The Great Sperm Race

I finished making a lid for the cabinet.  No problem.  I attached 2 hinges on a light piece of wood, put a soft foam pad, covered it with material, then used an easel as a helper to hold and balance the wood, etc.  After finishing, I invited Elvis up on the lid.  He ever so gingerly placed his front paws, reluctantly raised his body then when he was on top he lay down but it was obvious he didn't like it.  Oh, well.

I didn't finish the other project.  Instead I went to the fabric store, browsed a bit and looked through the remnant bin.  I noticed the reflection when walking towards their front door and wondered at my appearance.

"Not very attractive," thought I about me.  The rainy day caused my hair to poof up, stray hairs independently flagged their freedom, getting slightly thinner on top and grayer every day.  Jeesh.  I must remember age is a privilege.  There is no competition.  We are all winners for we won the Great Sperm Race so we could be here.  Who knows how many sperms lost out to us?  (The Queen song "We Are The Champions" comes to mind as I type this).  Hilarious.  LOL

Anyway, lest I have any delusions, the reflection clearly stripped me once again to my essence in that brief moment.  The impulse was to go to a salon to get my hair dyed, a make-up specialist to enhance whatever they can, and finish the transformation...viola...with the "right" clothes for my body shape and coloring.  Like on a TV make-over reality show.  LOL  Gotta look good, avoid looking bad.

Who am I kidding?  How superficial and shallow can I get?  Apparently, a whole lot.  Who am I to judge me so harshly?  One more time.  I do to me what others used to do except they are no longer around to do it.  The self-ridicule, criticism, sarcasm, put-downs stir the old feelings of shame, guilt and negativity.

So, the challenge is to love me through this.  Whip out those Steps that lead me back to the Sunlight of the Spirit where I can bask in the love, strength, grace and glory of the Higher Power, the Source from whence I came and will return, who passes all understanding and who loves me unconditionally.  The challenge is to embrace the gift of Life, cherish these ever so brief moments gone in a blink in eternity...do the work...reconnect...

Pass it on

Yesterday went really well at work and at home.  I'm grateful for the peace, the comfort and stability.  All was good in my kingdom.  LOL

This morning there is a drizzling rain gently pattering a slow, rhythmic quiet dance on my window.  I can hear Elvis' deep breathing mixing with the whir of the ceiling fan as the soft tick-tock of the clock blends in perfect harmony.  I'm enjoying a hot cup of coffee as I write this blog and contemplate my day.

There are a couple of projects I'd like to finish.  One is I covered the seats and today I hope to finish the backs of the chairs in the dining area. The other is I want to put small hinges on a piece of rustic wooden cabinet Sho made for me years ago.  I converted it into a floor chest to store sewing materials and last night I bought foam to pad the lid.  The idea is to cover it with strong material so Elvis can hop up on it to use as a perch/bed.  Will he actually use it?  I don't know.  It's hard to say because sometimes things I think will please him turn out to be duds.  He is a good dog and wonderful company, most of the time.  I tell him GOD did a wonderful job in creating him, each hair perfectly placed.

As September comes to a close I realize the holiday season is not too far away.  I have an old 1954 technicolor movie titled "A White Christmas" starring Bing Crosby.  I imagine what motivated a songwriter to create the lyrics to this song.  What must it have been like to be snowbound at home, no word from anybody outside the family living in the house, to the point where listening for sleigh-bells was an exciting event because that meant company was arriving...postcards, letters by snail-mail, etc.  Definitely different.

Personally, I embrace the times we live in.  The incredible potentiality available to us is stupendous.  What I love the most is the 12 Steps.  Such a simple thing but powerful, effective, and freely given.  I am deeply grateful to be here in these times and to receive the bounty of the fruits of the labor of so many...and GOD-willing, to pass it on so others can benefit, too. 

The Hell Hole of the Lie

My biggest fear while living my life has been fearing myself.  As we all know, people who are violent, abusive, molesters, etc. are usually, not all the time, but the majority by far, children who witnessed these things either by being perpetrated on or by seeing it done to others.  While growing up I didn't know that fact.  All I knew was to survive as best I could.  I really didn't know how I wanted to be but I did know how I didn't want to be.

"Normal" in my world meant never let on what you really think without first finding out what everybody else thought.  Watch-out for any word that you speak.  To be one with the majority was critical for survival.  Never be "different".  Never show your true feelings, especially anything remotely construed as a gentle, soft, tender emotion because that was considered a red flag and signaled the circling of the pack to shred into you because you are then viewed as too weak, vulnerable and unworthy. Never make a mistake or at least own up to making one, cover it up immediately then blame someone else for making it.  If confronted, find fault.  When in doubt...deny, deny, deny.  Bury the truth.  "Fit in" at all costs.  Try to look the same, as much as possible.  "They" lead...you follow and shut-up.  And watch-out, always watch-out because the rule-makers can change the rules without notice or consultation.  On the outside looking in but at all costs, look like you are on the inside of the pack looking out, no matter what.

What working the 12 Steps has done for me has been to help work my way out of the hell hole of inauthenticity.   I've learned so much.  Do I tell the truth because I want to or do I tell the truth because I'm a compulsive truth teller?  What is the difference between honesty and stupidity?  Because I want to make amends for how I've treated others, do I become a welcome mat where they can wipe their feet on me?  There is so much to learn and I'm a slow learner.  I'm one of those who repeats my mistakes until the lesson sinks in on what not to do but more importantly, what to do instead.  

I've come a long, long way.  Just for today I can choose to speak my truth...and listen to yours as I've learned to do in this program because I might hear exactly what it is I really need to know.  The Higher Power uses us to help each other.  One day at a time...sincerely, Carol

THE LONG HANDLED SPOONS

Swami was having a conversation with Lord Shiva one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what heaven and hell are like.”

Lord Shiva led the Swami to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the Swami looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the Swami’s mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful.  However, the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.  The Swami shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering. Lord Shiva said, “You have seen hell”.

They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man’s mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.  The Swami said, “I don’t understand”.

“It is simple”, said Lord Shiva, “It requires but one skill. You see, they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves”.

http://www.forwardsteps.com.au/docs/LongHandledSpoonStory.pdf

C.Y.A.---Change Your Attitude

Oh, my gosh!  Yesterday turned out to be nothing like I planned!  It was Andie's day off from work and I'd hoped to go see the car she has for sale because every time I drive Hunter it feels horrible.  Plus I needed to go to Sam's Club to buy dog food for Elvis.  All this before going in to work but to no avail.  My day went nothing like I hoped.  I forget how slow I am in the mornings.  It's like I'm afraid to push myself to go any faster because then I start aching.  From pain-free to yucky.  Jeesh.  Seems to take so long to get simple things done now.  Also my co-worker's daughter was in a car wreck so the work schedule coverage was thrown off.  Our evening staff person worked the morning shift and a relief person was arranged to help.  BUT about 4:30pm she called to say she'd just been to see the doctor and has strep throat.  No way she can work at the shelter in that condition.  She feels so sick, it's very contagious and so guess who stayed to cover the shift?

Another thing is my uncanny ability to fixate on "What's wrong with this picture?" gets activated and soon to follow are immense, intense, sometimes intermittent feelings of resentment, poor me and martyrdom.  In a flash.  My thoughts become like wild horses in a stampede of  "This is too hard.  I can't do it.  I'm hurting but I can't leave.  I'm the only one who can do this.  There's no one else, etc."   Wow.  Just that quick.

The challenge is to stop the stampede, cut the crap.  Stay in the present moment, l-o-v-e myself through whatever is going on.  Change the internal dialogue to "What an honor to be here, to be of service.  What can I do to make this better for me and everybody here?  Change my attitude. From complaint to gratitude. This job is a privilege.  I may not be able to do it all perfect but I'm able to do the best I can in this moment.  Remember to smile, to speak with a gentle, caring, respectful tone of voice.  It's nobody's fault.  Treat myself and others kindly....and remember to b-r-e-a-t-h-e."

The program kicks in when I need it.  This makes all the difference in the world for me.  I'm deeply grateful.

By the time I arrived home it was after 10pm and although I hesitated, thought it was too late, etc. I went ahead and called my sponsor.  We had a lovely conversation and now I feel better connected  and on board.  Yeah!  Such a simple thing to do is to pickup that 5 ton telephone but hard as heck to do because of the resistance, the excuses, the justifications and rationalizations of why not to do it!  Jeesh.  It does get better.  Thank GOD for that....sincerely, Carol  

 

My Sponsor

I heard Lisa, my sponsor, tell her story at the Sunday AA women's meeting I go to.  Just when I think I had it so bad I get to hear someone's story that is so gripping, so traumatic I forget all about mine.  I can only say how much I honestly admire, love and appreciate this woman who survived so much.  She's a beautiful person and I'm lucky to know her.  I rarely call her.

In early sobriety I called Charity so many times.  I asked her about this or that, sometimes I felt desperate, other times I just wanted to hear her voice.  I grew close to her and felt attached like she was a second mother as she helped me take baby steps in the program.  No matter what, she seemed to be just a phone call away.  All this changed when her addiction to tobacco took over.  Her health grew worse and worse until she died. Addiction does not play.  It kills.

So the next sponsor was Linda who is sweet, understanding, very intelligent and has over 30 years in the program.  Whereas Charity coached me about the Steps, Linda nurtured me and felt like she held my hands through whatever came my way.  She, too, seems just a phone call away, day or night.  She continues to be a good friend and I love her for just being herself.

Now I wear my big girl panties in the program and most of the people I call are the newbies, anyone who seems to be struggling and has no sponsor, etc.  I have my sponsor's phone number on the bottom of the list.  I'm changing this.  I'm putting her at the top.

This is a selfish program.  My recovery, my self-care must come first.  I don't know how I slowly, gradually, little by little, ever so slightly meander away and get off track from my needs as a sponsee.  I do know I can't give it if I don't have it so I must recommit to strengthening my contact with my sponsor. She prefers to be called in the evening so I'll begin today by calling her tonight.

The beauty of this program is that it's not about perfection...it's about progress.  If I make mistakes today, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I make amends to myself and others as I work on living this program one day at a time.

  

Collaboration, Cooperation and Inclusion

Well, I am no guru, leader, know it all 12 Stepper.  I do what I know and keep an open mind as best I can.  I am one of the s-l-o-w ones.  Back in 1993 I got enough of the program to keep my foot in the door and I'm glad about that!  I throw everything into my recovery.  The Steps, slogans, literature, online speaker meeting tapes, podcasts, mp3s, prayer, meditation, sponsor, the phone, meetings, etc.

From working this program I've learned a lot about a spiritual language where unity is so critical.  The Traditions teach me to value collaboration, cooperation and inclusion. "There is but one ultimate authority", "we hang together or die alone", "the only requirement for membership is a desire", on and on.

I have a long way to go.  I'm not "done" like when you bake a cake.  I still have a way to go but the exciting thing is I keep learning, stretching, growing in love.  For this I'm truly, deeply, humbly grateful because I never thought I would ever be one of the "winners".  And whenever I see someone else reach for and grab a hold of this program, put their foot in the door, I feel so excited for them because there is a tremondous difference in just barely living life as the walking dead or living life large in the Sunlight of the Spirit....

A rushed blog...

Well, this morning I drive Sho to buy then transfer the title of a truck. Then I go to physical therapy.  I put this all in my Higher Power's hands.

Yesterday I saw the young woman who used to be my OA sponsor.  I asked for her phone number and I look forward to talking with her.  Yeah!

Well, my blog is really short this morning and the biggest deal is how much time am I spending in prayer and meditation with my Higher Power because this is where the day begins.  This is when the first opportunity presents itself on how I choose to spend my present moments....

Switching Addictions=Switching Seats on the Titanic

Last night I listened to the Kindle female voice read the big book of  "Alcoholics Anonymous" while I cut-out a Simplicity vest pattern.  The soft tissue felt so airy and light but made a surprisingly loud noise.  I had a hard time going to sleep because I'd taken a long nap in the afternoon.   I went with Sho to Pflugerville to look at a truck for sale.  I felt exhausted afterwards because I continue to react to driving and being driven.  I feel so nervous and tense, fearing an accident might occur.  But I know, this too shall pass.  I will heal with time.  Most of all I feel grateful.  I know but for the grace of GOD it might have been so much worse.

Today I go to meetings.  I also love to listen to on-line speaker meetings in all the different fellowships.  I am fascinated by this spiritual malady and its symptoms.  How it looks different but is the same old thing, over and over.  Also how Bill W. was gifted by that Power Greater than ourselves to where he synthesized the recovery format of the 12 Steps program to the point it can be duplicated then used for a plethora of illnesses.  Amazing.  I read recently that at the end stages of his life, the last few days, he wanted a drink---craved it---and raised hell about it but there was no liquor at Stepping Stones so he didn't get it but it wasn't from lack of him trying to get it!  Fascinating.  Also how he died from congestive heart failure due to emphysema and pneumonia caused by smoking tobacco, another addiction.  Damn.  It seems as if one don't get you, another one will!

The same thing that killed Bill W. also killed my first sponsor, Charity V.  She had over 23 years of sobriety from alcohol but tobacco got her in the end.  I watched as she fought to kick it over and over.  Each fight got smaller and smaller, the relapse imminent.  I believe "others die so we can live".  One of Charity's gifts to me was the chance to see what tobacco addiction did to this sweet, loving, intelligent human being.  It killed her.

When I quit smoking November 17, 1993 I had a plan.  I smoked my last cigarette at 10pm, flushed the rest away.  The plan was...no matter what happens I can never smoke again.  If I have seizures, faint, a stroke, a heart attack or whatever happens as a result of quitting, detoxing...I can never smoke again. No matter how bad I feel, how nervous, angry, sad, busy, frantic...I can never smoke again.  No matter how celebratory, excited, happy I feel...I can never smoke again.  No matter what.  Here it is almost 19 years later and it's still the same...no matter what I can never smoke again.

When I quit smoking I gained 40 pounds in about 3-4 months.  Like a balloon.  I never was bony by any stretch of the imagination but not really obese like I seemed to become overnight.   Now I no longer drank or smoked my thoughts and emotions away...I stuffed them down (also as I age I notice my body's ability to get rid of fat is even slower than ever).  Jeesh.  So my plan is no matter what...I can no longer eat or drink anything unconsciously.  I must stay alert, aware, and awake.  Whatever or whenever it is I eat, I am to stay completely conscious no matter what.  No situations, people, places, things, reasons or excuses will suffice to justify or rationalize eating or drinking anything at any time unconsciously.  No matter what I can never eat or drink anything unconsciously ever again.  Period.  And so it begins...

God grant me the serenity
     to accept the things I cannot change,
     the courage to change the things I can,
     and the wisdom to know the difference.

I regret vs I'm sorry

A therapist and I once went into conflict about saying "I'm sorry".  I completely disagreed with her about using this phrase when making amends.

My experience has been when I say "I'm sorry" basically I'm saying I'm messed-up and to look out because I'm probably going to do it to you again.  I feel so badly to hurt you because deep down inside me I know I'm pitiful and will more than likely do it again.  Not only will I do it to you but to others too because that's the way I am.  That's the way I roll.  It's nothing personal to you because it has nothing to do with you.  It's all about who?  Selfish, self-centered to the core.

When I make an amends it's different when I say "I regret".  There is something solid, concrete.  Then I add the specific, observable behavior we can all see.  For instance:

• I want you to know I regret yelling at you.
• I regret using words to hurt you.
• I regret lying to you.
• I regret arriving late.

Then I make a commitment to change.  For example:

• I regret yelling at you and I want you to know I make a commitment to you that from now on I will work on keeping a quieter tone of voice.
• I regret using words to hurt you and from now on I will work on using my words in a loving, respectful manner towards you.
• I regret lying to you and from now on I will work on speaking the truth.
• I regret arriving late and from now on I will work on arriving on time.   

It sounds so simple but it's hard as heck to do because in my family it just wasn't the thing.  Are you kidding?  We weren't allowed to make mistakes, be wrong, imperfect.  To do so was to be compared to others, ridiculed, blamed, or physically hit.  So it felt like a life or death matter, in a way, to not make a mistake much less admit to making it!  The great family cover-up.  Undeserved loyalty to the family secrets.  Jeesh.  "Gotta look good, avoid looking bad" at all costs (which is one of the sayings I learned at the Landmark Forum) certainly applies here.

One of the gifts of the 12 Steps is the freedom from the bondage of people-pleasing which I never was very good at.  The paradox is the more I work the Steps, the better are my relationships with others.  It seems I am quicker to own my part in situations and to stop taking on other people's "stuff" and allow them to have the dignity to their own lives without my interference. I make my own amends, not everybody else's.  Live and Let Live.  Get the heck out of the way.  Whew!  What a relief!

The Emotions Dial/Tuner

Well...I'm starting to feel the blues more and more.  My affect is flattening, not a lot but enough to feel it and my thought-life is starting to spiral...in other words, it's redundant.  I notice when I listen to the news I really feel down.  I've heard people tell me, "Don't take things so personally" but I feel these things very deeply.  I'm sensitive.  Even when I see a dead animal on the road I grieve, the sadness is strong.  I hope and pray its demise was quick, painless.  Jeesh.  It's like I have an Emotions Dial/Tuner that stays stuck on "Sad" and "Sadder".  On the inside, I'm like, "No! No! I don't want to feel this way!" but I feel it more and more.  To resist is to persist.  Intellectually I know there are other feelings on the Emotions Dial/Tuner besides "Sad" and "Sadder". What about "Happy"?  "Joyous"?  "Free"?  The truth is I wonder if I just like to sit in it, feel the self-pity well up in me, you know, the classic "Pity Pot" as I play a private, personal hellhole game of "Ain't It Awful".

"Ain't It Awful"...about that earthquake?...that tsunami?....the air pollution?...all that fighting?...all that hate?....death and dying?...addictions?...global warming?...the economy?...my upbringing?..your upbringing?______________(fill in the blank).  I fixate.  It starts slow and subtle and before I notice...there I am.  Right back in the middle of stuff...in the center of the Universe...the Director's seat...E.dging G.od O.ut...that strange mental twist...leading me straight to hell on Earth.  Jeesh.  Cunning, powerful and baffling.

This is learned behavior, in my opinion.  Somewhere along the way, I learned to avoid, waste my present moments by doing this instead of Living Life to the fullest.  And the way I learned to do this...I can unlearn it.  By practicing on living in the moment, stay in the present, embrace my Higher Power, squeeze all I can from Life, enjoy the bounteous abundance of this gift so freely given.  One day at a time

Today I have the choice to keep the dial where it is or reach in and turn the knob.  It's like when I'm listening to a radio station I don't want to listen to anymore.  Do I keep listening to it?  Sometimes I do or I just tune into another station.  Other stations are there, I just need to tune in to them.  So it is with my emotions.  I just need to tune into "Happy", etc.  Today I have a choice...sit in it or not sit in it.  Which is it to be?  No one else can do or decide this for me...it's an inside job.  Let it begin with me...

All Paths Lead to the Same Place

I went to my first physical therapy appointment in the North side of town and I am excited because Tracey said in 8 sessions I'll be a lot better!  Awesome!  I feel grateful, deeply humble.  I want this over with so I can move forward.  Yeah!   Also, I went to Amazon.com and bought the book, "Games People Play" by Eric Berne for the Kindle.   Now it's on my list of books to re-read.

As life speeds up at times it's important to take a deep breath and slow it down a bit.  I enmesh myself in trying to get it all done and forget to stop, breathe deep, pause, relax...let go and let GOD.  All paths lead back to the same thing...straight back to the Higher Power.  The Steps just help get there quicker, exactly where I need to be, with the Higher Power...Step 1...

An Inside Job

No matter what is going on in external events, the real work is on the inside.  "On earth...as it is in heaven."  "The kingdom within".  How many times am I captivated, mesmerized by the unfolding situations and riveting personalities presented by the world-at-large?  Only, one more time, to forget myself, my part in it all, how I contribute to the messes by allowing myself to get sucked up into the "drama", the "games people play"?  How I know "a game" is by the presence of 3 roles:  victim, persecutor, and rescuer.  Simple.  If I'm not playing one role, it switches off to another.   That is how I know I'm playing.  The only way to not play, to stop the B.S., is to be Honest, keep an Open-mind and the Willingness to accept.  What a concept.  Sounds so simple but hard as heck to do at times.

"Kick Me", "Little Red Riding Hood", "NIGYSOB" (Now I Got You, Son of a B.), "Alcoholic", etc. are some of the games and there are others.  Jeesh.  Playing games is such a way to waste time, money, effort and extremely seductive.  Cunning, powerful, baffling indeed.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)

When I work the Steps everything changes.  I get real.  The B.S. stops right in its tracks.  I stop relying on my mind, my best thoughts or other people, places and things and instead I rely on my Higher Power.  The instant I do this everything changes.  The matrix shifts.  I get the heck out of the way...and hand it all over.  Wow...let the show begin...Step 1...

Detaching in a Loving or a Hateful Way

I love the 12 Steps program!  Especially the Alanon perspective or angle.  Whenever I read the word "drinking" in the literature I just substitute the word "thinking".  Not everybody I know drinks alcohol but everybody I know does think.  LOL

For example, the writing on DETACHMENT says that "alcoholism is a family disease.  Living with the effects of someone's drinking (I say, "thinking") is too devastating for most people to bear without help...we learn nothing we say or do can cause or stop someone else's drinking (thinking).  We are not responsible for someone else's disease or recovery from it.  Detachment allows us to let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, with dignity and rights, lives guided by a Power greater than ourselves.  We can still love the person without liking the behavior."

I also like to change the wording to better suit me.  (I'm selfish that way.)  For instance, I change "Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people."  to "Stop suffering because of the actions or reactions of other people."  "Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused  by others in the interest of another's recovery." to "Stop allowing ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery."  "Not to do for others what they can do for themselves." to "Stop doing for others what they can do for themselves."  "Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink, or behave as we see fit."  to "Stop manipulating situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, stop drinking, or behave as we see fit."   "Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds." to "Stop covering up another's mistakes or misdeeds."  "Not create a crisis".  to "Stop creating crisis."  And last, but not least, "Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events." to "Stop preventing a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."

Now...if only I remember this when I need it the most!!!  Jeesh.  Sincerely, Carol

Following Directions

I am NOT one of those who walked into the rooms of the 12 Steps and instantly, immediately caught onto this program, did it just right, intuitively had all the answers, etc.  I am one of those, and there are many of us, who has been a hard nut to crack.  It is but for the grace of GOD that no matter what, no matter how hard it got, whether white knuckle or not, I have refused to take a drink over it.  I know, without any doubt whatsoever, I am one of those who has an allergy to alcohol in any form.  It does trigger the phenomena of physical craving in me where one is too many and a hundred aren't enough cause I want more, not just a taste. I don't know exactly why I am this way but I know I can't take credit or blame for this because that is like taking credit for the color of my eyes.  I seem to have been born this way.  I can tell you this...my family system seems to have a lot of addictions and mental illnesses.  In 2006 I learned the 3 C's in Alanon:  I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it...a couple of weeks ago I learned the 4th C...I can however, contribute to it.  I can make it worse.  This illness is progressive.  It just gets worse and worse if left untreated.

My problem is not so much the allergy to alcohol because as long as I don't drink, my allergy isn't triggered.  The real problem centers in my mind.  The way I think I am.  I think I only mean well, no intention of hurting anybody, I just want what's best, just do what I say, wish, want then everything will be fine.  That's crazy, because I am not GOD, I am not all-powerful or all-knowing, etc.  I deny and deny that I'm acting this way by controlling, manipulating, lying by omission,  getting people on "my side", etc.  The truth is if I could stop being this way, I would but I can't so I won't.  I am the problem.  That's why "WE" is the solution.  Group Of Drunks.  I can tell me all the lies I want but in a group, somebody will tell it like it really is, the truth and that's why I keep coming back to the meetings. My mirror can get pretty foggy, distorted by myself but when the group holds the big mirror I get clear pretty quick!  LOL  Meetings are so vitally important.  One of the common denominators of people who relapse is they quit going to meetings.  I truly believe the Higher Power is right there in those meetings, I just gotta keep an open mind and willingness to hear what is being said.

The first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the exact recipe, the directions to working the 12 Steps.  On page xiii, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book." Bill W. used italics to signify the special importance of these words. At
 xa-speakers.org are the speaker tapes of Joe and Charlie as they study the big book, the basic text of the 12 Steps.  Very helpful.  I like to hear Chris and Myers, too.  It takes what it takes.

If nothing else works, I can do as suggested by so many who have succeeded in this program...follow the directions.  Love, Carol  xoxox

A Quiet Saturday Evening

Beau and Bonny brought their sofa to us yesterday because of upgrading to a larger, different style.  They helped load our old one on the truck then Sho and I went to a second-hand store where he dropped it off.  Afterwards we drove to different vehicle dealerships as we looked to find a truck he can afford to purchase but to no avail.

Stitch n Elvis when they were little rascals...now they're big dogs.

We arrived home where Stitch and Elvis greeted us at the door.  They seem to have a routine where they both cry and howl at the door like they are heart-broken wolves on a cold, lonely moonlit night.  Silly dogs. They are entertaining though.  They are so ecstatic, happy, besides themselves with joy to see us.  They run around and around, doing tricks, expressing themselves, their eyes dancing.  Cute and so lovable. 

I drove to town to buy dogfood and took Stitch with me.  We walked into Petsmart, got the food, etc.  When we returned home Sho was making chicken soup and the aroma wafted out the door as we walked in.  The football game was blaring in the livingroom which he watched by looking out the kitchen window (he'd installed himself many years ago over the stove) as he chopped vegetables, etc.

We ate dinner, fed those crazy dogs, and enjoyed our evening together as we took turns letting one dog out at a time to run outside free for awhile until they'd bark at the door, ready to come back into the house.  A quiet evening except for that football game where Sho would yell at the plays, etc.  Hilarious.  I've been guilty myself of this behavior when swept up into the drama!

Anyway, I feel grateful for the moments and days like this.  I look at the magnitude of the sky, the trees, grass, etc. and feel full of gratitude, awe, and love for the Higher Power who bestows these multiple blessings surrounding us all.  Very grateful indeed.  Love, Carol hugs-n-kisses
 

Stamp Collecting and Cashing In

Well, a friend talked to me yesterday and he said I collect "stamps" then I cash them in so I can act-out.  I told him, "Yes, the brown ones (for B.S.)."  Then I asked him, "Have you read my blog?"

"No.," he said, "I'm only interested in the here and now, not what you wrote about some other time."

Okay.  It was interesting how he talked about collecting stamps when I had written just that morning about how I clung to a string of memories, etc.  Anyway, I agreed with everything he said.  He's right on it all.  I understand about the game of stamp collecting.  I also know the only way to stop a game is to stop playing.  Drop it.  Walk away.  And the only way to beat a game is to be honest. Which leads right back to the 12 Steps.  The essentials for recovery are Honesty, an Open-mind and Willingness.

No matter how I push and pull on this program it all leads back over and over to the same thing...keep coming back, it works if you work it.  More will be revealed...I'm so grateful recovery is about progress, not perfection!  Whew!  I love and trust my Higher Power to help me through this all...one day at a time.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

An Obsession to an Attachment

Well, I've suggested to a few people to go to dogontheroof.com and listen to Sue Drum work through the Steps.  She's  interesting because she uses the big book of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and the Al-anon 12 and 12  to work through them.  It's been a while since I've listened to her but I've decided to listen again since I keep pointing people her way.  The day I think I've already heard it all I will be in serious trouble!  I must stay teachable.

I'm having trouble with staying asleep all night.  When I awaken, I can't go back to sleep.  I find myself grieving and thinking about the wreck.  A better word is...obsessing about it.  Jeesh.

What I realize is there is a common thread throughout my life's major painful memories.  They are like prickly, spiked pearls of daggers strung together on a particular attachment.  I thought it was the indignity, the life-threatening fear of being hurt in the first place but no, that isn't it.  I have an attachment to "all I ever wanted was to be cared for" and the shock value amplified after being hurt because the perpetrators had absolutely no commitment to do anything like this at all.  And that is what I have a really hard time letting go of.  The whole string of those memories labeled "Please Care About Me ATTACHMENT".  Grasped, guarded, clung close to my chest but they hurt me more and more, long after the event.  C-r-a-z-y.  All I gotta do is let go, right?  But how?  I've done this for so long.  It's all I know to do to live life...or is it?

Step 1...I admit I am powerless over the obsession on the attachment of "all I ever wanted was to be cared for" and that my life is unmanageable because I relive over and over the internal anguish, grief, shame, rejection, neglect, abandonment, guilt, punishment I perpetrate on myself by obsessing on what the perpetrators did to me so I continue the painful cycle for them l-o-n-g after they've even forgotten about it, moved on in their lives or died!  This reminds me of the movie "Ground Hog Day".  LOL
Step 2...Came to believe a Power Greater than myself  can restore me to sanity.  I come to, realize, awaken, become conscious that I'm whacko, off-track, off the beam, crazy. Stuck in my head.  Mental.  Don't even notice it.  Feels natural, right, normal but I'm so not.  I think I got it all covered but I don't.  There is, however, a Higher Power all-knowing, all-powerful, all this and that, who really does has it ALL covered.  It ain't me.  May I find it now...and plug-in.
Step 3...Dear GOD, please help me.  Take away my difficulties with this attachment that I may be of greater service to You and others.  That others may see that Your power and grace, Your way of life works, it really does.  Love, Carol
Step 4...

And so it goes...

It takes what it takes

Well, I went to see Bernard yesterday and talked to him about my current situation.  It feels so good to have a professional therapist that is excellent at his job!  I can rant, rage, cry and blubber as I discharge the energy stuck inside.  I feel safe to do this with him because he can handle my human emotions spewing all over the place while I sit there at the end of the sofa.  When I walked in I felt as if I was Linda Blair on "The Exorcist", as if possessed by the emotional memories from July 31st.  By the time I left, I felt cleaner, clearer, a lot better.  I went to work and disclosed I'd been to see Bernard. Talk about feedback!   My co-workers said they were glad because I'd been very irritated, tense, and easily agitated.  That it was obvious I was having a hard time letting go of what happened to me.  Jeesh.  And here I was thinking I was holding it together pretty good!  White-knuckle indeed!

Also, it's interesting how people react to the idea of therapy.  One of my co-workers has never been to a therapist and probably never will.  Whereas another co-worker is a therapist and fully embraces the process of self-disclosure, open-expansive healing.  Some people are completely put-off with the idea of mental health and taking care of it.  But really, mental hygiene is just as important as dental, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, etc.  I have heard about red and yellow, brown, black and white, smart and dumb, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, scientists, cashiers, psychiatrists, pediatricians, police officers, judges, lawyers, astronauts, movie stars, athletes, doctors, nurses, teachers, students, parents and children, etc. who don't and won't address their inner needs so then they end-up acting-out and on the headlines, exposed in all their human goriness instead of their glorious-ness.

We are fully capable of reaching incredible heights of spiritual freedom and also capable of plummeting to the very gates of hell.  Jeesh.  And we need each other.  I believe we are hardwired to care for and to help each other on the path of Life. Then there are those off the path, misled.  Those who lurk in the shadows, eclipsed by the darkness but they, too, have their place.  Like the black notes beside the white ivory keys building tension and drama on the piano, black paint by white contrasting and dividing space in a picture, and the black velvet background showcasing the brilliant, glittering, diamond-studded stars on the darkest of nights.  If nothing else, they show us how not to be.  "There, but for the grace of GOD, go I" is the saying.  "Never spit up" is another.

I have lived in the shadows.  I know what it's like to be on the outside-looking-in.  Living in the grip of addiction is exactly this.  Lurking in the shadows, brief skitters into the light, wanting, hoping but never getting it.  Scattered, chaotic, destructive trails of where it took me.  Like the aftermath of a skipping, back and forth tornado.  But I couldn't see it.  I could see it in others but never in me.  Denial has its place.  It looks a heck of a lot better on others than on me.  I had a hard time owning it.  I am still slow in this area but I'm still growing.  Yeah!

For today, I want to live in the full Sunlight of the Spirit.  I know what to do and that is work those darn-tooting Steps!   Jeesh.  So I pick them up and just do it...one day at  time.  And if therapy is a part of my recovery, so be it because half-measures avail me nothing.  It takes what it takes.  Sincerely, Carol  

Humility vs Humiliation

Humiliation...to lower or hurt the dignity or pride of

As a child I had many humiliating experiences.  A few were major life-changing but most were just common, everyday small, almost not even worth noticing much less mentioning since there were so many.  To admit, out loud, "Hey!  That hurt!  Stop!" was so-not-okay.  Being pushed around, waiting to be fed, frowned at for asking, wanting or needing something, talked about as if I wasn't standing right there and heard everything being said about me, being compared to others and found wanting or less than, being slapped, pushed or hit as if it didn't hurt me, being threatened with violence if I didn't comply, the embarrassment of being yelled at or belittled in public not even in the privacy of home, disregarded as if I was too insignificant to be treasured, loved or cared for, withstanding a cold, arrogant, tyrannic, sneering voice of disdain or downright cruelty mocking my fear and sensitivity as weaknesses, etc.  It seemed every little good thing I received had a catch, a condition, a price I had to pay.  Humiliation was something I grew up with.  This is what I knew.  I hated that feeling and cringed to think I, too, not only humiliated others, I humiliated me, too.  I kept doing to me what used to be done by others.  How to stop the cycle?

Humility...the quality or condition of being humble;  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

When I arrived to the rooms of the 12 Step program I was beat-down.  I was ready and willing to do anything to stop the pain.  My self-confidence, self-will, self-knowledge and self-reliance brought me down to my knees.  I crawled in and asked for help.  I became ready to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.  I shut-up and learned to listen to another possibility.  That if I kept coming back to meetings, read the literature, practiced the 12 Steps on a daily basis, meditated, got a sponsor, used the Serenity Prayer, wrote a gratitude list, depended on my Higher Power, helped another suffering person...if I just did the work...

Just for today, I am humbled and have learned my rightful place, rank, importance in the matrix of the Universe.  There is a Director,a Power Greater than me that has everything covered.  I have power but it is limited in scope except when I'm plugged into the Higher Power then it's amazing!  Kind of like, if a cart is hitched in front of the horse---it might work but pretty limited with a lot of bungling.  Whereas, if the cart is hitched behind the horse's strength, power and grace then the cart flows effortlessly behind.  So it is with me...pause, make sure I remember who's large and in charge, relax and go with the flow, do the next right thing.  If I don't know what is the next right thing, I ask my Higher Power...more will be revealed. One day at a time.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox 

P.S  There is a lovely poem "Just for today" somewhere on the Internet...C.

  

The Squeeze

Well, already this week I feel the challenge of The Squeeze.  Whatever I think and feel when I am by myself, at peace or not, is one thing.  But when I am out there in the world connecting and being around everybody else that is quite another.  Jeesh.   I like to believe I'm above the common struggle  but the truth is I'm so common it ain't funny!  It's like when you squeeze an orange, what do you get?  Orange juice because that is what's in it.  When you squeeze Carol, what do you get?  What's in me, the true essence.

Yesterday I finally picked up the phone and called EAP which is the Employee Assistance Program at work.  Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to ask for help.  I've got that false pride, do it on my own, stoic backbone, stiff upper-lip attitude that gets in the way.  Why do I need to tell anybody my business when I can take care of it on my own?  There's a saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets".  My secret is I keep things inside that need to be expressed and let go so I can move on.  And I can't do this alone.  Apparently I'm one of those who needs to look into the eyes of another human being and discharge the energy stuck inside about people, places and things.  That is the 5th Step:  Admitted to GOD, myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  An understanding sponsor can help with this and so can therapy.  It takes what it takes.


So when I'm squeezed what comes out is the truth...I'm not perfect.  I'm not all that and a pack of potato chips.  I've got a l-o-n-g way to go.

And the truth is...I've come a l-o-n-g way from where I used to be.  Today I have something I dreamed and longed for.  A set of simple tools, freely given, laid at my feet that all I have to do is pick up and use them.  The 12 Steps program...Step 1...Sincerely, Carol oxoxo

The Best Game in Town

For me, the best Recovery game is the 12 Steps. It has done for me what nothing else has ever done.  I can play all the B.S. games I want and use up my present moments wasting away, mired in the technicalities of penalties, errors and strikes.  Or I can stop the B.S. and start hitting home-runs.  With the help of my Higher Power I am in The Zone, The Flow.  I let go and let God.  Like Confucius say,  "The inspired person hits the mark..................................................................without taking aim."

If I don't know which Step or slogan to use, I'll usually use the basic of "1, 2, 3" or the Serenity Prayer.  If that doesn't work I pick up the phone, or I'll do what Bill W. did and is written about over and over in the big book of "Alcoholics Anonymous".  Nothing else helps as much as reaching-out and helping another alcoholic, Al-anon, etc.  That is the Knock-Out Punch.  The dis-ease doesn't stand a chance.  I guarantee you it works for me every time.  This action helps take me out of my head which can be a dangerous place when left to my own intellectual resources instead of trusting and relying on my Higher Power.

The 12 Steps game is simplicity on a dynamic level.  But I have the history of making it sooooooo complex because I want to analyze and understand it, to know exactly what I'm doing and why I'm doing it before completely giving myself over to this simple program.  It's like sticking my big toe in the water and gauging how cold it's going to be, preparing for the big jump.

It's all in taking the leap.  Jump!  The saying is, "Take the leap, then the net appears".  I once heard Joyce Meyers talk about how most ordinary people can broad-jump about 6 feet and world class athletes jump about 17 feet.  But neither one can jump over the Grand Canyon.  So it is in the Spirit.  We need our Higher Power's love, power and grace to make it to the other side.

The thing is, way down deep in the back recesses of my mind is the sneaky belief I'm not good enough, I'll never get it, other people are but not me.  The thought was implanted like a seed in me by others and I've nurtured it for years.  I took care of it long after they stopped.  The 12 Steps help me see it for what it is and to weed it out so my beautiful flowers get a chance to grow, to bloom.

Yeah!  I love the Steps...they work every time...if I just work it.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

 

Spiritual Exercise Goals

Well, today I go to my meetings, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise. Here are some of my high-flooting goals for this coming week:

1. Tighten the primary bond with my Higher Power on a daily basis by just being quiet, sitting still with and listening to the gaps between the silence.  Start at 5 minutes in the morning and 5 at night to be increased gradually up to at least 10-15 minutes.
2. Strengthen my "Watch-out for the baited-hooks" muscles to stop allowing myself to get sucked-up into other people's drama, also known as "MYOB" or "Rescue". 
3. Boost my "Forgiveness" muscles...of myself, my family, and the world by smiling, hugging, acting kind and loving, or at least keep it light and polite.
4. Practice embracing my feelings without acting on every demanding impulse.  Remember to pause, ask my Higher Power for help, b-r-e-a-t-h-e.  Follow the breath.
5. Restore my "Feelings" muscles by giving each following feeling at least 1 work-out a day.  Joy, fun, happiness, freedom, high self-esteem, serenity, peace, hope, courage, fulfillment, wonder, dignity, worthiness, intimacy, faith, gratitude, love, ease, balance and grace.  
6. Work on asking the tough questions in the moment.  "Who said that?", "What do you mean?", etc.  Clarify, clarify, clarify instead of just accepting everybody's word like GOD just spoke or something like that.  Jeesh.  This gets me in so many problems because I don't ask, I just assume they're telling me how it is then I find out later the missing, intricate pieces that weren't included.
7. Bolster my sagging muscle of "Let it begin with me" by taking initiative, stop waiting for others to change.  Instead I take responsibility for what and how I feel, think, believe, want, act, etc.  
8. Exercise "Ask for help".  Start with wee, little things then build on this skill.
9. Try-out new possibilities in self-expression.  Paint, sing, write a poem, etc.  It's not a competition with others.  It's a cooperation with self.
10. Practice being of service to others by reminding myself what I do speaks louder than words, keeping my opinions and advice to myself, and using the 12 Steps as the basis of my recovery.  One day at a time.

Oh...before I forget.  As I strive to build these "muscles" it's important to remember this is about progress, not perfection.  Love, Carol oxoxo

Cherishing a Moment in Time and Space

Yesterday, after work, I drove to H.E.B. and shopped for some groceries, turned a corner and there was Sho, my viejo.  We smiled quietly at each other, conversed a bit about what we were each buying, and that we'd be home shortly.  It was a nice surprise to meet him outside from the house.

Anyway, a couple of minutes later, I tuned the corner of an aisle where a young woman rushed towards a man pushing a grocery cart.  She appeared to be surprised to see him there.  He seemed tired, stooped from a hard day's work.  Their eyes locked on each other, her face all aglow with love and beaming with happiness.  She grabbed his hat off his head, wrapped her arm around his head, pulled him to her then their lips locked in hungry, sweet abandon.  Wow.  He changed!  It was like watching a time-lapse video of a wilted, limp, tired, dehydrated plant receive fresh water, air and a little sunshine.  His back straightened, he grew in strength, and his facial expression lifted in a smile that covered his face.  She laughed, they smiled and it was like they were in a private, personal world.  Right there at the store. The gentleness and intimacy these two people shared in that moment was really something to see.  I felt pleased, fortunate and privileged to witness their love for each other.   I politely turned my eyes and walked away as I looked for the next item on my shopping list.

I now cherish and hug this memory because somehow it just reaffirms how love and a genuine regard for each other changes us all.  We are trans formed.  It heals us.

Although Sho and I weren't in deep throes as we encountered each other at the store, there was still a quiet, eye-to-eye regard and love.  We smiled, parted ways then met again at the house where we talked with each other at length, shared our dinner and evening.  All was well with the world.

Before arriving to the 12 Steps, I might have seen something like this and said, "Wow, how cute." Then promptly forgot all about it it.  W-h-a-t-e-v-e-r.  One of the results of working this program is how grateful I feel.  That warm, fuzzy, loving feeling of humble thankfulness.  I remember the first assignment Charity gave me in early sobriety was to write a gratitude list on a daily basis.  Things I felt grateful for.  Jeesh.  Sounds so easy and simple, doesn't it?  I couldn't think of one thing I was grateful for.  I had to call and ask her for an example.  With her coaching I learned to not only recognize the multiple blessings I receive on a daily basis, I also learned to write them down and refer to them whenever I felt sad, bereft, without and not enough.  This still works if I just do it.  I've learned to look for the "good" in people, places and things instead of fixating, obsessing on the so-called "bad".  It's still a challenge for me at times. I'm definitely one of the slow ones in this program.  I'm one of the ones that seems to have to make a l-o-t of mistakes before I get it right.  It's a good thing they told me, "Keep coming back.  It's about progress, not perfection, etc."  LOL  Sometimes I re-read the blogs I've written because they help me just as much as when I wrote them.  Maybe even more so.because of repetition, I guess.  My Higher Power is so close to me when I stay open then I really feel it.  Step 1...Sincerely, Carol oxoxo

 

Focusing Spiritual Vision or not?

I remember an occasion, when I was around 5years old, of lying on my belly in green grass that had dandelions scattered in it.  I had my head propped on my hands as I played a game with my eye vision. First I focused to see the grass blades closest to me.  Each blade became sharply defined, etched in precision, while the background blurred and became indistinct. Then I switched focus and the background became defined while the blades in front of me became blurred.  I played this for quite awhile because I was fascinated by the phenomena and that I had the power to do this, to change perspective, at will.

So it is today.  I'm fascinated I have the power to choose on whether I focus on the controlling, ugly, hard, unhappy, callous disregard, hateful negativity with its powerful suction-cup strength of seductive, stealthy thievery of precious life or whether I keep my eyes on Life's present moments where gratitude, serenity, and peace of mind abound in the sanctuary of my Higher Power.  Positive, good, healthy, beneficial present moments of love, positive regard and attentive happiness in the high places of the Spirit or the low.  Which one is it going to be?

I've written about this before but it bears repeating.  The nature of my illness is my insanity repeats itself over and over.  So it is that a necessary part of my recovery is repetition, a discipline in working the Steps on a daily basis of spiritual hygiene   

As a result of doing the work me, myself and I feel, think, believe, become and stay in the present moment.  The most powerful moment.  This is where my Higher Power is...Step 1...

A Chance to Work the Steps

Yesterday I failed to write on my blog because the previous night I stayed up until about 4:30 in the morning as I wrote a narrative about the car wreck on July 31. I went to sleep for a couple of hours then I rushed to get dressed and prepared to meet with attorneys.  All this time since the accident, many friends and associates kept encouraging, "hire a lawyer, get legal help" but I kept hoping the insurance company would resolve the matter.

Anyway, I drove Hunter w-a-y over to the other side of town and got lost!  My anxiety was super high as I struggled to find the lawyers' office.  I even broke my own rule and used the cellphone while on the road.  Jeesh.   Wow.  The one good thing is this was a great opportunity to work the Steps.  Driving here and there, feeling anxious, panicked, worried about Hunter, hurting with back pain, not sure about anything, fear welling-up inside, thoughts of "Why bother? Just give up.  it's not worth all this angst.  Go home, go back to bed and pull up the cover over your head.  Stop trying. etc." A whirl in negativity.

Pause.

I looked at the sky, the ghost moon orb so silent, at the unfolding landscape of trees along the roadway and I thought about my Higher Power.  I breathed in deep.  Step 1...I admit I'm powerless over the past, that the accident happened, I was hurt, Hunter was hurt, the insurance company doesn't want to help, etc.  Step 2...Came to believe that a Power greater than me could restore me to sanity.  There is a Power Greater than me that is holding the moon up there and it ain't me.  It's real and it loves me.  It has everything covered.    Step 3...Made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of GOD as I understand GOD. Relax.  Breathe in the love, exhale the negativity.  I let go.  Breathe.  Relax. Let GOD.  Trust this will all work out just fine, just the way it will.  Step 4...Made a searching and fearless inventory of myself.  The truth is I resented writing the narrative because it stirred up the feelings I experienced at the accident.  It brought it all back to me.  I cried.  I felt surges of anger, etc. My part in this was I put-off doing the narrative until the night before.  I procrastinated.  The ideal was when I first made the commitment to write the narrative, that I made the time to pray first and hand it all over to my Higher Power, then at that time get pen and paper to write it.  Get it over with.  Step 5...Admitted to GOD, myself and another human being the exact nature of my character defects.  Avoidance and procrastination .  Step 6...  

I found the office and presented myself.  No matter what, that I even made it through those doors was a major accomplishment.  I felt disheveled, wonky, like I'd been in some kind of battle.  But rag-taggled or not, I felt victorious because I made it there.  Yeah! And so it begins...

E.G.O.---Edging God Out

        Before arriving in the 12 Steps program I really didn't know or understand how I contributed to life's problems.  Thanks to working the Steps, I see a clearer picture of my character defects.  A healthier perspective where I can accept and forgive myself for having limitations without condemning my humanity as I grow in love, tolerance and acceptance of myself and others with the help of my Higher Power as I continue to strive for my ideal.  At the core of self-centeredness is  E.G.O .  Here are a few of the ways self-will/ego manifests itself and can block me from the Sunlight of the Spirit---if I rest on my laurels and not work  a program of rigorous honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.  These are some of my defects of character that are outside in the parking lot doing exercises while I'm inside at a meeting:

   1.  sarcasm, criticism, judging myself and others as if I am GOD, the Creator, and like I know what's best for everybody

   2.  manipulating, hidden agenda's, "using" people, places and things without regard or value of their intrinsic  worth

   3.  withhold my love, trust, kind words, hugs, attention, sincerity, intimacy, prayers

   4.  controlling, dominating, spotlight on "me", hogging attention, look how "special" I am, neglecting others and myself

   5.  dishonesty, lying by omission, bald-faced lying, denial

   6.  fears real or imagined... I/you/we don't have enough or have too much,  I/you/we might win/succeed/make it or lose/fail/might not make it

   7.  justification, rationalization, excuses, reasons, covering up mine or other people's mistakes

   8.  acting inconsiderate, not on time, all for me or all for you, greedy, selfish, self-centered, wasting time, money. energy, effort

   9.  stubbornness, close-minded, pig-headed, rigid, opinionated,  condescension, patronizing

10.  gossiping, character assassination, kill a person, place or thing's reputation, one-upsmanship, put down others so I can feel bigger or better or smarter or ______

11.  jealousy, coveting, wanting what other's have, diminishing my worth and whatever I may have as unworthy by comparing to others, fixating, obsessing, minimizing and maximizing

12. arrogance as I criticize GOD's creations made in GOD's likenesses...intellectualizing, isolating, social withdrawal, separation, excluding 

      Andie loves the reading beginning on page 62 in the big book, "Alcoholics Anonymous", where the description of our true problem is, who causes it, and what is the solution.  At the core of the solution is the Higher Power...Step 1...yeah!  I am sooooo grateful...!  Love, Carol xoxox

  

Suspicion or Trust

Well, yesterday was a lovely, quiet day.  I didn't make it to the 3pm Women's AA meeting but I did make it to Alanon.   Afterwards I met my son, Beau, and his wife, Bonny, at Matt's El Rancho Mexican restaurant which was packed with people.   At first we were seated inside but the loud, cacophony of everybody talking was just way too much so we moved to the outside patio which was very nice and not so noisy.  Oh, my gosh, the huge platter of food was more than enough so I asked for a to-go container and brought some home for Sho.   He didn't finish it either!  Anyway, we talked about so many things and what I'd love to do is have a get-together at the house soon.  I'll ask Sho to see if he'll  barbecue some meat.  We'll see.

Growing up as I did affected me in so many ways.  One is that I react to sudden changes, loud noises, people's expressions, seemingly unobtrusive mannerisms, etc.  Automatically I "read" into situations.  My safety flags flash spontaneously in reaction to perceived potential problems.  Paranoia is a good word to describe this or just an overly-developed sensitive survival suspicion which probably saved my butt many a time.  That hyper-vigilance is actually a symptom of PTSD which is what I've been living with for many, many years.  I didn't know it was a diagnosis.  I just thought that was natural, normal.  Jeesh.  It was "normal" for me.  The fear of "is everything ok"?  "What's wrong with me"?  "What's wrong with this picture"?  Automatic, rapid, instantaneous flurry of thoughts and the rush of adrenaline as anxiety builds.  One of my sneaky addictions, I believe, is that rush of chemical reaction whenever I'm catastrophic-sizing, future-rizing or imagine-izing in my head.  A dangerous place to be.  Apparently when I'm in large crowds, like at that restaurant last night, it triggers this reaction in me.

Everybody, and I mean everybody, seemed authentically engaged in their dining experiences.  People being ushered to newly vacated tables where the busboys had just finished busily scooping off dishes, utensils and napkins.  Waiters balancing their steaming, sizzling platters of food way up in the air as they hurried to deliver its bounty to hungry patrons.  The exotic aromas of spices wafting, lingering in the air.  Yummy.  The chitter-chatter of animated conversations and laughter, a baby occasionally crying, etc.  All's good.

Then I noticed two Hispanic men with a young female sitting at the next table to us.  At first, it's no big deal.  It just appeared like a guy with his girlfriend plus his buddy there with him.  During the course of the evening I noticed certain behaviors that alarmed me.   A lack of tenderness, of respect.  A hard, hawklike, predatory expression in the "boyfriend's" eyes as he leaned towards her.  A mean, cruel, however fleeting, look directed by the buddy at the girl who seemed completely oblivious to it all except her legs unconsciously giggled, rapidly and nervously under the table.

I sensed all was not right but there was nothing to be done about it except to dis-engage.  So I consciously made an effort to re-focus my attention on dinner, family and my own dining experience but once in a while, surreptitiously monitored the situation.  Just in case.

Why do I do this?  How do I "know" there is a problem?  What is it about me that I scan in this way?  Is it all in my imagination or do I really have a "situation" radar before it even happens?  Is it real or is it Memorex?

I can say I trust my instincts.  There is usually a reason for how I feel although I may not know exactly what it is at first, but my experience is that more will be revealed with time.  I'm not unique.  I believe most of us have this ability, we just ignore or suppress it.

Before the 12 Steps I either mainly ignored, repressed and denied or acted on everything I thought or felt.  No brakes at all or braking all the way.  No gray.  Just black or white.  Right or wrong. The 12 Steps opened the doors of acceptance to where I can a lot more comfortably embrace polarized points of view while expanding the area between.  Instead of just heads and tails, there are multiple facets like a diamond or a crystal.

Acceptance seems to hinge on my willingness to trust that my Higher Power has it all covered, no matter what's going on.  Including those 2 young men and woman at the restaurant.  No matter who, what, where or how...the GOD of my understanding rules... Step 1...



 

"Yet"

Last night I went to Gattitown, a pizzeria with an entertainment playground.  One of my granddaughter's celebrated her 7th birthday and she was the center of attention as she blew out the birthday candles, opened her gifts and played so many of the games.
Today is my umbilical birthday.  I officially turn 58 years old.  Wow.  I never thought I'd live long enough to see me turn 58.  I don't dye my hair.  I truly marvel at each gray hair and every wrinkle.  I embrace the changes. Age is a privilege.  Not everybody gets to grow old.  I've buried many friends who didn't live long enough to become aged because they died so young.
I always hoped to grow old and become wise from my life's experiences.  There are some of us who just age and become old fools.  I feel grateful to know I have a choice on a daily basis on which one I get to be.  LOL

Not too long ago at a meeting there was an older woman who said she just couldn't really believe she was an  alcoholic.  Sure, once in a while she drank a little too much and her family was putting pressure on her to stop drinking but, really, she just didn't believe she had a problem with it, not like the rest of us.  My experience has been whenever I start thinking I'm "unique" and different from the rest I am headed for trouble because I am in denial.  That's how I know.  The thought that I could never be like that alcoholic, drug addict, pill head, controlling, domineering, compulsive, etc. is a red flag, a signal I am headed for danger.

What I need to remember is "Yet".  I haven't done that "yet".  I haven't reached that kind of bottom "yet".  I've heard addiction described as an elevator we enter on the top floor then as the addiction plays out we go down, down, down.  Hitting a bottom on the 10th floor, we get off.  We get back on.  Going down down, down.  At the very bottom is institutionalization or death.  We end up in hospitals, jails, prisons, insane asylums or in a casket.  

I stopped a thousand times but I couldn't stay stopped.  "When I stopped I never knew when I was going to start, and when I started I never knew when I was going to stop".  Each relapse dug deeper and deeper, taking me down more and more.  Until I came to the 12 Steps program I lived in hell and was on a one-way ticket to more and more of the same until the bitter end.

The 12 Steps save my life EVERY DAY.  I am so grateful for the multiple blessings my Higher Power showers me with every day.  I may not get everything I want but I do get everything I need.  And it does get better compared to when I first entered the program.  In OA there is a saying, "Food never really made me happy but it made me think I was going to BE happy in about 15 minutes."  I substituted people, places and things where what I really needed was my Higher Power.  As a result of working the Steps, I am connected and stay connected.  One day at a time.  It does get better....happy, joyous and free...as we trudge on the Road to Happy Destiny.