Birthday Night

Well, last night I went to Birthday Night at the club.  My sponsor received her chip for 30 years in the 12 Steps program.  About 12 of us met at a Mexican restaurant and enjoyed dinner.  I felt relaxed and comfortable, among like-minded folk. I arrived a little late but my plate was served just about when theirs were.

Earlier I worked desperately to find someone to cover at the shelter because a staff member called-in sick and unable to work.  There was no one available to cover her shift and being the selfish person I am, I really didn't want to miss Birthday Night's celebrations.

Then my daughter. who moved out last year and was recently married,  called and said she was available to go through a lot of things she'd left here at the house.  What she no longer wanted, we boxed and she dropped off at Goodwill.  It was a long day.

By the time I needed to shower, dress and get over to the restaurant I felt frazzled.  As I drove the car, I heard the chitter-chatter of the Shitty Committee go into high drive.  "Why do I even bother?  Who cares if I show up or not?  Who am I kidding?  I'm a nobody.  No one will even notice whether I'm there or not.  And look what I'm wearing.  No body is going to like it.  Look how fat I am.  Yuck.  I'm late!  I'm gonna be late! Again. Late to everything.  Everybody is going to notice how inept I really am.  I can't even manage time.  ETC."  I tell you what, the E.G.O. doesn't play.  It's vicious.  Jeesh.  I heard those thoughts in my head then started praying, "Dear Lord, as YOU will.  Please let me be of service to YOU and others.  Do what YOU want with me."  And the inner hostility stopped for a while.

It reared its head a couple of other times.  Apparently as I age, the more tired I get, the more agitated and here it comes...the waves of doubt, insecurity, sabotage, etc.

Can you imagine?  Also, I had invited Andie to the dinner and Diane.  This was new to them.  They certainly cared whether I showed up or not!  Jeesh.  Anyway, in the end, I'm glad all went well, as usual.  :)  It was a lovely evening.  So many winners!  Long-timers!  Women!  Wow.  What a privilege.  I feel deeply humble that only by the grace of GOD, I was there to share the celebration and to be a part of a greater whole, the Fellowship.

P.S.  I "volunteered" to cut the chocolate cake and although I didn't do a "perfect" job, I did get it done!  Yeah!

Well, today is a new day and I hand it all over to my Higher Power, may GOD's will be done.  I hope to do the next right thing.  I heard a new one last night, "Although the 12 Steps didn't open the pearly gates of Heaven to let me in, they did open the gates of Hell to let me out."  GOD bless and keep us all.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox