The Threads of Honesty

I've written before about the pea shell game of addiction-or rather, compulsions, urges, fixations, obsessions, whatever you want to call it.  It moves around.  If it ain't here, where did it go?

My heart goes out to all of us who have this challenge.  They say, "The truth will set you free." I believe it.

H...honesty
O...open-mindedness
W...willingness to accept

Over and over this threads in my recovery.  How honest can I be?  About me, myself and I? Not about you and others...just about me.  Where do I put myself in harm's way? How do I contribute to the problem?  What's my part in it? I see now why the old teachers taught by asking questions.  It was a method of discovery and learning.

I've ducked and dodged questions for so long.  A memory comes rising out of the mists of childhood where my mother asked me a thousand and one questions.  It seemed no matter what I answered, it wasn't good enough.  I was gonna get a whipping.  I hated her and I hated her questions.  Most of all I hated having to answer them.

Now, I'm a big girl with big girl panties plus now I get to ask the questions of myself in a kind, loving, lovable way.  I can give me a sweet, accepting, compassionate hug and encourage myself to keep on keeping on the High Road of Recovery, one step at a time, one day at a time.

For this, I am grateful.

Dear Creator, thank YOU for all the showers of YOUR blessings YOU bestow on us all today, tomorrow and yesterday.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

The notes from studying the literature this morning again brings to mind "The Matrix" which stars Keanu Reeves. 

From "Day by Day ":  "The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."-Thoreau

The price for drug (using) behavior is our Freedom...realize we pay too dearly to feel the Oblivion take over.  WAKE UP and pay the price for Freedom-Spiritual Growth- or we will be a slave 'til death.

Lord, please let me be free by turning my life over to You so all the Liberty I need is made available to me.

Back to Reality

Wow...it feels like forever since I blogged on my recovery or lack thereof!  LOL  It's been w-i-l-d.  Now, please understand , for ME it's felt wild while for others-no big deal.  No matter what...I still don't drink.  That's always a blessing. At least, it does give me a chance to build on something solid.  I remember when I built on dreams and hopes evaporating on dissipating fumes of alcohol vapors.

Just for today, it's true...I feel a ray of hope, a sunbeam of promise bestowed from that which is Greater than us all...my Creator, my Higher Power that I choose to call GOD.  Prayer is when I talk to GOD and meditation is when I shut up, be quiet and listen to GOD...

Thank You for this day, Lord.  May I seek and do Your Will.  I must remember to be of service to You is the highest privilege and the healthiest strong basic foundation to build one day at a time. Sincerely, Carol

The Family Legacy of Illness 1954

Ok....too much has happened...w-a-y too fast...where do I begin? There have been some traumatic events so I may be unfolding them with time...

Finally, I have an Alanon sponsor who was sponsored by someone who took her through the Steps then she took me through the Steps...excellent! She's awesome and has helped me so much!  How I went through the Steps in AA was very different than in Alanon.  My experience was "Hope you make it" in AA, whereas in Alanon it was "Let me help you make it".  I'm confident it was the difference in sponsors and not in the Steps of the programs.  I love them both for each taught me great lessons.  Now I know...how NOT to do and How to do it.  Thank You, Higher Power.

Note:Let go of childish "all or nothing" attitude and apply realistic standards.

One of the things that happened since I last wrote was my son asked if I'd seen the picture of me in the newspaper of when I was a baby.  Uh, no.  He said his dad's father was a packrack (follow that thought lol), in other words, his grandfather saved a bunch of newspapers in the garage.  While cleaning it out, his dad found one had a picture of my mother entering a paddy wagon! What???!

Email to my younger brother:

Apparently his father was a pack rat n he found it in the stuff. I remember finding another newspaper article about that incident n the picture was different because it only had Ray n Rudy sitting on a bed n stuff strewn everywhere. I will be talking to my Alanon sponsor bout those pics. Bring a lot of feelings up. Most of all very grateful for 21 years of sobriety. On Saturday I was on a panel of volunteers who spoke at the Austin Transition Center and hope n pray if just 1 person received the message that change is possible, there IS a way out, then I served my life purpose in that moment. Those pics remind me where we come from, Cliff. We've come a long way...love ya, Carol

mom covering her face

Notes:  We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. Need not tolerate violence or abuse, I have choices I didn't recognize before. Set some limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so I will know what is and what is not acceptable and what to do about it. One person I still accept unacceptable behavior from - me. I continued berating myself, blaming myself when things went wrong, never gave myself credit for my efforts, told myself I was homely, thoughtless, lazy, stupid. I can start treating myself like a valued friend and stop standing in the way of my own recovery. I've been affected by a disease of attitudes. When I treat myself with love and approval, I know that I am recovering. "Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes."

me

I think that's my brother Rudy still in diapers

Notes: I pray for the Enlightenment to make my detachment loving, not cruel. Let it not be a wall between us, but a bond of mutual respect for one another's individuality. Stay objective and not take personally everything that is said or done. Detach, by not allowing myself to become involved emotionally.

my mom covering her face

Lighten up. Focus on recovery. Learn to laugh at myself and eventually teach others I sponsor to laugh also. Stop taking myself too seriously.

I remember Walter, he always had mannerism like he was thinking

 Notes:  Slips. I experience them most when I'm caught off guard by someone with whom I have a complicated history... No matter what adult thoughts or feelings I'm having beforehand, I almost always revert to acting like a little girl... These are peculiar encounters, as if the person I was many years ago suddenly inhabits my mind and body. It takes me several hours, sometimes days, to come back to my adult self. Inevitably, when I recall my behavior, I feel as if I've lost my program. Thanks to "Progress, not perfection" and "Easy does it" slogans help me better at accepting my slips... Strive to give myself credit for how far I've come and to learn something from my mistakes. Remind myself that I have all the time I need to improve. Recovery is not a contest. Notes: Dear Creator, thank YOU for the blessings YOU shower on us all. All to YOUR glory, as YOU Will. Love, Carol