Yes.

Well, today is my son's bithday. He is my 2nd born child and I put him up for adoption to a woman who wanted a child so badly she ached and grieved. There was no doubt in my mind that he would be loved and cared for. I don't know if he will ever know this because I promised her I wouldn't be interfering, changing my mind, etc. I've honored this for 36 years.

It's been hard though. How many times did I put an extra plate on the table or repeat counting heads because I kept thinking I had one more child to feed or take care of? I guess it's just built in the DNA.

Anyway, I lit a candle this morning in thoughts of him. I wish him the very best. May he and his loved ones glow in health, vitality, joy and love.

Today's readings were amazing, as usual...

Discovering Choices, p.172, "...worry is an over-exaggerated sense of my own responsibility...My worrying about it wouldn't make one bit of difference one way or another to him, but it had the potential to paralyze me...learned a new way of acting in life---rather than reacting...I am not God in anyone else's life...Working my own program helps me to accept our many differences."

Hope for Today, p.304, "Trusting, then acting on that trust, was how I could turn my belief into something tangible...I knew my Higher Power was no longer just an idea...Step 2 invites me to develop my trust."

Courage to Change, p.304, "...I too needed to hit a kind of bottom, feel the pain, and reach out for help before I could find any lasting happiness...learned that gratitude and forgiveness are necessary to my peace of mind...Sometimes a tiny action can be a great step toward seeing my life with increasing joy."

ODAT, p.304, "...I learn from examining my own ideas and clarifying them. Many a solution to a difficulty of my own has come to me while I was helping someone else." "Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself?"-Romans

Day by Day, "During our confused times, we must take our bodies to meetings and our heads will follow."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of it all, thank YOU for the honor and privilege to be here today. Please help me, Lord, to be of service to YOUR Will. As YOU wish. Love, Carol xoxox

Life Lessons

Well, this morning's reading strengthen and remind me to stay focused on recovery. Practice, practice, practice. LOL

Day by Day, "...important to start noticing what we are thinking and what we really believe."

Daily Reflections

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, "...the new member...understandably upset, distraught, and perhaps desperate. Just as ours did in the beginning...trials seem too great for a human being to endure...not yet aware...may be making it worse by complaining, weeping, and trying to outwit the alcoholic...learn not to do...may even distorted by hysteria---this is natural, too...should warn us not to make sweeping judgment on anyone else's problem or suggest making any decisions for her...can offer comfort and hope and the healing therapy of the...program."

Courage to Change, "The most loving form of detachment...forgiveness...think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free...If there is action to take, I am free to take it...Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive. When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me...willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go."

Discovering Choices, pgs 141-2, "...beneath my resentment lies a fear of being abandoned and a deep fear of being alone...As I headed down to the river, the guide gave me several tips to keep in mind while I was out there.
1. There is only one river. I can't veer off and end up somewhere else. I may go down a wrong channel, but eventually I'll hit a dead end and then have to turn back and go back to the main river and continue where I left off. If I go with the current of the river, I'll be okay.
2. I'm going to feel lost. Everyone does.
3. If I tip over, just stand up. The average depth is three-to-four feet.
...I was exactly where I was supposed to be at exactly the right time. Another life lesson."

Dear Higher Power of my understanding, thank YOU for this amazing journey called Life. Thank YOU for YOUR constant Love, Support, Compassion and Understanding Guidance YOU provide us all. Please grant me the serenity, knowledge, and courage to know YOUR Will and the willingness to Accept and To Do It. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

A Full-time Job

There are those of us who NEED the 12 Steps, Traditions, fellowships, etc. Then there are those of us who can get by without. I am in the first party. LOL

No doubt here. It feels good to know. Liberating. Freedom at last. That space Victor Frankl talked about. It really is an inside job. No one else can do it for me. No matter how rich, cute, smart, strong, powerful, important, glorious, etc. Nor how much they love me, want me, etc. It is an inside job.

And it is a "job" for me. Full time. 24-7. For the rest of my life. Until I die on this earth-plane. So it is for me. That is my truth.

How hard is it? Depends on how hard I make it.

How do I make it hard? By depending on my best thinking, on me, me, me.

How do I make it easier? By following a few simple guidelines called the 12 Steps.

Day by Day, "People have to work to earn a living---we have to work our program to live. A job is a form of support, and our fellowship is also a form of support."

Hope for Today, "No matter how different we feel, we're all very similar. No matter how similar we seem, we're all very different....Making myself available to help and be helped by a wide range of people is key to my recovery."

Courage to Change, "When I stopped trying to analyze and explain everything and started living the principles, actually using them in my everyday situations, the...program suddenly made sense---and I started to change. Does analyzing my situation provide any useful insights, or is it an attempt to control the uncontrollable? Am I taking inventory or avoiding work that needs to be done by keeping my mind occupied? I have heard that knowledge is power. But sometimes thirst for knowledge can be an attempt to exercise power where I am powerless. Instead, I can take the First Step. A quote by Soren Kierkegaard, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Discovering Choices, pgs. 133-5, "...begin to have a better sense of what is healthy. We learn to separate principles from personalities. Instead of reacting in a negative way to a personality, we come to understand how to apply a principle that can help make a relationship more positive....communication...was often a roadblock or a one-way street. People talked without anyone listening, or no one talked at all. Not much understanding passed between anyone...learned to listen attentively and to speak honestly and openly...learned how to detach from the drama...found a way to let go of things that they can't control...learned to make gratitude a part of their lives...learned to live happy, healthy lives...become willing to believe that our relationships can heal...members in service are putting in practice what they learned...become living examples to newer members, inspiring them to learn, just as we are now learning. But we only need focus on what we can do to improve our lives today...Whatever we choose to do, we can be confident that there is good reason to hope. That's the lesson we can learn from the positive example of so many others..."

Dear Lord Creator of All, thank YOU for the abundance of YOUR Love and may YOUR Truth, Compassion, Mercy and Grace light our pathway to YOU. Thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU bestow on us all to connect and stay connected to the lifeline of YOUR Love. YOU are The Source, The Essence, The Glory of us all. Lord, please grant the knowledge of Your Will and the courage, strength and willingness to accept and to do it. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Win by Surrendering and Accepting---an inside job

Win by surrendering and accepting. What a concept. Easy to say and hard as hell to do for someone like me. It seems I was born to fight. Fight this and fight that. Plant my banner on every hill in sight. I stand for this. I stand against that. I stand for that and against this. Flipping and flopping all over the place. The Battlefield of BS. Fighting a battle that isn't even mine to fight. The hardest thing for me to do is to relinquish the Will to Win, at all costs. And even harder than the hardest thing for me to do is to pause, relax, submit, turn it all over to my Higher Power and ask for help, guidance and support to do my Higher Power's Will, not mine or any other human's. Jeesh.

If it ain't hard, give me a minute. LOL

Win by surrendering, indeed.

Day by Day, "The physical part of our addiction is not the main factor of our lllness. Many of us have had allergies to things like milk, but we don't have to join Milk Drinkers Anonymous because we couldn't stop...the major contributing factor is spiritual deterioration, the emphasis in recovery should be on the spiritual."

Daily Reflections, "If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also"-12 and 12, p.90 "Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them...When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered."

One Day at a Time in Alanon (also called ODAT), "Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough." 2nd Corinthians-"For we walk by faith, not by sight..."

Hope for Today, "...usually when I'm feeling insane, I'm forgetting my powerlessness and trying to control outcomes or other people...---in other words, when I try to get my way...the inevitable result is pain, frustration, and utter failure...accept my powerlessness and surrender to my Higher Power's will, however, I gain some measure of serenity and humility. I become spiritually teachable.---The pain is not in the surrender and acceptance. It's in the resistence...can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my Higher Power's care."

Courage to Change, "Sometimes the only way I can determine what to accept or what to change is by trial and error. Mistakes can be opportunities to gain the wisdom to know the difference.---A quote from ODAT, 'If a crisis arises, or any problem baffles me, I hold it up to the light of the Serenity Prayer and extract its sting before it can hurt me.'"

Discovering Choices, pgs 127-8, "I found myself reacting with old behaviors...disappointed with how I handled things and feeling judgmental toward myself, I called my sponsor...informed me that I could still practice detachment with love; only perhaps the love I would infuse into the equation could be love for myself. In time, with willingness and the help of the Higher Power, that initial expression of love could shift and grow...important thing, she told me, was that there be love and detachment involved in my own experience of the situation---my Higher Power could take it from there...Detachment with love gave me the space I needed to connect with my Higher Power and to remember my own intrinsic worth, regardless of what family members still suffering...may say."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator Great Spirit of All, thank YOU for all YOU do to care for us. Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower, the gifts and miracles evidenced every day of YOUR Love for us all. Please, Lord, help me to be of service to YOU and my family of spiritual sisters and brothers. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

I am my friend...

I have a friend I so-want to talk to her and tell her to stop! Stop ranting and raving, stop falling for the BS, stop, stop, stop...I even told my boss about this and he asked me, "Do you want to do this for you or for her?" I answered, "For me. Because if I was in this situation I would want someone to reach out and help me." That was yesterday, this is today.

Now I realize...I am my friend. Hmmm...

Early this morning, Elvis woke me up because he needed to go outside and I couldn't go back to sleep so I listened to Salvador talk about Step 3 while I crocheted on one of my shirts. How many times have I listened to this tape, heard the material he speaks about? This time I really heard him loud and clear...am I a good sister, mother, aunt, employee, citizen, neighbor, partner, etc. Not do I "do" good...do I "be"?

Day by Day, "Lord, help me to know that it's not my location that makes the difference in my life---it's what I'm working with inside."

Hope for Today, "...change need not be so scary. If I don't at least make an effort, I may never know how much I can accomplish....My Higher Power may be inviting me to walk further down my spiritual path by giving me a desire to change. Today I take a risk, understanding that GOD loves and guides me through the process. "...GOD's Will will never take me where His Love cannot protect me."

Courage to Change, "we are all as unique as our fingerprints, but as our fingers join in closing prayer, each of us is part of a circle of hope that is greater than any of our individual differences..."For the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body."-the Bible

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, "Let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."

Discovering Choices, p.118-120, "I used to think I had a sticker on my forehead that read, "Let me fix you."...learned a great deal about the diease of alcoholism and how it can destroy the grace and decencies of life...learned that people who have been affected by someone else's drinking are sometimes sicker than the drinker. I tried to fix my loved ones by arguing, threatening, jumping on moving vehicles, hiding keys, staging crime scenes, and anything else I could think of to convince them to stop drinking...learned I had a controlling nature and that my illogical belief that I could fix everything could also destroy a relationship---even when no drinking was involved...learned that drinkers don't drink because of me; they drink because they're alcoholics. Nothing I could say or do could cause them to drink or to stop drinking...learned that the only control I had was over me and my reactions...learned not to start a crisis on purpose to be able to have my own way, and how to stay peaceful in the middle of heated discussions...learned that there is more than one right way to do things and that my other half may be right too."

Dear Lord Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the wonder and beauty of it all. Thank YOU for each breath we take on this earth plane. Thank YOU for loving us all so much and caring for us. We need YOU, Lord, every step of the way. May we be of service to YOUR Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Fitting in the Puzzle

To say I feel deeply humble this morning is an understatement. I'm flummoxed. A good place to be. There is only one way to go at this point. Hand it all over to my Higher Power. I know what to do...now I just got to get off my "Easy Does It" ass and do it.

Discovering Choices, p.118, "In alcoholic families there are rigid rules to follow: don't notice, don't talk, don't feel, and don't trust---other people or my own perceptions. Those rules required that I keep secret from myself and everyone else, the truth of how this disease affected and disabled me. I am now disobeying those rules...I have learned to trust. I can be vulnerable, emotionally safe, and available...I now have acceptance and love for myself as I am. I can accept and love others by listening, being compassionate, and welcoming them...Only through sharing my story as it changes and evolves, and listening to others' stories, am I able to leave isolation and actually be one among mmy fellows."


Hope for Today, p.277, "I never felt like I "fit" in...Instead of forcing myself to fit, I forced those around me. I tried to manipulate and control everybody in my life to change the shape of their personalities to suit mine...The program taught me there's nothing wrong with the way I'm shaped mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. There's nothing wrong with other people's shapes either. Then I learned that the only piece I can change is my own. I have choices now. Instead of spending time with people and situations where I don't fit, I can look for the ones where I do. Regarding the puzzle of my family, I can't change the fact that I'm a member who doesn't always fit...Al-Anon gives me tools, such as detachment and the Serenity Prayer...and remember that this family gathering, too, shall pass. Soon I can move on to gatherings where I feel more comfortable...My goal is not to change others to fit me. I aim to change myself to fit my Higher Power's Will."


Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Spirit, thank YOU for it all. YOU are The One, The Source, The Center of the Universes. Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower on us all, the so-called "good" and the "bad", and the "oogly". Thank YOU for the gifts of Life, of Loving, and of being Loved. Lord, please please help us all make choices to follow YOUR guidance, YOUR Light. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Button Pushing

I've graduated to a new level in my B.S. Jeesh. Yesterday as I drove on my way to work, alone in the car, I started talking with Sho. I told him how I felt, how I can't talk to him face-to-face because he shuts the door. I said how absurb it is we can't communicate to the point I am talking to air, venting my emotions, speaking my mind...practicing. Almost like voice warm-ups before a performance. I laughed and said maybe I'll keep this experience for a comedy skit, how the illness can present itself. So silly.

It's a new level because most of the time I'm in my head. "He's going to do this, say that, because of...and he thinks...what he r-e-a-l-l-y means is...and where this is all leading to...". The old way is that Stinking Thinking, as if I know or can predict, etc. When in reality, a lot of times I'm surprised to find-out it wasn't at all like I thought it was going to be. I "forget".

In my family, some of the well-developed skills of denying responsibility were saying things like: "I didn't know." "I forgot." "Nobody told me." "It wasn't me." "It's not my fault." "I wouldn't have done it but they made me do it.", etc. I wonder what are some other ones?

Anyway, one of the biggest challenges for me is communication. I like to think I communicate really well. I mean, I can really hammer a point when needed. Sometimes a bit overmuch, like using a sledgehammer to kill a roach. Othertimes, I struggle to say how I truly feel, or what I truly think. BUT maybe an even greater communication roadblock may be in "Listening".

I remember hearing that the best #1 parenting skill is to shut up and LISTEN. So I practiced and certainly improved compared to how I used to be! That was then, this is now. How am I doing now? Am I listening without judging,criticising, thinking of what I'm going to say next as soon as the other person shuts up? Or am I truly listening to each nuance, phrase, point, feeling, sentiment, or whatever the other person is trying to communicate?

Let it begin with me, indeed...

Discovering Choices, p.117, "crisis...opportunity for me to wake-up and become aware that I am responsible for all my emotions: anger, happiness, resentment, joy, fear---you name it. If I let others push my buttons...then I'd better not complain about feeling lousy."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU for the extraordinary gifts of Life YOU bestow upon us all who are here. Thank YOU for the beauty of the moment and the exquisite potentiality of each breath we take. YOU rule, Lord. Please help me be of service to YOU and to my spiritual sisters and brothers. Also, Lord, please help keep me from pushing other people's buttons and remind me to take care of my own buttons. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox