MYOB is a life skill that really works. Where do my rights to live my life however I want end and your rights to live your life however you want begin? At the end of our noses.Before arriving in the 12 Steps rooms, I thought and believed in such a different way it is hard to explain. Lying (although in my mind there was no way to admit this because it was ALWAYS justified), manipulating, conniving and relying on my best thinking as if I am the solution to mine and everybody else's problems was how I lived my life.
I was always nosy, asking questions, wanting to sniff out the "problems" so I could be "helpful". I was a busybody wanting to be "needed". My family of origin promoted this. I remember visiting my mom, to say "hi" and see how she was doing then she'd start telling me all the problems of her household from the smallest to the biggest and before I realized it I was enmeshed, very busy in problem-solving and cleaning up her messes. Or there were times I arrived at her house, no one would be there because she was on a binge and staying at her lover, Pilo's house. Well, I'd get busy washing the piles of dirty clothes strewn everywhere, picking up the beer cans and wine bottles, and cleaning the kitchen where maggots crawled on stale food on dishes and pans, and disinfecting the house. Normally my mom was not like this and took a lot of personal pride in her house cleaning except when she was on a drunk, she didn't give a damn. I learned to stop doing this and to keep hands-off, let her clean-up her own messes.
I remember talking a lot on the phone and the main topic of conversation was about "other people's business". This took-up a great deal of my time. It was quite titillating, entertaining and kept the focus off me. After all, oh my gosh, have you heard what happened to so-and-so? It has taken MANY life lessons for me to learn to stay out of other people's business. This doesn't mean I stopped caring about them. It means I stopped playing the role of "rescuer" and moved out of the way. Sounds so simple but hard as heck to do because I am one of those who has a natural, built-in inclination to want to help others. Not everybody is this way. Where I needed re-education was in learning the difference between "helping" vs. "enabling". Al-Anon is a powerful teacher in helping learn to keep the focus on me. I am forever grateful to the Al-Anon program and fellowship for its tremendous gifts of love. Here also are a few resources that helped me re-educate...
Enabling - When Helping an Alcoholic or Addict Really Isn't Helping
alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa052197.htm
Many times when family and friends try to help alcoholics, they are actually making it easier for them to continue in the progression of the disease.
Enabling Behavior
www.internet-of-the-mind.com/enabling_behavior.html
Enabling behavior is born out of our instinct for love. It's only natural to want to help someone we love, but when it comes to certain problems -- helping is like ...
Enabling Behaviors and the Effects of Enabling
www.egetgoing.com/drug_addiction/enabling.asp
Information about enabling behaviors, the effects of enabling and how to identifyenabling behavior.
2 comments:
Catching myself gossiping of late. I've been especially annoyed when my mother does this between my brother and i - gossiping about him to me and vice versa so I am particularly annoyed that I'm doing it. I feel like I shed a lot of junk this month. I feel lighter, yet new junk rises to the surface! Gotta keep working on this stuff!
Yep. Recovery is an on-going process...not about perfection. There is something so seductive about gossiping! omg WHEN I REMEMBER: I change the subject, like---talk about me(lol), "how about the weather?",flat-out say something like "I'm working on if I feel the need to gossip about anybody I only want to hear or say positive things about them, ok? Otherwise I feel uncomfortable and I'll go do something else." Or just quietly remove myself from the engagement.
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