A new feeling

If I ever met anyone in my life who I doubted could ever succeed working the 12 Steps, have 20 years of not drinking alcohol in any form, nor taking sneaky pills, nor smoking marijuana, etc. it was me.  Hey, but for the grace...here I am.  What a partnership!  I do my part...get the heck out of the way so my Higher Power can do its part...then wow...here I am.  A true living miracle.  Wow...

I get to have a new feeling.  It's called relaxation.  Less stress and agitation.  I can b-r-e-a-t-h-e in GOD's love, grace, abundance...exhale fear, hate, negativity...one day at a time.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for YOUR patience with me.  YOUR gracious gifts bestowed upon me are wonderful, lovely to behold.  Thank YOU so much for the kindred spirits I continue to meet in the 12 Steps program.  May I do YOUR will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Do the Deal

At one semester, my nephew made terrible grades at school.  I mean, almost all of them were either D or F. Now, he is very intelligent, fast to learn something new and has excellent reading comprehension.  So I asked him what was going on?  He said, "Aunt Carol, I already know everything the teachers' are trying to teach me.  So what's the point in getting a grade?"  

I answered, "It's not so much what we know...it's what we do with what we know."

Recovery seems like that to me.  I can know all I want...but it's what I do with what I know that makes the biggest difference for me.  It's when I apply what I know, do the work, do the deal...then I am producing.  

Dear GOD, thank YOU for this day, this breath.  I pray only for knowledge of YOUR will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to Accept it and to Do it.  In Jesus Christ's name, I pray.  Amen.  Love, Carol xoxox

P P's galore and more

At last night's Alanon meeting, a woman threw out 18 p's...I wrote them down as she threw them out..

1. parents
2. personalities
3. perception
4. problem
5. pain
6. program
7. powerlessness
8. principles
9. principles before personalities
10. possibility
11. people-pleasing
12. perfectionism
13. preaching
14. perseverance
15. promises
16. prayer and meditation
17. pause
18. higher power

Wow.  I loved listening to her weave these words into the tapestry of recovery.  S-w-e-e-t.  I enjoy the effort of creativity, sharing, and experience she shared!  I'm glad I was there to hear it!  Yeah!

Anyway, on this journey I continue to embrace and enjoy the wonder of the unfolding, healing process of recovery. I am so grateful for my sponsors, sponsees, multiple blessings and opportunities of the 12 Steps/Traditions bestowed so freely.  Thank GOD.

Dear GOD, thank YOU so much for the abundance of blessings and gifts of the Spirit.  YOU truly are the Most, the Greatest, the Source, the One.  I'm very grateful and may I be willing to do YOUR will every day, all day.  One day at a time.  Love, Carol xoxox

Almost finished with Blueprint for Progress...

Well, technology is awesome...when it works like intended.  Jeesh.  I've been struggling with this computer because the Internet wouldn't function so I used the desktop BUT after so many troubleshooting events...I went ahead and restored this one to an earlier point (system restore) so can now use it for blogging.  Kewl.

I've been working on finishing the Blueprint for Progress Alanon 4th Step inventory and I'm just about through!  Yeah!  I just finished the Character Traits listing.  Wow...I've come a l-o-n-g way and still have quite a ways to go, obviously.  Hilarious. LOL

One day at a time...

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities for growth YOU provide in my life.  Thank YOU for the love, compassion, power and grace YOU provide to guide me through it all.  I am so grateful that recovery is not about perfection but is about progress.   I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Aging and a hairy chin

Well, I kept watching TV and inevitably I saw a commercial regarding unsightly, unwanted facial hair and how to remove it with an electronic hair burner.  Now, one of the things I never really had was a hairless body.  I'm one of those speciallly gifted with hairy legs, underarms, a slight mustache, etc.  As a young child I paid no mind to such things but as a teenager I felt riveted to ANY slight imperfection.  I mean, if I had a pimple on my butt check, I felt horrified and annihilated.  Jeesh.  So much shame.  I couldn't tell anyone about this.  No way.  I had to look good, avoid looking bad.

Now, fast forward to 58 years old and watching the changes my body is going through is pretty interesting.  Fuzzy hair accents on the sides of my facial chin, a heavier sprinkling of hair on my upper lip, a few rough, strong, wiry dark straggling hairs on my underchin, etc.  Oh, and before I forget, sideburns.  Jeesh.  Now, I tried plucking when there were 2 or 3 but now, forget it!  And shaving was not an option because I always heard this emphasized the unsightly hair growth.  So I bought the hair burner thing.

Now I get to walk around with burn marks where I get carried away or distracted.  Still not perfectly hairless but hey, it's not about perfection at this point.  LOL

Anyway, the whole point about this is I'm willing to try out different things and I'm keeping an open mind about this aging thing.  I do get it that aging is a privilege, not every one gets grow old.  So here I am.  And grateful.

And do get it that the 12 Steps are not for everybody who need the Steps.  The Steps are for those who want them.  And also, there are many paths leading to the same place.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the priceless gift of Life and the privilege to be here long enough to age on the Earthplane.  Thank YOU for YOU, me and families.  May I do YOUR will and be of service to YOUR children.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Daily Practicing the Steps

Over and over I encounter the idea that it's not enough to read about the 12 Steps or go to meetings or have a sponsor, etc.  I must practice the Steps.  Work them.  Just do it.  LOL

HOW...by practicing H.onesty, O.pen-mindedness and W.illingness. 

The thing is that DENIAL is so prevalent in how my eyes see GOD, myself and others.

D.on't

E.ven

N.otice

I.

A.m

L.ying

I don't even see it for what it truly is...until I use the Bullsh*t Sifter.  The 12 Steps.

Dear GOD, please help me live this day according to YOUR will and for me to stay in the present moment, to cease fighting everything and everybody, to work the Steps to the best of my ability, and to practice the code of love and tolerance with myself and every body else.  Just for today.  Love, Carol xoxox

Whew and the 5 G's

Well, I felt so happy, proud of myself for troubleshooting the computer and keyboard problem only to find the same problem crop up again...grrr.  The same beep sounded and Windows didn't come on.  Jeesh.  Just when I thought everything was fine.  What came up for me at the failure of the system to work was I didn't know what the problem could be.  I'd bought a new wireless Logitec keyboard and mouse.  It all worked.  Now suddenly again, same problem....was it the motherboard going out????  Emotionally and mentally I felt blocked.  Angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated, powerless, annoyed, aggravated, irritable, etc.  I put all that negative self-talk on hold and went to do other things. I walked away from the situation until I felt neutral, curious and available with plenty of time to explore the problem and find a solution.  Apparently the new keyboard has an "on/off" button and it had been toggled "off".  Jeesh.  Who knew?????  Anyway, problem solved and I'm back on-line.  Yeah!

What fascinates me is how quick I am to ruthlessly attack myself and others in my mind!  Wow!  I read today in one of the meditation books where it says something like, "I asked GOD to give me grace for some space between impulse and action."  Yep.  It's like that.  Sometimes I need a-l-o-t of space, as much as I can get.  Hilarious.

Yesterday I asked a person if she'd ever been to Alanon and she said, "Yes.  I went for about 2 1/2 years and the only thing I remember is the 5 Gs."....Wow.  Really.  I've never heard of the 5 Gs.  She wrote them down for me:

1.  Get out of their way
2.  Get off their back
3.  Get to a meeting
4.  Get a sponsor
5.  Get a life

Kewl.  Also, I told her about this blog and she pointed-out anonymity can be compromised by having my picture on here so I've removed it to honor this Tradition.  It's all good. 

Also, today is my first day in applying the Steps AGAIN to my health, body, food, etc.  Yeah!  I've had many Firsts...GOD be with me and also with you.  :)

Dear Higher Power, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower upon us all.  Please help me remember the 5 Gs and to thank YOU for the grace to open the space between my impulses and actions.  All glory to YOU...love, Carol xoxox

How many bottoms must I hit before I truly hit bottom?

Well, apparently I am one of those who must hit several times the same bottom then get to hit more still, etc.  LOL  When is it ever done?  Life seems to provide multiple opportunities to turn to the Higher Power, to submit to this Power that is greater than I, to surrender and Let Go and Let GOD, again and again.  Seems to be a major life lesson for me.

Kind of fascinating in a way.  Like one of those video games where you smash through barriers over and over again, each one with hidden tricksters or monsters that must be smashed, conquered before entering a newer, better domain until finally, after much trial and error, mistakes, power losses, empty loser efforts, until at last...you reach the Golden Moment...it all comes together and it's all good.  Hilarious.  Only thing is that the Game of The Truth vs. The Lie is pretty final.  Get it or don't get it.  Jeesh.  Reality or Illusion?  Sanity or Delusion?  How do I choose today?

Just read in "Day by Day" meditation book re:  Cloud Nine.  The fantasy place attained by alcohol, pills, dope, gambling, shopping, eating, sex, thrills, etc.  What a thrill!  How long does that "high" last?  I guess it depends on tolerance levels of that energy.  What used to be wanting a little taste of the thrill or risk of only one small drink, encounter, etc. slowly, insidiously grew to monstrous proportions until the need to have it took over.  More and more was needed to achieve what  used to only take a little.  Jeesh.

What truly fascinates me though is that the Solution to all my problems lies in the realm of the Spirit.  But first I needed to have THE DESIRE to put a stop to my compulsive behaviors.  And for this multi-winner, I've had to ask my Higher Power for the willingness to stop.  I am a slow learner.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities I get to have to see the truth...that I am NOT the center of the universe and neither is anyone else.  YOU are.  YOU rule.  Also, please help me remember that although I may make mistakes , I am not a mistake.  I pray for the willingness to do YOUR Will just for today.  Love, Carol xoxox

Progress not Perfection, one more time...

Well, I continue to pull out multiple 12 Step mediation books every morning, read the Big Book, How Alanon Works, the 12 & 12's of both programs, etc., etc.  I am sooooo on it!  LOL  Highlighting, underlining, drawing graphic notations in the margins.  Whatever it takes for this material to sink in, take hold, counterbalance the old tapes, the old ideas, habits of thinking, etc.  Taking on the new.  :)

What an adventure!

Also, I am working on a topic-a-day in the Alanon "Blueprint for Progress" 4th Step inventory.  Initially, I kept using the AA 4th Step from the perspective of control, judgment, criticizing, fixating, obsessing, trying to "cure", and fearing I "caused" the spiritual problem to begin with.  Like it's my fault, I'm to blame.  I'm not good enough and I'll never be.  That is the illness...it even sneaks itself into the Program or rather, it tries to but cannot stand up to the Power of the Light.  So...more will be revealed.

I really l-o-v-e my sponsees because they keep me on my toes, push me to study and apply the Steps, slogans, etc.  Jeesh.  It really does take courage to change.  :)

Dear Higher Power, please help me today to stay honest, openminded and willing just for today.  Please give me the strength, courage and wisdom to do YOUR will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Keyboard and Letting Go

My keyboard broke...weird.  I wasn't sure what was the problem but apparently it just went-out, quit working.  Finally I bought a replacement so I'm backkkkk.   :)

Anyway, the holidays were w-i-l-d and fun.  I had the family over on New Year's Day and we all milled about, had a nice time.  I really appreciated seeing their beautiful faces and enjoyed hearing their voices.  Not really sure how enjoyable their experiences were but I do think it was a roaring success.  LOL

One of the things that my sponsor pointed-out which came up in my last 5th Step was I keep messes going at the house, too much stuff, cluttered, etc. so I keep people away, gives me an excuse.  Well...like, the "stuff" is more important than people!  What!!!!!!   Grrrrrrr....that must stop.  There is no "thing" more important than them...no gold, silver, etc.  So, I've been busy, like a busy bee.  LOL  I'm amazed at how much a challenge it is for me to let go of some things.  A piece of a plastic, or a wooden object, or a this or that.  Jeesh.  It's not so much the thing itself but my attachment to it that looms large in my mind's eye.  Silly me.

So it is a new day and GOD-willing, I have a chance just for today, to choose differently.  I can choose to pick up the spiritual tool kit laid at my feet, freely given, and use those Steps, the slogans, the Traditions, the literature, my sponsor, the phone, prayer and meditation, etc. to stay in the Solution or...I can act delusional, crazy, insane like I am the solution to all my problems and every body else's...and see where that takes me every time...into the pits.

Dear GOD, just for today may I do YOUR will in everything that presents itself.  YOU are the Power, the Source, the One.  I pray I remember to Let GO and Let GOD, also to Live and Let Live.  Love, Carol xoxox