The Emotional Weather Vane

I baked a chocolate cake Saturday morning, went to my meetings, met with Al-Anon sponsor, plus had an impromptu AA meeting with an elderly woman who showed-up looking for a meeting.

In AA we're taught to say "yes" when asked to be of service...in Al-Anon, it seems to me, we're taught to say "no', that "no" is a complete sentence but my sponsor explained it's more about discernment, to consider a balanced point of view. Well, there you go...more will be revealed.

Anyway, that night I took the birthday cake to the party and truly enjoyed myself. There were very talented musicians in the house (of course, this is Austin, Texas where it seems there's at least 2 musicians in every bush! LOL). They played classical guitar and violin, then another musician had a very peculiar shaped guitar and she sang soprano, then next thing you know we were all in a sing-a-long, harmonizing, blending our voices...beautiful.

Finally I arrived back home in time to feed Elvis and Stitch. We relaxed and rested while Sho whooped and hollered at the UT football game. I played my guitar, sang a couple songs and went to sleep. All was well with my soul...

Then Sunday came and went. I dropped-off Stitch at his home then went to Al-Anon and there was a bit of ruckus after the meeting but it did calm down later on. Principles before personalities indeed.

Who am I to judge anyone? There, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

I will say this...my sponsor was very clear with me...definitely, Al-Anonism is very presenting. To keep the focus on me, mmob (mind my own business), turn-up the self-care...jeesh. So it is.

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P.S. I did talk with my boss yesterday re: job search. I put this in my Higher Power's Hands.

Hope for Today, "...I was like a weather vane that spun around according to the air currents that other people generated...husband criticized me...I lost my serenity...boss became upset...lost my sernity...I attributed these mood swings to nervousness, lack of self-assurance, and whoever else occupied the room at that time...Serenity always seemed beyond my control...was convinced I needed quietness to feel serene, so I retreated...today I don't need to withdraw to quiet places nearly as often...don't need to run away from life...can even stand in the middle of a frenzied atmosphere and let it swirl around me, while I remain unaffected...can tell myself to hush when my mind enters the muddy waters of "what if"...can sit still to the present moment and feel grateful...In my gratitude I experience serenity that I never knew before...comes from trusting that everything in my life is exactly as it should be...feel it when I apply a slogan rather than panic about something...when I choose to care for myself rather than to fix someone else...surrounds me when I seek GOD's will in prayer and meditation...envelopes me whenever I walk into an Al-Anon meeting, see the familiar faces of those who accompany me on my journey, and I know, once again, I am not alone..."Today I know that sanity and serenity are the gifts I have received for my efforts and my faith."---Courage to Change p. 248

ODAT, "Listen and Learn"...cultivate the knack of listening---uncritically---to everything we hear at a meeting or from an Al-Anon friend..."It is the privilege of wisdom to listen."-O.W. Holmes

Courage to Change, "You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love GOD and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art."---Francis de Sales

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, Great Spirit, thank YOU for this awesome journey and the multiple opportunities provided to practice loving YOU. O Lord, thank YOU for the bounteous beauty of each unfolding moment. Lord, YOU are The Source, The Greatest of All. Please help me be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU will. Love, Carol xoxox

A volunteer or a victim and 2 doors

Well, the family disease is doing fine and well. My granddaughter is in a pscyhiatric facility because she's threatened suicide. Plus,she doesn't want me to visit her. She told her mother that I don't love her like her older brother (who recently went to the Army). When she was asked by her father why she felt like killing herself, she said because they didn't love her like they loved her younger sisters, they did more for them. Jeesh. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree. I can totally relate to her. I put her and the rest of the family in God's Hands.

NOBODY's ever loved me the way I wanted them to love me. I'm not sure anyone possibly could. Not even sure it's humanly possible! LOL No matter what they say, or how they say it, or what they do or not do. One more time...it's an inside job. I KNOW this, I have the data, the information in my brain...but...it has to travel all the way to my heart...instead of outer space...inner space.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and it was about self-esteem. The chairperson defined she only wanted people sitting in the inner circle to share and if there was time, people sitting outside the inner circle could speak. I hardly ever sit in the inner circle, mainly because I like to put my purse on the table instead of the floor, take notes, sometimes knit, etc.

At first, I felt angry. I thought and feared she had "control issues", was excluding me, was this and that. Then I felt relieved. I could just listen to hear what was said. Then I felt relaxed and went with the flow. Nice. Let Go and Let GOD, baby...yep. It works when I work it.

Day by Day, November 6, "We must never too narrowly define our work. Book-thumpers, hardnosers, do-it-on-your-own-timers...all of us contribute. And those who need our particular brand of help will be brought to us by GOD. Am I receptive to new and different ways?"

November 7, "Many...character defects stem from social acceptance motives...we don't need or have to "people please", only "GOD-please"...Knowing this, many defects no longer exist. Do I know it is not necessary to please everybody all the time?"

Click here to read beautiful Daily Reflections ...

ODAT, "GOD is present in all His creatures, but all are not equally aware of His presence."

Courage to Change, "If one person gets well, the whole family situation improves."

Hope for Today, November 6, "With those I do trust, I can be more flexible. If I allow my boundaries to be violated repeatedly, I am a volunteer rather than a victim. It's my responsibility to stick with people who are affirming and trustworthy and to limit my exposure to those who are not.

November 7, "I had a habit of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...was given an exercise to practice.
"When someone says something to me and I have a strong reaction---wanting to cry, wanting to rage, or thinking I am inferior---I stop and visualize 2 doors. One is marked "Same old, same old" or "My will". The other is marked "New and different" or "God's Will"...imagine opening mine and viewing what I would normally say or do...close my door and open God's.
"By the time I have done this, I've given myself several moments between the initial comment and my impulsive reaction...gives me time to practice the slogan "Think" and to choose a healthier response...to practice this self-restraint. Ironically, most times what's behind God's door is absolutely nothing...possibly mean that other people's behavior belongs to them and I don't have to make it mine by reacting to it?
"Practicing detachment before I react allows me to maintain self-esteem by choosing my response."

Dear Sweet Lord, thank YOU for the bountiful blessings YOU bestow upon us all. Thank YOU for the smiles, the joy, this moment to breathe in YOUR love, grace and compassion. Lord, please help me be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

The Job Search begins...GOD-willing

So now I'm beginning to look around for a different job because the targeted shelter population will be changing and the truth is, I'm changing. While aging, I see more and more limitations presenting. Externally, of course, but internally even more. I no longer want to be the "stand-in" if someone gets sick and can't make it in, or be the one who has to make sure this or that gets attention, or on and on. The fluidity of working at the shelter is necessary to keep it stable. The human dynamics require flexability, flux, and a bit of structure but not too much, etc.

Truth is, I've loved working there. It almost feels like an artform instead of just a job. The beauty of interacting on a daily basis with humanity on a soulful level is very humbling. The problem is the salary, opportunity for career advancement and skills development are pretty limited.

Another truth is, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I'm hoping I have another good 10 years of workability and it's important to increase the salary to further prepare for retirement. I turn this over to my Higher Power.

I plan to inform my boss today of these intentions and will begin submitting applications to possibilities that present. Start making the moves...GOD-willing, in the process of job searching.

Courage to Change, "Today, instead of aiming only for the results, I will consider taking actions because they seem to be the right actions for me."

Hope for Today, "How could anyone possibly like or love me? I certainly didn't...At first all I saw were my defects...encouraged me to seek out my assets as well...that I embrace my defects and my assets and celebrate them all as part of who I am...let my Hgher Power decide which ones I needed to keep...you can't love someone until you first care about yourself."

ODAT, "...learned the importance of Humility in coping with life's problems...the most important thing...was the way we help each other through love and mutual concern for each other's problems...the most important way to get that help was to listen to what is said, and not how it is said..."There are, it may be, so many kinds of voices in the world, and none of them is without significance."---1st Corinthians 14:10...would find answers from uncritical listening..."

 Click here for Daily Reflections reading for today...

Day by Day, "We deserve beautiful things and need not continue disparaging and punishing ourselves for our past behavior...They have a right to the joy of giving and we have a right to the joy of receiving. We also have a right to the joy of giving so others may receive. We can give material things...moral support...a friendly ear...best of all, we can give love....Have I learned to give?"

Dear Sweet Merciful Lord GOD Creator of it ALL, thank YOU for this day YOU give us freely. Thank YOU for the gifts of the Spirit, the fruits of YOUR labor of Love. How truly awesomely mighty YOU are. Lord, show the way YOU want me to go. Shine YOUR Light on the path. Only YOU truly know what it is YOU want from me. I surrender all, Lord. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Healing and Digging Deep Down to Heal

Well, I'm starting to think I wasn't so inconsequential after all. Maybe, just maybe, he really did love me at one time and it wasn't just me who loved him. I am willing to accept this love was never meant to be, never. Finally, I can let go. I truly am sorry for any hurt I caused him and if I ever had the chance it would be to express my deep remorse for ever hurting him in any way. It was never his fault. Also,I can stop hurting me about this now. I will put this in my GOD box. Let Go and Let GOD. Live and Let Live. One Day at a Time.

Daily Reflections

ODAT, "...dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment...dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others? I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent...must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react the way I do. Am I doing my share?...my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation?...will try to develop a sense of gratitude...Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?...will live and let live..."It all adds up to this: that we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."

Hope for Today, "Healing is a process that will continue the rest of my life. I know how unhealthy I've been, yet I also know that my recovery has begun. My participation in everyday, ordinary life is a small but firm step away from the pain of isolation and toward a life of loving involvement."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for it all. Thank YOU for the privilege to Live Life. Thank YOU for the breath of Life. Thank YOU for the song of morning birds and unfolding flowers still wet with dew, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow upon us all. YOU, Lord, are The Source, The Power, The Light, The Great Spirit. YOUR Love is above all and covers all our mistakes. YOU are the Highest Vibration and transcend above it all. Thank YOU again and again. Lord, please, if it be YOUR Will, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and the willingness to accept YOUR Will and to do it. As YOU Will. Love, Carol

Adjusting the Path

It's been f-u-n. I went to English Al-Anon, then Spanish Al-Anon, then an AA Big Book study, then to Innergroup's Bar-b-que Luncheon then I visited my sister, I went home, rested a bit, later went out to eat dinner with some AA ladies, went to Birthday Night celebrations and finally made it back home about 9:30pm. Wow. It was a lot of fun. Peaceful. Enjoyable. Thank YOU, GOD.

Hope for Today, p.308, "...taught me that I was right to think I can't control all of those outside forces...taught me that manipulating people and events to my liking is not the path to serenity. Serenity is a matter of inner stability. If I keep the focus on myself and let my Higher Power take care of the rest, everything seems to work out for the best....gives me the tools to keep myself on course, so I can maintain my serenity no matter what winds are blowing or which waves are washing over me...internal inspections remind me of my destination---serenity and a spiritual awakening---and allow me to adjust my path as needed...a wonderful feeling to take care of myself lovingly and no longer to fear the turbulence that sometimes still swirls around me."

ODAT, p.308, "..."Detach from the problem, but not from the person."...it never means disinterest...is to keep myself from being drawn into crises of the alcoholic's making. If I do not interfere, he will be compelled to find his own way out of his difficulties..."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU are The Source, The One, The Solution to ALL my problems. Thank YOU for it all. Love, Carol xoxox

Racehorse Thoughts...Stop, Breathe, Let go

Well, so much has been going on, it's hard for me to figure out where to start. The other night I was reading YAHOO.com's blurps and there was a bit of information regarding how the Universe is accelerating, blah blah. That's all it took.

My thoughts took off like a racehorse at the gate...off I went...on my Magic Carpet Ride (a phrase a friend of mine uses). Intergalactic speculations on the possible demise of the Earth and its inhabitants, etc.

Talk about fear, terror and despair! Paranoia. Jeesh.

Finally I was able to rein-in my thoughts with the question, "How did I feel before I started thinking about this?"...I felt pretty good, at peace...So...If I could feel at peace without thinking about this material, EVEN IF IT MIGHT BE TRUE, I am powerless to make the Universe change its speed...this is GOD's business, not mine...I can change my thoughts about this. I can change my attitude, whether it's happening or not....b-r-e-a-t-h-e...

And I stopped fixating, obsessing about this. Immediately I was calm, at peace. I went to sleep.

To be awakened by the clashing, thundering sounds of a major violent storm. The howling winds, the house trembling as it shook with the sounds of heavy-thudding bangs of lightening clashing on the landscape outside, all intermingled with an onslaught of steady buckets of rain downpouring...the lights went out...and I remembered the intergalactic traumatic thoughts I'd had earlier so was able to put this storm on the list of things I cannot control, thst I'm powerless over. I might die. I didn't know. That was GOD's business. My business was to Let Go and Let GOD, and do the next right thing...GOD-willing...b-r-e-a-t-h-e...This, too, shall pass...and it did.

Discovering Choices, p.175, "...remember that I can do for one day what I couldn't imagine doing for the rest of my life...When my mind does stray, I need a ready tool to bring me back so I can center myself. The easiest tool for me to use is to pause for a moment and become aware of my breathing. I breathe in and breathe out in a slow, steady, continuous breath. As I breathe, I say to myself, "As I breathe in, I breathe in peace and serenity. As I breathe out, I release all tension and fear." I repeat this exercise several times intil I become calm."

Dear Sweet Merciful, Compassionate Creator, thank YOU for the truly remarkable opportunities to be of service to YOU and my spiritual sisters and brothers. Thank YOU for the privilege to live Life. To brethe in YOUR profound blessings of Life, Love and Happiness. May we do YOUR Will, Lord. As YOU will. Love, Carol xoxox