Pause...

I have a Homedics sound machine that plays the sounds of the ocean.  The lapping of water, ebb and flow, slowly back and forth, the wind sound of a conch shell.  On and on.  It's very relaxing.  There is something about it that I can even sometimes get the smell of the ocean wafting on my nose, the sensation of the sea breeze touching my skin and it's like I'm really there while in reality, I'm here at the house.   At times I turn it on so my dogs can relax, chill-out for  awhile.  Me, too.  LOL

I'm one of those who benefit from taking a break, pausing.  Just for a moment...

Dear GOD, help me to be of service.  Love, Carol xoxox

Criticizing

Well, yesterday I felt a strong, weepy moment as I thought of my daughter moving away.  I can be such a drama queen.  Jeesh.  Instead, let me celebrate and enjoy the thought she has wings to fly.  To choose her own life's path of adventures to and fro.  Lord, please help me let go and get out of the way.  I put her in YOUR awesome, loving hands.  as YOU Will.

Anyway, it's been a while but I remember a time when Sho was really into criticizing me.  I felt worse and worse.  Every tactic I used to stop him just didn't seem to work until finally I jokingly told him one night, "You know what, Sho?  All that criticizing you're doing is not you.  That's a demon of criticism."  When I told him that he reacted as if I'd reached across space and slapped him because he jerked back.  "What do you mean?," he asked.  I talked with him about how I knew he loved and cared for me, how he looked out for me, helping me.  The criticism wasn't loving but was controlling, hateful, uncaring.  That's not how I saw him.  It's been such awhile that I'd forgotten about it but just the other day it reared its ugly head again and I said, "Are you criticizing me?" Poof.  It was gone.

Hmmm...

April 22..."Lord, help me today to face what I really am and to stop using excuses to avoid the task of learning...New soil---new roots...Love can replace hate when I can bring myself to nurture it with hope, and with faith in the inherent goodness of another human being..It's so important to concentrate on the first three Steps long enough to build a strong spiritual foundation....Kindness, compassion, love and humor.  Instead of weighing me down, these lift me up into the light and life of recovery."

Dear Creator, thank YOU so much for the love YOU bestow.  Thank YOU for the abundance of beauty, compassion and mercy.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Reflection of Beauty, Unity, and Diversity

I look back in time and see how my mother kept us in various stages of fear and insecurity.  Her parenting style seemed to swing from one extreme to another.  From varying stages of rigid oppressive fear and insecurity to way overly permissive, "do whatever you want, just leave me alone".

"Just wait until your father comes home.  You're gonna get it."

I used to look up to my dad.  I thought he was awesome, loving and caring, not like her at all.  Of course, I didn't see him most of the time.  He was either in jail, prison, or on the streets trying to hit the jackpot or scoring dope with most of the money he made playing dominoes or conning people.  What I didn't see was his abuse by abandonment, not being there, not providing, not protecting.

When he was home, it felt magical, an illusive dream.  Now we can be a family with a father and a mother.  We might be poor but we have each other.  Love will keep us together.

Except there was one fly in the soup...the illness of addiction and it messed us all up.  None was excluded...

As I work the 4th Step, more and more the memories come back and the feelings attached to each one.  My sponsor and I have an appointment for May 18th to do my 5th.  God-willing...

April 21..."When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light, then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love...Fear  blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity...Examine your motives...Pray to let go of my own rigidity, that I might see the beauty of unity in diversity...Today I'll allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say."

Dear GOD, may I be of service a

nd do YOUR Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Life Throws Curve Balls or...Can't see the forest for the trees

You know, life throws curve balls of unexpected situations.  I am fascinated on how it all threads together and at the time it's happening, doesn't seem to make sense but later...it all comes together.

April 20..."To accomplish YOUR Will for me today, I must let go of my own conflicting will...When I put GOD in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day...When I'm trying too hard to change things, when I forget to let go---when I demand too much, too soon, of myself and others, I'll ask GOD to remind me that Easy Does It...Sometimes I have to fight the old urge to keep quiet at all costs, but I have found that sharing is the key to healing...Letting go of what I do not truly need---whether it be old thoughts, things, or behaviors---makes room for new growth in my life."

Dear GOD, thank YOU for it all...every moment.  Love, Carol xoxox

Good Morning, GOD vs Good god, it's morning

Life gets b-u-s-y.  Wow!  What a roller coaster ride!  I awoke at 5 am yesterday, read a page or two of the literature, re-learned how to sew a blind stitch on one of the pairs of slacks I bought last Saturday, ironed clothes, showered, dressed, went to pick up my daughter so we could carpool to a training conference, received a certificate for working at the same agency for 15 years, dropped her off at her apartment, went home to walk Elvis and Vicente, closed my eyes for a power nap, changed clothes, went to work, the relief person's car broke down so I wasn't able to leave until 8:45 pm, arrived back home about 9:25, cooked a couple pieces of flounder fish, ate, fed the dogs, on and on.  Finally, rested at 11 pm.  GOD is good.  I slept like a baby.  That was yesterday.

This is today.

REMEMBER:  Good morning, this is GOD.  I will be handling all your problems today.  I will not need your help so you have a great day.  I love you!

April 18..."Commonplace acts of kindness are a way to GOD even more than grand and glorious acts...When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with GOD...But even more important, relaxing saves wear and tear on our emotions and preserves our own dignity...As we practice treating others fairly, with love and respect, we ourselves become magnets for love and respect'-In All Our Affairs ..."I don't regret the past, because I am turning my painful history into today's blessings and strengths"---Survival to Recovery, p.88

Dear GOD, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Near Misses

Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show mentioned that an asteroid the size of 3 football fields whizzed by the Earth night before last.  Really?

How many "near misses" do we all experience every day that we know of or know nothing at all about?  What guarantees do we have we will be here next year, month, etc?  We have none.  Life is precious, fleeting, temporary, precarious.

I feel humbled just to think about it.

April 16...'work hard to hold onto our ideals when lack of belief, fear and selfishness stand in our way...If we were to live, we must be free of anger...May I always keep in the forefront of my mind that I am not all-wise and all-powerful.  Only GOD is that--and it is on HIM that I must rely...what I go through life is not as important as how I interpret the experience...I recover from the inside out.  I don't have to hide behind a mask anymore because everyone can see right through me anyway.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU for helping me learn more and more to do whatever I can to stay connected to YOU.  YOU are everything.  Love, Carol xoxox

Building The Muscle of Faith

The spiritual malady takes no prisoners.  It takes to kill.  We die.  The spiritually dead.  Walking around, like we're alright.  Whistling in the dark, fearing nothing and fearing everything.  Telling each other, "I'm fine. How are you?" "Oh.  Me, too.  Things could't be better." We paste our fake smiles on, put on our masks with little eye slits to bloke the view, and go out into the world of those just like us who pretend it is all better than it really is.

We've forgotten.

We've lost touch with our life-line to GOD, the Sunlight of the Spirit, the essence of Life and truly living life.  

Except sometimes, a brief moment or so, we reconnect. 

An aroma wafting by, a glorious sky, a tweeting bird, a child's smile, a dog wagging its tail, a brush stroke of paint, a cat's soft purr, a song to hum with, a body movement, etc.  It feels so good, we want more.

Then...some of us will shrug our shoulders in resignation and cynicism,,,turn our backs and walk away...and go back to our sleepwalking, spiritual zombie life.

And some of us look around, open our heart, mind and eyes to Life, GOD, and true bliss.  We learn to practice kindness, patience, tolerance and love with ourselves and each other.  One day at a time.  We start remembering...the pure joy of just living, being here, embracing our human experience, celebrating life...and thanking GOD.  And having faith we are lovable, loving and loved greatly by our Creator.  When we do this, our muscle of faith grows and grows.  Thank GOD.

April 15'...Confidence is from the physical world and faith is from GOD ...Today I can choose to open the door to freedom and rejoice in the sunlight of the Steps, as they cleanse the spirit within me...I will pause and think before I say anything, lest my anger turns back upon me and makes my difficulties even greater..."When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out"...Detachment---an opportunity to make a choice.  I can focus on the problem or I can attach to my Higher Power and see what is before me with fresh, new eyes and thoughts.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU again and again for the privilege to be here on Earth, thank YOU for the gift of Life.  Thank YOU for the multiple gifts YOU bestow upon us all.  Most of all thank YOU for who YOU are.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Bunny Trail of Thoughts

You know, as much as I hunger for recovery, relief from the misery of the spiritual malady, and groan and moan when it strikes where I really don't want it to---you'd think I'd do the work.  Get a piece of paper, pencil or pen, sit my ass down and DO IT!

It's true.  Pain is a great motivator.  The more it hurts, the more willing I am to go to any lengths to stop the suffering...and to stay away from it at all costs.  Because it really hurts.  Deep, deep inside.

The problem is....I just can't see my part in it.  Denial is incredibly potent.  I can't see it even if it's right there in front of my own two eyes.  It's invisible.  Even if you can see it and you tell me, "Look, Carol.  It's right there.  And it looks like this and that."  I just can't see it.

When I put pencil to paper, write ALL the crappola that comes to mind regarding my "problem", chase down every rabbit thought down through every rabbit hole and pin them down to paper.  THEN I can "see" the big picture.  My part materializes  The true, exact nature of my problem appears...Ta Da!   LOL

What a relief!

April 14...'As we grow in awareness we are like little children discovering the world all over again...After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the Sunlight.  I must let go of resentments  I cannot afford them...Listing the good and bad elements in my situation will give me new insight...Today I will pay close attention to what I tell myself.  If necessary, I'll stop in mid-thought, start over, and replace negative illusions with positive thoughts...accept the things I cannot change, as well as appreciate the life my Higher Power has so abundantly given me.'

Dear GOD, YOUR love makes it all worth everything.  Thank YOU for this moment...love, Carol  xoxox

The Clothes Miracle

It's an interesting time.  I want to look for another job.  Ever since the wreck in July 2012 I've hobbled along, struggling to make ends meet, waiting for the insurance to do the right thing blah, blah, blah.

Yesterday I stopped at a yard sale, just on the chance they might be selling fabric.  I thought maybe I could sew a couple of things to wear to interviews.  Instead the lady had clothes---my size---and she sold them for 25 cents a piece because I was the last customer!  26 very nice tops, 13 slacks, 3 very nice skirts!!! And a few other things.  All for $12.50.  I had $13 and gave it to her.  Wow.  Oh, my GOD!!! I felt moved---gifted.  This was definitely an instance where GOD did for me what I could not do for myself.  No doubt in my mind.

April 13'...Rehearse GOD consciousness---kindness, patience, love...In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them *those genuinely less fortunate than I*, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering...Keep in mind that we can live only in the present and that all the rest of life is either past or uncertain..."The highest form of wisdom is kindness."-The Talmud...Reaction---run, blame or freeze---Choose love or fear---"The well of love refills itself, the more one gives, the more one has to give."-Lois Remembers'

Dear GOD, YOUR works are truly amazing.  Thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Campaign of Self-condemnation vs Campaign of FAITH

When problems arise, whether with others or not, it's true that the Shitty Committee starts its same old crappola, "There's something wrong with me (or them), I'll never change no matter what I do, etc."  Jeesh.

  An old habit, a thought pattern in the process of change...2 steps forward, and 3 more, 4 backward, 1 forward, etc...in a spiral...up, up, up in high places...to bask in the Sunlight of the Spirit...GOD's LOVE.  Ahhhhhh....yesssssss....LOL

April 12'...Accepting it as GOD's Will brings GOD's Grace and Glory to all concerned...Ask GOD to help me understand and accept the full meaning of the disease...When I consciously surrender my will to GOD's Will I see FAITH at work in my life...Surrender, accept my discomfort, and pray for guidance.---Things take time.  "You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or the soul of man."-Confucius'

Dear Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU so much for the gift of life YOU bestow upon us and the shower of multiple blessings YOU gift us all.  Love, Carol xoxox

All of me, Choices, Changes and the Higher Power

As I look at submitting an application, a resume and putting myself out there for a job change I am confronted with choices...and just for today, I'm grateful there are choices.  I turn this all over to my Higher Power and ask for guidance and support in making a choice where I can best be used in accordance with GOD's Will.

April 11...'A choice of freedom and a freedom of choice---realize that if I let go and let GOD, I will be free...To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time---learned that I had drunk to rid myself of those feelings...If we can recognize and admit our own shortcomings with increasing honesty, then it opens the door to a new world for us, and often makes a miraculous change in the alcoholic as well...Alanon is the light that helps me find my way in the dark...A fully-developed relationship with my Higher Power is one in which I share all of me, not just the parts that feel troubled and in need.'

Dear GOD, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

False Evidence Appearing Real

Well, one of my daughters is moving out of state and I'm starting to grieve this upcoming change.  I've been incredibly privileged to have most of my loved ones live close-by.  My selfishness rears its ugly head in that I don't want her to move so far away  What if something happens?  What if she needs me and I can't help her?  That fearsome fear-based thinking takes off...and the program kicks in and on...thank GOD.

April 10...'Lord, with Your Grace may I change conditions inside myself to make a place for good things rather than troubles...Being a little kinder, a little slower to anger, a little more loving makes my life better---day by day...Being at peace with myself, which is my ultimate goal, embracing all others...Problem was not in recognizing the harm I'd done, but in letting go of my exaggerated sense of responsibility---Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them...The GOD of my understanding wants me for my availability as well as for my abilities.  When I become willing to act on faith, GOD helps me create miracles for myself and assist others in creating their own.---GOD doesn't call the qualified.  GOD qualifies those who are called.  Am I listening?'

Dear GOD, YOU're the bestest.  Love, Carol xoxox

Working a 4...and remembering the thorns have roses again LOL

I am working this 4 in Alanon and the depth of rigorous honesty is WOW. Now, I thought I'd been honest before but this process is definitely a "peeling of an onion!  It's all good.

I have been at this since last year...more will be revealed, indeed.

April 9 reading blurps '...Some people neglect the program entirely and there are those who try to put it right, and those who want it to put them right---truly in my heart I want to know that if I can't, YOU can and if I let YOU, YOU will...Willingness and action open the lock and the bars made of self-will and self-indulgence...Acquire the knack of searching for the good and concentrating on it.  Much depends on meeting my problems head-on, calmly estimating their true character, refusing to exaggerate them and then drowning them out with an inspiring thought---"Thank YOU, GOD.  I can now see the thorns have roses."...As I learn that I am consistently lovable regardless of my strength or limitations, I begin to see something consistently lovable in others, even those who suffer from an unlovable disease...Learned to replace condemnation with compassion.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

OK...I'm back again on track with blogging...

You know, I had full intentions of getting back on the daily discipline of blogging...BUT my computer had other plans and I lost interest.  A friend asked on Sunday if I'd get back to writing because she likes to read the posts.  So...

My daily practice is now to read the morning literature, write as short as possible reminder of what I read then type them into the cellphone.

The literature is DAY BY DAY, DAILY REFLECTIONS, ONE DAY AT A TIME, COURAGE TO CHANGE, and HOPE FOR TODAY...in that order.

"April 6...KISS...An Inside Look---myself, to free myself..No other person's salvation depends on me, but on himself and GOD..."The past is but the beginning of a beginning."---H.G.Wells...Achieve balance by making sure my audience can hear me, state my position, then let go and let GOD.  If I speak up again about the same thing, I am probably trying to impose my will."

Then, during the unfolding of the day, whenever a stumbling block appears...and I remember...the reading of these brief notes help me remember...to stay on track in the direction of the Sunlight of the Spirit.

I'm B-a-c-k!

Well, it's official.  As of yesterday I can now say I have 21 years of abstinence from alcohol.  How about that! I  never thought I could even go just one day without drinking and here it is 21 years later!  How truly incredible the 12 Steps program is beyond words.  If I ever met anyone who's worked this program all backward, reverse and upside down is me.  Jeesh.

Keep coming back.  It works when you work it.  It's about progress, not perfection.  First things first.  Keep it simpl
e.  One day at a time...on and on.

Dear Sweet Merciful Loving Creator, thank YOU for the graciousness, acceptance, and power of all the fellowships who continue to reach back to help those still in the pit of hell named Self-Will.  Lord, please use me, as YOU will.  Love, Carol