Who Knew?

I didn't go to a meeting yesterday.  I felt wiped-out from Saturday's experience.  Not in a bad way.  Just pooped.  LOL  As the aging process unfolds I notice more and more limitations.  It ain't cute, let me tell you.  September 2, I will be 59 years old, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.  Age is a privilege.  "It is what it is", a quote by a wise woman named June (Honey Boo Boo's mother).

I'm waiting to hear from a Spanish speaking Alanon "baby" who agreed to call me in the mornings and help me with practice reading How Alanon Works.  My Spanish speaking and reading skills are atrocious.  I know.  It's evidenced by the the wincing, however fleeting, on the faces of adept speakers.   No matter.  Asking forgiveness along the way, I keep working on learning in hopes of being of maximum service to my Higher Power.  To carry a solution-based message in Spanish is definitely a high-fluting goal!

...In All Our Affairs, p.228, "I'll never graduate.  At times GOD still allows part of the pain from the past to surface to be dealt with, but only when I am capable of handling it.  This is a program for living, and even as old age creeps in, I feel I can still be of service and continue to grow and learn."

Jeesh.  Who knew I would read this today?

Dear GOD Almighty Creator, how amazingly wonderful YOU are.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all.  We need YOU, Lord, every day and in every way to show us the direction YOU want us to go.  Lead, O Lord, and let us not lean on our own understanding but instead on YOU.  YOU are our Creator, the Source, The One...As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Umlauf Garden in Austin, Texas, USA

The Prison Walls...Insider or Outsider?

Yesterday morning I went to visit women in prison in Gainsville, Texas.  Talk about a humbling experience.  It is actually a substance abuse treatment facility and had been in the news at one time...

http://www.austinchronicle.com/news/2008-05-23/627435/

You gotta read it to believe it.  Jeesh.

Anyway, I was there.  A friend of mine invited me to help carry the message.  She told some of her story and I had the opportunity to tell some of mine...with time constraints we didn't know.  It's all good.  LOL

I talked about my childhood experiences..some of them.  I shared about "secrets" I learned to air out, let out, speak it, share it...thanks to my Higher Power, the 12 Steps and Bernard Fleming (an excellent therapist who's helped me so much).  It takes what it takes.

I feel so deeply humble, grateful.  I know without any doubt whatsoever...there, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

I still remember the day when Steve Elliott, my Intensive Supervision Probation officer, closed the door to his office on South Lamar, he walked over to where I sat, leaned forward and pointed his index finger close to my nose and told me, "You are one person who should be in prison and I'm the one who's going to see you get there."  Words to that effect.  He revoked my probation and on my birthday September 2 I stood before the judge and was placed in the custody of Travis County jail for 47 days.  The l-o-n-g-e-s-t 47 days of my life.  For the first time I read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck and it opened my mind...a slight opening...but it helped start pointing me in the right direction.  Thank GOD.  At night I sang gentle, peaceful songs...my voice echoing on the acoustics of the jail.  Serenading us to sleep as the jail quieted...on the last day I heard, "ATW"...all the way...I was free at last.   I remember some of the younger women cried, "Don't leave us, Carol, don't go."  Very humbling indeed.  I put them all in GOD's Hands.

In jail, I learned the equation:  Freedom=Responsibility.  However free I want to be, that's how much responsibility I must take for myself.

Yesterday, brought it all back to mind.  Last night, I put my Big Book by my bed and read it in the wee hours of the morning.  I found me again on pages 204-207...

"...I began to get a picture of myself, of the temperament that had caused me so much trouble.  I had been hypersensitive, shy, idealistic.  My inability to accept the harsh realities of life had resulted in a disillusioned cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world's misunderstanding.  That armour had turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness---and fear.  All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world---and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman, who desperately needed a prop to keep going...

"Alcohol was that prop, and I didn't see how I could live without it...

"Then the miracle happened---to me!...

"...my eye caught a sentence ...'We cannot live with anger'.  The walls crumpled---and the light streamed in.  I wasn't trapped.  I wasn't helpless.  I was free and I didn't have to drink to "show them."  This wasn't "religion"---this was freedom!  Freedom from anger and fear, freedom to know happiness, and freedom to know love.

"I went to a meeting to see for myself this group of freaks or bums who had done this thing.  To go into a gathering of people was the sort of thing that all my life, from the time I  left my private world of books and dreams to meet the real world of people and parties and jobs, had left me feeling an uncomfortable outsider...and found I had come home at last, to my own kind.  There is another meaning for the Hebrew word... "salvation".  It is:  "to come home."  I had found my salvation.  I wasn't alone anymore.

"...my once overweening self-will has finally found its proper place, for I can say many times daily, "Thy will be done, not mine"...and mean it."

Dear Heavenly Lord GOD Almighty Creator Great Spirit, thank YOU for it all.  YOUR Will be done.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Martyr-face

I had a mask that is for Mardi Gra.  I gave it away yesterday.  It reminds me of how there are many times I wear an expression on my face that reflects the role I'm playing in my interactions in life.  Instead of how I really feel, or what I really think.  The authentic self is covered by the false self, the fake, the mask of people-pleasing, dominating, controlling, manipulating, mothering, smothering not only others but myself, too.  Jeesh.

What does it take to stop wearing masks and just be real?  Love and tolerance.  For myself and others.  Enjoying life, squeezing each moment for each precious happy, joyous and free minute!  Wearing a smile of gratitude instead of a sad, droopy face full of self-pity.  Keep the focus on me and let it begin with me.  Stop waiting for others to change...get busy in changing my own attitude and focus.

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.236, "Everyone around  this table is smiling---we've all put aside our griefs and our grievances.  Do we behave this cheerful way at home, or do we automatically put on our martyr-face?  I know I do---and right now I'm going to begin to change that."

Dear Lord Great Spirit, powerful and knowing are YOUR Ways.  Please lead me in the path of YOUR love, tolerance, and merciful forgiveness.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Free My Mind

I don't know.  Sometimes I experience my thoughts like getting stuck on a fly-trap, those sticky glue paper strips.  Negative thoughts and reactive emotions whir, buzz, gnash at my peace of mind until there is none.  Stuck.

Before the 12 Steps, I just guessed, trial and error, in finding ways to stop the obsession, fixation, compulsion or whatever you want to call it.  Resentment, hate, anger, fear, despair, etc. ruled the day and just h-u-r-t.

There is a way out...thank GOD.  And it does get better.  This, too, shall pass, indeed.

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.235, "If I really do not want to be hurt, and if I am sure that self-pity isn't giving me a certain secret satisfaction, I will take all the steps necessary to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions.  The best way to do this is not by grimly exerting will power, but by replacing those hurtful ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude."

Dear Creator GOD Lord Almighty, thank YOU for YOUR wondrous gifts of life.  The abundance of YOUR glory, compassion and love for us all is so amazing.  Thank YOU for helping me remember that just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I am a mistake.  I am YOUR creation and thank YOU for the opportunity to be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

Giving Freely of My Self

Well, I'm b-a-c-k!  LOL

I love it.  *big smile*  Today, of all the readings, the one that stands out the most is:

Daily Reflections, p.242, "My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive."--The Best of Bill, p.46-47.  

"As long as I try, with all my heart and soul, to pass along to others what has been passed along to me, and do not demand anything in return, life is good to me...I was never able to give without demanding something in return.  Little did I know that, once I began to give freely of myself, I would begin to receive, without ever expecting or demanding anything at all.  What I receive today is the gift of "stability"...but most of all, in my relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call GOD."

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, thank YOU so much for those who show the way, who give so freely of themselves so that such a one as I can learn from them how to give freely.  Thank YOU for the multiple gifts of blessings YOU bestow on us all, O Creator.  YOU're awesome.  Love, Carol xoxox

Face it

I upgraded to Google Chrome and now the "compose" works!  Yeah!  I am soooo excited.  :)

Well, I continue to work the Steps with my new Al-Anon sponsor.  It's different than when I worked them in AA or worked them alone.  I snagged on the 4.  So many things showed up.  That old boyfriend for one.  Wow.  This brought a bunch of stuff smack up into my face.  The truth is I've been a lot sicker, deeper in denial,  than what I was ever willing to "face".  This smashed a bunch of denial.  The truth is I used him just like I've used other people as excuses for how I've lived my life.  Again and again confronted by it.

I worked some more on the 4 and am racing along.  This morning I wrote my grandson a letter, also my brother in Phoenix, and also a "thank you" letter to my dermatologist.  Actually I feel happy and successful.  Just for today...

Courage to Change, p.232, "Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself.  By facing reality, I become someone I can depend on."  A quote from As We Understood, "Awareness is so much better for me than closing out all feelings, shutting out people, withdrawing from living.  No matter how hard the truth is or what the facts are, I prefer to know, look at, and accept this day."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, than YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Untie the Knot

Well, no matter what I do, the "compose" button still doesn't work so I guess HTML will have to do for the meantime! It's been rough...not last Friday, but the Friday before, I dressed to go to work and discovered a tick latched onto my leg...I about fell-out. *shudder* Once thing I can't stand is ticks. Or spiders. Or snakes. Yep. There it was. So finally I was able to remove it by using tweezers and I cleaned the area, disinfected it, then put an antibiotic cream to help heal. Jeesh. It's been rough. What is hard about this situation is not the tick itself...it's what my mind does about the tick. Thoughts become tumultuous, rapid, what if's...what if the tick had Lyme's Disease? What if I now have Lyme's Disease? What would that mean? What does that look like? I don't know. I'll go do a search on the Internet...which brings up a lot of pictures of skin affected by Lyme's...omg...on and on. Then the emotions intertwined within the thoughts...scrambled...knotted together. A mess. I remember when my youngest son learned how to tie knots. He tied just about everthing he could, over and over. One time all the shoes in the house were tied together, strings here and there, a web of activity. Now, just because he knew how to tie doesn't mean he knew how to untie. So guess who did the untying and clean-up? Yep. Me. What a martyr. *hand salute to forehead in a pose of self-pity* Poor me. LOL Anyway, the knotted mess of my thoughts and emotions regarding the tick bite have challenged me to untie...clean it up. I do this by working the Steps. Step 1...I am powerless over the tick bite...it happened in the past, I can't go back to change that...my emotional and mental life become unmanageable with the bombardment of reflex reactions to this event of having a tick bite. Step 2...I believe that a Power Greater than myself is available and cares about me. This Higher Power bestows upon me the capacity to think in an effective way if I am willing to turn myself and my life over to GOD's care. I can take a breath...relax...and trust. I am a human and it is true that a tick bite can be harmful to me but there are things I can do to take care of myself. Dear GOD, help me please in this matter...and so it goes. Do the next right thing...So last night I remembered to heat some water up, cut some white cloth, poured a bit of Epsom salts in the cup of the cloth, made a poutice, then dipped it in the hot water and put it on my owwwie...feels much better. Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the privilege to be here, for the gift of Life. Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit of YOUR Love. Love, Carol xoxox

"compose" still doesn't work!

Hmmmm...the "compose" still doesn't work. Well, anyway, one day at a time... I did my readings this morning and once again...they help me soooo much to start my day just right. Thank you everyone who contributed to the writings that made it into those books! You really help me so much...

In All Our Affairs, p.207-211, were absolutely riviting reading! "...a program of hope...a way to become students of life on life's terms. ...learn that it is possible to find serenity within ourselves even when surrounded by chaos...sometimes doubt that we are making any progress at all...likens this aspect of the recovery process to climbing a spiral staircase: while it may seem we are getting nowhere, going in circles, we actually revisit old issues from an ever-high vantage point...learnthatt there is life after crisis, and that, with the help of these Steps, we can move on...find the quality of our lives continues to improve as we apply the ...program not only to crisis situations but to our everyday lives...by continuing to take personal inventory, acknowledgining our gains, and our gratitude, promptly admitting when we are wrong. No longer must we accumulate burdens of guilt or resentment that will become heavier and more potent over time. Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air, to start again, fresh and free.

"...The 11th Step...means for filling the terrible, aching void that so many of us experience within...tried to fill this emptiness with practically everything---sweets, relationships, rage, shopping, overwork---and having failed to find lasting relief, we can turn to mediation for a solution....meditation fils us up from the inside out and leaves us a little more whole each time...
"...Prayer offers another way to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power...The huility that results from working the previous Steps reminds us that we don't always have the perspective to know what is best for us. So when we work the 11th Step, we ask only for "knowledge of GOD's Will for us, and the power to carry it out. Power here does not always mean strength, determination, or force; it may take the form of gentleness, willingness to bend, or surrender to GOD's Will."...
Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOUR Will be done. Love, Carol xoxox

Wow. It's been incredible....the "compose" area of the blog doesn't work. Finally, I clicked "HTML" and it's fine. That's not the reason I have'nt been blogging. I dropped into the aerospace of not doing it. In my history, I've done this before. Usually at certain times of the year. I notice this in my journals. A period of time I'm unavailable. Hmmm... Anyway, I'm back. I went thru a spin, a twist, a bended road of progress, never really seeing what's ahead and yet presevering, forging on thru the fog, smog, or whatever came my way. Finally...at long last...some clarity. I remember once driving on a road so foggy I couldn't see anything at all, like a wall, nothing. It was so bad I had to open my car door and lean down just to be able to see the middle yellow stripe to keep the car on the road. The fear, anxiety, uncertainty...slow...slow...slow. Then, finally, the fog disappears. Everything's clear again. Yep. It's like that. Some clarity...about time. I see now the "self-righteous, arrogance,and control" character defects that drive me to distraction...I put this in GOD's hands. HOPE FOR TODAY, p.216, "When I point my finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at me." Dear Sweet, Merciful, Compassionate Creator of ALL That Was-Is-Will be-and Might be, thank YOU for the wonderful gifts of Life, Love, and Happiness that YOU bestow upon us all. Lord, how great Thou truly art! Please help me be of maximum service to YOU, my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU Will. Love, Carol