Reflection of Beauty, Unity, and Diversity

I look back in time and see how my mother kept us in various stages of fear and insecurity.  Her parenting style seemed to swing from one extreme to another.  From varying stages of rigid oppressive fear and insecurity to way overly permissive, "do whatever you want, just leave me alone".

"Just wait until your father comes home.  You're gonna get it."

I used to look up to my dad.  I thought he was awesome, loving and caring, not like her at all.  Of course, I didn't see him most of the time.  He was either in jail, prison, or on the streets trying to hit the jackpot or scoring dope with most of the money he made playing dominoes or conning people.  What I didn't see was his abuse by abandonment, not being there, not providing, not protecting.

When he was home, it felt magical, an illusive dream.  Now we can be a family with a father and a mother.  We might be poor but we have each other.  Love will keep us together.

Except there was one fly in the soup...the illness of addiction and it messed us all up.  None was excluded...

As I work the 4th Step, more and more the memories come back and the feelings attached to each one.  My sponsor and I have an appointment for May 18th to do my 5th.  God-willing...

April 21..."When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light, then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love...Fear  blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity...Examine your motives...Pray to let go of my own rigidity, that I might see the beauty of unity in diversity...Today I'll allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say."

Dear GOD, may I be of service a

nd do YOUR Will.  Love, Carol xoxox