Let it go, let it go, let it go...

Ha!  So much for Utopia!  Man, I do GREAT...then I go out there in the world and it's on.  LOL

One of my co-workers told me yesterday, "Let it go.  Don't fixate.  Just let it go."  Yes, yes, I tell her.  But there it is...clenched on my mind, like a thought monkey that ain't letting go.  And then, I'm on the ride straight to hell as my feelings grow darker and darker, "Poor me.  Nobody loves me, nobody cares.  I'm all alone.  I can't, can't, can't...etc."  Wow.  Fascinating.  Like a little child, inept in self-soothing, self-validating, grappling with learning how.  So after work last night, I stopped at Wendy's and bought a large fresh lemonade, went home and plopped in front of the TV.  I watched "Love It or List It" as I peered into other people's dilemmas and ignored my own.  I was too "tired".  What's wrong with this picture?

I'm noticing the Shitty Committee is activating a lot more frequently and the mind noise is getting louder and louder.  Once in  a while a thought shouts out, "See how they treat me?" or "I'm worthless.  I'll never change."  Whew!  Vicious.

The other day, my feelings were so tumultuous, chaotic, sad, grieving...why?  For no good reason?  I believe I'm triggered by the holidays, or weekends, or what time of the month it is, etc.  Also by things that are beyond my control.  There's not a damn thing I can do about it...can really get my symbiotic internal twins going.  My alcoholic personality gets stirred and my alanonic personality whips it up even more.  Ever mindful to place principles over personalities...ha!  Let the fun times begin if I don't work the Steps.

Got a resentment?  Work the Steps on it.

I must remember:  I didn't cause, I can't control it, I can't cure it but I sure as hell can contribute to it when I am mothering, manipulating, managing, or martyring...I'm in the disease.  Work the Steps to stop it and get out! 

These are the times I must consciously make a decision to step-up on working it, read the literature, meditate and pray, call my sponsor, work with others, go to meetings, rub shoulders with the Fellowships.

Dear Higher Power, I trust YOU.  I know YOU have it all covered and I rely on YOU to help me thru whatever presents in my life.  YOU are the Source, the Solution, the Sunlight of the Spirit and I turn over all of me, my will and my life into YOUR hands.  As YOU will.  Love, Carol xoxox