Neglect vs. Self-esteem

Well, another part of the assignment this week from my Alanon sponsor is to look up the word "self-esteem" in the dictionary.

World English Dictionary

self-esteem
— n
1.	respect for or a favorable opinion of oneself
2.	an unduly high opinion of oneself; vanity

When I was 11 years old and called Child Welfare, they removed us from a serious, dangerous situation.  At that time, we were legally and technically labeled as "dependent and neglected".  I felt horribly guilty for having to make that call.  Like it was all my fault.  Like I did something wrong.  Like I was a mean, ugly, terrible child.  A traitor.  Disloyal.  Vengeful.  Arrogant.  Ruthless to take children away from their family and natural habitat, their city, their roots.

I internalized the anger, the hurt, and the pain of being "dependent and neglected".  I internalized the learned doubt of worth.  That I must be unworthy in some way to have deserved being unkempt, neglected, and abandoned by parents, extended family members, our neighborhood, our city.  I thought like a child who whole-heartedly took the blame, the responsibility.

Now I realize somewhere deep inside me must be an incredible kernel of truth, an integrity at the core of my being that knows, celebrates, sings and dances I am a child of the Creator and I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and worth.  This is the me who rose up in the moment of truth, picking up the phone to call for help. I remember the fear, the terror, the despair, the anguish...hands trembling...and the determination to stop the mistreatment.  Incredible courage, perseverance and self-esteem.

I was taught to believe I wasn't good enough when I've known all along who I truly am is enough.  A child of GOD.  Loved, valued, adored.  Gifted with the breath of Life, to participate in this amazing dance of creation so exquisitely beautiful, so fleeting.

Dear Sweet That Which Is Greater than I, thank YOU for this precious moment in time and space.  Thank YOU for ears that hear the singing birds in their morning excitement.  Thank YOU for my loved and not-so-loved ones.  Thank YOU for the 12 Steps and 2 Traditions which help strengthen the bond between us all.  May I do YOUR Will, all to YOUR glory.  Love, Carol xoxox

Bullshit Sifter or Shifter?

Prior to coming to the 12 Steps program, I could do no wrong. I didn't have a problem. There wasn't anything wrong with me.  I was fine.  It was everybody else that there was something wrong with.  If only they would act, say, believe, feel the ways I thought they should...everything would be fine, hunky-dory.  If only they hadn't done this or that TO me or had done this or that FOR me, everything would've been fine.   OR I'd shift to the position...It was all my fault.  If only, I'd done this or that, or not done this or that.  Poor me.  Self-pity, guilt, blame and shame.

False pride driven by many forms of E.G.O. (Edging GOD Out) could twist and turn...make me look good, others look bad or make me look bad, others look good.  On and on.  This is the way I rolled.  Like I was god.  It was all about me, me, me.  Self-centered.

How I "fixed" situations was by maintaining illusions of control.  As if I knew what was best for everybody involved, doing all I could to contrive an end result mandated by my best visionary skills.  It actually kind of worked sometimes.  J-u-s-t enough to delude  myself that I had the P=o=w=e=r.  Just enough to sucker myself into obsessing, fixating on how others needed to behave so I could have life the way I wanted it to be.  The way it Should be.  The world according to Me.  The World of Me.

Since coming to the 12 Steps I've learned how to apply these simple principles to everyday life.  I no longer see people, places and things in the same way I used to.  Instead of me, it's we.  The program helps me see what's my part in things, how I am contributing to situations.  It helps me see the facts. It's the Bullshit Sifter instead of Bullshit Shifter.  I stop blaming others for what I am responsible for and I stop taking responsibility for what others are responsible.  I'm learning to say what I mean, mean what I say, without being mean.

Love and tolerance is our code, in  deed.  And we cease fighting everything and everybody.  Gradually it's become the way it Can be.  The world according to We.  The World of We.

Instead of "fixing" situations, the Steps take me through a process of shifting my perspective, of Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  I am no longer The Center of the Universe.  I am a participant.  Not the main event.  My Higher Power is.    I ask for help to see the way, the Path to Love.  The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.  Just for today.  I write the columns to work thru an inventory to clarify my role in what's shaking me up, etc.  It's definitely a journey...

Dear Lord God Almighty Creator, the One, the Source, thank YOU for the gift of Life.  Thank YOU for the opportunity to be here, a part of YOUR glorious creation as it unfolds, unfurls its majestic freedoms to live and Love in YOUR Kingdom.  Please help me do YOUR Will.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Learning---keep an open mind

Well, I met with my Alanon sponsor yesterday.  She said I use the Steps to "fix" everything.  My internal dialogue immediately started defensive chatter about how that's not true, I never do that, she's probably projecting her stuff on me, I better watch-out for myself, etc.  She said I really don't use my Steps.  My internal dialogue turned-up its volume.  While looking into her eyes, I went into "that place where that which is Greater than me is" and I went into prayer for assistance, "Dear Higher Power, show me the way.  As YOU Will."  The Shitty Committee shut-up.

I responded, "Maybe I haven't been describing, articulating to you in detail how I apply the Program.  I might need to describe in greater detail how I practice the Steps and Traditions."

She agreed.  So we talked, spent an hour together.  All went well.  My assignment this week is to stay on the first 3 Steps in preparation for the 4th Step and a couple of other things I wrote down so I won't forget.  I'm keeping an open mind about this process.

In the reading of literature adventures this morning I encountered some lovely nuggets of value, to store in my treasure chest of love:

As We Understood, p.152, "I held many things in my hands and lost them all, but whatever I placed in GOD's Hands, I still possess."

Courage to Change, p.118, "Anything and everything about me can be used for my good.  If I feel insecure or frightened today, I will remember that my fear is a signal that there is something for me to learn.  "It may not be the answer I want, but I have to remember that it may be what I need."-As We Understood""

Daily Reflections, p.127, "To acknowledge and respect the views, accomplishments and prerogatives of others and to accept being wrong shows me the way of humility.  To practice the principles of AA in all my affairs guides me to be responsible....To honor these precepts I need only to pray, and care for my fellow man as if each one were my brother."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, YOUR awesome power, grace, mercy and compassionate LOVE is amazing to behold.  Thank YOU for showing the way to YOU.  Thank YOU for all the blessings YOU shower on us all.  Please help me be of service to YOU and my spiritual sisters and brothers.  All to YOUR glory, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

That Place where that which is Greater than me Is

I read this morning in As We Understood, p.149-150, about a person who wanted to have a "spiritual experience with rushing and a bright light" but feared the only way to have one was to be in the depths of despair.  Apparently there were a couple of "near-misses" which just stirred fear and so shied away from the desire to experience one.  Then...

"Several years passed, and one night I was alone in a motel room lying on the bed.  I began to have a feeling of leaving my body.  I stayed right there, in the room, but I was just thoughts with no body.  I began a dialogue, silently, with someone or something not myself.  I have no idea of its gender, tone, or shape, but the voice was clear and spoke in English.  I felt clean and cool.  I communicated my concerns silently, and we discussed each in turn.  No matter what degree of seriousness I placed on individual concerns, each was treated equally.

The end result of each discussion was that everything would work out; no matter what trouble I thought I had, it really wasn't trouble.  It was just a passage of time, with no good or bad value placed on it.  I could see that my life was all right, that I didn't have to plan beyond any event and that each incident in life is important.  The present is what matters.  Then, right after my thoughts returned to my body, I felt I could transcend everyday upsets from now on and live with the same spiritual tranquility I had been experiencing.  To do this, all I had to do is believe as I did then:  that every event in my life, no matter what importance I placed upon it, is spiritual, as is my mind.  I experienced a great freedom.  There was no fear, no concern, no tenseness, just a tranquil mental and emotional calm, a peaceful expectancy of existence."

Anyway, I l-o-v-e the description of this person's experience!  This remind's me of Victor Frankel who was a Jewish psychiatrist and lived in a concentration camp during the Holocaust.  He seemed to describe the same phenomena experienced by those who survived...

In my everyday life, this is kind of where I go at will...I experience this space similar in that it exists inside of me but outside and outside of me but inside at the same time.  I call it "That Place where that which is Greater than me is".  It's so subtle but obviously different, kind of like winking your eyes back and forth.  You can still "see" but there is a difference.

I go there to connect, plug-in.  That's exactly what the Steps do for me.  Plug me in.  They take me there.  As a result...

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, YOU're awesomely wonderful and the works of YOUR Hands so movingly great.  Thank YOU for the precious gift of Life and thank YOU for the opportunities YOU give us all to be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

a quiet morning...

Well, this morning is a s-l-o-w go.  The neighborhood owl performed its usual hooting song, an occasional bird chirps and otherwise it's a very quiet, sedate time.  I'm grateful for this.

 I had an opportunity to see my daughter yesterday as well as her husband, sister-in-law and their childhood friend.  Kewl.  They're all lovely to see and she appears to be very happy.  Yeah!

Dear Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU for this moment in time.  May I do YOUR Will as I go forth this day.  Love, Carol xoxox

Exquisitely Simple

What an honor and privilege to be here today.  Life is so swift, fleeting, here today and gone tomorrow.  How will I spend each precious moment of this amazing gift? The present of this moment?

I read the literature this morning and what kept repeatedly showing up was the 3 A's.

1. Awareness
2. Acceptance
3. Action

No longer one of the Living Dead, my responsibility first of all is to stay awake, alive, aware to stay connected to The Source, the Energy, the whatever you want to call the Higher Power.  Accept the truth is I need help.  I cannot do Life alone.  Action on some simple Steps to stay plugged-in to that which is Greater than us all...The  Creator.

Exquisitely simple and hard as heck to do for this complicating, analyzing, need-to-know personality.  Discipline, on a daily basis in practice and using those spiritual muscles.  Build the strength, wisdom, courage, willingness, honesty, open mind and heart.  Jeesh.

Dear That Which is Greater Than Us All, thank YOU for the gifts of Life.  Thank YOU for each breath.  Please help me to use it wisely and lovingly.   May I be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Turning Stumbling Blocks into Stepping Stones

What an exciting time we all live in!  What an incredible privilege to be here today and opportunity to participate in the co-creation of our world.  Also, what a responsibility.

You know, I have a Life mission:  To change my world.  The plan of action:  By letting my Higher Power change me.  

If I could change me I would have done it a l-o-n-g time ago.  I certainly tried over and over but failed.  It's when I learned how to use the tools of the program and practiced daily and diligently using them that I truly started to change.  And my world is changing, too.  

The willingness to be honest, keep an open mind and heart, acceptance of my proper function in Life, stay on purpose, becomes easier and simpler each day.  Practicing, using the simple principles of the program is today's highest goal.

Also, every time those old ways of being rear their ugly, brutal heads of selfish self-centered wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony is another wonderful opportunity to use the Steps which lead every time from the prison of Self to the freedom of Spirit.  Just like that.  The more I do the work, the stronger the spiritual muscles and the quicker I'm F-R-E-E.  

What used to be perceived as stumbling blocks to spiritual recovery are actually stepping stones because they lead exactly where I really want to be...on the higher road to the Higher Power.  

Dear Higher Power I choose to call "GOD", thank YOU for all the wonders of this world.  The majesty of the mountains, the exquisite beauty of a free bird in flight, and the joyful sounds of spring.  Thank YOU for the peace of YOUR love, the golden silence of this moment, and the sweet promise of YOUR Presence in Life.  I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the willingness to Accept and TO DO IT.  Love, Carol xoxox

  

Strange Mental Blank

Overcoming the urge is the topic in Day by Day.  "Think the Drink, Ponder the Pill, Figure the Fix." I add...Consider the Control. To stay away from the first drink, pill, fix (of dope or sex or donut or taco, etc), the temptation to control, take back the reins.  That sometimes I have no mental defense against the first one.

How true this is!  In that moment, I want what I want...right now.  Like a little child that hasn't learned self-restraint, delayed gratification, damn the consequences.  LOL

What do I say or do to overcome this urge, craving, fixation, obsession?

"Think it through, to its logical conclusion.  For us it can mean nothing but wreckage and despair.  And with such thought to the consequences, we will gain the courage to turn the urge away."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD, YOU're The One, The Source, The Creator.  Thank YOU for all the opportunities YOU provide for spiritual edification and growth.  Thank YOU for the multiple gifts of YOUR blessings YOU shower on us all.  I put my dear friend Phillip in YOUR awesome loving, healing, compassionate Hands.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The 3 Sins of Anger

Yesterday I volunteered to engage in a "discussion" with my partner in life.  The night before Sho told me some stuff while he was under the influence of alcohol.   I did not react or engage in the one-sided conversation he had at that time.  I listened and withdrew as soon as I could.  Although I knew he was in an altered state due to the alcohol chemical I  do believe alcohol removed any barriers he might have felt to express uninhibitedly whatever he thought without sensitivity or consideration of how I felt hearing his point of view. I still fixated, obsessed and grieved all night long.

What I feared was how could I tell him my point of view without going to war that takes no hostages?  This is where I  pulled out the Steps.

Step 1...I'm powerless over alcohol and what it does to Sho.  I'm powerless over his attitudes.  I'm powerless over his inappropriate timing to talk crap to me and how he talks it.  My life becomes unmanageable when I get "crazy" in reaction...my thoughts and emotions tailspin, fixate, obsess on the "3 sins of anger:  retaliation, revenge, and resentment."  (Day by Day, January 8).  Step 2...I am NOT the one running this show.  There is a Higher Power, a Director, Universal Spirit that can take care of all this topsy-turvy existence and experience.  Who's large and in charge?  It can restore me to sanity so I'm not crazily reacting in response to every thought and feeling that crosses my being.  Step 3...Dear GOD of my understanding that holds the Universe in place...please...take me, my will, my life into YOUR care, YOUR guidance and support that I may do YOUR Will.  I sincerely do trust that YOU have it all covered, no matter what.  Step 4...write my columns...(who), (what they did), (affected my esteem, finances, ambitions, security, and/or personal relations?), (what's my part in it?) and last but not least (What is the ideal?). Step 5...Talk to GOD and another human being about the exact nature of my wrongs.  I'm selfish and self-centered most of the time.  Step 6...

The next morning, I was ready.  I told Sho exactly how I felt as the tears flowed down my face.  I grieved in front of him instead of privately, politely and shrouded in false pride socially withdrawn in my room.  I told him how I felt was not his fault, that he's a good guy, I admire him.  I told him he's not to blame.  I expressed all myself, itemized the list of anxieties I'm feeling---not because of him---and listed what I'm up to.  I opened up, contained my material, owned it without attacking him or anything about him.  And I told him when he said what he did the night before it was just one more thing to pile on my stuff...like Joe Pespi in the movie, "My Cousin Vinny".

He heard me.  So we talked and listened.  Both of us.  Not just me.  And healed our relationship.  One more time.

Dear Sweet Lord Almighty Creator GOD, thank YOU for it all, one moment at a time.   Thank YOU for the sweet showers of blessings YOU bestow upon us all, loved and not-so-loved.  YOU'RE AWESOME!  Love, Carol xoxox

Extending the Peace Branch

My Internet connection was down yesterday so I wasn't able to blog.  Missed blogging.  :-(

 My ego insists I fail at blogging whenever I miss a day.  It's not "perfect" because everyday is not written.  Really?  No.  It's not about perfection...it's about progress.

Today is anew beginning.   Anyway, I met with my Alanon sponsor yesterday and we both took turns reading from Paths to Recovery Step 3 and my assignment this week is to practice Steps 1, 2, 3 diligently.  I want to tell her I do this anyway...but no, I must be willing to follow direction.  So guess what I'll be doing this week?   One, two, three...one, two, three...one, two, three...

I read today...

Daily Reflections, "Fear blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity."  Yep.  That two sided coin of reality for me is on one side---Love---the other side---fear.    The question for this moment is: Which side do I choose to focus on?

Day by Day, "What we see in others is only a reflection of what is within ourselves.  When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love."  Wow.   That old "You spot it, you got it" shows up again!  There are no coincidences...truth is, I need to remember this.  Especially whenever I'm thinking or saying, "He's ___"  or "She's ___".   It's not really about them.  It's all about me and my need to judge, or criticize or put down so I can feel or think better about myself at the cost of someone else. Jeesh.

One Day at a Time, "two roadblocks...:  self-justification and self-righteousness.  The first gives a grim certainty that I'm always right; the second smothers me in the delusion that I'm better than other people---"holier than thou."  ...effective magic in helping us overcome the damage due to  self-justification and self-righteousness:  Examine your motives.  What answers would I give if I stop in the middle of such rationalizing and ask myself:  "Why am I doing this?  Is this justification really honest?  Are these rational reasons for my action?"

Courage to Change, "I will pray to let go of my own rigidity that I might see the beauty of unity in diversity."

Hope for Today, "Today I'll allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say.  "...I took another step toward maturity as I continue to recover from my illness of not listening." Forum Favorites, Vol.4, p.11  Wow.  I really l-o-v-e this description of the illness!  How many times am I busy thinking about what I'm going to say and completely ignore, neglect, discount what someone else is saying?  Not listening...the opposite is LISTENING with all of me...attentive

I didn't go to my nephew's wedding yesterday.  Totally forgot.  If I don't write it down, put it on my cellphone, etc.  I "forget".  I must call and arrange to make amends.  How can I set this right?  I don't know.  I'll ask them both and wait to hear the answer.  "Let it begin with me, in deed
...I must extend the peace branch...

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU so much for the beauty of each unfolding moment of YOUR Creation and thank YOU for the opportunities YOU provide us all to participate in.  How majestic are YOUR works and divinely mysterious YOUR ways.  Please. Lord, keep shining the Love Light on this path to help see the way of service to do YOUR Will, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Let Go, Let Go, Let Go

I read this morning in Alanon's Hope for Today, p. 110 about "began to look at myself as having "arthritis of the personality", requiring patient continuous care to keep me from "stiffening" into old habits and attitudes".

Old habits of trying to control, dominate, judge, condemn, criticize, gossip, rabble-rebel leader, put-down, manipulate, dishonest, reject, abandon, separate, isolate, withdraw, kill-off others at the expense of me.  Everything I ever said or did to withhold love from others, withheld love from me.  I held in clenched hands close to my chest all the hurts, guilt, resentments, fears, shame, despair, and suffering "in secret" martyrdom, my secret self-pity.  Jeesh.

It's been very difficult for me to let go.  To trust.  To trust there really is a true bonafide Higher Power that truly loves, cherishes, adores, treasures me.  That the love from my Creator shines on us all.  Unconditionally.  I don't have to "earn" it.  I only need receive it, accept it and do my part to stay the heck out of the way.

It's said humility is the common, underlying principle of all the Steps.  I do believe it.  What's my rightful place in the whole Universe?  I must remember to stay humble.  The Higher Power has it all covered.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of the Multiverses of Existences, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU provide for spiritual growth.  Without YOU, I am nothing.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life and the blessings YOU shower on our growing, budding spirits.  May we bask in YOUR love and to YOUR glory.  Love, Carol xoxox

Then and Now

I went to pick up Elvis last night after work and he looked l-o-v-e-l-y!  Wow!  His snappers are gleaming white, his nails clipped, quite dazzling...BUT he was not very happy about all he went through.  He was still woozy from the effects of the anesthesia and he complained about it all the way home.  Plus he did not wake me up all hours of the night!  He's much better this morning and I'm grateful.  When I was a child I NEVER heard about a dog going to get an annual, dental work, etc.  Actually, even for any of us children to go see a doctor was a very big deal, avoided at all cost.  Something had to be desperately wrong.

Most physical, mental, medical, etc. problems were either denied, minimized, rationalized.  My mom swore by BC powder, my dad by Mycitracin (a forerunner of Neosporin) and any other ills the local curandera would advise on how to proceed or perhaps a quick visit to a neighborhood store, El Porvenir, where a vast assortment of salves, perfumes, tonics, spices and exotic cures were available.  The smells of pan dulce more than wafted, they dominated.  The perfect freshly baked yellow cakes with pink icing, empanadas with apple, pineapple or pumpkin fillings, multicolored sugar cookies, and pig shaped gingerbread. Even the ceiling was full of merchandise like festive colored pinatas, long streamers of crepe paper that a large electric fan blew into a slow dance of peace and in the background a radio softly playing songs of Tejano music.  Quite an experience.

Now, in these times, prevention and wellness checks are a big part of self-care.  No pinatas swinging at the doctor's office and no music either.  Clinical sterility.  Any form of entertainment is provided by moi when I take the Kindle or listen to mp3s on the cellphone, except for maybe magazines.  I'm merely pointing out how different it is today.  It's not bad, just different.

Working the 12 Step program is different than having no program.  Whereas my life had become a black and white motif of nothing changes if nothing changes it all changed when I arrived into these rooms.  When I came to the 12 Steps, went to meetings, practiced these principles (H.O.W.) in all my affairs, prayed and meditated, connected to my Higher Power to start or re-start the day, read the literature, reached out to others, etc. my life changed into a brilliantly colorful array of infinite possibilities.  Quite an experience to know the difference.  For the grace of GOD I'm deeply grateful.

Dear Sweet Higher Power, thank YOU for all.  Please help me stay in the Sunlight of YOUR Spirit and to be of service to YOU and YOUR Creation.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Going Good

Well, I left early this morning to drop off Elvis at the veterinarian because he gets his teeth cleaned today.  Jeesh.  The times we live in.

Every thing is going smooth...so far, so going good.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the beauty of YOUR works.  Please help me remember to do YOUR will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Usefulness

Yesterday I listened to Sue Drum talk about how to work Step 7.  Powerful.

  Sue talking about Step 7

Whatever challenge, shortcoming, character defect (or whatever you want to call it) I have blocking me from the Sunlight of the Spirit...I turn it over to my Higher Power then I do the opposite of the defect.  I go into action by doing the opposite.  I won't be able to "think" my way out of it.  I must go into action.  I must act my way out.  Do differently.  Kewl.

My nickname is Turtle for a reason.  I'm s-l-o-w.  Jeesh.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator Almighty, how incredibly amazing YOU are.  The works of YOUR Hands show the evidence of YOUR Power, Beauty and Grace.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life YOU bestow upon us all.  Each moment so brief yet exquisitely eternal in YOUR Presence.  Thank YOU for it all.  Lord, please help me keep my eyes on YOU and to
be of service to YOU and all my brothers and sisters in the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

Service...a 6 letter word with hundreds of opportunities

I told my Alanon sponsor I see myself as a mother pelican regurgitating all the spiritual food I gather from the literature, meetings, etc.  Hey, this is an improvement.  From such low self-esteem chained to negativity that I had nothing to offer anyone to the happiness of freedom in believing I have something beneficial to give, to pass on to others is a huge leap.  Yeah!  I'm being of service!

***Busy doing a spiritual dance, hips swinging side to side, lifting face up, hands waving to the wind, singing with raised voice,  thanking the Higher Power***...all in my head.  :-) LOL

Anyway, I've heard that being of service is different for everybody.  Some people like to do service  work by public speaking, or working as a board member, trustees, or sponsoring 20 people at the same time or 1 at a time, or helping with the literature, sweeping the floor, wiping tables, setting up the chairs, etc.  It's all good.  Whatever we do to help is important.  We're all parts of the whole, the unity.  

Dear Higher Power, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU provide for service.  I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom, and the willingness to ACCEPT and TO DO IT.  Love, Carol xoxox  

Opening to let the Light Shine in...all on GOD's Time

I'm grateful to be one of the lucky ones who made it to the rooms of the 12 Steps...many are those in the dark who seek but never find it because the mind is shut tight to let nothing out so nothing can come in either...not a bit of light.

Recovery is not for everybody.  It's not for those who need recovery.  It's for those who want it.  A desire so strong, so desperate that we become willing to go to any lengths for relief.

Gottawanna.  Yep.

Sher passed on to me some new stuff yesterday.  I told her I collect things I hear or read about the program.

The "ism" of this illness:

• Inner Spiritual Malady
• I, Self, Me. 
• I Sponsor Myself.
• Incredible Short Memory

Also, how the Steps are to help us from committing suicide in killing ourselves, the Traditions from committing homicide in killing others, and the Concepts from committing genocide in killing off the groups.

Dear Sweet GOD Creator of It All, thank YOU for this moment in time where I have the privilege to breathe in YOUR love, care, provision, compassion, mercy, grace and power.  One breath at a time into my daily life.  Thank YOU for the wonder of this all.  YOU RULE!  Whoopie!  Love, Carol xoxox

Detachment with Love

Wow.  Talk about humbling.  The readings this morning took me on a wild journey of epiphanies, harrowing adventures of wows, etc!  This stuff excites me.  I'm thrilled to discover these golden nuggets of wisdom embedded in the literature and absolutely l-o-v-e to pass it on!

In Day by Day it talked about how "all of us have two stages that we perform on.  One stage is public---what we do and what we say.  The other stage is private---what we think and what we rehearse in our minds to do on the public stage...To keep growing and building our character, we need to rehearse kindness, patience and love.  We need to rehearse GOD consciousness in our lives."

In Daily Reflections, "Self-pity is one of the most unhappy and consuming defects that we know.  It is a bar to all spiritual progress and cut-off all effective communication with our fellows because of its inordinate demands for attention and sympathy.  It is a maudlin form of martyrdom, which we can ill afford." A quote from As Bill Sees It, p.238

One Day at a Time in Alanon, "I pray to be relieved of the compulsion to worry about the past, and that I may not let my pessimism paint black pictures of what may happen tomorrow."

Hope for Today, "Choosing love means I stay away from physically, emotionally, or spiritually unhealthy situations.  I no longer accept unacceptable behavior.  I love myself and care about myself enough to walk away from hurtful people and relationships.  I look at my part in situations, own my mistakes, and change my behavior.  Choosing love means I accept and embrace my humanity and that of others.  Then, with my Higher Power's help, I can see defects and weaknesses with compassion, which brings me release, joy, and serenity."

Courage to Change, "The highest form of wisdom is kindness." quote from The Talmud

Alanon 12 &12, p. 80, "forgive a hurt rather than hold a grudge".

My favorite...In all our affairs, p.73, "Detachment with love sometimes means loving ourselves enough to suspend blame, fear, guilt, and self-pity long enough to separate the problem from ourselves, until we can clarify our options and responsibilities, identify how we are contributing to the problem, and let go of the rest."  "Some of us spend hours cataloging injustices and have endless conversations with people who aren't there.  Or we turn on ourselves, attacking with such weapons as shame, guilt, self-hatred, and doubt." "Our thoughts lead us to believe that we are not good enough, that our circumstances aren't good enough, that we don't have enough and don't do enough, and that we are victims without reason to hope.  Even after years of recovery, we may badger ourselves..."  In the long run, however, many of us found that whether the finger points at us or someone else, whenever we attack, we lose."  "Negative thoughts can divert us from working on ourselves, our true feelings, and our responsibilities.  In time, these thoughts can be as destructive for us as alcohol is for the alcoholic."

omg.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, wow, wow, wow!  YOU're a-w-e-s-o-m-e!  Thank YOU.  Lord, please help me to be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.
 Love, Carol xoxox

Denial or In Reality

This morning, while flipping the pages of my diary to a blank page to journal on, I saw a line that really stood out. It said, "I feared everything but used my denial to fear nothing." Denial was a tool I used and it served a purpose all along. It was a survival mechanism that did exactly what it's designed to do...help me survive.  The thing is I took it to another level. It became my main tool.   It became my way of being in relationships with GOD, myself, others, love, time, food, money, ambition, the world, etc.  You name it.

In today's readings the word "surrender" and "acceptance" showed up many times. The process of recovery has been, for me, letting go of "denial" and learning to use different tools to live Life on Life's terms.  In reality.

Reality, for me today, is acceptance of the truth and the truth is GOD has EVERYTHING covered and all I absolutely must do is surrender my will unto GOD.  Then ask for guidance and support that I do the next right thing...according to GOD's Will.

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Highest Power, please help me remember YOUR Will comes first, above all,
no matter what.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

 

A Daily Commitment to Recovery

Today Elvis gets his vaccinations, etc.  It's a responsibility to have a dog and he requires maintenance, too.

Anyway, spiritual recovery requires daily maintenance---to do the work.  I don't know what, why, how, where the spiral down again
into the abyss happened.  It was so gradual, subtle, cunning, powerful.  That first Alanon meeting in February 2006 was the wake-up call.   It had a strong emotional impact.  Like a feral cat submitting to a water bath.  It felt extremely uncomfortable, alien, against my "instincts", what I knew.  I thought AA would've, could've, should've been the end-all solution to all my insanity...it wasn't for me, apparently.

Even worse was going to Spanish Alanon and finding even deeper levels of healing needed.  Jeesh.

It's been one heck of a process ever since.  Like being stretched here and there.  W-O-N-K-Y indeed.  Talk about humbling.

Well, let me tell you, I am f-a-r from being any kind of expert, guru, leader of recovery.  I am just another ordinary, run-of-the-mill, garden variety type human being living with the human condition.  I've said it before that just being a human being is a diagnosis, imo.  LOL Then add on living with the illness of alcoholism, etc.  Yep.

"Alcoholics Anonymous", p.85,  "What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done."

Dear Higher Power, YOU're awesome.  Please help me be of service to YOU and YOUR children.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Zombies...the Walking Dead

Well, I drove my car home last night.  Thank GOD for GOD, my son, Sho, my job and GOD.  Jeesh.  Couldn't have done it without them.  Now I have a way to my meetings, work, etc.

What a relief.  Last night I arrived home and went to sleep.  Felt exhausted.  As if I'd been in a huge battle. Wow.  The high levels of stress, anxiety, uncertainty had wound tighter and tighter.  That's when working the program becomes ever more necessary...

Today the word "miracle" appeared over and over again in this morning's readings.  It's ALL a miracle.  Wow.

A foggy morning at Port Lavaca

You know, in my arrogant self this-and-that delusional thinking, I notice one more time how off-track I can get. One thought leads to another until I'm right back where I used to be...in the Director's chair. It still doesn't work any better now than what it did then.  Jeesh.

What is my truth?  Truth is I am a recovered alcoholic, recovered from a seemingly hopeless compulsive need to drink alcohol.  It's been removed. Poof.  Gone.  The compulsion is gone as long as I don't take that first drink.

Before I ever took a drink of alcohol, I was an untreated Alanon...a family member or friend of a present or absent alcoholic.  I've been affected by someone else's dis-ease.  Jeesh.

I hear over and over about people's fascination with zombies...the walking dead.  And remember the movie The Sixth Sense where the little boy says, "I see dead people."?  And Luke 9:60Jesus said unto him, Let the dead bury their dead...

I believe that is the spiritual malady in its full blown symptomology.  The walking dead.

Recovery is to be risen from the dead.  To embrace Life, Love, Happiness...plug-in to the Higher Power.  Wake up. Wake up.  Wake up.

To wake up I must be willing to go to any lengths...am I truly willing?

"On awakening..." p.86, "Alcoholics Anonymous".

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the gift of Life YOU bestow on all of us who are here.  Thank YOU for all the blessings YOU bestow upon us, the loved and not-so-loved.  YOUR Will be done.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Thorns have Roses

Well, the car loan is approved.  Jeesh.  I needed to find my Social Security card which I had hid away last year.  This whole adventure has been off the chart in emotional, mental, and physical efforts to get it done!  Wow.  I found the card last night about 8:30pm. Jeesh.

On Day at a time in Alanon, p.100, "Thank YOU, GOD, I can now see the thorns have roses."

In my search I found some pretty cool things from the past.  One of them is a (old, dated before I remember ever meeting him) letter from my therapist to another therapist who I l-o-v-e.  Now, I guess I love them both.  Wow.  Birth certificates.  Diplomas.  Kewl.

Dear Heavenly Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU so much for the wonderful, marvelous, beautiful blessings YOU bestow upon us all.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life and the multiple opportunities YOU give us to embrace, celebrate and rejoice in YOUR Love, Compassion, Mercy, Provision, Protection and Grace.  As YOU Will, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

Willing to go to any lengths?

Well, one of my sons is coming over today to work on the clutch.  Will this help Hunter?  I don't know.  I'm in a big "I don't know" stage.  What do I do????

Do I have the desire to change or just get by and stay the same?  Am I willing to go to any lengths?

"you really don't need to want what we have right away. For now, it's enough that you don't want what you have, and that you're ready to go to any lengths to get rid of it! "...from Sober.org

Dear Higher Power, as YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Wonky Feelings and Thoughts

I awaken to how sad I feel then I notice the reason my feelings are so wonky is because of my wonky thinking which seems so natural, acceptable but it really isn't.

Here's what I wrote verbatim in my journal this morning, after salutations to my Higher Power which I choose to call "GOD".

Well, Lord, the car dealership never called me yesterday to give notice if the car loan went through or not.  So I guess it didn't.  I feel sooo sad.  The thoughts that attack are:

• I'm stupid---look how other people have "good" credit and can get what they want when they want it, but not me.
• I'm worthless---look how other people are worthy of the fruits of their labor, but not me.
• I'll never get better or do better, I'm a lost cause, always have been.  I was born that way.  That's what I know and no matter what, will never be able to change, not me, everybody else can---but not me.
• I'm a loser.  That's my destiny because I'm genetically programmed to be a loser.  I come from a long list of "losers".  I can't beat or change that fact.  Other people can, but not me.
• I'm a failure.  Why try?  I'll never amount to anything.  If I haven't by now, at this age, I'll never amount to anything.  Other people can, but not me.
• I'm a victim of life's circumstances.  If that guy hadn't wrecked into Hunter last year I don't believe I'd be in this situation right now.  There's nothing I can do about him, the wreck or anything else.  I can't change the facts.  He did what he did, lied about it, so I have to struggle along, hire attorneys, take him to court, prove my case and in the meantime pick up the pieces and get by the best I can until it's resolved.
• Self-centered.  Wow.
• Self-pity---the morass.
• Resentments.

The illness looms large.  Like a tailspin or a skid.  Jeesh.

The beauty of the readings this morning touched me deeply, profoundly.

• In All Our Affairs, p. 67, "when the alcoholic behavior resurfaces, I feel my old fear of losing my mind return.  That's when I know I have to double-up on whatever I'm doing in the program---and fast."
• Alanons 12 & 12, p.68, "But the pendulum swung so far in the other direction that not only was I unreasonable, many times I was cutting off my nose to spite my face."
• As We Understood, p.112, "For the first time in my life, I do not worry.  I know GOD is with me always.  I feel *GOD's* (*in text it says "His") Presence every minute of the day.  I know that whatever happens in my life, I will be okay."
• Courage To Change, p.98, "I give thanks for the ways my Higher Power finds to cut my pretensions down to size.  When I can laugh a little, I feel less afraid."
• Hope For Today, p.98, "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It gives me something to do, but gets me nowhere."
• Day By Day, April 7, "We must pray, meditate, listen and believe.  Have I turned it over?"

Dear Heavenly Almighty GOD of All Creation, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower on us all.  YOU are The ONE, The Source, The Undisputed Champion of the Universes.  I turn my life and will over to YOUR care, love, support, compassion, power and vision.  May I do YOUR Will and be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit as we trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.  Love, Carol xoxox
P.S.  Thank YOU for the literature.  It really helps me to change perspective, the directions of thoughts.  Thank YOU again and again.

Not my will...GOD's WILL

When I listen to Layla (yesterday's blog) I feel hopeful, invigorated, and inspired to stretch, grow.  The levels of potentiality are awesome in the program of recovery.

My son took me yesterday to a couple of dealerships to look at several cars.  I struggle with this process.  I don't like buying on credit, owing for something.  I want to buy it outright.  Jeesh.  My reality dictates what I can and cannot do, one more time.  I did call my sponsor last night and we talked about this.  Lord, I put this all in YOUR awesome, healing hands.  As YOU will.

Still everything depends on my Willingness to be Honest and keeping an Open mind.  That old HOW.

Dear Higher Power, As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

R.I.P. Hunter

You know, I can say whatever I want about whatever but the truth is, life still happens.

Hunter has given, given, given until there's nothing else to give.  Thank you, Hunter.  You've been a great car to have.  I really appreciate all your efforts in my adventures to and fro.  I will surely miss you.

Yep.  Feeling pretty sorry for myself.  I've been hobbling along ever since that accident on July 31st last year.  It cost a lot more to fix the car than the value of the car.  Totaled.  Jeesh.

Anyway, I think I'll give me a few more minutes...5 to be precise...to wallow in self-pity, resentment, etc.  Then do the work.  Call my Alanon sponsor, say Serenity prayer, work the Steps.

Before I forget...if you have a moment I hope you will take the time to listen to Layla...very powerful Cocaine Anonymous speaker.  Now, I personally have never tried cocaine.  The thing is it's important to keep an open mind.  Maybe, just maybe, she has something to say that will help us all on the road to recovery...no matter what   fellowship because the solution is the same.

Layla

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower on us all.  What a privilege YOU bestow, what a miracle to be here.  Please guide and support us as we go forth on this day.  All glory to YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Pendulum of the Dis---Ease

This morning I read in Daily Reflections, "This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable , abnormal craving for self-approval and success in the eyes of the world.  Still a child, he cries for the moon, and the moon, it seems, won't have him!" LANGUAGE OF THE HEART, p.102

Seeking the middle of balance rather than swinging back and forth or up and down, I can relate to the "vacillate between feeling totally invisible and believing I was the center of the Universe."  This reminds me of the "struggle to the top of  the heap or hide underneath it."  AA 12 STEPS AND 12 TRADITIONS, p.53

The process of recovery in working the Steps helps me so much in growing up in the places where I got stunted, stuck.  Where distorted, lop-sided, wonky inferiority perception is magnified, looming large or barely minutely noticeable, by immature sensitivity.  Misguided, using binoculars when all that is truly needed is a new pair of glasses.  The Steps are those glasses.  They help me see.  They correct my vision.  They clear the fog.  Now I can see the path, the road I'm on.  Am I heading to quicksand, a perilous drop-off or do I choose another way?  I've learned the softer, easier way is to work the Steps because they lead EVERY TIME, guaranteed, to exactly where I need to be...close to my Higher Power.

Dear THOU Which Rules the Multiverses of What Was-Is-Will Be and Might Be, I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  O Creator, YOU move me with the awesome wonder of YOUR love, compassion, power and grace.  Thank YOU for YOU.  Without YOU I am nothing.  YOU are The One, The Source, The Mostest.  Thank YOU for this breath I take and for the opportunity to be of service to do YOUR Will just for today.  All glory to YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

All on GOD's Time

Well, yesterday my laptop went on a blitz and no matter what I did it wouldn't work so I finally removed the battery and left it alone.  This morning I inserted the battery  and it is working just fine...jeesh.  I kept trying to force it to work, to no avail.

It's like my recovery process.  I'm a gung-ho, gotta get it done, hurry up, push, push, push my growth but that way of doing things doesn't seem to work.  It's like getting a rosebud and trying to force it to open right now, no patience, time or tolerance.  Immediate gratification.  Because I want it right now...and my experience is this attitude doesn't work.  I'm trying...one more time...to play like I'm GOD, like I know what's best, like I am the judge, jury and executioner of love, life and liberty when in reality...GOD is the Director and running the whole show.  Thank GOD.  Every time I forget, guess what?  I get another chance to remember.  Let Go and Let GOD.  Easy Does It.  One Day at a Time.  Let it begin with me.  Keep the focus on me.  Live and Let Live.  First thing first.  On and on....

We're the lucky ones.  Those of us still here.  We get one more chance, another opportunity to fine-tune our spirituality, our connection and proper relationships with our Higher Power, ourselves, and each other.  Yeah!!!!!  The saying is, "Any day above ground is a good day."  We have the gift of Life.  May we embrace and share in the celebration, the exuberance of living in the moment, the here-and-now.  We...not "me, me, me".  LOL

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator of All, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are the Greatest, the Most Highest, Awesomest of All that Was-Is-Will Be-and Might Be.  Thank YOU for the gifts of Life YOU bestow on us all.  May we lift our sunflower hearts to face YOUR shining LOVE Light so we grow and blossom in the Spirit.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Laughter---a tool used to detach

Well, last week my buddy from many years told me to "lighten up" and to stop taking myself so seriously.  Because he said so, I listened to his perspective and honored his right to voice it.  This past weekend was just another amazing opportunity for me to grow in understanding and to take responsibility for my adulthood.

Sometimes it seems the whole world is so wonky...lopsided...then I straighten my eyeglasses and can see it from a perspective of clarity, awareness and acceptance.  Now it looks exactly as it should...hmmm.

Also, I read this morning that laughter is a tool which can be used to detach, give myself a break, a moment to relax and enjoy a moment in time and space...to refresh.  I remember reading a research study that reported people who smoke tend to be more productive at their jobs and the study revealed it was because they took breaks then returned to their tasks with a refreshed state of mind.

Well, I quit smoking almost 20 years ago and it's pretty unlikely I am willing to take that addiction on again.  I am, however, willing to take a "smoker's break" without smoking.  Maybe just take a few minutes to stop, pause, look at a flower, breathe in, exhale, feel the moment in time...

Dear Higher Power, today I feel deeply humbled by the vastness and incomprehensible majesty of YOUR awesome, beauteous, powerful healing love, protection, grace and shining, sparkling
truth.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow upon us all, the loved and the not-so-loved.  Just for today.  Thank YOU again and again.  Love, Carol xoxox