The Backlash: Stronger I get, the sneakier the disease gets

Finally the doctor appointment arrived and she said I did a really good job of taking care of the problem.  She referred me to a dermatologist to look at it because he might remove the "gland" (I thought it was a pore?) because the architecture has been altered.  Jeesh.  Fancy words.   Is she sugar-coating?  Do I have a bigger problem than I realize?  More will be revealed.  I'll work on asking GOD to please help me keep an open mind and do the next right thing.  One day at a time.

One Day at a Time, p.202, "What is important and within our GOD-given powers to figure out, is what we are doing that confuses and complicates life for us.  When we discover that, and do something to change it, a good many of our troubles will vanish.  Every time I catch myself trying to figure out other people's motives, I'll stop and ask myself,"What did I say or do that prompted the action?  Why did I react to it as I did?  Does what happened make a major difference to me, or am I making something big out of a trifle?"  A quote from Thomas A'Kempis, "Leave off that excessive desire of knowing, therein is found much distraction.  There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul."

In All Our Affairs, p.190, "...after taking positive actions for myself, I often experience uncomfortable aftereffects, which I call "backlash"...felt as if I had no recovery and that I had been ridiculous to even think for a second that I could do anything good for myself...occurs less and less frequently, backlash continues to arise when I take positive actions for myself...consider it one of the effects...learned to deal with it in various ways...remind myself that this "voice" is my disease and that whatever it has to say is a lie...Calling an Al-Anon friend will almost always set me on track.  Going to an Al-Anon meeting...enables me to remember that, although I am getting better, the stronger I get, the sneakier the disease gets.  Now that I understand more about how the disease works, I am learning to just accept this backlash rather than fight it and give it more power."

Dear Creator, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  Please use me to be of maximum service to YOU and my sisters and brothers.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Fantasy and Mind Readers

Such a dramatic personality...if there is no drama, give me a minute.  LOL  In my mind there exists a creative energy that is remarkable in its intensity, leaping to the future or the past, lurching into uncharted scenarios, generating possible or impossible possibilities, all in a blink.  One of the things my mind creates is that other people can read my mind and not only know what I want or don't want...they'll take care of it for me.  This phenomena is subtle, subliminal, unobtrusive until the expectation falls flat...then I feel sad, angry, afraid, disappointed, retaliatory...oh, yeah.  Well, take this---whaaaaaaa.  A full-scale temper tantrum ensues.  But in the grown-up version...Jeesh.  

Hope for Today, p.201, "...I still yearn to have one other person in my life whose sole job is to anticipate and meet all of my needs without my having to ask...My undertaking now is to grow beyond this childlike fantasy by taking responsibility for getting my wants and needs met instead of expecting others to do it for me...tools that help me most with this challenge are Tradition 7 and "Let It Begin With Me".  Tradition 7 suggests being fully self-supporting...need to remember to support myself emotionally.  Even if no one else seems to notice or commend my growth and courage, I can pat myself on the back.  "Let It Begin With Me" reminds me that no one is a mind reader.  If I want or need something, I have to let someone know.  I need to ask, which means taking risks.  Maybe my request will be granted; maybe it won't.  If it is, great.  If it isn't, I'll still feel better for having asked, and then I can move on to someone else who might be able to help me.  I am powerless over alcoholics and alcoholism.  I no longer have to be powerless over me."

Dear GOD Almighty...thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Goodbye to the Martyr Salute

Whew!  A lot of things going on!  Seems like a whirlwind of situations requiring immediate attention spinning through my here and now.  Some of it is big stuff, some of it is small but all of it requiring attention, effort and energy.  Jeesh.  Setting priorities becomes very important.  Which ones come first in order?  Which ones can wait?  Some of it...just let it go.  Sometimes those are the hardest ones.  The ones requiring the least effort.  LOL

I've been listening to Al-non "Blanche" on xa-speakers.org and she has sooo many one-liners!  I like the one where she says her hand was stuck to her head...referring to the Al-Anon "martyr salute".  LOL

Anyway, I called my sponsor and she asked how I'm doing...what a question!  Feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed by life's situations, etc. I shared with her what's going on.  I whined my long list of grievances, near misses, some successes, etc.  She listened then asked me, "Are you calling because you want to vent, or do you want feedback, or a suggestion, a different point of view?"   I asked for her point of view.  She said I was doing great because already I'd done my morning literature reading, prayer and meditation, working my Steps and called my sponsor, she agreed I can do more prayer and meditation plus call other Al-Anons and to call EAP for outside help..  Some of us need it and I'm certainly one who does!   Kewl..  I followed through with her suggestions and WOW!  The results were dynamic.  Just like that...

Day by Day, "Practicing anything will eventually make us pretty good at it...getting high we were practicing insanity...at first it was a lot of fun...got so good at insanity we couldn't tell if we were playing or serious any longer...straight or high, insanity seemed to take over.  Now we practice sanity on a daily basis.  With the grace of GOD we can get pretty good at sanity, too.  Have I left my insane behavior behind me?  GOD give me faith, that I may know sanity is possible with YOUR grace."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.200, "The key...is to accept and use the program without any of the "Yes, buts" that would reveal only my resistance and uncertainty.  'I will not resist the impact of a new idea.  It may be just the one I've needed without being aware of it.  I will make my mind more flexible and receptive to new points of view.'

Courage to Change, p.200, "...I can't expect to recover overnight.  When I approach my life with an "Easy Does It" attitude, I treat myself and the world around me gently and lovingly...A quote from One Day at a Time, "We would be wise to take it slowly, concentrating on one idea at a time."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU for all YOU do for us.  The abundance of YOUR Love shines on us all.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Wound Care, Professionals and a Wounded Healer

Well, I cleaned the wound and went to bed.  Slept like a baby.  All night long, except when Elvis woke me up to let him go outside for his nocturnal walks.

The last few nights I spent hours taking care of the bump.  I heated water, gathered white cloth, epsom salt, hydrogen peroxide, gauze squares and Neosporin antibiotic ointment.  I'd put the salt in the cloth, dunk it in the heated water, let it lay until it cooled on the bump, time after time.   Finally the bump all came to head.  Even though I'd gently pricked it with a needle (first I put the needle in the flame from a cigarette lighter and let it cool for a second), nothing came out so I just kept the hot poultice stuff going. The next night the guck started coming out, more and more.  It then bled some, draining.  Now I went into wound care.  I pointed the nozzle of the peroxide bottle towards it and squeezed until a stream gently, thoroughly cleansed it.  Squeezed ointment on the gauze, then applied it as a protective shield.  Jeesh.  Ugh.

 Now I'm like having a hard time describing this because I feel a lot of emotions come up.

Scared.  Fear.  Uncertainty.  Inadequate.  Unsure. Worried.

I'd called my doctor but the soonest appointment was the 19th.  I thought maybe I'll go to a walk-in clinic or to the emergency room because...I need a "professional".  It looked pretty bad.  Maybe it's MRSA, or staph of some kind.  Or if not, it will be if I don't see a professional.  On and on.  I took care of it.  Kept my hands clean.  Everything I used I cleaned, etc.

All this because of a clogged skin pore.  Had it for awhile then...pow.  Here I am.  A mountain from a molehill indeed.  LOL  Anyway, it looks pretty good and hopefully it's just maintenance from now on.  GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.

I sound so primitive.  Like I have no doctor, no insurance, FSA account to take care of medical expenses, etc.  But why do I feel such a conditioned need to run to a professional, doubting myself, when I am capable of using common sense and have the experience of taking care of many kinds of hurts and pains?

Day by Day, "All we have to do is become willing to believe that a source of energy outside of ourselves is going to help us...Electricity works just the same after an electronics course as it does before one understands the nature of electricity...We needn't care if we understand GOD, we just need to believe that GOD understands us."

Daily Reflections, p.202, titled "Giving up Center Stage", "...not humbling myself toward other people, but towards GOD, as I understand Him.  Humility means "to show submissive respect," and by being humble I realize I am not the center of the Universe...consumed by pride and self-centeredness...felt the entire world revolved around me, that I was master of my destiny.  Humility ...to depend more on GOD to help me overcome obstacles, to help me with my own imperfections, so that I may grow spiritually...must solve more difficult problems to increase my proficiency and, as I encounter life's stumbling blocks...learn to overcome them through GOD's help.  Daily communion with GOD demonstrates my humility and provides me with the realization that an entity more powerful than I is willing to help me if I cease trying to play GOD myself."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.194, "'Let go of your clutching hold on the problem.  Let go and let the Divine Power, which works in all things, work in this, too.'...only reasonable course is to Live and Let Live---to learn to live my own life fully and to let others live theirs.  Or, more simply, to mind my own business.
     "Right now, today, I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me.  Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me."  A quote from Thomas A'Kempis, "Keep thyself first in peace and then thou wilt be able to bring others to peace.  Have, therefore, a zeal in the first place over thyself..."

Courage to Change, p.194, "...teach us to focus on ourselves?  It seemed such a contradiction...tended to think in extremes...Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself...come back to center...Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don't have to sacrifice myself in the process...still take care of myself.  "If you would be loved, love, and be lovable."  Benjamin Franklin

Hope for Today, p.194, "The more scared I was, the more I tried to control."  '...My Higher Power is the confidence within me that makes me unafraid...' a quote from As We understood, p. 105

As We Understood, p. 256, the last page of the stories in this book, "For her, and so many others like her, I am responsible, Let It Begin With Me."

In All Our Affairs, p.178, "...so lacking in confidence that we thought we couldn't do anything...incapable of making the simplest decisions for ourselves, yet could tell others how to run their lives....grow enough to listen to others' suggestions and realize they are just suggestions.  The choices and decisions are up to me.  Even if I decide to consult a professional, I still have to decide whether or not to accept the opinion...inform decision-making:  asking for and receiving suggestions, listing my alternatives and the probable realistic outcome, then making decisions based on the best information that I can gather....must also have flexibility...was such a rule follower...so ramrod unbending...difficult for me to learn to roll with the punches...went through a stage of being a people-pleaser, then reached another when I thought, "Well, I'll do whatever I want to and if they don't like it that's their problem."...learned that my decisions do sometimes affect others, and I try to take them into consideration."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

A Chair

Well, I'm grateful to be here.  Just for today.  I'm one of the lucky ones because I have a program that helps.  It works every time I work it.  G-u-a-r-a-n-t-e-e-d.  LOL  I just got to do the work.  No one else can do it for me.  It's an inside job.

Daily Reflections, p.201, a quote from 12 & 12, "A great turning point in our lives came when we sought for humility as something we really wanted rather than as something we must have."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p. 193, "What if...?"...Only two little words, but they're heavy with dread, fear and anxiety...Granted, these things can happen, but when they don't, we have put ourselves through needless suffering and made ourselves even less prepared to deal with them if they should come...the answer to 'What if...?' is, 'Don't project!'  Don't imagine the worst; deal with your problems as they arise.  Live one day at a time."

Courage to Change, p.193, "...many of us deal with our anger in inappropriate ways.  Denying it, we stuff it, or we go off in fury, directing the feelings outward.  I, for one, opt for avoidance of any conflict, and then I turn into a doormat...program encourages me to acknowledge my feelings and to be responsible for how I express them.  The problem is not that I get angry, but that I do not know how to direct my anger appropriately...Feeling our feelings is one important part of the recovery process.  Learning how to balance feelings with appropriate action is another."

In All Our Affairs, p.177, "...is a disease that can take many forms...chooses to make food his battleground.  All of his outrage, resentments, and bad feelings come out upon any meal which is placed before him.  As his disease progresses, the strictures become limiting...I came to believe that if I could only learn to fry eggs without breaking the yolk, he would never drink again.  He told me so!

"Al-Anon has taught me that I can take care of myself and that I am not obligated to accept unacceptable behavior.  I cannot control his unacceptable behavior, but I don't have to allow it to incapacitate me....have made some choices that help me live more sanely...excessive drinking can destroy taste buds.  When my spouse complains that everything he eats tastes like sawdust, he may be right.  That is not my problem.  I know today that I am not a bad or incompetent person because he doesn't like his meals.  I remind myself that if he said I was a chair, it would not make me a chair."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, the beauty, power, and grace surrounding us all is evidence of YOUR amazing, potent creativity.  Thank YOU for the gift of life and for the opportunity to be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Barely Noticeable...but definitely there

Have you ever watched a movie and really noticed the extras in the scenes?  Blended in the background.  Negligibly noticeable.  I saw some news clips from the state capitol this morning and noticed the women in the background.  Barely noticeable.  Why did I find that so interesting?

Anyway I'm working on taking care of my owiee-boo-boo.  Already I'm feeling a little better.  Thank GOD.

You now, when I started blogging I stopped writing in my journal after awhile.  Maybe it's time to start writing again.  You know...old school.  I'm willing to start again...just for me.  :-)  Actually a good friend suggested I get back on it...ok.

Day by Day, "We are entitled to our opinions, but we are not entitled to lay traps on those around us."

Daily Reflections, p.201, "The situation may not change, but as I practice exercising humility, I enjoy the peace and serenity which are the natural benefits of placing my reliance in a power greater than myself."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.192, "...my sufferings aren't properly understood---people can't even begin to appreciate what a martyr I am!  I think to myself:  "It's easy enough to talk, but how can I smile when there's nothing to be happy about?"...found that a deliberate effort to "laugh it off" does have the most astonishing results in shrinking my woes down to bearable size."

Courage to Change, p.192, "...lose perspective of who we are and what we can and cannot do...accept ideas about our own limitations that have no basis in reality...sort out the truth from the falsehoods by  encouraging us to take a fresh, objective look at ourselves...had a distorted self-image...never thought to question my beliefs but when I took a good look, I discovered that they were untrue....won't let old, limiting ideas and doubts go unchallenged...may discover strengths and talents that never had the chance to come to light...by letting go of obsolete ideas...have opportunity to learn something wonderful about myself."  A quote from Richard Bach, "Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."

Hope for Today, "...teaches me to pray, look at myself and my attitudes, and then take action...action means detaching from people's behavior and giving them the same acceptance, consideration, and respect for which I long...practice "Live and Let Live"...When I don't expect perfection from others or myself, I am free to participate and be a part of life. A sense of belonging is as necessary to my spiritual health as air is to my lungs."

As We Understood, p.252, "...realized I was reacting to his self-pity...have learned that self-pity is crippling...it clouded reality...prevented me from seeing anything positive in my life...suddenly, I felt compassion, not because he was deprived...but because he was dwelling in the negativity I was released from..."

In All Our Affairs, p.176, "...learned that no one but I can determine what I should or should not do.  I thank the program for giving me the strength to do what I believe is correct."

Dear Sweet Creator of it all, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Every Day as a New Beginning

I'm struggling to write anything this morning.  Probably because I had such a difficult time going to sleep last night.

As I'm aging, my body is doing weird things.  In my mind, I'm the same as I ever was but in reality...not!  You know how there are people who look EXACTLY like they did at 15, 25, 35, 45, 55, 65, 75, 85, 95...or better?  For example:  Cher, Joan Rivers, Jane Fonda, to name a few.  Uh, yeah.  I'm definitely not one of those!  omg  The changes.  I remember one time I hadn't seen my mom in a couple of years and she asked me, "Who are you?"  "Me, mom, it's Carol," I answered as I peered out at her from the changing form of my body.  Jeesh.

Anyway, about 3 or 4 years ago I used baby powder under my breasts.  I loved the smell and how it felt but apparently clogged a skin pore.  At first it was like a small pimple.  I showed it to my nurse practitioner who said, whatever the heck she said, and I let it go, no problem.  Well...here recently it's grown into a problem.  It swelled, is the size of a 50 cent piece, and hurts.  Jeesh.  I played "doctor" and applied hot, wet, sterile cloths to draw it out.  So now I have a protruding nodule, throbbing and hurting.  I showed it to Sho and he wants to prick it to release the stuff inside.  I'm scared to do this.  What if I got the skin-eating disease, what if it turned to cancer, what if it spread deeper than what I know, what if it entered the bloodstream, what if, what if, what if... tell you what, just imagining kicks my butt!  LOL I might as well take care of it, whatever "it" turns out to be and stop the procrastinating.

So, I'm calling the doctor's office, making the appointment, acting mature, taking responsibility...and walking the talk.  Yeah!  I am growing-up, not just growing old.  LOL

Hope for Today, p.191, "When I'm thinking about personalities, my mind is too full to hear the principles being shared."

As We Understood, p. 251, "A new season is fast approaching, but I have a program to help me deal with old age and it will help me look at every day as a new beginning."

In All Our Affairs, p.175, "...They were chains with links made of other people's rules, other people's opinions, old guilt, and old resentments...When I become aware of the freedom in a given area and able to make choices that I never knew possible, I usually realize that I could have been free all the time if I had only recognized it...The dog is a big German shepherd who is kept in a backyard with a 4 foot fence around it.  When he was a puppy, he tried to jump the fence and found he couldn't.  He has never learned that he can now jump it any time he wants.  He thinks he is still hemmed in by something bigger than he can handle.  He is confined by his own perceptions."

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, thank YOU for the abundance of each moment.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all.  I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to Accept and TO DO IT.  Lord, please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  :Love, Carol xoxox

Practicing...repeated performance or systematic exercise for the purpose of acquiring skill or proficiency

Whoa...Saturday I went to my meetings and to Birthday Night celebrations which was powerful, lovely, humbling.  I'm glad I went.  There was a woman who received her 37th year of sobriety chip and it was so heart-warming as she stood there, a trembling age-weakened hand on her cane.  She said she remembered there were so many who helped her along the path and they're all dead but not gone, as she pointed to her heart.  I'd never seen her before but I loved her deeply.  After the meeting I went to give her a hug and thanked her.  She asked me who I was as if it mattered, then an AA woman approached and asked if I was Carol. She wanted me to meet a Hispanic woman looking for help in Al-Anon.  The AA women were instrumental in linking, networking in helping a suffering Al-Anon woman...dear GOD, I'm truly humbled and touched by this all because at no time did I doubt what to do.  Lord, I might never see her again...I listened to her, gave her a How Al-Anon Works book, invited her to the Saturday morning meeting, encouraged her to get phone numbers and write them in her book---call me anytime, to start from page 1, 2, 3 and listen to Al-Anon Salvador Valades on YOUTUBE.  Jeesh.  I haven't heard from her since.  Well, this happened Saturday night about 9:15pm and it's Monday morning.  Let Go and Let GOD, Carol.  It's all seedwork, anywhooo.  LOL

Anyway, I didn't blog on Saturday or Sunday.  Although I did the readings and spent quiet time on Saturday, not so on Sunday and oh, Lord Almighty...I can tell the difference.  I saw a TV program where there is a perilous, moss-covered, slippery cliff slope.  Occasionally people and animals get too close, then slid off into great danger, sometimes landing on a ledge then rescuers try to haul them back up.  Uh-huh.  When I fail to do my morning spiritual hygiene it's like that.  I just get too damn close to the slope to Hell.  Jeesh.  My rescuer is my Higher Power.  So far, so good.  Thank YOU, GOD.  I need YOU.

Day by Day, 7-7, titled Being a good 12 Stepper, "...danger...try to impress rather than carry the message, and when we get grandiose or mysterious...not our power or shining personalities that aid people...GOD's love and beauty shining through us provides the real help...our steady hands, clear minds, and GOD's works that others respond to...We only carry the message---GOD delivers it...Lord, YOUR Work is not my power or my glory---Let me be grateful to be one of YOUR instruments.

7-8, Getting Rid of Anger, "...masks that anger hides behind are gossip, slander, backstabbing, profanity, faultfinding, resentment, quarrelsomeness, impatience, mockery, and irritability....an old pattern that we need to break to make any progress...shed anger by inventorying it, praying to be rid of it and practicing not to get angry...GOD help me today to practice the virtues of patience and love, for if I am loving I cannot be angry."

Daily Reflections, p. 196, A quote from AA's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, p.76, "The chief activator of our defects has been self-centered fear..." "...When I feel uncomfortable, irritated, or depressed...look for fear.  This "evil and corroding thread" is the root...fear of failure, fear of others' opinions; fear of harm, and many other fears....Step 7 is my vehicle to freedom from these defects.  I pray for help in identifying the fear underlying the defect, and then I ask GOD to relive me of that fear.  This method works for me without fail and is one of the great miracles of my life..."

p.197,  a quote from AA's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, p.76, "...primarily fear that we would lose something we already possessed or would fail to get something we demanded.  Living upon a basis of unsatisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration.  Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find a means of reducing these demands.  The difference between a demand and a simple request is plain to anyone."  "Peace is possible for me only when I let go of expectations.  When I'm trapped in the thoughts about what I want and what should be coming to me...in a state of fear or anxious anticipation...not conducive to emotional sobriety....must surrender---over and over---to the reality of my dependence on GOD, for then I find peace, gratitude, and spiritual security."

p. 198, a quote from AA's 12 Steps & 12 Traditions, p.76, "The 7th Step is where we make the change in our attitude which permits us, with humility as our guide, to move out from ourselves toward others and toward GOD."  "When I finally asked GOD to remove those things blocking me from Him and the Sunlight of the Spirit...embarked on a journey more glorious ..a freedom from those characteristics that had me wrapped up in myself...now able to be useful to GOD and to my fellows..has granted me strength to do His bidding...prepared me for anyone and any thing, that comes my way today...truly in His Hands...give thanks for the joy that I can be useful today."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.189, "What's so important about being right?...complicate our lives and aggravate our difficulties by insisting our views be accepted...In the tensions that are a part of living...this attitude can make trouble for us...Why don't I just Let Go and Let GOD?...apply Easy Does It to every incident that might increase the tension and cause an explosion...realize that an exchange of hostile words will not help me to find the serenity I want.  Why should I react to criticism and accusation, justified or not?  What can i gain by heated denials and irrationl discussions? In a neurotic environment, anything can start a row....need not take part...ignore it---cheerfully if I can...excellent technique for avoiding dissension."  "To withdraw from an argument may not make you a winner, but what you have saved is your own dignity and grace."

p.190, "The way I speak often reveals more than what I say.  To make the program work for me, it is important to be living it.  This will reveal itself in everything I do or say.  "By listening to more than mere words, I can learn much more than mere words can teach."

Courage to Change, p.189, "...thought...essential to assign blame...a chronic scorekeeper...consumed by guilt and anger.  Defensive and anxious... own back was always covered...disputes come up even when everyone is doing their best.  Obsessively reviewing everyone's behavior focuses my attention where it doesn't belong...keeps me too busy to have any serenity.  instead...consider the part I have played.  If I made mistakes...free to make amends...conflict is not necessarily an indication that someone is wrong.  Difficulties may just arise.  Sometimes people just disagree...can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should...blame is just an excuse to keep busy so I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness."

p.190, "...basic principles is living "One Day at a Time, and nature surrounds me with wonderful role models...All of creation is going about the business of living.  If I keep my eyes open, I can learn to do the same."  "I discovered the secret of the sea in meditation upon a dewdrop."---Kahlil Gibran

As We Understood, p.248, His wife said it was time they talked.  They went for a walk.  He started repeating the Serenity Prayer  and "Let Go and Let GOD" to himself, turned over the results, whatever they might be, over to his Higher Power, and asked for acceptance.  The result was the end of their marriage...not what he wanted to hear, wanted to hear they were in love and would live happily ever after.  Later met someone, mutual love, etc.  So they married.

In All Our Affairs, p. 173, titled Doing What's Right for Me, "...been on my own...the freedom I feel in my inner person is indescribable.  It's so good not to be struggling to survive the fear of the emotional and physical abuse...She said, "Mom, you are a big girl, and you can do what you want; you don't owe me an explanation."...both partners have to be willing to do the hard work it takes for each to become healthy individuals, and then to work together and support each other in building a healthy relationship."

Dear Lord GOD  Creator Almighty, You're awesomely amazing!  Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

GOD-driven or Self-driven and Emerging from a Cocoon

I notice...when I feel a strong surge of energy, reacting to others...what they say, do, etc....there's usually something there for me, about me...it has nothing to do with them...it's all about who??? LOL

I l-o-v-e the readings this morning, as usual.  I need this time.  To reflect, connect, be at peace...with my Higher Power.  It's like gassing-up the car, recharging the battery...empowering, refocus, get on track, head in the right direction...What good is being all-charged up but heading in a destructive, unhealthy, negative direction?  Self-driven.  GOD-driven.  Which will it be?

I suppose the blog is too long and I could've, would've, should've written shorter notes for reference but I'm selfish in this way.  I need the reference material as concise as possible.  Later on, some unknown future day, when feeling like crappola, my future self can read this and feel better, I'm sure.  She'll know I'm thinking and caring about her.  I am here.  All along...not alone.

Day by Day, "Our prayers are always answered, but sometimes the answer is "No."...There is another saying in our program that makes a lot of sense to us, "We should work every day as if everything depended on us, and pray every day as if everything depended on GOD."...Lord, I may not have lived up to my capabilities in the past, but I can start now with YOUR help."

Daily Reflections, p.195, "When I, without falsely diminishing myself, accept my honest limitations and turn to GOD's guidance, my worst faults become my greatest assets."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, 187, "'The non-alcoholic in the family doesn't seem to realize that the alcoholic is in a terrible vulnerable position.  He must be constantly on guard, because he knows, deep down inside, how much trouble he is bringing to the family.  He knows he is wide open to criticism.
     "But did it ever occur to you that your tantrums and harsh words are like whipping a sick dog?  Remember, he's lashing himself---all the time.  If you apply more lashes, you're inviting him to transfer some of his guilt to you.  This can keep him from hitting his 'bottom' and realizing how much he needs help to find sobriety.'
     "...will try to understand how desperately the alcoholic suffers from guilt...will not yield to the impulse to kick him when he is down.  We both suffer in different ways from alcoholism.  I, who have GOD's gift of sobriety, must be the one to realize his dissatisfaction with himself, no matter how defiant and defensive he may appear."

Courage to Change, p.187, "...detachment is the freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs.  This freedom allows me to keep my own identity and still love, care about, and identify with the feelings of others...I can identify without needing to remove their pain...Today I don't have to like everything my alcoholic loved one says or does, and I don't have to change her, even when I think she's wrong.  I continue to learn how to care without taking everything personally...can detach and still love, still feel...can learn to take care of my own business while allowing others to tend to theirs.  Today I can detach without losing compassion."  A quote from George Herbert, "Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge."

As We Understood, p.245, "Emerging out of a cocoon of being dependent on others was hard work...scary....Learning who I was and what I needed and wanted was a slow process of learning and re-learning...like a film was being removed and my sight was being restored...had depended on others for my security, my well-being, and my happiness...let others make my decisions for me.  I knew all the ways to get someone else to do just that.  If my cocoon was threatened, I drew up tight inside of it and withdrew from others for awhile.
     "I am the one who built the webs around myself...With GOD's help and guidance,  am growing wings...relationships more meaningful...world is broader...faith is deeper...respect myself more.  I do not have to live in your image anymore; therefore, I can see who you are, too.  Sight restored, my hearing got better too.  I can hear what you like, what you need, without being threatened...can learn from you and retain my uniqueness...can share with you and not expect you to live in my image...Today, I am building on the good qualities I have.  Taking a look at the things that obstruct my own growth and accepting the whole of me, knowing the things I still do not like about myself,  I can change, with faith and patience.  I know this is true because I have the experience of the changes I have already made behind me."

In All Our Affairs, p.172, titled Taking Time to Decide, "...been asked by my spouse to take on a big responsibility, one I don't know if I can handle.  I agree it needs to get done, but when I'm really honest with myself, I don't want to do it.  I want to do GOD's will, but I'm not sure what He wants me to do.  It scares me that He might want me to tackle this job...sponsor tells me to take a while to decide...about what's right for me, not designed to please...husband or to relieve any fear of disapproval from others...suggested making a list of pros and cons...often heard that if we make a decision we feel is right for us, it will be right for everyone concerned...faced with a comparable situation, she tells GOD she doesn't want to do it, and if He wants it of her, would He please put the desire in her heart?  So that is what I tell GOD every morning."

Dear Sweet Lord Almighty GOD of What Was-Is-Will Be-Might Be-and Won't Ever Be, wow!  YOU're The Greatest, The One, The Source of it all.  Thank YOU for the privilege of Life.  Of breath.  Of all the gifts YOU bestow on us all.  Lord, I pray for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom, and the Willingness to Accept and TO DO IT.  Lord, please help me be of maximum benefit to YOU and my brothers and sisters.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

Healing in all our affairs

As of last week, every morning I send a text stating something good about myself to my Al-Anon sponsor.  Kewl beanz.

I've been working on the 4th Step inventory and hit a major roadblock, boulder of resistance, blockade.  Finally, yesterday, I was able to make a breakthrough to move on.  I mainly stayed stuck on my teenager years.  How many of us flubbed, dropped the ball, made multiple mistakes, etc. during the years of adolescence?  Especially regarding sexuality, sensuality, intimacy, affection.  Jeesh.  I made plenty.  I look back at my younger self and embrace her, hold her close and say I love her no matter what, and no matter what, will always be here for her, through it all.  :)

Day by Day, "...no longer wake up in the morning saying, 'I don't have to escape because it is a holiday.'  We wake up appreciating our sobriety and cleanness, and just live the day to the best of our ability."

Daily Reflections, p.194, "The 12 Steps have helped to change my life in many ways, but none is more effective than the acquisition of a Higher Power."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.186, "...I took too much on myself in trying to engineer solutions.  Now I know I can only make right decisions by referring my problems to Him."

Courage to Change, p.186, "I am free to be myself.  This is a come-as-you-are program."

Hope for Today, p.186, "...I fear intimacy as much as I crave it.  I enjoy it for awhile, but then  start feeling like I'm losing myself in the other person.  I have some damaging perceptions about my body and its imperfections...often question my spontaneous inner urges to give someone a fond hug or kiss...didn't realize it at first, this healing started when my sponsor suggested I take an inventory of my sexuality, sensuality, intimacy, passion, affection, self-expression, and desire.
     "...First, I learned to recognize, accept, trust, and enjoy my instincts and expressions...learned how to set guidelines for myself and others regarding acceptable and unacceptable sexual behavior.  A quote from Sexual Intimacy and the Alcoholic Relationship, p.40, "...learned that sex is only part of intimacy---that intimacy encompasses caring and sharing, laughing, crying, and praying together, touching and hugging, giving and taking."

As We Understood, p.242, "...I no longer have to judge my behavior and feelings by the opinions of others and I do not have to feel responsible for the actions of others, no matter how close we are.
     "Today I can make healthy, life-giving, life-affirming, choices for myself.  If I find myself reacting to emotional frenzy in others, I can remove myself from the situation or I can contribute calmness and assurance that even the worst problems have a way of coming to a resolution.  I know that no problem lasts forever, so I no longer feel that urgent need to find the perfect solution in the next ten minutes.
     "...learned to share my problems with others.  I no longer have to make decisions without benefit of the insight and experience of others who have traveled a similar path....almost everyone I knew was in deep emotional pain and had no resources for me to draw on.  I learned that I could not make healthy choices by basing decisions on unhealthy role models...I can admit that I am human, I make mistakes, and I can go on from where I am.  I do not have to stay in indecision and misery.
     "...When I see people close to me make what I believe are foolish decisions, I can say, "Live and Live."  In the unlikely event that they ask my opinion, I can offer it, but what they do with it is their decision.
     "Today, I can turn them over to GOD....It is not in our power to control the actions, attitudes or disease of another human being.  Only GOD can heal him and direct his path.
     "...led me to a faith in GOD today which is based on acceptance of the world as it is.  I no longer agonize over how the world should be.  GOD created this world and I am responsible for using my talents and gifts to make a positive contribution to the world today...has led me through this life and given me the gifts of acceptance and faith and it is up to me to share them with others."

In All Our Affairs, p.172, "...learned that my Higher Power can use my unwise decisions to teach me and that He will sustain me through the aftermath.  Some decisions are not simply choices between something good and something not-good, but more like:  "Which kind of pain can I live with most readily?"...There are times when I must hurt through a situation.  When this happen, the choice is not whether to hurt or not to hurt, but what to do while I am hurting.  I can function productively while I heal or I can turn my face to the wall and hide a while.  I have done some of both, but at least I know now that I have the choice."

Dear GOD Almighty Creator of It ALL, thank YOU for It ALL.  Love, Carol xoxox

Sharing

Well, I looked for the Hotshots on YOUTUBE and found the particular ones I was thinking of...the Apache 8...

Apparently they are not the ones who died in Arizona.  Anyway, GOD bless them all.

I went to the Al-Anon Women Only meeting last night.  Again, it's so crowded there are not enough chairs.  A couple of women sat on the floor.  Jeesh.  How would it feel to have that many Hispanics attend the Saturday Spanish meeting????  It's all a GOD thing and on GOD's time.  I definitely feel humble.  I just keep showing up.

Yesterday I received a call from one of my recovered friends and she said I'm invited to attend AA in prison.  A Texas prison.  On the 27th.  What a privilege.  I put this in GOD's Hands.  If I can be of service...

Day by Day, "We can spare ourselves unnecessary heartaches if we carry our experience to the meetings for feedback."

Daily Reflections, p.19, "...learn of GOD's love for me only by the experience of my dependence on that love."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.185, "'The only difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is in how you use them.'"  ...nobody can put stumbling blocks in my way, because I'm learning how to use them to step on as I progress to a saner way of living...can refuse to let them block my path...can imagine each is one of the 12 Steps...Obstacles cannot keep me from finding the good in my life and following where it leads.  Nothing can get in the way of this---unless I let it...action:  to change my view of myself and the world I am creating around me."  A quote from Tennyson, "...men may rise on stepping stones of their dead selves to higher things."

Courage to Change, p.185. "I do not know what is better for other people."  A quote from Living with Sobriety, "When I stopped dwelling on how things would probably work out, I was better able to pay attention to what I was doing."

Hope for Today, p.185, "...I do my best to focus on sharing the positive rather than the negative."

As We Understood, p.242, "This quality of life and mental health are contingent upon my maintaining a fit spiritual condition and sharing my program with others."

In All Our Affairs, p.171, "...taught me:  the knowledge that I have choices...helped me focus my attention on what I could do about my situation, instead of concentrating all my attention on what I thought the alcoholic should do.  I was the one who had to take a stand."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, how truly great Thou art!   Your Power, Compassion, Wisdom., Love and Grace rule mightily.  Thank YOU so much for the abundance of blessings YOU bestow on us all.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life and the Present.  Lord, I pray only for knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to Accept and To Do It.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

The Incredible, Brave, Honorable Hotshots

Some time ago, I watched the PBS documentary on the "Hotshots" which is an elite group of women and men firefighters (most of them Native Americans) who go into very unstable conditions to help stop fires.  Yesterday the news was 19 of them were killed the night before while fighting a wildfire...even though they used their emergency shelters, they died.  I grieved hearing of their loss...and their families' loss.  At first I could only think about the sadness and later, much later, I started to remember, honor and celebrate their incredible bravery, courage, and willingness to face dangers to help others that most of us wouldn't dare.  Dear GOD Great Spirit, I put them all in YOUR Mighty, Loving, Hands.  As YOU Will.

 After arriving home from work last night, I fed Elvis, watched about 5 minutes of TV then fell asleep, slept all night and felt grateful to be here.

Day by Day, "Here, Lord, am I.  Use me as a channel of YOUR blessing to others that I may not worry, but carry YOUR faith."

Daily Reflections, p.192, "...the heart of true sobriety:  serenity with myself, with others, and with GOD as I understand Him."

One Day at a Time with Al-Anon, p.184, "Until I am impelled to share with others what I get from this program, my own progress will be limited."

Courage to Change, p.184, "If I am getting in the way of my best interests, a closer look at my behaviors can lead to positive changes.  By focusing on myself, I move toward freedom and serenity today."  A Liberian proverb, "Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator of it All, thank YOU for it all.  YOUR Will be done..  Love, Carol xoxox

A Human Being not a Human "Doing"

The spiritual malady affects my ability to see.  Seeing in the physical becomes like an old-timey picture with faded edges, the peripheral blunted and foggy.  Seeing how I really feel or being able to see how others truly feel are blunted, askew.   Disconnected.  The world feels gray, lifeless, or jagged and sharp, what's the point in looking?  The vision line is like using a set of binoculars that aren't even needed.  Too close and I can't see.  Too far and I can't see.  Put them aside and look at it all the way it really is.

Using the Steps, the principles of the program, help me see Life in an entirely different way.  Seems to me, in the movie, The Notebook, one of the characters describes life as having "sparkle".  And it does.  It shines.  When I'm in the Spirit, life seems to become vibrant, vivid, and alive.

One of the phenomena that fascinates me is how the same mind can flip from maximizing everything into massive, desperate, catastrophic proportions then flip , at will, to minimizing everything down to such a subatomic level it almost appears non-existent.  Depending on perspective.  This, in turn, affects the emotions.  Kewl beanz.

This is especially true in the family system besieged by the topsy-turvey, wonky world of addictions.  Everybody gets to take turns at "crazy"  If it ain't one, it's the other.  Depends on who's telling the story.  LOL  Who's got "control"...

I must Let Go and Let GOD.  Who's large and in charge?  Submit and do the deal...surrender to my Higher Power, one day at a time.

Day by Day, "We can be set free by starting today to seek our principals, our truth, our freedom."

Daily Reflections, p.191, "I let myself be comforted in knowing that my life is now in the Hands of a Master Craftsman who is shaping each part of my life into a unique work of art."

Courage to Change, p.183, "...spent far too much time feeling badly about who we are and what we have done...harshly criticized by others or we may have simply lost perspective and become overly hard on ourselves...opportunity to stop that kind of self-destructive thinking...takes time for old doubts to fade and wounds to heal.  Self-confidence...grows with practice...begin by acknowledging that we do have positive qualities...make extra effort to counteract them (negative thoughts) with positive thoughts.  For every defect we identify, we can also try to name an asset...helpful to list 5 or 10 things about our day that we have the right to feel good about before we go to sleep.

"With practice, we learn to treat ourselves with gentleness and compassion. We all have admirable qualities, and we owe it to ourselves to let them shine.  Today I will make an effort to remember that I am a terrific human being."  A quote from Langston Hughes, "Ever'thing there is but lovin' leaves a rust on yo' soul."

As We Understood, p.239, "I had started working the 2nd and 3rd Steps, not out of faith or belief, but because it worked for other people and maybe "It' would work for me.  And I believe"It" did."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.183, "The gift of life is personally mine---as his belongs to him---to enjoy or destroy, as each of us wishes...Adjusting myself to things as they are, and being able to love without trying to interfere with or control anyone else, however close to me---that is what I search for and can find..."  A quote from Thomas A'Kempis, "If thou attend to thyself and to GOD, thou wilt be little moved by what thou perceivest outside thee."

Hope for Today, p.183, "...an obstacle to success...dominance. ..learned that sometimes it's necessary for me to let go whether or not a replacement has stepped forward.  No one can pick up the ball until I've dropped it...learned what I view as a finely developed sense of responsibility may actually amount to dominance....I cannot attempt to direct the affairs of the group without standing in the way of the group's recovery or my own."

In All Our Affairs, p.169, "...felt I must be worthy to be loved and tried to earn love.  I was always doing something...heard, 'GOD made us human beings, not human "doings"'....have found by "being" I can enjoy the present, living "One Day at a Time."

Dear GOD Creator of it All, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox