There's a new volunteer at work and I noticed she has the loveliest smile. All of the time, it seems. I remember when I used to do that...you know, smile a lot. Even when I really didn't feel like smiling. Fake-it-til-you-make-it. What's different for me today is...if I don't feel like smiling I probably won't be smiling.
On a good day...I'm "looking" for good. I'm actively looking for positive, happy things along my day's pathway that bring a smile to my face.
On a bad day...I'm "looking" for the crap. I'm actively looking for negative, dark, gloomy, drab things along the pathway that bring a frown to my face.
Of course, what I "see" is dependent on my attitude. The one thing in life I know I can change, that no one else has the power to change...is how I feel, think, believe...my attitude. I mean, they can't reach inside me and turn an attitude knob to change my perspective. It's all about who? ME.
Bernard once told me, "They really did a number on you, Carol." Grrrrrrr...... He's right. But what does it mean???? To me, it means, I learned to erroneously believe "they" had the power to make me happy, sad, etc. And that I was helpless in this area of me, myself and I. My Be-ing. And this is a LIE. The truth is, for me today, is this may be the only real place where I am at my most powerful. I can choose happiness for myself. I can choose to love and be loved. I can choose to feel whatever I damn well please, whenever I damn well please. So help me GOD. Truth is...I've been choosing all along. I thought I wasn't. I thought other people were doing it to me, making me feel, think and act at their command, suggestion, demand or slick manipulations. But it's not true. I've been giving my power away, all along by REACTING to them, them, them, whoever "they" may be. Because...that's what I learned to do. Give it away and feel helpless, like it's not my "fault", a "victim", powerless and without. B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.
What the Steps help me do...is separate, distinguish the Lie from the Truth. Stop believing every damn thought that crosses my mind because a lot of them are "learned", programmed, recycled, handed down through generations. Some of them no longer work in the times I live in. Which ones are they? That's what doing the work of the Steps do...help me learn to listen to the small, still, quiet voice, deep inside, linked directly to the Higher Power, the Source. The morning "On awakening..." reading beginning on page 85 helps me link up...if I'm in the HOW.
I survived. Thank GOD. Now I'm into recovery. This program takes courage, work, patience, keep coming back, and everything else I can think of. For the rest of my life, no matter what, keep coming back. Not just for me, but for others, too. I have a responsibility to pass it on, get on the firing line. Just like there were those who passed it on to me. The trick is in working the Steps. Yep. The Bullshit Shifter. I'm still full of it. The difference today is I know it, I am aware of it whereas before I didn't know. I was asleep. Spiritually bankrupt. Without. Bemused. Fogged. Confused. Lost. In the Land of the Walking Dead pretending to be alive, wanting but not sure what. Repeating the same old things expecting different results. Crazy, insane, following the pathways to hell. The Great Void.
The Steps help me change my destiny. Destiny shows up twice in the first 164 pages of "Alcoholics Anonymous":
Page 54: open
...you can prove a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, yet, there it was. Could we still say the whole thing was nothing but a mass of electrons, created out of nothing, meaning nothing, whirling on to a destiny of nothingness? Of course we couldn't. The electrons themselves seemed more intelligent than that. At least, so the chemist said. Hence, we saw that reason isn't everything. Neither is reason, as most of us use it,...
...you can prove a straight line is the shortest distance between two points, yet, there it was. Could we still say the whole thing was nothing but a mass of electrons, created out of nothing, meaning nothing, whirling on to a destiny of nothingness? Of course we couldn't. The electrons themselves seemed more intelligent than that. At least, so the chemist said. Hence, we saw that reason isn't everything. Neither is reason, as most of us use it,...
Page 164: open
...and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then.
...and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then.
Dear Higher Power, please help me to clear the wreckage so I may be of service to You and Your children, my brothers and sisters. As You will. Love, Carol xoxox
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