"...while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless..." page xxvi, "Alcoholics Anonymous", Chapter "The Doctor's Opinion".
While the alcoholic drinks to drown out what he (or she) thinks and feels...the untreated Alanon *thinks* and *feels* while relying on their own thoughtlife for the solutions to all their problems, and the alcoholic's problems, and the world's problems, and GOD's problems, etc. This is certainly what I did.
Now, therein lies the fundamental problem of my illness because I got a tricky mind. It can take me down so many rabbit holes, throw so many spins, ride every thought like trains out of Grand Central Station, uninhibitedly catapult into intergalactic flights of "what if" or "if only" or "poor me", etc. A terribly undisciplined thoughtlife and in turn, so are my emotions because they are attached with my thoughts.
For example, the old exercise of picture a lemon. Imagine peeling it, smelling it. Even as I type this my mouth waters, a slight clenching in my jaw takes place. I can almost taste the tartness. Just by thinking about this lemon, I experience it as if it's really happening.
My thoughtlife is powerful and greatly affects my emotions which in turn affects my behaviors, etc. Like a train with boxcars attached to it...there I go. The thing is my tricky mind is in the conductor's seat. That's what I know how to do but I keep taking me a-round and a-round and a-round and a-round, picking up speed here and there or slowing down but still a-round and a-round, etc. Going nowhere fast. After so many years, I become AWARE enough to ACCEPT I might have to take some ACTION to stop the insanity of repeating the same old things and expecting different results. A lot of the times I Don't Even Notice I Am Lying (D.E.N.I.A.L.) to myself and everybody else. I lie so much and for so long that I believe my own lies which are the songs of the siren to the Bondage of Self.
Until one day, for a brief time, the mental fog lifts off the one-way track to Hell I'm on and I get a moment of clarity. I still can't get off the track on my own power. I got the switch in my hand but I lack the Power to make it work. I am at the turning point...
Every day I have the opportunity to make a choice...do I stay on the track of what I know or do I ask that which is greater than you and me (I choose to call that power "GOD") to take over, guide me, lead and use me, just for today..to be of service and get off the E.G.O. (Edging GOD Out) trip of Self?
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