Gratitude Calendar and The Reins

I love to listen to songs and put my Higher Power in the mix.  For example, "You are the wind beneath my wings" or "Without You", etc.  So in privacy I sing to GOD the tunes of songs I love.  Very nourishing to my spirit.  LOL

Anyway, this morning in my readings what kept coming up was the stay out of GOD's business.

One tip I encountered in "Hope for Today" was a "gratitude calendar" where each day something is written down to feel grateful for.  This is a way to push the reset button...to start the day over at any time.  Good idea.

Another thing I read (Alanon's "12 &12", p.19) where it mentions that a slip is when we "take back the reins into our own hands".

I've heard it said that before an alcoholic ever relapses and takes that drink, or addict takes their chemical of preference, the relapse happened long before in their minds.  Just like the Alanon.  We all "take back the reins into our own hands".

Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for all.  YOU're The Greatest.  I hand it all over to YOU and I work to keep my hands off.  Please, Lord, give me knowledge of YOUR Will and the courage, strength, wisdom and Willingness to ACCEPT and To Do It.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Alphabet List of Gratitude

When I was little my older brothers teased me mercilessly and were excessively cruel as children can be when in cahoots.  It was like, if they were separate and alone, each one was okay but when together it seemed they sprouted devil horns and egged each other on.  I begged, cried, pleaded, and fought back with words or physically defended myself but to no avail.  The feelings of hopelessness, dejection, rejection and  failure welled up in me.  And there was nothing I could do about it.  If I told my mom she would take their side or once in a while when she felt like it, she'd get onto them but behind her back they'd threatened to get me back later...and they followed through.  One of the things I heard from Ray and Rudy was how stupid I was because they knew the alphabet and knew how to read and write and I didn't.  I was still at home and not even in kindergarten yet.  I remember begging my mom to please teach me the alphabet and so sometimes, even though she was busy cleaning house or with the palote (rolling pin) making a huge pile of tortillas, she'd tear a piece of paper from a brown grocery bag and with a cast-down nub of a pencil without an eraser, she'd show me the sticks used to draw "A", etc.  I thank her for that.  Even though she's long dead now, I still hold the memory dear and close to my heart of her trying to teach me so my brothers would stop using my ignorance as a weapon against me.

Intelligence, or how "smart" we were was greatly prized and so I set out to prove how smart I was to my brothers but again to no avail because what I didn't know was due to lack of experience.  They were older than me and had the experiences of reading, going to school, having opportunities for growth I didn't have.  No matter how hard I tried...I failed.  I grieved this and internalized this as a clear sign that I really was stupid, stupider than-----every body else.  So I hid this by trying to act like I was smarter.  So I hid behind "intelligence".  Like the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous", page 12, "...the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years".

The god of intellect was a very cold, lifeless substitute and I know where my best thinking took me...to the rooms of the 12 STEPs where I found the greatest treasure of all my life.  I found my way back to my Higher Power that I choose to call GOD.  And I learned that my intelligence is compatible with GOD as long as I put GOD first.  Bill W. wrote about this on page 30, "Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions".

I automatically put GOD first when I remember to make a gratitude list.  One idea I learned was to use the alphabet as a tool to list gratitude, page 60, "As We Understood".  You see, it's not I'm so smart anymore or depending on me for all the answers to life's problems and perplexities...it's that I'm learning to keep an open mind, a honest heart, and a willingness to read the literature, go to meetings, pray, help others help me, etc.  It's all good.

Dear Sweet Higher Power, thank YOU for all YOU Are-Be-Do.  I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are the Center of All and the Source.  Please continue to help me stay on this pathway of the Sunlight of the Spirit.  Love, Carol xoxox

The One-Way Track to Hell

Well, last night I received a call from an Alanon friend who was highly agitated...

"...while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless..." page xxvi, "Alcoholics Anonymous", Chapter "The Doctor's Opinion".

While the alcoholic drinks to drown out what he (or she) thinks and feels...the untreated Alanon *thinks* and   *feels* while relying on their own thoughtlife for the solutions to all their problems, and the alcoholic's problems, and the world's problems, and GOD's problems, etc. This is certainly what I did.  

Now, therein lies the fundamental problem of my illness because I got a tricky mind.  It can take me down so many rabbit holes, throw so many spins, ride every thought like trains out of Grand Central Station, uninhibitedly catapult into intergalactic flights of "what if" or "if only" or "poor me", etc.  A terribly undisciplined thoughtlife and in turn, so are my emotions because they are attached with my thoughts.

For example, the old exercise of  picture a lemon.  Imagine peeling it, smelling it.  Even as I type this my mouth waters, a slight clenching in my jaw takes place.  I can almost taste the tartness.  Just by thinking about this lemon, I experience it as if it's really happening.

My thoughtlife is powerful and greatly affects my emotions which in turn affects my behaviors, etc.  Like a train with boxcars attached to it...there I go.  The thing is my tricky mind is in the conductor's seat.  That's what I know how to do but I keep taking me a-round and a-round and a-round and a-round, picking up speed here and there or slowing down but still a-round and a-round, etc.  Going nowhere fast.  After so many years, I become AWARE enough to ACCEPT I might have to take some ACTION to stop the insanity of repeating the same old things and expecting different results.  A lot of the times I Don't Even Notice I Am Lying (D.E.N.I.A.L.) to myself and everybody else.  I lie so much and for so long that I believe my own lies which are the songs of the siren to the Bondage of Self.

Until one day, for a brief time, the mental fog lifts off the one-way track to Hell I'm on and I get a moment of clarity.  I still can't get off the track on my own power.  I got the switch in my hand but I lack the Power to make it work.  I am at the turning point...

Every day I have the opportunity to make a choice...do I stay on the track of what I know or do I ask that which is greater than you and me (I choose to call that power "GOD") to take over, guide me, lead and use me, just for today..to be of service and get off the E.G.O. (Edging GOD Out) trip of Self?

Dear Creator of All that Was-Is-Will Be-and Might Be, thank YOU for loving me and for the gift of life YOU bestow upon me and those of us still here.  Thank YOU for the rain of multiple blessings YOU shower on us all, the so-called "good" and the so-called "bad".  YOU are The One, The Greatest, The Source, The All.  How wondrous the Works of YOU're Hands.  Thank YOU again and again.  Please help me please YOU, Lord.  Show me the way to stay on the track to living life Happy, Joyous and Free.  Sincerely, Carol xoxoxo

I wrote that a volunteer named Sandra told me about Dr. Hew Len and how he does his cleanings.  Yesterday she told me about EFT at emofree.com.  Now, one thing the 12 Steps program teaches me is to have an open mind.  "There are many paths leading to the same place."  The thing is, my learned response is to keep my blinders on, resist anything new, resist change, stick with what I know, don't risk.  But here is Sandra giving so freely of what helps her so I keep an open mind.  I'm willing to try it, add to my tools of recovery.  If it works, great.  If not, no big deal because I do have the Steps, no matter what, they work every I work them.

The truth is that the 12 Steps are the basic structure of my life today, this day.   I am f-a-r from the "perfect" 12 Stepper.  The thing is no matter how imperfectly I work this program and no matter how many shortcomings I have still to turn over, I keep coming back.  One day at a time.  What  I love about this program is the incredible stretch it has, the inclusiveness, instead of exclusion.  Wow.  I just might have a chance in this day to be of service, to bridge the gap, to be free...just for today trust in my Higher Power to take care of and to guide me to be of service to GOD and to GOD's children.

Dear Kingdom Within Heavenly Creator, thank YOU for one more day to be of service to YOU. Thank YOU for the gift of Life and for the opportunity to be available to YOU.  Please help me on this path.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Imagine Basket

Well, this morning I read in "Courage To Change" about how a person was immersed in a tough problem with no solution and asked for help from the Higher Power.  Then this person remembered a meeting where a basket full of slogans written on slips of paper was passed around at a meeting for each person to pick one.  So...imagined a basket full of slogans, imagined reaching in and picking a slogan...then applied it and it worked.

I like the idea of imagining a basket and reaching in...I'm willing to try this idea out to see if it works.

I read in "Day By Day", "We must never forget where we came from and in what condition we arrived here...if we do forget, our willingness to "go to any lengths" fades away."

Which brings to mind that desperation, the depth of pain, suffering and pitiful hopelessness of hitting bottom.  That H-U-R-T.  That phenomena of "My back was against the wall and the wall was on fire.".  Where pain propels my program...do what works, whatever it takes to stop the insanity...in my mind, heart, soul and life.

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of All That Was-Is-Will Be-Might Have Been-And-Might-Be, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  YOU are The Greatest, The Best, The Source, The One.  Truly how great THOU art!  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all, loved and not-so-loved ones.  Please help me to remember to stay honest, open-minded and willing to do YOUR will in all my affairs, just for today...one day, one minute at a time.  All glory to YOU...for YOU truly can transform a mess such as me into a message as long as I stay out of the way and submit to YOU.  Wow.  YOU're awesome.  Love, Carol xoxox

To Fully Embrace Love is to Fully Embrace Life

I enjoy blogging and returning later on to re-read the blogs because it's just what I needed to remember.  I feel happy and grateful to know there are others separate from me who benefit. If this blog helps anybody else in any small way...that's more than enough.  Glad to be of service.

Yesterday I read a lovely quote in Alanon's meditation "Hope for Today" book:

     "I used to believe thinking was the highest function of human beings...I now realize loving is our supreme function.  The heart precedes the mind." from Lois Remembers, page 196

Lois touches my core issues with this quote.  My biggest struggles in life have been grounded in   my "thinking".  I learned to "live" in my head early on as a child.  I could think whatever I wanted and as long as I didn't let anybody know what I really thought or felt...I was safe.  I only spoke up when it was imperative, more dangerous not to speak up than to speak, etc.  I learned to rely on whatever I thought was in my best interest without letting on because if people knew (like my brothers, Ray and Rudy) I might be sabotaged  denied, punished, deprived just because I wanted it.  A form of punishment so I "learned a lesson".

You know, it seems to me, one of the greatest socially accepted forms of pscyhe abuse is "teaching a lesson" to another person.  After all, there's so much for me to learn, so much further to go.  Who am I to go around punishing people by "teaching them a lesson"?  When I punish someone by "teaching" them a lesson I am in GOD's business as if I know better and can do a better job than GOD.  W-a-y off course.  In the abyss.

A big challenge for me has been to learn to stay out of the "Changes Other People Need To Make" business and instead get busy working the Steps on the many changes I need to make!

Dear Sweet GOD Almighty, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities You provide for me to learn, grow, and stretch in the Sunlight of the Spirit.  Thank YOU for loving me, creating me, and giving me this incredible gift called "Life", one minute at a time, one day at a time.  I love You and thank You for loving me.  Sincerely, Carl xoxox

If you want to feel good...do good.

I like that saying.  It is in alignment with the 4 Agreements.  The "always do your best" one.  Sometimes the best I can do is take a breath.  Jeesh.

Hunter is still making it...yeah!  I still feel angry, hurt and sad whenever I think about the car wreck in July and how the driver STILL to this day denies responsibility  Wow...one day at a time.

Anyway, I am transporting my grandson and granddaughter to school for a while.  I put this in my Higher Power's hands.

Dear Higher Power, thank You for Your gracious gifts that You give so abundantly.  You are definitely the joy, joy, joy down in my heart!  Love, Carol xoxox.

Pain Propels my Program

It's certainly true for me that if I hurt enough I will get off my butt and do the work.  What is the work?  Working the Steps.  How do I work the Steps?  How I work a spiritual program?  Since it's in the "spirit", the "kingdom within", how do I "see" what the heck I'm doing or know if I'm doing it right or wrong?  How do I know it really works or is it some kind of brainwashing, hocus-pocus, wishful thinking cop-out?  Why don't I just grab a-hold of my problems and take care of it all in one fell swoop...my way or the highway?

Because my way doesn't work.  After countless efforts to be The Solution to mine and everybody else's problems and countless failures in trying to do so...I give up.  I surrender.  I get it.  I'm not the Solution...I'm the Problem as long as I think I'm The Solution.  Hilarious.  My best thinking has taken me to some real devastating places.   I've learned I cannot depend on the god of Intellect because it's limited to what I know and since I don't know everything or every possibility, etc. I really don't know, round and round I go.  Like a spinning top...where it stops no body knows.

What does work for me is learning a new way to live Life on  Life's terms...There is A Way Out...the Steps lead the way out.  I just gotta take the Steps.  Kind of like Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz" had to follow the Yellowbrick Road.  LOL

Dear Higher Power, thank You for the multiple blessings You bestow on us all.  Thank You for the Earth, the sky, the day, the night.  Thank you for the shadow that helps us see the light so we know to draw closer to You.  Thank You for the privilege of Life and may we bring glory to You.  I love You and I thank You for loving me.  You are my Life Partner forever and ever.  Amen.  Love, Carol xoxox

The GOD Line

Well, I am now back online...yeah!

You know, blogging is interesting...in its own way I can see where my ego was trying to build itself whenever the number of visitors increased and it deflated accordingly whenever the visits decreased.  Jeesh.  The honor, privilege, opportunity, etc. to share the journey and process of recuperation from a deadly spiritual disease with physical manifestations in the natural was starting to become second to how many visits the blog had.  The joy of service was diminishing its glow while the shadows cast by my ego started to loom large...maybe, just maybe, the keyboard and computer problems were a way to see where I was heading.

I've increased reading literature mainly in AA and Alanon on a daily basis, setting pen to paper in journaling, and praying to the Higher Power throughout the day.  I go to meetings on Saturdays and listen to online meetings every day, even while driving my car.   I've come a long way and I have a long way to go...one step at a time.

Today my goal is to pay attention to avoid crossing the GOD line, keep the focus on me so I Mind My Own Business, stop using other people's lives as an excuse to neglect my own, to be of service by asking GOD for guidance and support, and to stay humble by remembering---WHO'S LARGE AND IN CHARGE?

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow.  How lovely to listen to an owl gently hooting on this cold, still morning and also hear an occasional chirping bird singing its song.  YOU are The Most Highest.  All glory to YOU.  Thank YOU for the gift of Life.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

The Cleaning

Well, by this time I'm just l-a-z-y about writing my blog!  Last thing on my mind.  Jeesh.  I'm listening to Joe as he describes the clearing of obstacles...

A new feeling

If I ever met anyone in my life who I doubted could ever succeed working the 12 Steps, have 20 years of not drinking alcohol in any form, nor taking sneaky pills, nor smoking marijuana, etc. it was me.  Hey, but for the grace...here I am.  What a partnership!  I do my part...get the heck out of the way so my Higher Power can do its part...then wow...here I am.  A true living miracle.  Wow...

I get to have a new feeling.  It's called relaxation.  Less stress and agitation.  I can b-r-e-a-t-h-e in GOD's love, grace, abundance...exhale fear, hate, negativity...one day at a time.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for YOUR patience with me.  YOUR gracious gifts bestowed upon me are wonderful, lovely to behold.  Thank YOU so much for the kindred spirits I continue to meet in the 12 Steps program.  May I do YOUR will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Do the Deal

At one semester, my nephew made terrible grades at school.  I mean, almost all of them were either D or F. Now, he is very intelligent, fast to learn something new and has excellent reading comprehension.  So I asked him what was going on?  He said, "Aunt Carol, I already know everything the teachers' are trying to teach me.  So what's the point in getting a grade?"  

I answered, "It's not so much what we know...it's what we do with what we know."

Recovery seems like that to me.  I can know all I want...but it's what I do with what I know that makes the biggest difference for me.  It's when I apply what I know, do the work, do the deal...then I am producing.  

Dear GOD, thank YOU for this day, this breath.  I pray only for knowledge of YOUR will and the courage, strength, wisdom and the Willingness to Accept it and to Do it.  In Jesus Christ's name, I pray.  Amen.  Love, Carol xoxox

P P's galore and more

At last night's Alanon meeting, a woman threw out 18 p's...I wrote them down as she threw them out..

1. parents
2. personalities
3. perception
4. problem
5. pain
6. program
7. powerlessness
8. principles
9. principles before personalities
10. possibility
11. people-pleasing
12. perfectionism
13. preaching
14. perseverance
15. promises
16. prayer and meditation
17. pause
18. higher power

Wow.  I loved listening to her weave these words into the tapestry of recovery.  S-w-e-e-t.  I enjoy the effort of creativity, sharing, and experience she shared!  I'm glad I was there to hear it!  Yeah!

Anyway, on this journey I continue to embrace and enjoy the wonder of the unfolding, healing process of recovery. I am so grateful for my sponsors, sponsees, multiple blessings and opportunities of the 12 Steps/Traditions bestowed so freely.  Thank GOD.

Dear GOD, thank YOU so much for the abundance of blessings and gifts of the Spirit.  YOU truly are the Most, the Greatest, the Source, the One.  I'm very grateful and may I be willing to do YOUR will every day, all day.  One day at a time.  Love, Carol xoxox

Almost finished with Blueprint for Progress...

Well, technology is awesome...when it works like intended.  Jeesh.  I've been struggling with this computer because the Internet wouldn't function so I used the desktop BUT after so many troubleshooting events...I went ahead and restored this one to an earlier point (system restore) so can now use it for blogging.  Kewl.

I've been working on finishing the Blueprint for Progress Alanon 4th Step inventory and I'm just about through!  Yeah!  I just finished the Character Traits listing.  Wow...I've come a l-o-n-g way and still have quite a ways to go, obviously.  Hilarious. LOL

One day at a time...

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities for growth YOU provide in my life.  Thank YOU for the love, compassion, power and grace YOU provide to guide me through it all.  I am so grateful that recovery is not about perfection but is about progress.   I love YOU and I thank YOU for loving me.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Aging and a hairy chin

Well, I kept watching TV and inevitably I saw a commercial regarding unsightly, unwanted facial hair and how to remove it with an electronic hair burner.  Now, one of the things I never really had was a hairless body.  I'm one of those speciallly gifted with hairy legs, underarms, a slight mustache, etc.  As a young child I paid no mind to such things but as a teenager I felt riveted to ANY slight imperfection.  I mean, if I had a pimple on my butt check, I felt horrified and annihilated.  Jeesh.  So much shame.  I couldn't tell anyone about this.  No way.  I had to look good, avoid looking bad.

Now, fast forward to 58 years old and watching the changes my body is going through is pretty interesting.  Fuzzy hair accents on the sides of my facial chin, a heavier sprinkling of hair on my upper lip, a few rough, strong, wiry dark straggling hairs on my underchin, etc.  Oh, and before I forget, sideburns.  Jeesh.  Now, I tried plucking when there were 2 or 3 but now, forget it!  And shaving was not an option because I always heard this emphasized the unsightly hair growth.  So I bought the hair burner thing.

Now I get to walk around with burn marks where I get carried away or distracted.  Still not perfectly hairless but hey, it's not about perfection at this point.  LOL

Anyway, the whole point about this is I'm willing to try out different things and I'm keeping an open mind about this aging thing.  I do get it that aging is a privilege, not every one gets grow old.  So here I am.  And grateful.

And do get it that the 12 Steps are not for everybody who need the Steps.  The Steps are for those who want them.  And also, there are many paths leading to the same place.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the priceless gift of Life and the privilege to be here long enough to age on the Earthplane.  Thank YOU for YOU, me and families.  May I do YOUR will and be of service to YOUR children.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Daily Practicing the Steps

Over and over I encounter the idea that it's not enough to read about the 12 Steps or go to meetings or have a sponsor, etc.  I must practice the Steps.  Work them.  Just do it.  LOL

HOW...by practicing H.onesty, O.pen-mindedness and W.illingness. 

The thing is that DENIAL is so prevalent in how my eyes see GOD, myself and others.

D.on't

E.ven

N.otice

I.

A.m

L.ying

I don't even see it for what it truly is...until I use the Bullsh*t Sifter.  The 12 Steps.

Dear GOD, please help me live this day according to YOUR will and for me to stay in the present moment, to cease fighting everything and everybody, to work the Steps to the best of my ability, and to practice the code of love and tolerance with myself and every body else.  Just for today.  Love, Carol xoxox

Whew and the 5 G's

Well, I felt so happy, proud of myself for troubleshooting the computer and keyboard problem only to find the same problem crop up again...grrr.  The same beep sounded and Windows didn't come on.  Jeesh.  Just when I thought everything was fine.  What came up for me at the failure of the system to work was I didn't know what the problem could be.  I'd bought a new wireless Logitec keyboard and mouse.  It all worked.  Now suddenly again, same problem....was it the motherboard going out????  Emotionally and mentally I felt blocked.  Angry, disappointed, sad, frustrated, powerless, annoyed, aggravated, irritable, etc.  I put all that negative self-talk on hold and went to do other things. I walked away from the situation until I felt neutral, curious and available with plenty of time to explore the problem and find a solution.  Apparently the new keyboard has an "on/off" button and it had been toggled "off".  Jeesh.  Who knew?????  Anyway, problem solved and I'm back on-line.  Yeah!

What fascinates me is how quick I am to ruthlessly attack myself and others in my mind!  Wow!  I read today in one of the meditation books where it says something like, "I asked GOD to give me grace for some space between impulse and action."  Yep.  It's like that.  Sometimes I need a-l-o-t of space, as much as I can get.  Hilarious.

Yesterday I asked a person if she'd ever been to Alanon and she said, "Yes.  I went for about 2 1/2 years and the only thing I remember is the 5 Gs."....Wow.  Really.  I've never heard of the 5 Gs.  She wrote them down for me:

1.  Get out of their way
2.  Get off their back
3.  Get to a meeting
4.  Get a sponsor
5.  Get a life

Kewl.  Also, I told her about this blog and she pointed-out anonymity can be compromised by having my picture on here so I've removed it to honor this Tradition.  It's all good. 

Also, today is my first day in applying the Steps AGAIN to my health, body, food, etc.  Yeah!  I've had many Firsts...GOD be with me and also with you.  :)

Dear Higher Power, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower upon us all.  Please help me remember the 5 Gs and to thank YOU for the grace to open the space between my impulses and actions.  All glory to YOU...love, Carol xoxox

How many bottoms must I hit before I truly hit bottom?

Well, apparently I am one of those who must hit several times the same bottom then get to hit more still, etc.  LOL  When is it ever done?  Life seems to provide multiple opportunities to turn to the Higher Power, to submit to this Power that is greater than I, to surrender and Let Go and Let GOD, again and again.  Seems to be a major life lesson for me.

Kind of fascinating in a way.  Like one of those video games where you smash through barriers over and over again, each one with hidden tricksters or monsters that must be smashed, conquered before entering a newer, better domain until finally, after much trial and error, mistakes, power losses, empty loser efforts, until at last...you reach the Golden Moment...it all comes together and it's all good.  Hilarious.  Only thing is that the Game of The Truth vs. The Lie is pretty final.  Get it or don't get it.  Jeesh.  Reality or Illusion?  Sanity or Delusion?  How do I choose today?

Just read in "Day by Day" meditation book re:  Cloud Nine.  The fantasy place attained by alcohol, pills, dope, gambling, shopping, eating, sex, thrills, etc.  What a thrill!  How long does that "high" last?  I guess it depends on tolerance levels of that energy.  What used to be wanting a little taste of the thrill or risk of only one small drink, encounter, etc. slowly, insidiously grew to monstrous proportions until the need to have it took over.  More and more was needed to achieve what  used to only take a little.  Jeesh.

What truly fascinates me though is that the Solution to all my problems lies in the realm of the Spirit.  But first I needed to have THE DESIRE to put a stop to my compulsive behaviors.  And for this multi-winner, I've had to ask my Higher Power for the willingness to stop.  I am a slow learner.

Dear GOD, thank YOU for the multiple opportunities I get to have to see the truth...that I am NOT the center of the universe and neither is anyone else.  YOU are.  YOU rule.  Also, please help me remember that although I may make mistakes , I am not a mistake.  I pray for the willingness to do YOUR Will just for today.  Love, Carol xoxox

Progress not Perfection, one more time...

Well, I continue to pull out multiple 12 Step mediation books every morning, read the Big Book, How Alanon Works, the 12 & 12's of both programs, etc., etc.  I am sooooo on it!  LOL  Highlighting, underlining, drawing graphic notations in the margins.  Whatever it takes for this material to sink in, take hold, counterbalance the old tapes, the old ideas, habits of thinking, etc.  Taking on the new.  :)

What an adventure!

Also, I am working on a topic-a-day in the Alanon "Blueprint for Progress" 4th Step inventory.  Initially, I kept using the AA 4th Step from the perspective of control, judgment, criticizing, fixating, obsessing, trying to "cure", and fearing I "caused" the spiritual problem to begin with.  Like it's my fault, I'm to blame.  I'm not good enough and I'll never be.  That is the illness...it even sneaks itself into the Program or rather, it tries to but cannot stand up to the Power of the Light.  So...more will be revealed.

I really l-o-v-e my sponsees because they keep me on my toes, push me to study and apply the Steps, slogans, etc.  Jeesh.  It really does take courage to change.  :)

Dear Higher Power, please help me today to stay honest, openminded and willing just for today.  Please give me the strength, courage and wisdom to do YOUR will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Keyboard and Letting Go

My keyboard broke...weird.  I wasn't sure what was the problem but apparently it just went-out, quit working.  Finally I bought a replacement so I'm backkkkk.   :)

Anyway, the holidays were w-i-l-d and fun.  I had the family over on New Year's Day and we all milled about, had a nice time.  I really appreciated seeing their beautiful faces and enjoyed hearing their voices.  Not really sure how enjoyable their experiences were but I do think it was a roaring success.  LOL

One of the things that my sponsor pointed-out which came up in my last 5th Step was I keep messes going at the house, too much stuff, cluttered, etc. so I keep people away, gives me an excuse.  Well...like, the "stuff" is more important than people!  What!!!!!!   Grrrrrrr....that must stop.  There is no "thing" more important than them...no gold, silver, etc.  So, I've been busy, like a busy bee.  LOL  I'm amazed at how much a challenge it is for me to let go of some things.  A piece of a plastic, or a wooden object, or a this or that.  Jeesh.  It's not so much the thing itself but my attachment to it that looms large in my mind's eye.  Silly me.

So it is a new day and GOD-willing, I have a chance just for today, to choose differently.  I can choose to pick up the spiritual tool kit laid at my feet, freely given, and use those Steps, the slogans, the Traditions, the literature, my sponsor, the phone, prayer and meditation, etc. to stay in the Solution or...I can act delusional, crazy, insane like I am the solution to all my problems and every body else's...and see where that takes me every time...into the pits.

Dear GOD, just for today may I do YOUR will in everything that presents itself.  YOU are the Power, the Source, the One.  I pray I remember to Let GO and Let GOD, also to Live and Let Live.  Love, Carol xoxox