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1.We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had
become unmanageable.
"Now we are learning a better way to own our power than being victims and being controlling. It begins by admitting and accepting the truth about ourselves and our relationships." "I didn't know how to say no. I didn't have a life of my own. I had a backlog of feelings from childhood, and chances were great that whatever I was reacting to today was probably a patterned reaction from childhood."
ON UNMANAGEABILILTY
"I felt so bad about myself, I hoped that if I helped enough people, God would start treating me good. That's when it dawned on me that I needed to start treating myself good. God wasn't making me do all these things. God wasn't stopping the good from happening in my life. I was." "Our codependency and unmanageability, doesn't always surround addicts and alcoholics. Many of us discover our efforts to control another's behavior extend beyond controlling another's addiction. Many of us get caught up in overt, and subtle, gestures to control many people--what they do, think, feel, how and when they change." "Many of us find ourselves trying to control others well into recovery. I have come to recognize my need to control, or take care of another, is instinctive. It's my first reaction to people. It's no longer as obvious as it once was, but it's still there. Controlling and caretaking don't work. Codependency doesn't work. It makes us feel crazy. It makes us feel like people and circumstances are driving us crazy. Our lives become unmanageable. Controlling and caretaking create unmanageability."
THE ROOTS OF CONTROL
"The belief that we have power over other people is a powerful belief--a destructive illusion many of us learned in childhood." "Many of us grew up believing it wasn't okay to have feelings... That was part of the control we were taught to have--repression of our emotions. Now we are learning whatever we try to control gains control of us. If we try to control our feelings in an unhealthy way--which many of us were taught to do and learned to do to survive-our feelings will gain control of us and create unmanageability." "We don't know how to relax and detach. Some of us aren't aware of how afraid we are...Step One gives us permission to relax, stop controlling, deal with our fear, and take care of ourselves." "...much of what I call codependency in life is a result of feeling frightened, trapped, and stuck in relationships because I don't know how to take care of myself with people." "Step One does not imply irresponsibility or helplessness. We are not saying, 'I can't help myself because of what others are doing, or have done to me'. We are saying the opposite that we are responsible for our affairs. Others are responsible for themselves and their affairs--whether or not we like how they are handling them." "When we accept powerlessness, we will become empowered to take care of ourselves...This step grounds us in reality and in ourselves. It centers us. It balances us. It brings us back home to ourselves." THE DETACHMENT STEP "This Step helps us begin to identify the proper use and abuse of willpower. We begin feeling instead of running from our emotions. We identify how we have neglected ourselves, so we may better love ourselves in any circumstance."
"Often this step puts us in touch with our
feelings--feelings of fear, hurt, or shame. It puts us in touch with grief.
At first, the Step can feel dark and frightening. It doesn't have to, not for
long. It renders us powerless over what we cannot control, so we become
empowered. Once we accept whatever loss or area of powerlessness we're
facing, we're free to feel and deal with our feelings, then move forward with
life."
"Detach. Detach from the fear. Detach from the need to control. Focus on ourselves, and let ourselves be...Love and accept ourselves as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard...The answer will come from detachment". This Step takes us to a safe place, a comfortable place. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. "The Second Step puts us on track - a new track - a course that holds more power and direction than we have on our own. It is the transition Step. It takes us from where we are to where we want to go." "All we are asked to do now is believe. In fact, all we are asked to do is "come to believe". We do that by opening our minds and hearts and connecting with other recovering people." RESTORED TO SANITY "Although we share codependency issues, each of us has a personal version of how codependency manifested itself in our lives and what being restored to sanity means." "Not only do we have our own ideas of what it means to be restored to sanity but these ideas may change as we change. In the beginning of recovery, I needed to be restored from chasing alcoholics around, trying to make them stop drinking, to the sanity of living my own life. I needed to be restored from continual self-neglect to learning to pay daily, loving attention to myself and my needs. I needed to be restored from believing I had to, and could, control others to a place of letting go of others and allowing life to unfold." "My idea of being restored to sanity centers around owning my power in relationships — learning how not to let others have all the power, learning not to allow others to control me, no matter how healthy or well intentioned the people I'm dealing with. To me, sanity is when I am at peace with myself and take care of myself with others, instead of taking care of them." "Many of us find that as our recovery progresses, our definition of sanity changes. Initially, many of us come to recovery thinking it is reasonable to repress our feelings, dislike ourselves, stay immersed in shame, and feel trapped and hopeless. We may come to recovery thinking it normal that people endure being alive and slog through a miserable form of existence. We may think it normal to deny and deprive ourselves. We may think expecting perfectionism of ourselves is reasonable!" "We may look upon victimization as a normal day-to-day event, a reasonable reaction to most of life's circumstances." "But this viewpoint changes for many of us when we begin to identify those past behaviors as codependent." "Later, we may look upon any return to the unpleasant, negative thought patterns and emotions that accompany codependency as undesirable, and a reason to use this Step. We do not blame ourselves or expect to be free of tangles. Tangles can be beneficial and growth- producing. We do not look upon emotions as insanity, but rather as healthy expressions of healthy living. But most of us prefer to stay balanced. In fact, feeling good - and for us that means feeling all our emotions - eventually begins to feel good." "Some of us are looking for more from this Step and from recovery as a whole than being restored. Many of us feel we have never experienced the kind of life we want for ourselves. We feel we are beginning for the first time to develop a manner of loving and living that is healthy." CAME TO BELIEVE "We do not begin by believing a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. We work into it. We grow into our belief. We come to believe." "Many of us find that we come to believe by seeing other people with problems similar to ours restored to sanity as a result of working these Steps. For us, seeing is believing." "And coming to meetings is how we come to believe." "Many of us have little difficulty working this Step, once we begin attending meetings. It is difficult not to come to believe if we listen and watch." "Perhaps the greatest offering of this Step is that no matter what we want and need done in our lives, we do not have to do it by ourselves. We don't have to use our will to change ourselves. For once, we don't have to try so hard." "We can turn to a Power greater than ourselves." A POWER GREATER THAN OURSELVES "We don't have to begin with a complex understanding of a Power greater than ourselves. We don't want to begin with detailed ideas about what we want accomplished in our lives and how that should happen." "We don't even have to know what we're going to be doing tomorrow." "We can start where we are, with whatever amount of belief or disbelief we have at the moment. We start by believing that we can and will be restored to sanity - whether that restoration is a brief event, such as handling a momentary feeling, or a larger event, such as the restoration we need when we begin recovery or go through a traumatic experience." "We open ourselves to the help, loving care, guidance, and power of God. We come to believe we will be healed and that the tools we need to be healed will come into our lives. Our faith is not misplaced when we come to believe that recovery will work for us." "God was inserted into this program of recovery because God is fundamental to recovery and fundamental to the psychic and soul-level change and healing we're seeking. We do certain things to change, but essentially, we are changed. It is a spiritual process." "The decision to refer to God as a "Power greater than ourselves" and to allow people to develop their own understanding of this power is intentional." "This program is spiritual, not religious. The Steps were written to be compatible with all religious and denominational beliefs. They were also intended to be accessible to those without religious or denominational beliefs." "Many of us come to recovery with contorted, fearful, and sometimes rigid and shame-based understandings of God. We may fear God. We may fear that God despises us or has abandoned us. We may have had unpleasant dealings with certain religious denominations. Some people come to this program because of a religious system had the same destructive impact on them as a dysfunctional family system." "Great care must be taken to allow individuals the freedom to explore and determine their own spiritual beliefs." "Because of the great amount of physical and sexual abuse that many of us have suffered, some Twelve Steps programs have removed any gender reference to God. Some people don't want to identify God as a male-gender Being; some don't want to refer to God as a female-gender Being. Some don't want to call God "Father", because of the abuse suffered at the hands of an earthly father." "Some of us are comfortable embracing a traditional concept of God. That's fine, too." "These Steps allow us each to get our needs met by a God of our understanding. We can come to these Steps with our fears, prejudices, needs, and desires, and still find recovery." "When we take this Step, we begin to learn through personal experience. Then, others come to believe through our example of how we have been healed and helped. This program is a never- ending chain of healing." "By believing and staying open to this healing process, we will become changed, in a natural, manageable fashion." "We can use this Step to help us get through difficult situations around us, within us, or both." "We can use this Step to help us come to believe that we can develop a sane, loving approach to ourselves, life, and others - no matter what our past or present circumstances. This Step means we no longer have to limit our futures by our pasts." THE HOPE STEP "Breathe deeply. Believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. Be grounded on that new level. By believing, we create the space for that to happen. We stop empowering the problem and begin to empower the solution, one that will be given to us." "Do not worry about how it will happen. Do not worry about when it will happen. All we need will be given to us, done for us. We are in the process of becoming changed. All we need to do is believe." "Most of us find we don't have to work too hard at this Step. Coming to believe is a gift. It will be given to us when we are ready for it, and we will receive as much belief as we can handle as we are ready." "In the First Step we surrendered to powerlessness. That was the beginning. Now we are on the way to becoming empowered by a Power greater than ourselves. This Power responds quickly and greatly to the slightest movement forward, the smallest indication of belief on our part." "We will be restored. We will be renewed. We will be lifted out of our present circumstance and into a solution, whether that involves a change of heart, a change of attitude, a new path, a new feeling, or a new vision of what we are to do. Sometimes this happens quickly. Sometimes it takes a while." "Open ourselves to the belief that a new and better way will appear, and it will. Open ourselves, for one moment, to the possibility that a Higher Power can create a new way or a new situation or a solution, and we have set the stage for that to happen. Open ourselves to the possibility that we can be restored, and we shall begin that journey." "For many of us, taking the First Step - facing and admitting the unmanageability, pain, and loss in our lives - felt dark and hopeless. The Second Step takes us out of the darkness and into the light of hope and promise." "This Step offers hope, not the false hope many of us have clung to for years, but real hope in a real recovery. Take it whenever we need to." 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. "Many of us have confused ideas about what it means to surrender to the care of God. Anyone who has battled with control issues may have a hard time giving up, giving in, and letting go. Sometimes we surrender too much. We become victimized, we refuse to take care of ourselves, and we blame that on God." "In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves." TURNING OVER OUR LIVES AND WILLS "Making a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understand God, is making a decision to live our life with God's help, and we each have a life to live." "We make a conscious decision to place ourselves and our lives, our internal affairs and external circumstances, over to the care of God. Then, we take responsibility for our lives and allow others to do the same for themselves." "In Step Two, we acknowledge that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity. In this Step, we do what needs to be done to let God do that. We turn ourselves over to God's care. Then we do our part by learning to take care of ourselves." TO THE CARE OF GOD "Some of us struggle with the concept of God as a result of what we have been through before finding our way to these Steps." "Most of us find that if we stay open, we find our own path to spirituality. Most of us find things work out if we begin with whatever amount of belief, or disbelief, we possess." "There is a great deal of relief in taking this Step. God is going to help us take care of ourselves." "It is safe, now, to let go of our need to be in control." "We can go to God as our source, our Creator, our inspiration, our guidance, our direction. And we hold ourselves responsible for our behavior and choices." "It is a relationship based on trust - trust in God and trust in self." AS WE UNDERSTOOD GOD "This Step declares that God is an important part of our recovery and our lives. It also states specifically that we are each free to understand God as we choose. This Step is not about religion - although a particular religion may be important in our lives. This Step is coming to terms with a personal relationship with God, as we understand and define God." "God is not malicious. Not punitive. Not a trickster. Not out to play jokes on us. God may ask us to wait longer than we want, but only if waiting is in our best interests." "God knows our hearts and God understands our healing needs. God understands the good that is waiting around the corner for us, the good that we can't see yet. God sees the benefit in the lessons we're learning, not just the turmoil, which is what we so often focus on." "God can help us bring out the healer in ourselves." TURNING IT OVER "This Step is about willpower, and the limits and the consequences of plowing our way through life running on our own fuel. Many of us have found that we haven't gotten too far or have not arrived at the destination we liked by using our own will." "We do not have to look around us too long or too hard to find God's will for us and our lives today. It is not hidden from the eye. God's plan for us today is taking care of ourselves the way we want and choose, within the framework of what's happening in our lives today. When it's supposed to be something different, we'll know. We'll get interrupted. We'll be lead into a new circumstance. Or a new circumstance will find us." "Usually we find God's will by becoming quiet, trusting God and listening to and trusting ourselves. It is a place found in peace and trust, not urgency and intensity." "It is by surrendering to the present moment that we reach the next moment in our lives." ACCEPTANCE AND GRATITUDE "Gratitude has immense transformational powers - for ourselves, our lives, and our circumstances. Gratitude helps make things work out well. It helps us feel better while stressful things are happening. Then when things get good, it helps us enjoy the good." "Focusing on the negative, focusing on the "what's wrong with this picture" is a large part of our codependency. Gratitude empowers and increases what's right in our lives. It helps make things right." "Gratitude can help bring us to a point of surrender. It can change the energy in us and our environment. Gratitude diminishes the power of the problem and empowers the solution. It releases us from the tight, negative grasp of our present circumstance. It releases fear. It helps us move out and move forward. It breeds acceptance, the magic that helps us and our circumstances change." "Next to the Steps and detachment, gratitude is probably the most helpful recovery tool available. Like any tool, thinking about using it isn't enough. It works only when we pick it up in our hands and actually begin using it." THE FREEDOM OF SURRENDER "This is the surrender Step. Once we surrender, we become free to take care of ourselves, with the assistance of our Higher Power." "Surrender doesn't mean we're helpless. It doesn't mean we surrender to abuse or intolerable circumstances. It means we acknowledge these circumstances, then ask God to help us take care of ourselves in these circumstances." "We will have to learn to say no; how to set boundaries; how to listen to our feelings, wants, and needs; and how to respond to external circumstances in a reasonable way, one that exhibits self- care, self-love, and respect for others." "Surrendering is how we become empowered to take care of ourselves." "Turning our will and life over to the care of God takes the control of our life away from others. It also takes the control of others' lives away from us. It sets us free to develop our own connection to our Source and to ourselves, a connection free of the demands, expectations, and plans of another person. It can even set us free from our own demands, expectations, and plans." "When we stop controlling others and allowing them to control us, we become free to take care of ourselves. The First Step is about powerlessness. This Step is about owning our power to take care of ourselves." "We can use this Step when we are beginning recovery or when we run into an impasse. We can use it in the big moments of our lives or in the smaller, quieter moments. We can use it in times of confusion or despair, or when we feel stuck and trapped." "When we have neglected ourselves to the point of despair, confusion, exhaustion, and sometimes self-abuse, we can take this Step. We can surrender to the Highest Plan and Purpose for our lives - the one that includes self-love." "There is another way besides ours, a better one. Taking this Step helps us find that way, even when the next move is a simple one like doing the dishes or watching television." "This Step isn't about mindlessness or selflessness."
"Stepping into God's care is a gentle step, one that brings
peace and harmony. That doesn't mean our actions will never cause discord,
hurt feelings, or a reaction in others. But there will be a rightness, a
naturalness, and a harmony to what we do."
"Taking the Third Step is a starting point for setting our new life in motion. We can do it when we begin recovery. Then we can do it as needed." "Once we have placed ourselves in the care of a Higher Power, the act is complete. Our lives and our wills belong to God." "People from our past may have abandoned us. God won't. When times get rough, we don't have to wonder whether God is there or whether God cares or whether God knows what is going on." "God is there. God cares. God's plan is one that we can participate in, one that lets us use each event and circumstance in our lives to bring about our highest good." "Surrender renders us teachable. Humility and giving up make surrender possible. Becoming teachable allows us to learn what we could never have learned, had we not become willing to become students." "Sometimes we surrender to anything and everything and call it God's will, and then we feel angry and hurt and get mad at God. But this isn't about God, it's about our codependency." "When we use this Step, we understand that we cannot control others, so we stop trying. But we also realize that we no longer have to let them control us." "This process of surrender happens not once, but again and again and again as we master a succession of lessons - lessons of healing, liberation, and love. Each time we may think: That's it. Now I've learned. It's free sailing from here on! Then we realize to our relief and delight that we are starting over as beginners again." "Trust this process. It will take us where we truly want and need to go - in Divine and Perfect timing. Trust God's plan, for it is better than ours. Trust ourselves, for we have now tapped into a power and source infinitely more powerful than anything we've known." 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This is the Step that brings fear, uncertainty, and guilt to those who have been around recovery meetings for a while and have not taken it - or to those who have gone a time without taking it again. It's housecleaning time. Healing time." “It's the dreaded Fourth Step." LOOKING WITHIN OURSELVES "Many of us hide from our pain. Many of us hide from ourselves. Perhaps the last, safest, and strongest holdout from looking at ourselves is blaming our circumstances and condition on others. Focusing on others will neither solve our problems nor bring relief from the pain. It will divert us, but it won't accomplish the work we are seeking. It won't bring healing. Focusing on others won't change our circumstances. Many of us make the mistake of stopping our recovery efforts before we work this Step. We recover long enough to identify with other people's problem and realize it's not our fault. But what we discover is this: If we do not use our present circumstances as a challenge, a trigger, and an invitation to look within, we will find ourselves dancing through a repeat performance." "Many of us begin recovery from codependency by looking around and outside of ourselves. That's often how life gets our attention. We get mad, whine, rage, manipulate, attempt to control, and point the finger at the other person in absolute insistence that he or she is doing something inappropriate, something we do not like, something we want that person to stop doing." "This is what we call an "outward" focus." "In this Step, we begin the process of looking within as a response to our circumstances. We make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves." "This Step doesn't tell us to make a critical, hostile, blaming inventory of ourselves. It doesn't tell us endlessly to find fault, hold ourselves irresponsible or over responsible, or others unaccountable. It says: "searching and fearless." "We don't take this Step in lieu of setting boundaries. We don't take this Step to deny what another person is or isn't doing, and the impact of that on our families and our lives. We don't take this Step to deny what we are feeling." "We take this Step to get to the core of recovery: self-responsibility." "This Step is the beginning of our own housecleaning. It is where we begin looking within for the solution to our problems and pain. It is how we begin healing ourselves and our hearts." "In this Step, we begin to allow the light to come into ourselves." A SEARCHING AND FEARLESS INVENTORY "Here are some ways people approach this Step:" "1. An Inventory of Codependent Characteristics" "We can list some of the codependent behaviors and characteristics we have been protecting ourselves with, the people involved with these behaviors, and our underlying feelings about them." "2. A General Biographical Sketch" "This is an easy way to dive into this Step. Sit down with pencil and paper and write about yourself. Start simple. Where were you born? Then let the process take over. Write what comes to mind about yourself and your life - from childhood to present. Don't overwhelm yourself by trying to do it perfectly. After doing this first sketch, you may want to move on to the Fifth Step and talk to someone about what you've discovered. Or, you may want to move to the next layer of yourself." "Remember, this Step is not about being nice and appropriate. It's about getting it all out. Your biography isn't going to be published. Let yourself go, and say what you need and want to say." "3. A Specific Biographical Sketch" "Some people prefer to focus on one area of their lives, such as relationships, family, or work history. This can be useful if you find yourself blocked in a particular area. Write about your history in that one area, starting at the beginning." "The more we write about ourselves, our feelings, and our beliefs, the more helpful this work is." "4. A Big-Book Fourth Step" "This approach (covered on pages 64 through 71 of Alcoholics Anonymous, "the Big Book:) is the original approach suggested for a Fourth Step. This version calls for an honest stocktaking of ourselves. It is simple and straightforward. We write down the names of people we resent, and why. We write down what part of our lives we feel those people have affected or harmed. On our list of resentments, we include "people, institutions or principles with whom we are, or were angry." For instance, "I'm resentful toward my friend because she doesn't call me often enough, and that affects my social life and my feelings of well-being." "In this Fourth Step, we may want to cover all the troublesome areas of our lives - anger, resentment, fear, sex, and money - reviewing each area thoroughly and with an attitude of self- acceptance, not shame." "5. Things We've Done Wrong" "This can be an honest appraisal of the things we've done that we feel guilty about. This Step can help us clarify our own acts and words that cause guilt and shame, so we can be done with past guilt. It can also help clarify our inappropriate guilt - feelings of guilt that aren't really our own, but belong to others. We can be done with that, too. This is the place to let go of our rationalizations, our justifications, and look within." "Not listening to, not trusting, ourselves is a moral issue. Not liking and loving ourselves is a moral issue, and it is the heart and core of our codependency." "6. Wrongs Others Have Done to Us" "Taking a Fourth Step from this vantage point can help us get it all out. We can list all our victimizations from day one. What people, institutions, places, and beliefs have victimized or hurt us? How and why? How did this affect our lives? How does this make us feel? Did we have any part in this? For instance, did we say yes to someone when we could have said no? Why didn't we? What did we fear might happen if we took care of ourselves? Why didn't we own our power with that person? What was the belief stopping us from taking care of ourselves?" "Have a good gripe session on paper. Whine once and for all so we can be done with it and heal." "7. An Asset Inventory" "So much of our codependency involves difficulty seeing what's good about ourselves and our lives. Seeing what's wrong can come so easily. It can be helpful to do a Fourth Step on our good qualities, our talents, our values, and what's right about us. It may also be, as one woman said, the hardest Fourth Step we've ever done." "8. A List of Anger, Fear - and Shame" "Write down a list of everyone we're mad at, everything we're afraid of, and everything we hate about ourselves. Dump it all. This is a simple approach to this Step. Just make a list of who or what, past and present, bothers you. Bothers means "causes you to feel upset, afraid, angry, helpless, outraged, indignant, hurt, ashamed, guilty, worried, or disturbed." Bothers also means "triggers any type of reaction in you, including caretaking or controlling." You can include things about yourself and your life that bothers you. You can include things about others, relationships, or work that bothers you. But we won't know what to let go of and change until we do our Fourth Step work. The bottom line is this: If we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe we're unlovable, we won't let anyone love us. And if we believe people will hurt us and take advantage of us, they probably will." "Our goal of this Step is to open up and heal the emotional part of ourselves." LEARNING TO LOVE OURSELVES "Besides identifying and healing from past feelings, incidents, and beliefs, there is another important benefit from working this Step. Some people call the Twelve Steps a "selfish" program. That's true. We do this program for ourselves, no matter whose problem got us into the Steps, no matter who we originally came to these Steps to help. But these Steps are also a self-esteem program. We work them to be done with shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. We work these Steps to learn how to love ourselves. Then we can learn how to love other people and let them love us." "This Step helps us learn to switch from a shame-based system to a system of loving and accepting ourselves - as is. We are clearing up our guilt and shame." "When doing this Step, do not forget to list the wrongs we may have done to ourselves: telling ourselves that it is not okay to be who we are; punishing and rejecting ourselves for being that; treating ourselves in any manner that is less than what we deserve. Not loving, accepting, nurturing, and cherishing ourselves are some of the most abusive wrongs we can do." "By the time we reach this Step, we are called upon to do some focused work. It can be intense. What are we searching for? The darker side, the side that prevents us from loving ourselves, loving others, and letting others love us - the side that blocks us from finding the love and happiness we want and deserve." "Don't worry about doing this Step perfectly. Don't worry about doing it well enough. This Step will work if we make an effort to work it. It will start a process. It will move us forward o our journey. Choose a way to do this Step, then do it. Be as honest as possible. Be open. Be willing to do what feels right for you, when it feels right to do that. You don't have to let it overwhelm you. Some people feel so critical of themselves when they begin recovery, they need to wait a year or two to work this Step." "If you don't feel ready, don't worry about it. Like the other Steps, this one will find you, when it's time. You'll know when it's time." OPENING OUR HEARTS TO LOVE "We work these Steps to heal from our pain, fear, guilt, and limiting beliefs , but to do that, we must first recognize them. That is our task in this Fourth Step. Those who find the courage to look within are the people most comfortable with themselves and recovery." "This is the healing Step. This is the healing-the-heart Step. This Step can change lives. Go deep. Go as deep within yourself as you can. Start with the top layer, and let the process take you deeper. Do not be afraid of what you will find. The things that have happened to us may be dark, but our core is beautiful and good." "Take this Step once, twice, as often as we need. Let the process of looking within become a habitual response to life and life's situations. Not to blame. Not to hold ourselves responsible for the behavior of others. But to explore, understand, take responsibility for, and cherish who we really are. Take this Step to empower and enable ourselves to heal and to take care of ourselves in any circumstances." "If we don't know what our issue is to deal with, ask God to reveal it to us. Ask God to show us what it is we need to face within ourselves. God will answer." "Be honest, but also be gentle and understanding with ourselves as we work this Step." 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. "I believe this Step has two important implications: the focused Fifth Step confessional work we are called upon to do when we formally take this Step; and the practice of appropriate honesty and vulnerability with the people we relate to in our lives. Let's talk about both." ADMITTED TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING "Some call codependence a disease, an illness. Others call it a problem. Some don't know what to call it. Some don't even like to call it "codependency." But many, including some original Al-Anon members, call it a "soul-sickness". What we do in recovery is to practice the daily behaviors that we call "recovery". What we are seeking are psychic and soul-level changes in ourselves, changes that can be manifested in our lives and our relationships, beginning with our primary relationships with ourselves." "To begin that process, it is imperative that we unearth, release, get rid of, and be done with shame, fear, guilt, secrets, and anything else inside us that bothers us, causes us to feel less than, weighted down by, burdened by, and bad about ourselves. The way to do that is by opening our mouths and getting it out. It is a simple but effective way to begin healing ourselves. We simply tell the truth about ourselves to ourselves, to another person, and to God in an attitude of self- responsibility, acceptance, and forgiveness." "If we have done the work called for in the Fourth Step, if we have sat down and inventoried ourselves, we have started to shake up our souls. We have reached in with a Brillo pad and begun to scrub loose the debris and film within, those things blocking us from living the life we want. No matter what form of Fourth Step we use, no matter if we do a small, medium, or large one, we have loosened some things that need immediately to be washed away." "Once we start this process of loosening the "stuff" within, we will often notice it more. We may feel the weight of it all. We may begin to notice the feelings, needs, guilt, and burden of what we have carried around. We need to set up an appointment to talk about this soon. We need to move quickly on to this Step to do the washing away and cleansing of all that has been loosened." "It's important to take a Fifth Step soon after completing our Fourth Step inventory. Some people suggest making an appointment to take a Fifth Step before we begin working on the Fourth, giving ourselves about two weeks. They suggest beginning on deadline to do the Fourth and going immediately in for the "cleansing" part. However we do it, we can do ourselves a favor and move quickly to this Step. With many of the Steps there is no rush to move on to the next. This one is an exception." "Just as it's important to do our Fifth Step soon after we write our inventory, it's also important to choose carefully the person with whom we take our Fifth Step. Some people choose to do Fifth Step work with clergy. Others prefer not to. Some people choose a trusted program sponsor to do this work with. Others search around until they find the right person. An important criterion is that we take the Fifth Step with someone experienced in listening to Fifth Steps, someone who has done it before, and knows what we're looking for, someone who can assist and lead us through the process." "Sometimes it's helpful to use word-of-mouth references to locate our Fifth Step person. If we're having trouble locating someone, if we feel stuck, we can ask around for references at our groups. We can also contact the local Intergroup office (the Twelve Steps headquarters) for the Twelve Step group we attend. If our group doesn't have a local Intergroup, we can contact Al- Anon." "Sometimes we find that the most troublesome things - for many of us, stealing something when we were younger; for others our flaws about ourselves and our lives - don't seem so bad once we get them into the light. We learn that nobody is perfect and nobody needs to be. But when something bothers us, we need to get it out into the light to be healed from it. If it's bothering us, we need to talk about it. And the more it bothers us, the more shame and self-hatred it causes, the more it controls us and our lives, the more important it is to bring it out." DAILY HONESTY "Another part of this Step, besides making an appointment and taking a formal Fifth Step, is learning to be appropriately vulnerable and honest with others about ourselves." "It is good for the soul to learn to reach out when we need to do that. We aren't a bother. We aren't a burden." "If we want to take down the walls in our relationships, we need to take down our walls. That is an effective and appropriate use of our power." ADMITTED TO GOD AND TO OURSELVES "We've talked about telling another person about our shortcomings, wrongs, mistakes, failures, secrets. We've talked about sharing ourselves with others - who we are, what we feel, want, need, think, and desire. There are two more parts to this Step." "We need to tell God about ourselves. Quietly, loudly, silently, during our morning meditation, our afternoon break, or our evening walk, we need to say, God, this is who I am. This is what I did. This is what I think. This is what I want. This is what I need. This is what I'm feeling. This is what I'm going through. This is what I'm worried about. These are my fears, my hopes. These are my old beliefs. This is what I think I can't deal with, what I can't do. This is what I need help with. Hey, God, this is me." "We need the power to be honest, open, and vulnerable with our Higher Power. When we can do that, we will achieve the highest form of spirituality." "We are not burdening God by bringing ourselves to God. That's what God wants. And God cares, that much." "Besides telling God, we need to tell ourselves who we are, what we want, what we have done, our wrongs, our secrets, our good points, our beliefs. We need to admit to ourselves what we are really feeling, what we fear, and who we are. We need to break through our own denial." "We need to be honest with ourselves." SETTING OURSELVES FREE "Even after we take formal Fourth and Fifth Steps, even after we take several, even when we are working hard at recovery and trying to stay honest, we have fears, limiting beliefs, and resentments. We make mistakes. Sometimes these are judgment calls we make during certain periods of our lives when we are afraid and trying to survive. Sometimes these are manipulations. Sometimes they cross the line into dishonesty. We do a thing we really are not comfortable with; we violate our own moral code; and we tuck away the guilty thing, and all the feelings that go with it, right down inside ourselves." "We may live with this for a period of time, barely noticing, until one day it emerges. There it stands, right before our eyes. We've got a new list of fears, or shame. We did something wrong, and we've been denying, justifying, and rationalizing it for a time - sometimes a long time. Then panic may strike. What do we do? Do we run and hide? Do we keep denying it? Or do we use these wonderful Steps as a tool to free ourselves from the darker side of being human?" "Thank God for these Steps. Thank God we no longer have to live in guilt and shame. Thank God we no longer have to try to be perfect. Thank God we no longer have to hide from ourselves and others. Thank God the gift of this program is healing, self-acceptance, and a bond - a deep connection with others, ourselves, and our Higher Power." "We are finally free to be who we are. We are trust that when and if we are to become more, that will happen by taking the simple actions called for in these Steps." THE CLEANSING STEPS "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Many people pair Steps Four and Five together because they are integrally connected. That's how we work them. That's how they find us." "Learn to allow Step Five to follow Step Four quickly in our lives. Learn to open up quickly, admit to God, a person, and ourselves, what it is we need to admit - a feeling, a belief, a discovery about ourselves, or some hidden wrongdoing from which we need relief, release, and healing." "These are cleansing Steps, freeing Steps." "The Fourth and Fifth Steps are our tools for releasing and healing ourselves. We write an inventory of what's bothering us, then we verbalize our part and our responsibility to another person, ourselves, and our Higher Power. We take responsibility for ourselves. We accept situations and ourselves the way we are." "The Fourth and Fifth Steps can be used as needed. We can do them formally, by writing an inventory and making an appointment to discuss it, or informally, whenever things arise in the course of our lives that need attention. These two Steps give us the formula for healing from our pasts, from our old negative beliefs, from repressed feelings, from mistakes, from all that we are striving to be healed from." "Learn to connect with ourselves honestly and emotionally, so we can do the same with others." "Be open to using the process, the tools defined in the Fourth and Fifth Steps. Do this to initiate change and healing in ourselves, trusting that it will bring positive results; harmony with others and good feelings about ourselves. When we are confused about our part in an incident or who to talk to about it, wait for guidance, but do not wait too long." "These Steps give us permission to be who we are, to forgive and love ourselves, and to forgive and love others. These Steps give us a formula for self-care in relationships: looking within, and honesty with self, God, and others." "The Fifth Step gives us permission to be human, vulnerable, and honest. It gives us permission to have emotions." "This is the telling-the-truth Step. Use it as often as necessary. This is the Step that will set us free." 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Six and Seven are perhaps the most unnoticed, unused, mistrusted Steps in the Twelve. They are also some of the most powerful. These are the Steps whereby we become transformed. These are the Steps that actually change us." OUR PROTECTIVE DEVICES "... this philosophy doesn't give anyone permission to continue to harm themselves or another person, but it seems more compassionate." "Whether we call them defects of character or our protective devices, what are we looking at in this Step? What are we becoming ready to ask God to heal us from? What are we becoming willing to let go of?" "Our tight grasp on people. Controlling. Manipulation. Our fears. Old feelings that may be clogging us up. Negative, limiting beliefs. Worry. The need to blame our pain on others. Waiting to be happy" "We become ready to let go of our fear of being controlled - which for many of us is as great, or greater than, our desire to control or manipulate another. We let go of allowing others to control us, our lives, or our happiness." "We become ready to let go of our caretaking - our tendency to focus on the problems, issues, feelings, needs, choices, and lives of another; the underlying belief that we are responsible for others." "We become willing to be healed from the issues underlying caretaking: weak or inappropriate boundaries or limits; an unclear sense of self, self-responsibility, and the responsibilities of others." "We become willing to be healed from the belief that others, or ourselves, are incompetent and cannot take care of us." "We become ready to let go of: Low self-esteem. Our self-neglect, and the belief we aren't responsible for ourselves and cannot take care of ourselves. Our desire to have others take care of, or be responsible for us. Self-rejection. Self-hatred. Lack of self-trust. Lack of trust in God, life, and the process of recovery. Our trust issues with people - inappropriately placed trust and not trusting when it is appropriate. Our addictions. Guilt. Shame - that pervading sense that who we are is not okay"
"We become ready to let go of our inability to own our
power, to think, feel, be who we are, take care of ourselves, and enjoy life.
We become ready to let go of our difficulty with setting appropriate
boundaries and limits with people."
"We become ready to let go of our reluctance to feel and deal with our feelings:" "Our difficulty dealing with and expressing anger Our inability to experience joy and love Our negativity, hopelessness, and despair Our fear of joy and love Our fear of commitment A closed mind, or a closed heart Our attraction to unavailable people and dysfunctional systems Our need to be in dysfunctional relationships and systems Our need to be perfect Our abuse from childhood Our need to be victims and our participation in our own victimization" "We become ready to let go of our fear of intimacy and closeness, and our relationship- sabotaging behaviors. We become willing to let go of our problems and fears with sexuality." "We become ready to let go of our blocks and barriers to joy and love, even when we cannot name those blocks and barriers. We ask God to take away everything that stands in the way of us having all we deserve in our lives. We ask God to show us the blocks or defects we need to be willing to let go of, and help us become willing to let go of them all." "We become ready to be healed from our pasts, from unresolved feelings of guilt, anger, hurt, and grief over the many losses we've endured. We become ready to let go of the negative beliefs that we latched onto as a result of our pasts: that we're unlovable, a disappointment, a burden, not good enough, stupid, unworthy, a problem, and a bother." "We become ready to let go of all of our "don't deserves": don't deserve love, happiness, success. Don't deserve a new hat, a new coat, a new car. Don't deserve to be heard, cared for, have fun, or enjoy life." "We get ready to let go of the entire codependent package. Whatever we uncovered in our work on our Fourth and Fifth Steps, whatever we become aware of during the daily course of our recoveries, whatever we don't like, don't want, can't stand, feel helpless about, and want to be done with, we become willing to let go of." "Anything that is no longer useful; any behavior or belief that gets in our way - these are what we become ready to release." "The deeper we're willing to go, the deeper the healing we will receive." "Do not limit the use of this Step to defects. This Step works on feelings, and feelings aren't defects. If we get stuck in a particular feeling, especially fear, anger, resentment, grief, or sadness, we can become willing to let go of that."
"There is no behavior too large or too small to be worked
on in this Step. When we take this Step, when we become entirely ready to
have God remove our protective devices, we are on the way to becoming
changed."
BECOMING READY TO LET GO "If there is any struggle to recovery, if there is a difficult, frustrating, grueling part, it can be when we become aware of the devices that once protected us but have now become self- defeating. It is when we become ready to let go." "We may have spent years behaving in a certain way without having any awareness of, or experiencing noticeable consequences from, this behavior. Then, suddenly, it becomes time to change. We begin to notice that behavior. We bump into it, over and over again. We begin to feel the pain from that behavior, the helplessness, the hopelessness, our own inability to change. And we wonder how things will or can ever be any different." "That's when it's time to remind ourselves that we are changing. Right now, we are in the process of becoming changed. That's how this program of recovery works." "That's how we become ready. We bet pelleted, sometimes bombed, by awareness. That's how life gets our attention. Awareness. Acceptance. And change. Our part in this process is becoming ready to let go, becoming ready to have God take it from us." "We can start where we are and with who we are, and that is good enough for this program to work. We can ask for help getting ready to let go." "Becoming ready to let go is not something that can be taught. But it is something that each of us can learn, through practice. Don't worry. If we stay in recovery circles long enough, we will." "The readiness will be worked out in us." "We can rely on the Step. We can trust what happens when we take this Step. If we aren't ready or willing to let go of our defects or any person or anything, we can ask our Higher Power to help us become willing and ready." THE LETTING GO STEP "This is not a do-it-ourselves program. We are not abdicating self-responsibility. But we are learning to trust God, trust this process, and trust ourselves. When it is time to change, we will become changed. We will receive the power, help, and ability to do that. For now, our part is becoming ready to let go." "Lessons don't go away. They keep repeating themselves until we learn. In fact, when it's time to change, it becomes harder to stay than it does to change." "This Step gives us permission to relax, trust, and become willing. It gives us permission to be who we are and let this process of change happen to us." "Alcoholics Anonymous (the Big Book) suggests that after doing our Fifth Step, we seclude ourselves and ask God to remove our defects of character, our shortcomings. It's important to take this Step, and take it big, after doing a Fourth and Fifth Step." "This is the letting-go Step. It is the beginning of transformation. It begins the process of receiving what we want and need from our Higher Power. Become ready to let go of all that stands in our way, of all that bothers, troubles, defeats, or perplexes us, of all that we cannot control. Become ready to let go of what we don't want any more and what we truly desire. Then, move on to the Seventh Step and watch what happens." 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. "Yes, there are some things about us - about you and me - that we need to get rid of. But we need to keep who we are, ourselves, our inherent personalities, and the traits and qualities and idiosyncrasies that make us special and unique." HUMBLY ASK GOD "Aside from our fear about what will happen to us if we are without our defects and what it means to have our defects removed, there is really only one idea in this Step to discuss. We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. That does not mean we holler at God to change us. It does not mean we demand. It does not mean we have to whimper, grovel, beg, plead, or incessantly ask." "What this Step means is we acknowledge God is the power. We acknowledge the difference between God and ourselves: God is all-powerful; we aren't and don't have to be. Some things we just can't do ourselves. Changing ourselves is one of those things." "So we ask God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves." "We humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings." "It helps to say "please"." TRUSTING THE PROCESS "It is a gradual process, a healing process, and a spiritual process. It doesn't hurt, at least not any more than necessary to heal us from past hurts or to get our attention. It is a palatable process, and even the pain becomes palatable, once we become willing to feel instead of resist, once we become willing to surrender." "..... I struggled for a while - with myself. I'd try to stop but find myself unable to. Or, I'd stop the behavior but I'd still want to do it. I'd try harder. Fail. Then finally surrender. I'd stop flailing about and let myself be." "That's when gifts came. Gifts like detachment. Letting go. Realizing deep within me that I couldn't control another. That doesn't mean I did it perfectly or that the gifts all came at once. But over the years, letting go gradually replaced the need to control." "It doesn't mean the need and desire to control doesn't come back." "Some of that we accept. Stay alert. Become more aware. Catch ourselves. But let ourselves learn and grow. Develop a certain gentleness and compassion with ourselves, for our humanness. Let the transformation happen." "A desire to control to control can be tempered with appropriate boundaries and respect and then channeled into management and leadership abilities." "All the energy we put into despising and disliking ourselves can be turned positive, can be used to love ourselves." "Some of the endless caretaking and care giving we gave away to the world can be turned toward us, until we truly learn to love and take care of ourselves." "The longer we work these Steps, the better perspective on ourselves and our pasts we'll gain. The more fully we allow healing to take place concerning our pasts, the more we will see and be open to receiving the gifts from our past." "Once we work through our bitterness, we will be able to receive the gift from each relationship, even the most painful ones." "We will be healed. Self-love and love for others will come to us. Perhaps the most healing gift of all is self-acceptance, an immediate, ever-present acceptance of self, of all we are and have been, and of all we have been through. The more we can accept ourselves, the more we will naturally evolve into who we are destined to become." "This Step does not absolve us of self-responsibility. But we don't have to worry or fret. We don't have to force our recoveries. We don't have to abase or criticize ourselves further because we are unable to change something about ourselves. Our primary task is acceptance and self- love. From that place, all good things will happen and come to us." "The process will work, and it will work it's magic on us, if we allow that to happen. Sometimes it works even when we resist. We will find ourselves being changed, right down to the core of ourselves, in ways that we could not do for ourselves." "And it happens naturally, if we let it." "This Step gives us permission to be who we are. We say please help me. Please change me. From that moment on, we can be who we are and let the changes happen." "Yes, we do have a part in this process. That part is applying ourselves to the Steps. There are tasks at hand, and we will be shown and helped to do whatever it is we are to do, when we are to do it. But the task in this Step is simple. This is the "humbly asking God for what we need" Step. It gives us permission to come as we are and bring our needs and desires to our Higher Power. We say please, then trust that we have been heard." THE TRANSFORMATION STEPS "Steps Six and Seven are the transformation Steps." "Become willing. Become open. Say please. And cherish who you are now, in this moment." "Nothing, nothing, can interfere with the good that is coming your way in life, and in this program called recovery." "This Step does not eliminate us. It embraces and brings together the beauty of that innocent, natural child in each of us and combines it with the wisdom of our experiences. It enables us to realize our potential fully." "Our gifts will become enhanced and accentuated. Our idiosyncrasies will become acceptable, at times laughable. Our negatives will be illuminated, lightened, eliminated, or made bearable." "Ask God to help us. Ask God to change us. Ask God to heal us. Become entirely ready to have God heal us, then humbly ask God to do that. That is the essence of the Sixth and Seventh Steps." "And they are the core of our healing." 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. "In this chapter we're going to explore how to use this Step to further our health and growth, as this Step applies to our codependency. There are two pertinent ideas in this Step: making a list, and becoming willing to make amends to everyone on it." MAKING OUR LISTS "As we work this Step the first list we may want to make is a list of those who have harmed or wronged us. I understand this is a controversial idea and not what the Step says. I understand this is a controversial idea and not what the Step says. But I have a plan for this list and some ideas about helpful amends that I'll discuss in the next chapter." "We have been wronged. We have allowed ourselves to be harmed. Sometimes, as children, we had no choice and no way to protect ourselves. Sometimes we feel wronged by many, and not just as children. Who hurt us? Who do we feel victimized, mistreated, used, or abused us? Who has rejected us, spurned us, caused us pain? Who do we resent, fear, or avoid because they have hurt us? Who are we rejecting because of what the other person has done and because of our inability to take care of ourselves with that person?" "Make a list. Put every name you can think of on that list. If you have done your inventory work thoroughly, you should have gotten most of the details and grievances out of yourself. If you find new thoughts emerging and need time to write about them, do so." "Once you have finished that list, put it aside. Take out another sheet of paper and make your second list. This list is just as important as the first one. This is the list of people you have harmed." "Now we are entering into some exacting, focused work. Often, it is helpful to pray for Divine Guidance and wisdom as we embark on this project. Who, exactly, have we harmed with our codependent behaviors? Do not suppress yourself by worrying now if you are going to have to apologize to these people or what you are going to say, or whether you will look foolish. It is not yet time to address those issues. For now, we are focusing on making a detailed list of those we have harmed." "As we make this list, be firm but compassionate with ourselves. Avoid wallowing in guilt. Feeling guilty and ashamed is not the purpose of this list. Being done with guilt and shame is our goal here." "Do not be obsessive. Do not become unduly entangled in irrelevancies or imagined shortcomings. Look at your behavior in a quiet frame of mind and allow the names to emerge that need to be on your list." "Now, let's move on to finances. To whom do you owe money as a result of your codependency? Put their names on the list. Perhaps we have borrowed and not repaid. We many have lied or manipulated to get money that was not legitimately ours out of fear or a need to survive." "Perhaps we got so enmeshed in our codependency that we neglected our fiscal responsibilities. Put the names of the people we - not someone else - owe money to." "As we consider and make this list, strive for a peaceful balanced frame of mind. If guilt or anxiety overtakes us, put pencil or pen down, stop, and retreat into a peaceful place. When our balance has been restored and we are making our lists from peace, acceptance, and compassion for ourselves, return to work." "This Step requires soul-searching. It is not a Step to punish us nor is it a Step to remind us of our need to feel guilty. It is a Step to set us free from guilt, anxiety, and discord." "We need to be open to guidance as we work this Step. Often, our tendency is to feel guilty about everything we've ever done and anyone we've come in contact with. Much of what we're feeling that we call codependency is unearned guilt. If we find ourselves enmeshed in unearned guilt, it may help to make a separate list: people we haven't harmed but feel guilty about anyway. Sometimes if we have an abundance of unearned guilt with a particular person, we may want to look behind the unearned guilt and see if there is some hurt or anger lurking there, anger disguising itself as guilt." "Now we are approaching our third list. It is as important as the other two we have made; maybe this one is the most important. For years I have heard this idea bandied about in recovery circles, but we need to take action on it, particularly as it relates to recovery from codependency. The name that goes on that third list is our own name." "We are usually the people we have harmed the most with our codependency. We are the people we most need to become willing to make amends to. By repressing our feelings and thoughts, neglecting ourselves, criticizing ourselves, shaming ourselves, denying reality, being so frightened, holding ourselves down, pushing ourselves back, believing absolutely undemanding, we have certainly done ourselves wrong." "Denying and depriving ourselves is wrong. Not trusting ourselves or listening to ourselves is wrong. Not loving ourselves is wrong." "Allowing ourselves to be lied to and deceived to the point that we no longer listen to or heed our instincts is wrong. Thinking we're crazy and bad for surviving is wrong. Holding other people's issues or inappropriate behaviors against ourselves is wrong." "Allowing ourselves to be abused or mistreated is wrong - regardless of the degree of abuse. It is not okay to let ourselves be talked to or touched inappropriately."
"It is simply not okay to allow ourselves to be
victimized."
"Neglecting ourselves is wrong. Ignoring what we want and need, sometimes to the point that our minds, bodies, and souls rebel by getting sick, is wrong." "Neglecting or diminishing our gifts and talents is wrong." "Being ashamed of ourselves is wrong." "Harboring anger and resentment toward ourselves is devastating. We can spend a lifetime punishing ourselves and allowing others to hurt us, too." "Every behavior we list as codependent is in truth a wrong done toward ourselves. Sometimes it involves a wrong done to someone else, too. We need to be absolutely honest about both. Until we do, we will not have the map for the rest of our recovery." "This is the Step where we come to terms with that idea. This is the Step where we list all persons we have harmed. Until our name goes, in ink, on that list, our lists and our recoveries will be incomplete." "It may be helpful to take this Step in small spurts. Guilt and anxiety are our weak points, anyway. Let your list be an ongoing project, adding to it as names and incidents enter your awareness. Work on it a little each day. Then do something peaceful and relaxing immediately afterward. Read a meditation book. Call a friend. Do something to uplift your spirits." "Caution: There is no reason to feel guilty or prepare to make an amend, if what we have done is to take care of ourselves. Saying no, setting a limit, not allowing ourselves to be used and abused, saying how we feel, taking care of ourselves, and beginning or continuing on a recovery course are not wrongs we have done. Often, we tend to feel guilty about these behaviors because that is part of changing ourselves and because we are breaking old dysfunctional rules that tell us not to do that. We do not have to apologize for appropriately taking care of ourselves." "The goal of this Step is to be honest with ourselves, not unduly hard on ourselves. For many of us, being too hard on ourselves, too critical, is a problem we associate with codependency. Often, making this list can be a relief. After thinking through and taking this Step, many of us find that much of our guilt has been unearned. Often, we come up with a few behaviors we truly do not feel good about. Sometimes more. But this Step is here to help us. It helps us clarify exactly what we have or have not done and sets us on the path to taking care of ourselves. The point in doing this Step is not to make ourselves feel guilty. It is to uncover any guilt we're already feeling or running from, then remove it." "The purpose of this Step is to restore us to right relationships - with ourselves and other people. By the time we've completed this portion of this Step, we may have three lists: people who have harmed us; people we have harmed; and the list with our names on it. Now it is time to put our pencils or pens down and do the spiritual work required by this Step: achieve willingness to make amends." BECAME WILLING: "What does it mean to "become willing to make amends to them all?" This Step calls for a change of heart. It asks us to drop our defenses, our protective devices, and to begin to seek peace and healing in all our relationships." "It does not mean we go back into dysfunctional relationships or systems. It does not mean we stop taking care of ourselves, even if others claim that our self-care has harmed them. It means we search out our indiscretions toward self and others. It means we become willing to seek peace and reparation in all our relationships, past and present." "This Step asks us for a change of heart, so that our hearts can be healed and opened to love. Do not fear the amend. For now, do not think about the amend. Contemplate willingness, a willingness to take care of ourselves with people." "We will not be asked or required to do anything foolhardy or inappropriate. All we are becoming willing to do is make appropriate amends, to take responsibility for our inappropriate behaviors toward others and toward ourselves." "How can we learn to love until we become ready to take responsibility for our part?" "Healing begins within us. It begins with a thought, a vision, a feeling of willingness. A great chain of healing and love begins when we make the decision to take care of ourselves with people and to come to a place of peace about our relationships. We take ourselves out from under the control and influence of others and their addictions; we align ourselves with recovery, ourselves, and our Higher Power." "We are beginning to own our power in new ways, ways that we have not known before. We are taking ourselves out of anxiety, shame, and guilt, and stepping into peace." "We have stopped fussing over others. We have taken the risk to look within. Now, we are asked to take an even greater risk - that of quietly, but clearly, accepting responsibility for ourselves, and our behaviors." "This Step, and the next, heals our relationships with ourselves and others." "We are on our way to learning to own our power in any circumstance and in any situation. We are learning how to stop allowing others to victimize us and to stop victimizing ourselves. We are giving up our victim role." "We are part of a new consciousness. It is this recovery work that each of us is doing that will stop the chain of victimization and abuse - not just in our lives, but in those around us. Many of us have wanted to change the world. Well, we are - simply and quietly, by doing our own work and our own healing." VICTIMS NO MORE "There is a quiet, honest place that this Step takes us to, a place of dropping defenses and pride, a place where we shed victimization. We become willing to clean our slate, in peace and honesty." "Take this Step as soon as possible after making your list. Take it whenever bitterness, resentment, victimization, or fear enter in. Take it whenever you seek and desire peace and healing with yourself and with others. We do not have to do this Step too soon. We do not have to do it until we are ready. But when it is time, we do not want to procrastinate." "This Step gives us permission to stop fighting with others and ourselves. We can learn about ourselves and then grow and move forward from that lesson. We can love, forgive, and be forgiven, and accept all that has happened." "Do not worry about doing this Step well enough. Do not use it to make yourself feel guilty. Use the list you have in your heart or on paper. Then open yourself to willingness." "All this Step asks us to do is make a list, then become willing to honestly take care of ourselves and our behaviors with people. Regardless of the part played by another, we are now free to identify, own, and take responsibility for ourselves." 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This Step is about "making peace with ourselves and others. That is the purpose of amends." TAKING OUT THE LISTS "This Step takes us a major leap forward in establishing boundaries - the difference between us and another person, the difference between our behavior and another's. It also grounds us in what will become a new way of life: allowing other people to have their paths and issues and learning to have our own. In this Step, we learn to own our power to take responsibility for ourselves and our conduct in relationships." "A fringe benefit of this Step is that we can now feel good about our conduct in relationships and can set ourselves free from conduct we feel uncomfortable with." "If you have done your work in the other Steps, you have a list of people. If you have done the work as suggested in Step Eight of this book, you have three lists: people who have harmed you; people you have harmed, and the person you may have harmed most - yourself." "You may not have a written list, but if you have been relating to people, you have a list. Any relationship, past or present, you don't feel good about; any person, including yourself, you're harboring troubled, unresolved feelings about; any relationship that brings discord to mind or heart; all are on this list. These relationships are blocking your heart and your ability to love." "Denial does not count here. If you have strife or unresolved issues, even if you are denying the feelings, they are on the list. Let's take a look, now, at what can be done to shred the lists." DEALING WITH THOSE WHO HAVE HARMED US "The first category of amends we'll discuss is amends to people who have harmed us. I know, I know. This sounds peculiar and a bit codependent. Bear with me." "If someone has harmed us and we have not dealt with the incident, we have discord in our hearts. So how do we approach this list? Not, my friends, with denial." "Our goal in this list is to forgive each person who has harmed us, but first we must do something important. We must work through, and experience fully, our feelings. We must clearly identify and accept the abuse. We need to figure out what our new behaviors and responses to others need to be, so the abuse or mistreatment doesn't continue. And then we will be led into forgiveness." "This is a grieving process done in stages that begins with denial and moves us into anger and sadness." "An important part of this process is figuring out what we need to do to take care of ourselves in the future with this person or anyone else who would inflict similar abuse or mistreatment on us. We cannot avoid all loss or all mistreatment in recovery, despite our intentions. But most often, when I look back over incidents where I have been mistreated, there is an important lesson there for me. The process isn't complete until I open myself to that lesson and resolve to practice it in the future. Often, the lesson is learning to own my power to take care of myself with people." "Sometimes the lesson is establishing boundaries. Sometimes the lesson is learning to say no. Sometimes the lesson is learning our power and respect and trust our feelings, wants, and needs. Sometimes the lesson isn't clear, and all we can do is accept that the incident happened." "Sometimes, as part of this process, we may want to confront a person on a particular issue - not to blame, shame, or extract an apology from them, but to state clearly our new boundaries with them and to let them know we've been violated. Sometimes we're wasting our time by opening our mouths. We may want to ask for guidance here. Our friends, our sponsor, and our Higher Power can help us determine what course of conduct is right in each situation." "Forgiving a person does not give them permission to continue treating us poorly. If we are trying to forgive someone, and instead we feel angry and mistrustful, we may not have explored our feelings sufficiently or done the lesson work necessary for forgiveness. Occasionally, when we do this kind of work, ideas about our part in the incident may become clearer. If that happens and we realize we have had a part in the incident for which we need to make an amend, we can add that name to our second list." "Our goal is to forgive and forget the incident, when we have accepted and healed from it. We strive to remember only our lesson from the experience. We learn we can be grateful, for many have come into our lives to help us learn and grow - sometimes through opposition, sometimes through love, sometimes by reflecting to us what we need to work on in ourselves." MAKING AMENDS TO THOSE WE HAVE HARMED "It is now time to take out the list of people we have harmed by our behaviors. Now we are approaching some direct amends. We are getting ready to say, "This is what I did, and I'm sorry," in word and behavior. These are the people to whom we did something inappropriate, people we need to take care of ourselves with because we did something wrong. We may have lied, manipulated, used, abused, controlled, or inappropriately expressed anger to these people. In some way, these people suffered from our code pendent behaviors, and now we are trying to make things right. We are on our way to freeing ourselves from guilt, taking responsibility for ourselves, removing ourselves as victims, and restoring these relationships." "Sometimes an amend requires direct contact with the person. We say what we did and then apologize for our conduct. We do not talk about what the other person did. We do not justify or rationalize what we did. If we need to explain briefly, we may. The fewer words we use, the better. The most important ones are, "This is what I did, and I'm sorry." "Sometimes our amends are immediate amends. They are amends that can and should be made right now." "Sometimes these amends are "future" amends. For a variety of reasons, it may be better to let some time pass before going to that person. Maybe feelings are at an all-time high; maybe we are not yet clear on exactly what our part was; maybe we are not yet entirely ready. For whatever reason, the timing is not right. So we wait, but we have a reasonable deadline in mind." "Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. We need to make restitutions by changing how we behave toward someone. Of course, we cannot and do not need to promise perfection, but a sincere desire to handle ourselves differently helps. We may decide we need to change our behaviors with children, a spouse, a loved one, or a friend." "Sometimes our amends are financial amends. We need to make restitution in more than words or changed behavior. We need to pay back money. Many of us begin recovery from codependency strapped with huge financial burdens." "The debts are usually the result of our participating in a dysfunctional relationship, getting in over our heads, then finding ourselves - not our partner - strapped with the financial burden when the relationship ends. Sometimes we borrow to help the other person out. Sometimes financial unmanageability becomes part and parcel of the codependent package." "The willingness to take responsibility for our current financial problems is critical to recovery. Many of us have allowed ourselves to be terribly financially victimized by another. That's a hard blow to take, but if we are going to recover, we must begin now to bring reparation and healing to that area of our lives." "We do whatever we can to bring fairness and equity to the situation. If there is any way to relieve ourselves of financial responsibility that belongs to someone else, we take steps to do that. That is part of making amends to ourselves. As much as possible, we take steps to insure that each one of us is financially responsible for himself or herself. We no longer allow ourselves to be further victimized or martyred." "Sometimes, in order to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we do end up biting the proverbial bullet. Sometimes our credit is shot. Sometimes we are stuck with another's debt whether we like it or not." "Financial responsibility is an important part of recovery. We can faithfully and responsibly do what we can as we are able." "There are some amends we cannot make. The person may be deceased or simply unavailable. We can discuss those amends with our Higher Power, then let go of them." "Attitude, honesty, openness, and willingness count here. In peace and harmony, we can strive to clear up our discord in making amends. We quietly go about facing people and taking responsibility for our behaviors - understanding that we are not diminishing our self-esteem by making amends but improving it." "We don't grovel to make amends. We don't have to let someone abuse, manipulate, or mistreat us in the process of making amends. We quietly go about the task of taking care of ourselves with people in an attitude of self-respect. This is a program of forgiveness, not penance." "We can make our amends clearly, directly, and cleanly. Making an amend to someone doesn't mean we have to allow ourselves to become hooked into them again. It doesn't mean we surrender and submit to mistreatment from them." "Often, the shorter the amend, the better. The cleaner and clearer, the better. The more direct, the better. The more it comes from the heart, the better. The more it is led by Divine Guidance, the better." "Once we make an amend, the other person isn't responsible for clearing away our residue of fear, guilt, or shame. It is our job to let go of the incident, not theirs. On the other hand, we are not responsible for feelings the other person may have about the incident. That isn't our job. Our part is to make a direct amend, then do whatever work we need to do on ourselves to be done with our shame and guilt." "We can forgive ourselves and let go of the incident." "We can be gentle with ourselves." "After taking this Step, we can consider the issue resolved and let it go. If the process involves changing behavior, we do not need to punish ourselves by feeling guilty until we have changed completely or "perfectly". We can identify what we have done, make an amend, and be finished with our guilt." "We also don't want to apologize when we haven't done anything wrong. For many reasons, we may get into the habit of apologizing when it isn't necessary. A sense of shame can keep us apologizing for being alive, being here, and being who we are. Some of us many feel like a bother and apologize for nearly every interaction we have. This is not the purpose of this Step." "But we do not have to get "codependent" about our apologies. We don't have to apologize for our anger - only the inappropriate behaviors surrounding our anger. We don't have to apologize for taking care of ourselves, dealing with feelings, setting boundaries, having, fun, feeling good, or becoming healthy. We don't have to apologize because people are trying to control us and induce guilt in us. We don't have to apologize for being, for being here, or for being who we are." "We don't have to apologize for not wanting to be abused or mistreated. If we're doing all the apologizing for other people's behavior, it doesn't leave room for the people who truly need to apologize to do that." "We don't have to repeat our apologies. That's annoying. If someone wants to keep extracting an apology from us for the same incident, that's their issue, and we don't have to get hooked. If we feel like we need to continue apologizing, we may want to go back to the drawing board and figure out what's really going on." "Sometimes, we don't live up to our own expectations. That's human. That's why we have the words, "I'm sorry." They heal, and bridge the gap." "But we don't have to say we are sorry if we didn't do anything wrong." MAKING AMENDS TO OURSELVES "We've talked about our amends on the first two lists. Now let's move on to the last list - the amends we owe ourselves. It can be difficult to approach others and apologize. It can be quite a task to forgive others for what they have done wrong to us. But making amends to ourselves, forgiving ourselves, can be the hardest part of our program." "All of recovery - all of what we are going through - has to do with making an amend to ourselves. Giving ourselves permission to have our feelings is an amend. Giving ourselves permission to be alive and be happy is an amend. Taking gentle, compassionate, loving care of ourselves is an amend." "Learning to set boundaries, be direct, and stop defeating and victimizing ourselves is an amend. Learning to stop expecting perfection of ourselves, own our power, and be who we are is an amend to ourselves." "Learning to listen to and trust ourselves is an important amend. Learning to trust our instincts and value our feelings and needs is an amend." "We may have many amends to make to that frightened, abused, or neglected child within us - amends for being so critical, negligent, and shameful. We owe ourselves an apology and changed behavior for not allowing ourselves to receive the love and nurturing we need, especially from ourselves." "There is a frightened, vulnerable child within each of us, but there is also a powerful healer, protector, and nurturer within that can take care of that child and help it and ourselves heal." "We need to begin addressing ourselves in a loving way, a way that will enable us to heal, a way that is self-respecting, self-trusting, nourishing, and nurturing - and a way that is respectful of others." "As with our other amends, the process begins with willingness, with doing what is obvious, and with asking for and receiving Divine Guidance in the process." "We will be shown all we need to do to take care of ourselves with others and to begin taking loving care of ourselves, if we are open to that. We will be set free from our anger and resentments toward others and ourselves. We will be healed. That is the miracle of this process. Everything we need will come to us when we are ready for it." LOVING AND FORGIVING OTHERS "This is the Step where we apologize to ourselves and others, but we do more than apologize. We clearly own and take responsibility for our behaviors toward ourselves and others. This Step gives us permission to be who we are now and to be who we once were. It gives us permission to forgive ourselves and feel good about being who we are - regardless of what we have done." "It wipes the slate clean and gives us an alternative to feeling guilty and ashamed. We can now experience self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-acceptance - based on self-responsibility." "We have been given a gift in all of the Steps, but we've been given a special gift in Steps Four through Nine. The gift is a clear process for freeing ourselves from guilt and shame, for forgiving ourselves, and for correcting those behaviors that need correcting." "These Steps mean we no longer have to punish ourselves. We no longer have to feel terrified or ashamed about our behavior - whether it is a minute slip or a major indiscretion. We have a special formula, now, for freeing ourselves from mistakes and imperfections and for creating harmony in our relationships." "We cannot control the other person and how he or she feels about us. But a powerful chain of healing is set in motion when we take responsibility for ourselves. When guilt hits, when shame hits, when an old belief or an old behavior we visited on ourselves arises, we now know we have a choice." "We can repress or deny, which for many of us is our old way of reacting. We can become defensive, we can run, we can hide. Or we can embrace this formula of looking within, identifying our part, talking to another person and God about the incident, admitting it to ourselves, becoming willing to make an amend, then actively making that amend." "Then, we can let it go. We can let go of the largest and smallest guilts we have. We can forgive ourselves and we can forgive others." "These Steps tell us we don't have to be perfect. There is safety and comfort in this formula for self-care - these Steps. They tell us we can love and accept all of ourselves and accept our pasts - as long as we are willing to take responsibility for ourselves." "Denying a wrongdoing toward ourselves or others doesn't make the wrongdoing or the guilt go away." "This Step does." "Take it. Trust it. And let guilt go. When we have taken the actions called for in these Steps, we are free to do that. It is not a punitive Step. It is not a Step to be feared. Like the other Steps, when we make a human effort to work it, we will be rewarded with a spiritual bonus. As one recovering man said, "We will receive the grace we need to live comfortably with ourselves, others, and our pasts." THE NUTS-AND-BOLTS STEPS "Now we have finished with what many in recovery call the nuts-and-bolts Steps. Often we will find ourselves instinctively returning to the Step we need. Go there freely as often as necessary." "Go there whenever you need the healing that this, or any Step, has to offer. There are many things in life that can't be trusted. But we can trust these Steps, and they are always there for us. Do not worry about working this Step too soon: It will find you when you are ready. You will find yourself in places, with people, in circumstances, and it will be time to begin taking care of yourself with people." "We will begin to see how we have been treating ourselves inappropriately, too. Often these insights are gradual. We receive the insights, the direction for change, and the opportunity to make amends, as we are ready to handle them. Trust timing. Trust the process. Trust the Steps. Trust what will happen if we work them." 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. "This Step gives me permission to walk away, cool down, apologize for my part, and let go of the incident." "This Step gives me permission to accept my current state and move forward without blaming or shaming myself." "This Step gives me permission to accept who I am and learn my lesson from the relationship." "This Step gives me permission to notice and accept that I am not owning my power. It gives me permission to begin doing that, without casting judgment on myself or another." "This Step gives me permission to identify when have become angry at myself again or begun to neglect myself - my feelings and needs." "This Step gives me the freedom to admit promptly when I have gotten off course, so that I can get back on track with my program of self-care." "This Step also means that I am free to take a few moments each day and focus on and enjoy what I have done right - then feel good about that." CONTINUED TO TAKE PERSONAL INVENTORY "If we have done our work on the Steps, we have progressed through that kind of thinking. We may fall back into it on occasion, but at least now we know what we're doing, and we know that it is an illusion. Many of us began our recovery journey because of what someone we loved was or wasn't doing. We came into this program because of that kind of thinking. Then, the First Step grounded us in a new way of thinking, a new way of approaching life, others, and ourselves." "By the time we made it to the Fourth Step, we were ready to begin focusing inwardly. We were ready to begin soul-searching. We started to take a look at ourselves and what was going on with us. We began to look at how we habitually responded to life, instead of focusing on what was going on with others." "The process we went through in Steps Four and Five took us on a housecleaning tour of ourselves. We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood God. Then we cleared out the package we had turned over." "Now we have been given this Step, a maintenance Step, to help us continue this process of looking within. This Step doesn't ask us to go after ourselves continually with a hammer and chisel. It doesn't tell us we have to walk through life holding ourselves under a microscope, hyper vigilantly watching all that we say and do, waiting with bated breath to criticize and punish ourselves." "It does give us permission to continue to be aware of ourselves - and, when we are wrong, to admit and deal with that promptly." "This Step asks us to continue the process of using our intellect, our wisdom, and recovery wisdom to review and inventory ourselves. We want to trust our feelings, but we must also call our intellect into play, so we don't get lost in the swell of unearned guilt and defensiveness." ADMITTING WHEN WE'RE WRONG "For years, when I would feel hurt or angry, I'd run to God and ask God to forgive me. I would feel ashamed and contrite for feeling angry, for feeling hurt - for feeling. "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned," was my motto each time I had any kind of disruptive feeling toward another. I looked at myself and my feelings as something outside and apart from my Higher Power." "Then I would feel confused and guilty when the feelings didn't go away. When the other person's behavior continued, so did my feelings." "It took me a long time - I'm still learning this lesson - to realize that my feelings are often how my Higher Power speaks to me and tries to get my attention about a lesson I need to learn. That lesson may be setting boundaries, owning my power, or learning something about myself and relationships. My feelings are not incidentals. They are an important part of me, my life, and what I need to be paying attention to." "At the least, they are to be fully experienced before I move forward. Life, and my Higher Power, will often pellet me successively with similar circumstances - designed to provoke a certain emotion. I used to think that not feeling the emotion was what was expected of me. Now, I'm learning to surrender with more ease and dignity to the emotion as a necessary and important part of the experience." CONTINUING TO LOVE OURSELVES "There is another area of our lives where our inventory may lead to the discovery of a wrongdoing that requires prompt admission. This area is one of wrongdoings toward ourselves. Not acknowledging and feeling our feelings, not setting the boundaries we need to set, not paying attention to ourselves, not trusting ourselves, not respecting ourselves, not listening to ourselves - these are wrongdoings that need prompt attention." "Being angry at ourselves, and punishing ourselves, is a wrongdoing." "Self-neglect is wrong." "Self-neglect can become habitual for those os us who have spent many years practicing codependency. It is much easier for me, in any given situation, to shut down my emotions and neglect myself than it is for me to value and trust myself and my emotions. This is something we need to watch for in our inventories." "Getting hooked into caretaking, focusing on another, and neglecting our own emotions and needs can be another instinctive response we might want to watch for." "Trying to control the course of our relationships, rather than allowing them to unfold and taking care of ourselves in the process, is another behavior to be on the lookout for." "Not being emotionally honest about our needs and wants — with ourselves or others - is a wrongdoing." "Forgetting or neglecting to treat ourselves with a nurturing attitude is an area that we may want to watch for. Often, our initial response to any given situation is to be harsh, demanding, critical, and shaming of ourselves. That, my friend, is doing wrong." "Not nurturing and taking care of the child within is a wrongdoing. Looking to others, rather than ourselves, to take care of, to protect, to nurture that frightened, needy child is a wrongdoing that can lead us into desperate and codependent gestures in our relationships and our lives." "Falling back into a deprived and martyred way of living is a wrongdoing. Allowing others to control us or our lives is a wrongdoing." "This Step tells us that making mistakes is expected and anticipated." A TIME TO INVENTORY
"Some people in recovery prefer to take this Step nightly.
When they retire for the evening, they review their day and their conduct. If
something arises during that review, they make a mental note to deal with it.
That may mean dealing with feelings, being honest with someone, telling
someone they're sorry, or making an amend to themselves. We may need to go
back to another Step to help us in our inventories. If we are open, we will
know what to do. We have begun a process that we can trust, a process that
will continually support us in our growth. This program and these Steps will
not abandon us."
"Some of us like to take this Step in the morning, during those quiet moments before the busyness of the day sets in. During that time, we are open and receptive to our feelings. We may want to ask, What's going on with me? What do I need to do to take care of myself lovingly and responsibly? Then we listen to ourselves and respond." "Others work this Step in a more relaxed fashion, trusting that if they are working their program, staying connected to other recovering people, and trying to stay on track, this Step will find them when it needs to." LOOK FOR WHAT'S GOOD, TOO "While we're busy inventorying ourselves, we may want to pay attention to what we're doing right. Step Ten says, "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." It doesn't say that we ignore what we do that is right or what's right in our lives. It says we continue to inventory ourselves." "When we inventory, we can look for many things. We can search out feelings that we may be running from. We can look for low self-esteem or inadequacy creeping back in. We can look for reversions to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving. We can look for those behaviors that we truly are uncomfortable with, that we have directed toward others, and we can make prompt amends." "No matter where we are, who we are, or what we're doing, even on our worst days - especially on our worst days - we can find one thing we did right, something good about ourselves and our lives to dwell on. We can find something to feel hopeful about, something to look forward to. We can focus realistically on a vision of what is and what can be good in our lives." "There's room in reality and recovery for "what's right." Identifying the negatives and the problems will help us solve them. Empowering the good will help that to grow, too. We can tell ourselves, others, and God what we appreciate about the person, ourselves, and life." "We can let go of our need to be so critical of ourselves and others. We can look for what's right." MAINTAINING SELF-ESTEEM "This is the Step of continued self-awareness and self-responsibility. In the other Steps, we began the process of looking within, rather than focusing on others. This Step encourages us to continue on that path. We don't have to use it as a rigid tool to control ourselves and keep ourselves behaving perfectly. We can use it, instead, as an anchor, to keep us grounded in ourselves and our own growth process." "We can allow ourselves to live and trust the lessons to reveal themselves to us, when it is time, when we're ready, when our Higher Power is ready. Sometimes that lesson is a new behavior we need to work through. Sometimes the lesson is an old behavior that has crept back in." "This is the Step that encompasses our imperfections and the imperfections and humanity of others. It is a vehicle for learning to love ourselves and others unconditionally. Take it not in fear, but in trust that we are right where we need to be in our lives, our recoveries, and our relationships." "Be patient with yourself and others as you struggle forward in this process of growth, change, life, and recovery. Be patient as you struggle to identify issues and what your part is or was in those issues. Be open to the answers because they will come." "Once we have worked our way up to Step Ten, we can maintain and increase our self-esteem by regularly working this Step. It incorporates the process we've gone through in Steps Four through Nine. It means we go through this process again, as needed, to keep on track." "We don't work this Step to punish or demean ourselves. We do it to maintain harmony in our relationships with ourselves and others. We do it to stay on track. We don't project this Step on others: We inventory ourselves - our own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and paths." "When we get off track, when an issue emerges that we need to address, we now know how. We identify the issue. We talk to someone about it. We're honest, rather than defensive, fearful, or ashamed. WE accept what happened and take responsibility for our part in it. Then we become willing to make any appropriate amends, and we let it go." "This Step gives me permission to be me and to be imperfect. It gives me permission to love and nurture myself and focus on what's right with my life. It allows me to be a vulnerable human beings. And it has taught me much about forgiving others, too." "We don't have to be perfect and right. Now we can say, "I was wrong, and I'm sorry. to ourselves as well as to others." "This Step gives us permission to be honest about who we are. We can deal with things as they come up. Use it regularly to grow and maintain the good feelings we have discovered." 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. "There are times to surrender, times to let go, times to give in. There are times to wait and times to take action. There are times to be gentle and nurturing, times to give, and times to receive. There are times to speak up, own our power, and take care of ourselves. By working this Step, we'll know what time it is." IMPROVING CONSCIOUS CONTACT "Of all the relationships we are learning to rebuild in our recovery from codependency, our relationships with ourselves and with our Higher Power are the most important ones. They are the foundation for all the other relationships we will participate in. Our relationship with God, as we recover from codependency, will lead us into a loving, close, intimate relationship with ourselves. The opposite is also true. An intimate, loving relationship with ourselves will bring us closer to God." "This Step will tell us how to do that. We pray and we meditate, to improve our connection with God and ourselves. We ask to be shown the best possible course of action for ourselves each day and the power to do our part." "We are each free to understand God as we choose to, according to our vision and our truth. What is specific in this Step is that we are to talk to the God of our understanding by praying, then ask God to show us God's will for us and help us carry it out." "Praying is talking to God. A prayer can be a word or a thought. It can be an expression of joy or sorrow. A prayer can be a letter to God. Or it can be a traditional prayer." "We are free to pray any way we choose: standing, sitting, kneeling, eyes closed, eyes open, lying in bed, or walking down a dirt path through the woods." "Prayer doesn't need to be complicated. We can talk silently, directing our thoughts to God. Or we can talk aloud, as we would to a person. We don't have to change our language to talk to God. We don't have to be someone or something we're not. We can be who we are with God. We can say what we need to say, when we need to say it. We build a working relationship with our Higher Power and discuss what we need to keep that relationship going." "Sometimes we get a vision or a sense of what the future holds, but we get our directions from our Higher Power one day at a time. That is also how we receive the power to carry out those directives." "Prayer transforms us. Grateful prayers transform our lives and our circumstances. Gratitude turns negative energy into positive. It breeds acceptance and brings out the best in any circumstance." "Each of us can find our own way to pray, our own discipline for prayer, our own method of communicating. Some people like the prayers suggested by certain religions. Some enjoy a less structured approach to communicating with God." "How we approach our praying is not nearly as important as making the effort to do it." "Praying is how we keep ourselves - our souls - connected to God. It is where change begins." MEDITATION "Praying to how we talk to God. Meditating is how God talks to us." "Many people in recovery practice meditation in a variety of ways. As with praying, we are each free to find a way that works for us." "Reading a meditation book is one way. There are many meditation books available in bookstores. These are little books that have a quotation, a reading, and sometimes a prayer for each day of the year. Many of these books are aimed specifically at codependency recovery. Some are more general but are still favorites of people recovering from codependency. A listing of some of them is included at the back of this book. Many people like to take time at the beginning of the day to do this little reading, to remind themselves of recovery principles, to help them feel good about themselves and get on track for the day." "Some people listen to tapes as a way of meditating. There are many tapes available now that can help us attain a relaxed, peaceful state of mind. Some people like subliminal tapes. These are tapes with messages audible only to the subconscious mind. Sometimes the message is audible on one side of the tape; on the other side the same message is subliminal. Other tapes are all subliminal. Many include a script, so we know the message. The messages are subject- oriented, such as serenity, letting go of fear, accepting ourselves, and the like. What we hear consciously on the subliminal side of the tape is usually relaxing meditative music or nature sounds, such as ocean waves. What our subconscious hears is the positive messages." "Some people use therapeutic massage as a way to relax, meditate, and become centered." "Some people use alternative forms of meditation." "Some people prefer traditional forms. They retreat to a quiet place and meditate." "However and whenever we do it, the goal of meditation is to quiet ourselves and our thoughts, relax, become centered and peaceful, and tune into God and ourselves. We rid ourselves of the chaos, tension, and fear that so often accompany living. We let go of it all and be still." "Meditation means opening our minds and our spirits - our souls - to the God connection. Obsession, worrying, and rumination are not God connections. They are fear connections." "To connect with God, we need to relax and open our conscious and subconscious minds to a Higher Consciousness. In the busyness of our days and lives, it may seem like a waste of time to slow down, stop what we're doing, and take this kind of break. It is not a waste of time. Meditation can create more time and energy than the moments we take to do it." "We build a connection to God by building a connection to ourselves." "Once we become tuned into ourselves and trust ourselves, we will know when we need a meditation break. We can meditate regularly on a disciplined schedule. And we can listen to ourselves and know when we need to remove ourselves from the busyness of life and get centered." "Meditation and prayer are powerful recovery behaviors that work. We need to be patient. It is not reasonable to expect that the moment we meditate, we will get our answer, our insight, our inspiration, or our healing. It is not reasonable to expect on-site, instantaneous answer to prayer." "But the answer is coming. It is already on the way, if we have done our part by meditating and praying." GOD'S WILL FOR US "Prayer and meditation are not meaningless tasks we are asked to do. Prayer is how we become transformed; meditation is how we become. Both disciplines benefit us and help us stay on track." "Asking for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry it through is a prayer that will always be answered "yes." "This Step also assures each of us that there is a path for our lives. Sometimes it is a simple path with simple duties. Sometimes the path means waiting. Sometimes it means feeling or healing. Sometimes it means giving; sometimes receiving. We can choose. We can participate in creating our path." "Sometimes it means saying yes; sometimes saying no. But there is always a path for our lives, even when that path is not clear to us." "Something is happening. Something good is being worked out, in and around us. Something important. We are learning our lessons, and we will continue to learn them. When it is time, we will be empowered to do all that we are meant to do." "We can relax and go with the flow." "We don't have to punish ourselves when times are hard, and there are certainly hard times in recovery. We don't have to punish ourselves for our feelings, doubts, concerns, and mistakes." "We don't have to punish God either." "We can relax and go with the flow, even when the flow hurts, even when we're not certain where it's taking us. The hard times will not last forever. The confusion will not last forever. Clarity will come. The answer will come. The darkness of our soul will leave, and daylight will come." "Sometimes meditation does not work instantly or immediately." "But we can trust these behaviors and keep practicing them anyway. Sometimes it may feel like we've asked, begged, and pleaded for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it through, and nothing is happening. That's an illusion. Something, my friend, is happening." "Sometimes our part is simple. We do the dishes. We go to a meeting. We call a friend. Or we wait. Sometimes doing nothing is God's will. Sometimes that is much harder than doing something." "Sometimes it's time to take action. But we don't have to worry about that. When it is time, we will receive all the guidance, power, and assistance we need to do what we have to do, and we can let go of the rest. If we wait until it is time, our part will be clear. It will be impossible. It will happen - naturally, gradually, and with ease." "This is the go-with-the-flow Step. By talking and listening to God, we can relax, let go, and allow our lives to happen. By asking for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it through, we can trust what is happening, what has happened before, and what will happen tomorrow. We can trust our part in the flow." "We are safe now. We are cared for. We are protected. We are free now to live our lives and love ourselves." "This Step gives us permission to let go of our need to control and our efforts to control others and our lives. We can do our part by setting goals, using affirmations, and practicing our basic recover behaviors. We can do our part by praying and meditating. The we can let go and allow ourselves to be guided into truth, health, healing, happiness, joy, freedom, and love." "Feel our feelings, when they arise. Love and nurture ourselves as many times each day and each hour as we need loving, nurturing, and accepting. Say thank you for everything. Ask for what we want and need." "Then complete the process by saying, "Thy will be done." "This Step can take us through the best of times and the worst of times. It can take us through difficult feelings and pleasant ones. It can take us everywhere and anywhere we need to go. Work it often. Work it as soon as possible in our recovery. If we do the other Steps - admitting and accepting powerlessness, turning our will and lives over, cleaning house - we will be a clean vessel, one that is easily guided." "Sometimes, when we begin to live this way - trusting ourselves and our Higher Power - we will find ourselves making mistakes, doing foolish things, thinking we are doing God's will." "This Step tells us that we have a path, and no one can interfere with it. We don't have to hold on so tightly. Others do not hold the key to our happiness, nor do they hold the key to our lives." "No one, not one person, can stop or interfere with the good and the love that is coming to us. Others do not hold that in their hands: It is between us and our Higher Power." "This is the Step where we say, "Show me what you want me to do, then help me do it." This is the Step where we talk to God and let God talk to us - by calming our souls and speaking to them. We ask God to show us what we need to do to take care of ourselves, then we ask God to help us. We ask God to help us take responsibility for ourselves." "Take a moment for prayer and meditation. Do not criticize ourselves for not doing it well enough. Let go of our fears about whether or not God hears and cares. God is there, and we are each able to tap into the spiritual consciousness." "This Step will carry us through the difficult times and the good times. When we don't know what to do next, God does." "Trust God. Trust ourselves. And trust our lives. God never, never asks us to do anything that God does not equip and supply us to do. If we are to do it, we will be empowered. That's the easy part of this program: We never have to do more than we can. We never have to do anything we can't. We never have to do anything before it's time." "And when it's time, we will do it." 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. "Let's examine the components of this Step: carrying the message, practicing these principles in all our affairs, and spiritual awakenings as a result of working these Steps." CARRYING THE MESSAGE "The Twelfth Step says that after we have had our spiritual awakening from working these Steps, we try to carry this message to others. What is our message? One of hope, love, comfort, and health. Better relationships and a better way of life, one that works." "It is a message of self-love, self-nurturing, paying attention to our own issues, and taking responsibility for ourselves, whether that means addressing our own behaviors or owning our power to take care of ourselves. It is also a message that we can allow others to have their own issues and take responsibility for themselves." "We are free now to be done with shame and self-hatred. We can love others and allow them to love us, giving in ways that are helpful and allowing ourselves to receive." "We are free now, at last, to feel, to think, to make our own choices, and to take responsibility for those decisions. We are even free to change our minds. We now understand that we will be controlled by our pasts until we do our historical work and release old feelings and beliefs." "Often, when we being recovery - and sometimes well into recovery - we want to share our discoveries about recovery with family members. We want them to find the same health, hope, freedom, and good feelings that we're discovering." "We want to share what we've learned about caretaking, victimization, controlling, dealing with feelings, doing our family-of-origin work, and caring for ourselves. We want to share our new discoveries about relationships and how we are learning to participate differently in them. We want to talk about how certain behaviors are predictably self-defeating and how we've felt justified about them all, only to learn that this is something called codependency. We want to explain that when we changed, our relationships often did too." "We want to tell people about setting boundaries and owning power. We want to share with those we love all the ideas that are bringing us freedom and healing. We want to bring them with us on this journey." "Calm yourself. Be patient. Temper your enthusiasm to help your family see the light. Ask for guidance and wisdom in approaching family members. When you talk, talk about yourself and what you're learning, not about them and what they need to be learning. The most powerful and positive impact we can have on our family is to lead a healthy, happy life." PRACTICING THESE PRINCIPLES "Another part of the Twelfth Step refers to "practicing these principles in all our affairs." What that means to many of us is learning to practice our recovery behaviors and the principles of the steps in all areas of our lives." "That means we surrender to and accept healing in all parts of our lives. We turn in lives and relationships that don't work and allow these principles to give us, in return, lives and relationships that do work." "Some of us begin recover to deal with our own addictions. Many of us enter recovery thinking it is really about our spouses and the effects of their problems on us. Or we may enter recovery thinking our problem centers around our families. We may be experiencing unmanageability in some or all areas of our lives, but it is often a serious problem in one focused area that gets our attention enough to move us into recovery. Initially, then, we limit our recovery task to meeting the challenge in that one area - either with the one person causing problems in our lives or with the one problem in our lives that is creating pain. At some time, the bliss of this shortsightedness disappears. We begin to see that we're seeking a solution for all aspects of our lives." "These Steps work in all areas of our lives, however we choose to compartmentalize these areas. They will restore manageability to all areas of our lives. They will bring healing, peace, love, and freedom to all areas of our lives." "We can practice these principles and receive their benefits in all our affairs - our home lives, our businesses, our finances, our love relationships, our relationships with relatives and friends. We can practice recovery behaviors in all parts of our lives because those are the same places we practiced our codependency behaviors. At some point, we will wake up and know our new way of life has really become a new life." A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING "Often, when we begin recovering from codependency our vision of what recovery means is narrow. We attend meetings, work the Steps, and begin taking care of ourselves primarily to ease the pain we believe has been caused by another person and his or her behavior. Our hopes for ourselves are that we can stop obsessing about others and stop feeling guilty or ashamed about other people's problems." "Those are good reasons to begin recovery, but they are only starters." "There comes a time to expand our vision and look for more from recovery. The time comes when our recovery - this program and our place in it - is no longer about other people but is truly about ourselves and our journey." "We need to go to meetings long enough to learn that the other person's problem isn't our fault. We need to go long enough to learn it's a "selfish" program of taking care of ourselves. But those two ideas are not the end; they are only the beginning." "If we stop working our program there, we have stopped at the starting gate." "Each one of us is on a spiritual journey. The journey is gradual, progressive, and healing. As we heal, we achieve higher levels of love for ourselves and others. We discover a life of our own and new ways of living that work. We discover the flow and choose a path for our lives. We begin to see the importance of that path. We learn to live life on a spiritual plane, a life that then becomes reflected on the physical plane." "This journey will take us places we never planned or expected to go. Experiences will come to us, experiences that help us resolve important issues. We will find ourselves experiencing a range of emotions, from joy to despair, along the way. We will be drawn to the people and circumstances we need in order to help us learn and help the other person, too. Many of the experiences that come to us will not be what we asked for or wanted, but eventually we'll learn that each holds an important lesson, one that was critical to molding and shaping who we are and who we will become." "When we learn to surrender to our present circumstances, we also learn to trust that whatever will come will work out in our best interests. Ultimately, we will see good things being worked out in our lives, better than we could have planned or imagined. This good does not always come easily or without struggle." "But it will come." "Self-defeating behaviors that we have relied on most of our lives will be taken from us and replaced by new, more effective, behaviors. We will be done with self-pity, except for momentary lapses that will take us forward to healing." "The need to be perfect will be replaced by a sense of accepting and cherishing ourselves. The fears that have haunted us will be replaced by peace and trust - in ourselves, our lives, our Higher Power, and eventually in others. Despair will be replaced by joy and hope. Martyrdom will be replaced by a desire to be good to ourselves." "The guilt that has saturated us will be taken from us." "We will learn to recognize when we are dancing the dark dance of death in a relationship, and we will learn how to get ourselves out." We will learn to recognize the "codependent switch" in relationships - that moment in time when things change from what we expected and we start to feel crazy because reality has shifted." "We will also know when it is safe to open our hearts to love." "We will learn what it means to take care of ourselves." "We will know we are not alone. That sense of being disconnected will be replaced by a strong sense of connection - to ourselves, to others, and to our Higher Power. We will know we are being led and guided by a loving Power greater than ourselves." "We will learn that we can take care of ourselves, for the tools we need will be provided to us." "We will begin to trust and rely on instinct and intuition, instead of will, control, and rules. The need to control others, circumstances, and ourselves will gradually be lifted from us." "We will see our past relationships in a new light and become grateful for all of them, even the most troublesome and painful, as we see the good worked out in us from each." "Our most troublesome character defects will become illuminated in a new light. Many will be transformed into assets. The others will come to accept as a demonstration of our humanities and uniqueness." "Some of us will discover other addictions, other problems of our own that we need to address on our journey. We will become aware of them and deal with them when the time is right." "Shame and self-hatred will be replaced by self-acceptance and self-love. That love of self will become real and will transform our relationships with ourselves and others. We will find ourselves giving and receiving love in the highest sense, and our relationships will begin to work." "We will become healed from the impact of abuse. After going through a range of emotions, including denial, rage, and sadness, we will achieve forgiveness for others. We will learn to forgive ourselves." "Our emotions and hearts will become healed and open." "We will be done with both inferiority and superiority. We will begin relating to people as equals and with compassion and understanding for them and for ourselves." "Our tolerance for being victimized will decrease." "We will learn to express anger constructively, set boundaries, say no, and walk away from abuse and from that which is not good for us. We will develop an accurate sense of our responsibilities and other people's responsibilities. The desire to take care of others will be replaced by a desire to allow each person to be responsible for himself or herself." "We will embrace our issues and allow others to have theirs." "We will learn to nurture ourselves and others without caretaking." "We will begin addressing and feeling our emotions, taking responsibility for them ourselves. We will stop letting our feelings catapult us into controlling gestures that damage our relationships with others." "We will begin to deal directly and honestly with people, without manipulation and hidden agendas." "We will no longer think or behave as victims. That deep sense of begin victimized by life will disappear, and we will know what it means to own our power. We will accept our powerlessness, find our Higher Power, become empowered, and learn to share the power by participating in relationships as equals." "Our lives will begin to make sense and have value and meaning. Our needs will begin to get met." "Laughter and fun will become part of our lives. We will learn to lighten up." "We will become fully alive." "Along the way, bitterness and remorse will be replaced by gratitude." "And for once in our lives, we don't have to do it ourselves. We aren't doing it ourselves. Above all else, this program of recovery, this path opening up to us through the Twelve Steps, is a spiritual process." The Source for these Step outlines: Melody Beattie's: "Codependents Guide To The Twelve Steps" |
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Codependent 12 Steps
It's been a wild, whirlwind of flurried action during this holiday season! Wow. Anyway, this morning I was searching for Step 4 inventory on principles and institutions then I found this...there are no accidents. I'm passing it on to you with hopes that it helps you as much as it helps me. Love, Carol xoxox
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