Cease Fighting Everything and Everybody

There was a time, during my teenage years, when I was like a legend in my own mind.  "Don't you know who you're talking to?" was my attitude and retaliation was on its way.  I spent a lot of time in my head contriving, manipulating, devising, plotting, planning the next move.  Then worked on my "friends" to help me execute my plans.  I spent a tremendous time of focus and energy as I studied and premeditated what I was going to do without being the person in front doing the damage.  Very devious.  I was a coward and feared being found out just how afraid I felt.  I had a strong commitment to making sure no one knew so I worked hard on pre-empting any aggression headed my way.  Real or not, it was all the same.  I might not have been able to out-fight them physically but I was determined to outsmart them.  "Them" being anyone who I felt threatened by.  I learned at a very early age to hide how I really felt, what I really thought and wanted.

Not too long ago, as I was driving and the radio was playing a song, I had an epiphany.  I've always wondered why my half-brothers, Ray and Rudy, were so mean with me.  I thought it was because they, too, had been mistreated and so, did the same to me.  However, I've seen how when Elvis and Stitch were growing up that Elvis was the first born puppy but Stitch was stout, stronger, and bigger.  Elvis used to act like he was bigger, stronger, king of the pack.  He had a commitment to make sure Stitch knew that Elvis was the Alpha-male otherwise, if Stitch had wanted to, he had the ability to beat the crap out of Elvis...but Elvis made sure Stitch stayed baffled and submissive.   Now looking back, I realize that because my father was over 6' and 250 pounds, I inherited some of his height and certainly girth, although as a child I wasn't really fat,  I was just physically bigger than my mother and siblings.  I see now where it was very important for my older brothers to keep me baffled and submissive, especially in the barrio and in those times.  LOL I remember them taunting me on how stupid I was, over and over.  Demeaning me, depriving me.  I see now this was their inept way of trying to survive.   So I guess a part of my own survival was to buy into what they said, too.

I learned fighting was crucial.  Fighting was not only about striking back.  Although it was sometimes about brute force, like gladiator times where the biggest, baddest, strongest wins.  Most of the fighting was in my head.  I've played chess and I'm really not very good at it because I have the attention span of a 2 year old.  It doesn't enthrall me.  It's interesting but it doesn't keep my focus.  However, drama...now that keeps my attention.  Whether real or imagined.  I've noticed when I'm not engaged in living my life, doing the things that groove me, move my passions, enjoying the love, intimacy, happiness of being close to family, art, music, etc. then I am much more likely to go to that other place of living in a virtual reality life.  Schizophrenic in that it's all in my head.  Where what I think takes precedence over reality and this feels normal to me.  A way of life.  No big deal.  But I'm living life in my head.  Jeesh.  Not a good place for someone like me.

The 12 Steps program leads me to the solution...working the Steps takes me from this Nowhere Land in my head to the other place where the Sunlight of the Spirit is.  In the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous" it says over and over...we cease fighting everything and everybody.  Wow...love and tolerance is our code...Dear Higher Power, may I do Your Will today that I may be of service to You and show by example to others that Your Way of Life works...as You Will....sincerely, Carol  P.S. And please help me stay out of my head! xoxox