Button Pushing

I've graduated to a new level in my B.S. Jeesh. Yesterday as I drove on my way to work, alone in the car, I started talking with Sho. I told him how I felt, how I can't talk to him face-to-face because he shuts the door. I said how absurb it is we can't communicate to the point I am talking to air, venting my emotions, speaking my mind...practicing. Almost like voice warm-ups before a performance. I laughed and said maybe I'll keep this experience for a comedy skit, how the illness can present itself. So silly.

It's a new level because most of the time I'm in my head. "He's going to do this, say that, because of...and he thinks...what he r-e-a-l-l-y means is...and where this is all leading to...". The old way is that Stinking Thinking, as if I know or can predict, etc. When in reality, a lot of times I'm surprised to find-out it wasn't at all like I thought it was going to be. I "forget".

In my family, some of the well-developed skills of denying responsibility were saying things like: "I didn't know." "I forgot." "Nobody told me." "It wasn't me." "It's not my fault." "I wouldn't have done it but they made me do it.", etc. I wonder what are some other ones?

Anyway, one of the biggest challenges for me is communication. I like to think I communicate really well. I mean, I can really hammer a point when needed. Sometimes a bit overmuch, like using a sledgehammer to kill a roach. Othertimes, I struggle to say how I truly feel, or what I truly think. BUT maybe an even greater communication roadblock may be in "Listening".

I remember hearing that the best #1 parenting skill is to shut up and LISTEN. So I practiced and certainly improved compared to how I used to be! That was then, this is now. How am I doing now? Am I listening without judging,criticising, thinking of what I'm going to say next as soon as the other person shuts up? Or am I truly listening to each nuance, phrase, point, feeling, sentiment, or whatever the other person is trying to communicate?

Let it begin with me, indeed...

Discovering Choices, p.117, "crisis...opportunity for me to wake-up and become aware that I am responsible for all my emotions: anger, happiness, resentment, joy, fear---you name it. If I let others push my buttons...then I'd better not complain about feeling lousy."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU for the extraordinary gifts of Life YOU bestow upon us all who are here. Thank YOU for the beauty of the moment and the exquisite potentiality of each breath we take. YOU rule, Lord. Please help me be of service to YOU and to my spiritual sisters and brothers. Also, Lord, please help keep me from pushing other people's buttons and remind me to take care of my own buttons. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox