It's been awhile since I wrote. So much has happened, good and bad. Such is Life. Now, I am 70 earth-years and still continue to not drink alcohol, smoke weed or take sneaky pills, etc. If that's the least I can say, it's a*w*e*s*o*m*e. I'm very grateful.

You know, I'm one of those "special" people who, even though I don't use alcohol, weed, etc. I still seem to struggle at times with emotional and mental sobriety. I still sometimes struggle to MIND MY OWN BUSINESS and stay out of GOD's BUSINESS.

Sometime around last year, I decided to start recording the daily morning literature readings because no sooner read, I went about my day and promptly forgot what the heck was the reading! So in efforts to learn, grow and REMEMBER...now I listen to the recordings on my phone when driving, washing dishes, sweeping, etc. This seems to be helping me a lot better than just reading and forgetting. Reminds me of the saying heard at meetings: "It's not that I'm a slow learner...I''m a fast forgetter."

The readings are usually in the order of:

• Day by Day, a Hazelden 1974 publication (not Conference Approved)
• Daily Reflections, AA World Services, Inc 1990 (Conference Approved Literature)
• One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, 1990 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc (CAL)
• Courage to Change, 1992 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc (CAL)
• Hope for Today, 2002 Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc 

These are not slick, professional voice recordings. Most of the time I record early in the morning while sipping on a cup of hot coffee, don't have my "teeth" in, throat still raspy, etc. It ain't pretty. LOL However, I do edit them and hopefully catch any mistakes. Also...whenever GOD is referred to as Him, Her, Goddess, etc. I pretty much keep the word "GOD" or "CREATOR" in place to keep the focus on the Higher Power instead of genders, etc.

I plan to share these in hopes they help you as much as they help me. Any little help to strengthen learning in recovery is always welcome. 

We...a simple word

May I always remember:  I need others to help me make it.

Today I do have a choice...

I remember when I was a little girl I used to think that I couldn't wait to grow up. I felt very confident that I would do a really good job as a big person, better than my parents who were running the show. I fantasized I would be great at being a mom, a provider, a worker, and anything else I wanted to be. Unfortunately as I grew up, little by little, the confidence was chipped away by life's experiences. Or, maybe it wasn't the experiences, but my reactions to them. I had no tools to help me process those reactions and put them in their proper places.

Today I have Life Tools: the 12 Steps, Traditions and Concepts of Service...They help me define what's my part, mind my own business and stay out of GOD's business---just for Today.

This morning I wake up to a possibility. The possibility of a new day. I can use this day to be of service, to care for myself and others, to be a part of instead of being apart. I can take the point of view that Life is an incredible possibility or I can just act as if it's insignificant, of no value.  This is a Life tool called "Perspective". The skill I need to use this tool is called ”Shifting". It's like, the arm muscle is called ”bicep" and the skill to use it is "flexing" but the decision to do either one is the decision made by making a "Choice".

Just for Today...I choose to connect to my Higher Power and submit to the process of using the program to help me on this journey...yeah! 🐢

The Threads of Honesty

I've written before about the pea shell game of addiction-or rather, compulsions, urges, fixations, obsessions, whatever you want to call it.  It moves around.  If it ain't here, where did it go?

My heart goes out to all of us who have this challenge.  They say, "The truth will set you free." I believe it.

H...honesty
O...open-mindedness
W...willingness to accept

Over and over this threads in my recovery.  How honest can I be?  About me, myself and I? Not about you and others...just about me.  Where do I put myself in harm's way? How do I contribute to the problem?  What's my part in it? I see now why the old teachers taught by asking questions.  It was a method of discovery and learning.

I've ducked and dodged questions for so long.  A memory comes rising out of the mists of childhood where my mother asked me a thousand and one questions.  It seemed no matter what I answered, it wasn't good enough.  I was gonna get a whipping.  I hated her and I hated her questions.  Most of all I hated having to answer them.

Now, I'm a big girl with big girl panties plus now I get to ask the questions of myself in a kind, loving, lovable way.  I can give me a sweet, accepting, compassionate hug and encourage myself to keep on keeping on the High Road of Recovery, one step at a time, one day at a time.

For this, I am grateful.

Dear Creator, thank YOU for all the showers of YOUR blessings YOU bestow on us all today, tomorrow and yesterday.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

The notes from studying the literature this morning again brings to mind "The Matrix" which stars Keanu Reeves. 

From "Day by Day ":  "The cost of a thing is the amount of what I will call life which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run."-Thoreau

The price for drug (using) behavior is our Freedom...realize we pay too dearly to feel the Oblivion take over.  WAKE UP and pay the price for Freedom-Spiritual Growth- or we will be a slave 'til death.

Lord, please let me be free by turning my life over to You so all the Liberty I need is made available to me.

Back to Reality

Wow...it feels like forever since I blogged on my recovery or lack thereof!  LOL  It's been w-i-l-d.  Now, please understand , for ME it's felt wild while for others-no big deal.  No matter what...I still don't drink.  That's always a blessing. At least, it does give me a chance to build on something solid.  I remember when I built on dreams and hopes evaporating on dissipating fumes of alcohol vapors.

Just for today, it's true...I feel a ray of hope, a sunbeam of promise bestowed from that which is Greater than us all...my Creator, my Higher Power that I choose to call GOD.  Prayer is when I talk to GOD and meditation is when I shut up, be quiet and listen to GOD...

Thank You for this day, Lord.  May I seek and do Your Will.  I must remember to be of service to You is the highest privilege and the healthiest strong basic foundation to build one day at a time. Sincerely, Carol

The Family Legacy of Illness 1954

Ok....too much has happened...w-a-y too fast...where do I begin? There have been some traumatic events so I may be unfolding them with time...

Finally, I have an Alanon sponsor who was sponsored by someone who took her through the Steps then she took me through the Steps...excellent! She's awesome and has helped me so much!  How I went through the Steps in AA was very different than in Alanon.  My experience was "Hope you make it" in AA, whereas in Alanon it was "Let me help you make it".  I'm confident it was the difference in sponsors and not in the Steps of the programs.  I love them both for each taught me great lessons.  Now I know...how NOT to do and How to do it.  Thank You, Higher Power.

Note:Let go of childish "all or nothing" attitude and apply realistic standards.

One of the things that happened since I last wrote was my son asked if I'd seen the picture of me in the newspaper of when I was a baby.  Uh, no.  He said his dad's father was a packrack (follow that thought lol), in other words, his grandfather saved a bunch of newspapers in the garage.  While cleaning it out, his dad found one had a picture of my mother entering a paddy wagon! What???!

Email to my younger brother:

Apparently his father was a pack rat n he found it in the stuff. I remember finding another newspaper article about that incident n the picture was different because it only had Ray n Rudy sitting on a bed n stuff strewn everywhere. I will be talking to my Alanon sponsor bout those pics. Bring a lot of feelings up. Most of all very grateful for 21 years of sobriety. On Saturday I was on a panel of volunteers who spoke at the Austin Transition Center and hope n pray if just 1 person received the message that change is possible, there IS a way out, then I served my life purpose in that moment. Those pics remind me where we come from, Cliff. We've come a long way...love ya, Carol

mom covering her face

Notes:  We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior. Need not tolerate violence or abuse, I have choices I didn't recognize before. Set some limits, not to control others, but to offer myself guidelines so I will know what is and what is not acceptable and what to do about it. One person I still accept unacceptable behavior from - me. I continued berating myself, blaming myself when things went wrong, never gave myself credit for my efforts, told myself I was homely, thoughtless, lazy, stupid. I can start treating myself like a valued friend and stop standing in the way of my own recovery. I've been affected by a disease of attitudes. When I treat myself with love and approval, I know that I am recovering. "Let one therefore keep the mind pure, for what a man thinks, that he becomes."

me

I think that's my brother Rudy still in diapers

Notes: I pray for the Enlightenment to make my detachment loving, not cruel. Let it not be a wall between us, but a bond of mutual respect for one another's individuality. Stay objective and not take personally everything that is said or done. Detach, by not allowing myself to become involved emotionally.

my mom covering her face

Lighten up. Focus on recovery. Learn to laugh at myself and eventually teach others I sponsor to laugh also. Stop taking myself too seriously.

I remember Walter, he always had mannerism like he was thinking

 Notes:  Slips. I experience them most when I'm caught off guard by someone with whom I have a complicated history... No matter what adult thoughts or feelings I'm having beforehand, I almost always revert to acting like a little girl... These are peculiar encounters, as if the person I was many years ago suddenly inhabits my mind and body. It takes me several hours, sometimes days, to come back to my adult self. Inevitably, when I recall my behavior, I feel as if I've lost my program. Thanks to "Progress, not perfection" and "Easy does it" slogans help me better at accepting my slips... Strive to give myself credit for how far I've come and to learn something from my mistakes. Remind myself that I have all the time I need to improve. Recovery is not a contest. Notes: Dear Creator, thank YOU for the blessings YOU shower on us all. All to YOUR glory, as YOU Will. Love, Carol

Pause...

I have a Homedics sound machine that plays the sounds of the ocean.  The lapping of water, ebb and flow, slowly back and forth, the wind sound of a conch shell.  On and on.  It's very relaxing.  There is something about it that I can even sometimes get the smell of the ocean wafting on my nose, the sensation of the sea breeze touching my skin and it's like I'm really there while in reality, I'm here at the house.   At times I turn it on so my dogs can relax, chill-out for  awhile.  Me, too.  LOL

I'm one of those who benefit from taking a break, pausing.  Just for a moment...

Dear GOD, help me to be of service.  Love, Carol xoxox

Criticizing

Well, yesterday I felt a strong, weepy moment as I thought of my daughter moving away.  I can be such a drama queen.  Jeesh.  Instead, let me celebrate and enjoy the thought she has wings to fly.  To choose her own life's path of adventures to and fro.  Lord, please help me let go and get out of the way.  I put her in YOUR awesome, loving hands.  as YOU Will.

Anyway, it's been a while but I remember a time when Sho was really into criticizing me.  I felt worse and worse.  Every tactic I used to stop him just didn't seem to work until finally I jokingly told him one night, "You know what, Sho?  All that criticizing you're doing is not you.  That's a demon of criticism."  When I told him that he reacted as if I'd reached across space and slapped him because he jerked back.  "What do you mean?," he asked.  I talked with him about how I knew he loved and cared for me, how he looked out for me, helping me.  The criticism wasn't loving but was controlling, hateful, uncaring.  That's not how I saw him.  It's been such awhile that I'd forgotten about it but just the other day it reared its ugly head again and I said, "Are you criticizing me?" Poof.  It was gone.

Hmmm...

April 22..."Lord, help me today to face what I really am and to stop using excuses to avoid the task of learning...New soil---new roots...Love can replace hate when I can bring myself to nurture it with hope, and with faith in the inherent goodness of another human being..It's so important to concentrate on the first three Steps long enough to build a strong spiritual foundation....Kindness, compassion, love and humor.  Instead of weighing me down, these lift me up into the light and life of recovery."

Dear Creator, thank YOU so much for the love YOU bestow.  Thank YOU for the abundance of beauty, compassion and mercy.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Reflection of Beauty, Unity, and Diversity

I look back in time and see how my mother kept us in various stages of fear and insecurity.  Her parenting style seemed to swing from one extreme to another.  From varying stages of rigid oppressive fear and insecurity to way overly permissive, "do whatever you want, just leave me alone".

"Just wait until your father comes home.  You're gonna get it."

I used to look up to my dad.  I thought he was awesome, loving and caring, not like her at all.  Of course, I didn't see him most of the time.  He was either in jail, prison, or on the streets trying to hit the jackpot or scoring dope with most of the money he made playing dominoes or conning people.  What I didn't see was his abuse by abandonment, not being there, not providing, not protecting.

When he was home, it felt magical, an illusive dream.  Now we can be a family with a father and a mother.  We might be poor but we have each other.  Love will keep us together.

Except there was one fly in the soup...the illness of addiction and it messed us all up.  None was excluded...

As I work the 4th Step, more and more the memories come back and the feelings attached to each one.  My sponsor and I have an appointment for May 18th to do my 5th.  God-willing...

April 21..."When we come to understand that living today means turning to the Source of Light, then our reflection will be a beautiful one of kindness and love...Fear  blocks my appreciation of beauty, tolerance, forgiveness, service, and serenity...Examine your motives...Pray to let go of my own rigidity, that I might see the beauty of unity in diversity...Today I'll allow others to say what they think and allow myself to think about what they say."

Dear GOD, may I be of service a

nd do YOUR Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Life Throws Curve Balls or...Can't see the forest for the trees

You know, life throws curve balls of unexpected situations.  I am fascinated on how it all threads together and at the time it's happening, doesn't seem to make sense but later...it all comes together.

April 20..."To accomplish YOUR Will for me today, I must let go of my own conflicting will...When I put GOD in charge of my thinking, much needless worry is eliminated and I believe He guides me throughout the day...When I'm trying too hard to change things, when I forget to let go---when I demand too much, too soon, of myself and others, I'll ask GOD to remind me that Easy Does It...Sometimes I have to fight the old urge to keep quiet at all costs, but I have found that sharing is the key to healing...Letting go of what I do not truly need---whether it be old thoughts, things, or behaviors---makes room for new growth in my life."

Dear GOD, thank YOU for it all...every moment.  Love, Carol xoxox

Good Morning, GOD vs Good god, it's morning

Life gets b-u-s-y.  Wow!  What a roller coaster ride!  I awoke at 5 am yesterday, read a page or two of the literature, re-learned how to sew a blind stitch on one of the pairs of slacks I bought last Saturday, ironed clothes, showered, dressed, went to pick up my daughter so we could carpool to a training conference, received a certificate for working at the same agency for 15 years, dropped her off at her apartment, went home to walk Elvis and Vicente, closed my eyes for a power nap, changed clothes, went to work, the relief person's car broke down so I wasn't able to leave until 8:45 pm, arrived back home about 9:25, cooked a couple pieces of flounder fish, ate, fed the dogs, on and on.  Finally, rested at 11 pm.  GOD is good.  I slept like a baby.  That was yesterday.

This is today.

REMEMBER:  Good morning, this is GOD.  I will be handling all your problems today.  I will not need your help so you have a great day.  I love you!

April 18..."Commonplace acts of kindness are a way to GOD even more than grand and glorious acts...When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with GOD...But even more important, relaxing saves wear and tear on our emotions and preserves our own dignity...As we practice treating others fairly, with love and respect, we ourselves become magnets for love and respect'-In All Our Affairs ..."I don't regret the past, because I am turning my painful history into today's blessings and strengths"---Survival to Recovery, p.88

Dear GOD, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Near Misses

Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show mentioned that an asteroid the size of 3 football fields whizzed by the Earth night before last.  Really?

How many "near misses" do we all experience every day that we know of or know nothing at all about?  What guarantees do we have we will be here next year, month, etc?  We have none.  Life is precious, fleeting, temporary, precarious.

I feel humbled just to think about it.

April 16...'work hard to hold onto our ideals when lack of belief, fear and selfishness stand in our way...If we were to live, we must be free of anger...May I always keep in the forefront of my mind that I am not all-wise and all-powerful.  Only GOD is that--and it is on HIM that I must rely...what I go through life is not as important as how I interpret the experience...I recover from the inside out.  I don't have to hide behind a mask anymore because everyone can see right through me anyway.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU for helping me learn more and more to do whatever I can to stay connected to YOU.  YOU are everything.  Love, Carol xoxox

Building The Muscle of Faith

The spiritual malady takes no prisoners.  It takes to kill.  We die.  The spiritually dead.  Walking around, like we're alright.  Whistling in the dark, fearing nothing and fearing everything.  Telling each other, "I'm fine. How are you?" "Oh.  Me, too.  Things could't be better." We paste our fake smiles on, put on our masks with little eye slits to bloke the view, and go out into the world of those just like us who pretend it is all better than it really is.

We've forgotten.

We've lost touch with our life-line to GOD, the Sunlight of the Spirit, the essence of Life and truly living life.  

Except sometimes, a brief moment or so, we reconnect. 

An aroma wafting by, a glorious sky, a tweeting bird, a child's smile, a dog wagging its tail, a brush stroke of paint, a cat's soft purr, a song to hum with, a body movement, etc.  It feels so good, we want more.

Then...some of us will shrug our shoulders in resignation and cynicism,,,turn our backs and walk away...and go back to our sleepwalking, spiritual zombie life.

And some of us look around, open our heart, mind and eyes to Life, GOD, and true bliss.  We learn to practice kindness, patience, tolerance and love with ourselves and each other.  One day at a time.  We start remembering...the pure joy of just living, being here, embracing our human experience, celebrating life...and thanking GOD.  And having faith we are lovable, loving and loved greatly by our Creator.  When we do this, our muscle of faith grows and grows.  Thank GOD.

April 15'...Confidence is from the physical world and faith is from GOD ...Today I can choose to open the door to freedom and rejoice in the sunlight of the Steps, as they cleanse the spirit within me...I will pause and think before I say anything, lest my anger turns back upon me and makes my difficulties even greater..."When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out"...Detachment---an opportunity to make a choice.  I can focus on the problem or I can attach to my Higher Power and see what is before me with fresh, new eyes and thoughts.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU again and again for the privilege to be here on Earth, thank YOU for the gift of Life.  Thank YOU for the multiple gifts YOU bestow upon us all.  Most of all thank YOU for who YOU are.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Bunny Trail of Thoughts

You know, as much as I hunger for recovery, relief from the misery of the spiritual malady, and groan and moan when it strikes where I really don't want it to---you'd think I'd do the work.  Get a piece of paper, pencil or pen, sit my ass down and DO IT!

It's true.  Pain is a great motivator.  The more it hurts, the more willing I am to go to any lengths to stop the suffering...and to stay away from it at all costs.  Because it really hurts.  Deep, deep inside.

The problem is....I just can't see my part in it.  Denial is incredibly potent.  I can't see it even if it's right there in front of my own two eyes.  It's invisible.  Even if you can see it and you tell me, "Look, Carol.  It's right there.  And it looks like this and that."  I just can't see it.

When I put pencil to paper, write ALL the crappola that comes to mind regarding my "problem", chase down every rabbit thought down through every rabbit hole and pin them down to paper.  THEN I can "see" the big picture.  My part materializes  The true, exact nature of my problem appears...Ta Da!   LOL

What a relief!

April 14...'As we grow in awareness we are like little children discovering the world all over again...After years in the dark of resentments, I have found the Sunlight.  I must let go of resentments  I cannot afford them...Listing the good and bad elements in my situation will give me new insight...Today I will pay close attention to what I tell myself.  If necessary, I'll stop in mid-thought, start over, and replace negative illusions with positive thoughts...accept the things I cannot change, as well as appreciate the life my Higher Power has so abundantly given me.'

Dear GOD, YOUR love makes it all worth everything.  Thank YOU for this moment...love, Carol  xoxox

The Clothes Miracle

It's an interesting time.  I want to look for another job.  Ever since the wreck in July 2012 I've hobbled along, struggling to make ends meet, waiting for the insurance to do the right thing blah, blah, blah.

Yesterday I stopped at a yard sale, just on the chance they might be selling fabric.  I thought maybe I could sew a couple of things to wear to interviews.  Instead the lady had clothes---my size---and she sold them for 25 cents a piece because I was the last customer!  26 very nice tops, 13 slacks, 3 very nice skirts!!! And a few other things.  All for $12.50.  I had $13 and gave it to her.  Wow.  Oh, my GOD!!! I felt moved---gifted.  This was definitely an instance where GOD did for me what I could not do for myself.  No doubt in my mind.

April 13'...Rehearse GOD consciousness---kindness, patience, love...In the same degree that I actively demonstrate my empathy with them *those genuinely less fortunate than I*, I will lessen my own exaggerated suffering...Keep in mind that we can live only in the present and that all the rest of life is either past or uncertain..."The highest form of wisdom is kindness."-The Talmud...Reaction---run, blame or freeze---Choose love or fear---"The well of love refills itself, the more one gives, the more one has to give."-Lois Remembers'

Dear GOD, YOUR works are truly amazing.  Thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Campaign of Self-condemnation vs Campaign of FAITH

When problems arise, whether with others or not, it's true that the Shitty Committee starts its same old crappola, "There's something wrong with me (or them), I'll never change no matter what I do, etc."  Jeesh.

  An old habit, a thought pattern in the process of change...2 steps forward, and 3 more, 4 backward, 1 forward, etc...in a spiral...up, up, up in high places...to bask in the Sunlight of the Spirit...GOD's LOVE.  Ahhhhhh....yesssssss....LOL

April 12'...Accepting it as GOD's Will brings GOD's Grace and Glory to all concerned...Ask GOD to help me understand and accept the full meaning of the disease...When I consciously surrender my will to GOD's Will I see FAITH at work in my life...Surrender, accept my discomfort, and pray for guidance.---Things take time.  "You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or the soul of man."-Confucius'

Dear Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU so much for the gift of life YOU bestow upon us and the shower of multiple blessings YOU gift us all.  Love, Carol xoxox

All of me, Choices, Changes and the Higher Power

As I look at submitting an application, a resume and putting myself out there for a job change I am confronted with choices...and just for today, I'm grateful there are choices.  I turn this all over to my Higher Power and ask for guidance and support in making a choice where I can best be used in accordance with GOD's Will.

April 11...'A choice of freedom and a freedom of choice---realize that if I let go and let GOD, I will be free...To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time---learned that I had drunk to rid myself of those feelings...If we can recognize and admit our own shortcomings with increasing honesty, then it opens the door to a new world for us, and often makes a miraculous change in the alcoholic as well...Alanon is the light that helps me find my way in the dark...A fully-developed relationship with my Higher Power is one in which I share all of me, not just the parts that feel troubled and in need.'

Dear GOD, as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

False Evidence Appearing Real

Well, one of my daughters is moving out of state and I'm starting to grieve this upcoming change.  I've been incredibly privileged to have most of my loved ones live close-by.  My selfishness rears its ugly head in that I don't want her to move so far away  What if something happens?  What if she needs me and I can't help her?  That fearsome fear-based thinking takes off...and the program kicks in and on...thank GOD.

April 10...'Lord, with Your Grace may I change conditions inside myself to make a place for good things rather than troubles...Being a little kinder, a little slower to anger, a little more loving makes my life better---day by day...Being at peace with myself, which is my ultimate goal, embracing all others...Problem was not in recognizing the harm I'd done, but in letting go of my exaggerated sense of responsibility---Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them...The GOD of my understanding wants me for my availability as well as for my abilities.  When I become willing to act on faith, GOD helps me create miracles for myself and assist others in creating their own.---GOD doesn't call the qualified.  GOD qualifies those who are called.  Am I listening?'

Dear GOD, YOU're the bestest.  Love, Carol xoxox

Working a 4...and remembering the thorns have roses again LOL

I am working this 4 in Alanon and the depth of rigorous honesty is WOW. Now, I thought I'd been honest before but this process is definitely a "peeling of an onion!  It's all good.

I have been at this since last year...more will be revealed, indeed.

April 9 reading blurps '...Some people neglect the program entirely and there are those who try to put it right, and those who want it to put them right---truly in my heart I want to know that if I can't, YOU can and if I let YOU, YOU will...Willingness and action open the lock and the bars made of self-will and self-indulgence...Acquire the knack of searching for the good and concentrating on it.  Much depends on meeting my problems head-on, calmly estimating their true character, refusing to exaggerate them and then drowning them out with an inspiring thought---"Thank YOU, GOD.  I can now see the thorns have roses."...As I learn that I am consistently lovable regardless of my strength or limitations, I begin to see something consistently lovable in others, even those who suffer from an unlovable disease...Learned to replace condemnation with compassion.'

Dear GOD, thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox