Today I go see the Ear, Nose & Throat specialist.  I will do the self-care part of my program and follow through with what I need to do.  This is for me.

Recovery is a selfish program.  I cannot give to others what I do not have to give.  If I want change, I'm going to have to change.  "Let it begin with me."  My willingness to nurture, accept and love myself is important.  Keep the focus on me...I need to change.  I need to work on keeping my side of the street clean.  GOD help me.

 

My brother

I haven't seen him in such a long time and I feel horrified to see what condition he is in.  My 52 year old brother is dying.  His earlier addictions were alcohol and other drugs but with harm reduction he no longer does those things. Instead, he sits there guzzling from his constantly replaced  bottle of Coca Cola,, his shallow dazed diabetic eyes, barely living or caring about anything beyond his Klonopin and Zyprexa or the next Marlboro cigarette he will smoke. He doesn't really care if he eats food or not as long as he has the sugary soda, cigarette and medication "to make it all better".  His addictions are in control and killing him.  It's all legal, too.  He buys the soda water and cigarettes at any store plus a doctor at the local mental health agency prescribes the medications that Medicaid pays for.  He's got it made.

I use every strategy I can think of.  I reason, beg, demand, cajole, bargain, bribe, anything I can think of--- then I remember to pray for help.  But his mind is closed, shut tight...nothing gets out, nothing gets in. I can't convince him to stay with me.  He knows I won't co-sign the bullshit   I must let go with love.   

I know my family system is saturated with addictions and none of us will be spared. 

This morning I will use my GOD box.

And I know that there, but for the 12 Steps program and the grace of GOD, go I.    

The Last Word

A woman worked at a country store that I visited frequently.  She did something a little strange every time I was leaving the store but I didn't quite know what because it was so subtle.  Finally, I knew.  Every time I said anything whatsoever, she had to have the last word.  She had a strong commitment to this. So I played the game of fighting to have the last word.  It became a competition, in my mind, of which she probably never knew.  One time I unexpectedly raced out the door so she missed the chance.  She looked so sad, bereft. I stopped "fighting" her.  It just wasn't worth it.  I made a conscious supreme effort to not only keep my mouth shut.  I made sure I spent time in departing so she had the last word.  After all, just how important was it?

Part of my recovery is to "cease fighting everything and everybody."  Others can have the last word.  I've learned to say "okay".  It doesn't necessarily mean I agree with their opinion as much as I agree they have a right to their opinion.

Plugging-in daily

My sister, Debra, owned a small hand-held vacuum cleaner she used on the carpet in her car. She let me use it to clean my car but it only worked for about 10 minutes at a time. Then I would take it inside and plug it into the wall so the battery recharged. The recharging took hours.  Then I would use it again for 10 minutes, etc. Although it had the power to clean it didn't have enough power to last long enough to get the job done. I discovered if I plugged it directly into the wall, it had enough power, more than enough.  Instead of relying on its own power contained in the battery it functioned best effectively when plugged-in to a source of power greater than itself.

When self-reliance, self-knowledge and self-will run my life...I am in trouble.  When I think I know it all... I am in trouble. I know where my best thinking has taken me.  "Lack of power" certainly is my dilemma.  I do not have the power to know what is best for myself or others although I like to pretend I do because some of my ideas do work out.  Some of them don't.  This seduces me to think," this time surely it will work".  I forget. The GOD idea works all the time.  The solution to all my problems is always spiritual.  God is the power of the universe, the "juice", the essence of all and is available at all times.  I just need to plug in.

"It's not that I am a slow learner, I am a fast forgetter".  This is why it is very important for me to start my day with prayer and meditation as clearly laid out on pages 86 to 88 in the big book, "Alcoholics Anonymous". The discipline of doing this every morning gives me structure, a frame of reference, a design for living this day.  I plug-in to a power greater than myself, to God. Working the Steps throughout the day help me stay plugged in which is where this recovered alcoholic, addict, codependent, incest survivor, compulsive overeater, thinkaholic, and whatever else I can possibly qualify for... needs to stay.  In the solution.  Plugged in to my Higher Power.

Keeping Secrets

"We are only as sick as our secrets".  I've heard this said so many times and I agree.  People in the program have told me not everyone has been abused.  I think we all have, to one degree or another.  Some of us have been horrifically abused.  It's easy to see when it's clear observable behavior.  The child abuse that so much is written about.  Sexual molestation, incest, the beatings seem easier to disclose because of the visual, solid physical aspects of these forms of abuse and therefore describable.  The abuse harder to acknowledge is the one that's difficult to "see" it for what it is as it pretends to not exist or it isn't really that bad.  The screaming, uncontrolled angry fiery outbursts, slamming doors, clanging pots and pans, the frigid cold icy walls of resentful silence,  the tip-toes of quiet withdrawal, the thudded sounds from another room, the questioning fear of uncertainty, the dark emotional abandonment of neglect and then later on the  "Pleasantville" pretense of "we have to look good/avoid looking bad".  The "big people" were out of control.  The gods had spoken.  All covered with the cloak of the Wizard of Denial.

My experience is ANYTHING that blocks the unfolding, blossoming potentiality of a developing human being is abusive.  Whether young or old---age has nothing to do with this.  How many times and ways of abuse impacted me?  My history was to sit in it.  Wallow in the self-pity.  Stay in the learned helplessness.  And keep it to myself, don't tell anyone because it was all my fault. Sad and afraid. This was the biggest secret.  What I truly felt and thought I kept to myself.  I  stayed closed to not let anything out so nothing entered either.  Change was unavailable as long as I stayed that way.

Recovery for me has been about pulling the curtain open to expose the humongous, loud-voiced, pompous, controlling demands of the Wizard of Denial as it really is.  A little, old bitty thing that only has as much power as I give it!  Working the Steps, relying on my Higher Power, going to meetings, having a sponsor, reading the literature, writing in my journal, helping others...learning to love and be loved by like-minded folk who also want to blossom and grow in the Realm of the Spirit. GOD bless us all on this path and those who are not.

P.S.  Today I tell my story.  Please pray for me to carry the message and not the mess!  Thank you.  Sincerely, Carol

The Literature

I use the recovery literature tool today in a different way than when I first began. I used to read it like I was being entertained and if I learned anything, what a surprise. Now I read as if my life depends on learning what I need to know to live my life in recovery.  Now I write in my books.  This helps in finding particular places of interest when needed. For instance, I put five stars where heavy duty information is written.  I use a yellow highlighter on italics.  In places where I feel happy, relieved, etc. I draw a happy face.  If I feel warmth, love and comfort while reading a certain passage then I draw a heart. The meditation and a lot of Al-Anon literature are particularly gifted with love and comfort

All this matters most...when I need it.  Sometimes when feeling sad, I flip the pages and look for the happy faces. After reading a couple of pages I feel much better. When I feel alone, without, that nobody loves me then I read the places where the hearts are...somehow I am changed from how I was before I read the passages compared to how I think and feel after reading them. What a difference! 

This also helps when being of service to others because it is easier to refer them to those places in the literature applicable to a current situation--- if I can locate the passage that applies.  In this way it's much quicker to access the love, truth and wisdom so freely given by those who have trudged this path before us.  Thank GOD.  

My doctor

A double-winner friend talked about going to visit her doctor because she gets treatment for skin cancer.  Anyway, I told her that sometimes, very rarely, I've had certain food stick in my throat as if it's lodged against or in something.  For instance, rice, lettuce and a crunched peanut have done this on separate occasions.  When this happened I coughed and hacked until the item ejected.  Jeesh.

She suggested I see my doctor for my throat to be evaluated.  Wow.  I had some resistance to this!  Although I agreed to call my doctor, I really didn't want to!  It seemed every time we talked she kept asking  if I'd seen my doctor yet and finally I said "yes.  I have a doctor appointment:"

I dragged my feet but show up to see the doctor. I told her about my throat, also about a nodule on my right elbow and the bit of arthritis on my left wrist.  She said the nodule is because of the psoriasis on my elbow where I rest my elbow on surfaces which rub it, it tries to heal but can't because I keep using my elbow so the nodule grew.  Who knew?  Ha.  For the arthritis she recommended Tylenol when needed.  Regarding my throat, she referred me to an Ear, Nose and Throat Specialist.  So I called to make that appointment.  More will be revealed.

Also, I will revisit my doctor in 1 month for my yearly physical checkup plus get a referral for a mammogram.  At that time I will get lab work done to check my cholesterol, blood sugar, etc.  She told me she wants me to take my high blood pressure medication about the same time every day, no exceptions.  My blood pressure (BP) was kind of high and since sometimes I forget to take my BP pill, my doctor says it puts me at great risk for a stroke, also that every time the BP is high it is creating damage.  Jeesh again.

I work my program here by using HOW... Honest, Open-minded and the Willingness to accept.  I honestly tell the truth about me, I keep an open-mind so I can listen to what I'm being told, and I stay willing to accept whatever is revealed.  Then I turn it all over to my Higher Power---I pray for help to do the next right thing.

I dropped the ball...

I needed to go to work early today because of a scheduling snafu...which, by the way, I contributed to because I failed to have relief coverage in place for one of the workers..."it's not about perfection, it's about progress"...I plan to post later today when I arrive at home, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise! 

Special problems---indexes

When I am struggling with issues like---acceptance, anger, self-esteem, etc. I look in the back of my books where the indexes are.  I especially like the meditation books.  Anyway, I locate the word and write the page numbers where it is indexed.  Then I go to each page, underline the word.  This helps me specifically focus on the solution per issue.

Insomnia

Well, I had a hard time going to sleep and finally about 2 am I decided to get up out of bed.  I remembered "The Four Agreements" book was on-line so I went to the Internet.  What I l-o-v-e about Amazon.com is it's open 24/7!  I bought then downloaded the book onto my Kindle.

Wow.  I also l-o-v-e my Kindle because it has text-to-speech capability.  I can choose whether a male or female voice reads the book aloud.  Love it!

So, while the Kindle's female voice read the book to me, I worked on beading a blouse I like.  I felt relaxed and peaceful.  When I did fall asleep it was about 4 am but I had a deep and restful sleep.  I relaxed.

How I worked my Steps in this situation, the 1-2-3 contained in the Serenity Prayer:   I kept trying to force myself to go to sleep but it didn't work.  I felt powerless.  Seemed the more I pushed on me, the worse it got.  I admitted I was powerless over the insomnia and my life was unmanageable.   I realized I'm not the Higher Power because if I was, why couldn't I make me go to sleep when I wanted it so much?  As soon as I "came to", awakened to the Great Reality there is a Higher Power and it ain't me, things changed.  I remembered it's supposed to be good to get out of bed when having trouble sleeping.  I remembered to keep an open mind and the willingness to accept suggestions given by trusted sources.  I remembered "The Four Agreements" book my friend had recommended I read.   I remembered the Kindle, the blouse, etc.  I LET GO AND LET GOD and it all came together without me trying to force a solution.  Whew!  Thank GOD.

Listening like I never heard before

I used to tell Aubrey I loved him and then I'd give him a big hug.  I told him I would remember his story and, with his permission, I wanted to pass it on.  He said it was fine with him.  He is dead and gone now but I rarely miss him because he lives on in my heart.  I still remember...

Aubrey had to be one of the most garrulous, cantankerous, crusty, crispy opinionated persons I've ever met.   He had one heck of a porcupine personality and he was adorable in his own way.

He told me, "Back in the day, when I'd get drunk my mama would call AA and they'd come get me then take me, in any way they could, to the clubhouse.  I'd be cussing, fighting and raising hell but they didn't seem to care.  After pumping me with coffee, putting a little food in my stomach and helping me sober up, I'd sit in the meetings and afterward listen to them talk.  Finally, after so many times, I just straight out told them, ''You know?  You got to be the dumbest sons-of-a-bitches in the whole world.  All you do is repeat yourselves over and over what you heard others say, "Let Go and Let God", "One day at a time", "Keep coming back", "How it works", "Keep it simple"  and all that other bulllllsssshhhiiittt.  Do any of you have an original thought in your mind???!"  I was so pissed-off I stomped on out of there.
It was only after some time I noticed it was those very same people who were the ones that stayed clean and sober.  I started to really pay attention.  Now, over 20 something years later, I still listen in a meeting like I've never heard it before.  When someone reads "How it Works" I act like I've never heard it before.  Also, the basics are very important to me...working Steps 1, 2, and 3 every day."

I thank God for the honor and privilege of meeting Aubrey because he taught me so much...I, too, when I remember, listen like I've never heard before.  This is the precious gift he freely gave to me.  Thank you, Aubrey.  Hugs and kisses.

The Dark Past

"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."  from  page 83 of "Alcoholics Anonymous".

 My Past is precious to me.  Am I held hostage by it, stuck in "morbid reflection"?  When I drive a car I refer to the rearview mirror.  If I stare too long I would probably have a wreck!  Hopefully,  I use the rearview mirror to see briefly what's behind me, where I've been, etc.  In the same way I can use my past as a reference to help me see where I've been, what worked and what didn't, etc.  Plus the past is a part of my story which is valuable if it helps another suffering human being feel hope and comfort.

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now.  Cling to the thought that, in GOD's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have---the key to life and happiness for others.  With it you can avert death and misery for them." page 124 of "Alcoholics Anonymous".

Next Sunday at 3pm I will tell my story.  If it helps at least one person, I give all credit to my Higher Power who took a mess and turned it into a message.

Thank GOD.

Step 5

Well, I met with my sponsor today and I talked about this blog and my efforts to work Steps 1, 2, 3 in writing.  We held hands as we prayed the 3rd Step prayer then I read my Step 4 inventory. Although I talked about the resentments I felt about my relationships with psoriasis, obesity and clutter there were linkages that came up to my two older brothers who abused me when I was a child.  Also to my sister who withheld from me her addictions to drugs and put my children in harm's way.   I have had a real hard time forgiving them for these things.

My sponsor referred me to the second paragraph on page 124 in the big book "Alcoholics Anonymous" which says, "This painful past may be of infinite value to other families still struggling with their problem. We think each family which has been relieved owes something to those who have not, and when the occasion requires, each member of it should be only too willing to bring former mistakes, no matter how grievous, out of their hiding places. Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now. Cling to the thought that, in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have - the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them."  She pointed-out this can apply to them, too.

As she and I talked about the columns she wrote on a piece of paper.  She asked me to repeat what I'd written in the "ideal" column. So...

 My relationships with psoriasis, obesity and clutter serve a purpose:  separation.  From my Higher Power and others.  This is a form of self-abuse brought on by my dishonesty and self-pity. The bondage of self...cloaked with these 3 relationships..to keep me "safe" but in fact, imprisoned.

She wrote at the bottom of the paper:  "Dependence upon GOD rather than your 3 things. Act "as if"...it's all good."  She also said, " GOD is your cloak of protection, not those 3 things."

The Four Agreements

A friend told me yesterday, as he has before, to Google "The Four Agreements".  He handed me a print-out.  As I read them I felt a deep sigh well in my body.  The "yes" in me didn't whisper.  It celebrated.

When one of my Al-Aanon sponsees called me last night I mentioned The Four Agreements.  She was very knowledgeable about them!  Wow.

Today I appreciate how my Higher Power speaks to me in coincidences. I ask for guidance in accepting this gift.  "There are many paths leading to the same place."   Thank you...

The GOD box

My son and daughter-in-law gave me a  box of yummy chocolate fudge one year for Christmas.  I liked the box so much I saved it.

I heard that another tool in recovery is a "GOD box" where I can get a piece of paper, pray as I write down a particularly worrisome problem, then I fold-up the paper and put it in the GOD box. I rarely use it except for high powered prayer...too really Let Go and Let God.  One of my problems is that I can "let go" but sometimes I "let go with claw marks".

When I use my hands and actively work on releasing the problem or at least, my thoughts about the problem, I find using the GOD box helps tremendously!

It helps me do what a friend of mine says a lot, "Bless it and release it."

Anyway, I painted the fudge box, made a hole in the center of the top and it sits on my corner shelf altar.

"If you pray,  why worry?
If you worry, why pray?"

Yes

I have been told that when I am asked to be of service in the program, to say "yes".

"Will you chair the meeting?"...."yes".

"Will you sponsor me?"..."yes".

"Will you tell your story?"..."yes".

Now I understand why this is so important.  It is to give back what was so freely given to me by those who came before me and who said, "yes".

For a long time I was afraid to help because I thought I might do more damage than good.   I just didn't trust the process although I had worked the Steps. I kept looking around in the meetings and I compared myself to others.  Somehow or other, in my mind, I just wasn't where I wanted to be or thought I "should" be.  Myers R. is the FIRST PERSON ever to describe how I truly felt and he explained why.  Finally.  It made sense.  I love him and I've never met him, but I love his spirit.  As a result of listening to his online speaker meetings I understand.

I keep an open mind when listening to him speak in Reykjavik, Iceland about what happened to him after coming into AA.

          http://www.ppgaadallas.org/aa_speakers.htm

I have a responsibility.  My responsibility is to work the Steps.  Then having a spiritual experience as a result of working these Steps, I am to carry the message to those who suffer from this cunning, powerful and baffling disease that impacts so many.  The message is:  the 12 Steps really do work.  Here I am, only for the grace of my Higher Power that I choose to call GOD, the 12 Steps and the Fellowships.  Thank you.  I am deeply grateful.





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i

The Serenity Prayer

One of the tools I learned to use was the Serenity Prayer.  I had seen the prayer here and there, thought "how nice" then forgot all about it.  But in early sobriety I clung to that prayer for dear life!  I said it over and over in my head, praying desperately for help.  I was so afraid.  Fear dominated me.  I never knew I was internally so fearful because I had numbed my feelings for so much and so long.




I feared life, other people, the weather, earthquakes, food surpluses and food shortages, money matters, etc.  All in my head.  I still tend to spin sometimes but much less often and certainly with not so much intensity. 

The Serenity Prayer was a lifesaver.  It helped me when the Ocean of Life became too much for me, when I felt overwhelmed by waves of situations or emotions. I used the Serenity Prayer so much I decided to sit down and write exactly what it meant to me.

I listed the things I cannot change.  For example, I cannot change the past.  It's done and over with.  I do not have the power to go back and change it.  I cannot undo it.  Also, for example, I cannot reach inside a person and change them.  They are who they are. I wrote down all that I could think of.

I listed the things I can change.  I can change me.  I can change my attitude.  I can change my behavior. Again, I pondered these things then wrote them on my list.  I kept that list for a long time because I had to keep referring to it so much!



 Addictions, whether of people, places, or things, also of thinking, feelings and behaviors...are on a one-way street.  They simply lead, in the long run, to institutionalization or death. I know now that in the latter stages of addiction we are on the last lap of the Road of Destruction.

With the help of my Higher Power and the Fellowships of the 12 Steps, I have a very strong, powerful possibility of personal change.  I know I am not alone.  

It has been possible to change the direction I was headed.  For this I am deeply, profoundly grateful.

Before I ever took a drink

Before I ever drank alcohol, I was an untreated Alanon but I didn't know it.  The qualifying alcoholic in my life was my mother.  Although she never acknowledged she lived with this illness, the symptoms were glaringly obvious and certainly affected the whole family. She died last year and it is ONLY for the grace of God and the 12 Steps that I was able to be of service to her as she transitioned.  My brother, Clifford, insisted she be given a decent burial and so I did what he wanted.  I love him and knew this was important to him.

One time I told my mother, "Mom, I just want you to know I forgive you."
She said, "For what?"
She really didn't know and didn't want to know.
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In the later stages of her illustrious drinking career she had to see a doctor because she was starting to spit and vomit blood.   The doctor told her she would have to stop drinking alcohol or it was going to kill her.  She said, "But doctor, I'm in so much pain."  So her adventures with pills took full flight and she didn't drink anymore.  She was "cured" of alcoholism and no one could tell her a thing about the pills because a doctor had prescribed them.  She lived to be 78 years old and did suffer from physical problems that pain medication helped alleviate somewhat but she still hurt.  God bless her.
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My mother was not the only alcoholic in my family system.  Drinking and drugging was rife.  The ranting, raving, unpredictably was quite normal and acceptable.  Physical, mental, emotional abuses were paramount.  Emotional incest was expected otherwise it was neglect and abandonment.  Sex abuse.  Not talking, not trusting, not feeling were well taught, finely honed survival skills taught from infancy.




Recovery, for me, has been about learning to be true to myself, to speak my truth, to be able to listen and care about others' truths, to trust the process and to feel my feelings and encourage others to feel theirs...wow.

Starting my day

After 18 years in the AA program, finally I heard in a meeting about page 86 in the Big Book "Alcoholic Anonymous". How many times had it been said before and I never really heard it? The "On awakening".  Who knows?

When I first came to AA, I went to a small group. There were only four of us.  Charity V. and her husband Johnny V., Floyd S., and me.  Sometimes Bruce and Pat R. visited.  That was it.   Charity was my sponsor and had close to 23 years of sobriety under her belt. She was a real blessing to me. She kept telling me to read the Big Book. So I did. I read the stories. They were great. Over and over I read the stories. She said, "work the steps". I didn't understand how to do that.  How do you work something that is spiritual?

She told me that every morning, if I'm alive, I get to make a choice.  She said to start my day by praying to my Higher Power.

The first assignment she ever gave me was to write a list of gratitude.  Gratitude?  What was that? She said it was whatever I was grateful for.  Hmm. I could do that. It sounded easy.  And it was until I sat down with a piece of paper and pencil then tried to write 10 things I was grateful for.

Oh my gosh, I could not think of one thing. So I called her and asked her to help me. Give me an example.  She said things like:  the sunrise, the air you breathe, food to eat, etc.  So that's where I started. Every day I made a list of 10 things I was grateful for. When it got boring to do this I began to make sure I didn't repeat the same list over and over. I tried to think of different blessings.  When I did the assignment, without fail, I felt better!

It still does...if I'm willing to do it.


    

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, and all other "special" days still have difficult connotations in my memory.  These were the days that promised to be different, fun, special but instead were days of some kind of disturbance, of grief, pain, yelling, one more belligerent drunk to deal with.   At least this is how I remember my early childhood holidays.  I seemed to be in survival mode a lot.  I thought it was my fault.  If only I were different...and I felt so alone, separate from everybody else...different, not fitting in.  Sad but trying to hide how I felt as much as I could and certainly not telling anyone.

As an adult I feared passing on that legacy to my children.  I wanted so much for things to be different for them.  If only I knew then what I know now.

In recovery I talked with my children about how much I regret mistreating them when I yelled at them, spanked them out of my frustrations, stressed to the maximum, wanting them to succeed in school, etc.  I  was abusive by neglecting them and depriving them of my attention because I was much more fixated either on drinking or on "my man".  I remember one time when I bought a super large bag of pre-popped popcorn and that's what they had for dinner while I used what little money I had on alcohol to drink.  How incredibly selfish!  When I grieve about this and want to make amends they assure me they had fun and truly loved the popcorn because it was different and it felt like a party to them!  So I make living amends today by keeping an open mind, staying honest , willing to accept and available.  I may not like all they do but I still love them no matter what.  Plus, I've learned to LET GO and LET GOD...stay out of their affairs and focus on my own.  Wow.  That truly is an accomplishment!

The AA 12 Steps helped me get started on recovering from a hopeless, out-of-control compulsion to drink alcohol.  As of January 17, 1993 I haven't had alcohol, not even in pill form.  I did what the old timers said, "Put the plug in the jug".   Two days later I went to the first AA meeting I was ready, truly ready to do whatever it took to stay sober, one day at a time.  For this I am deeply grateful.  As of February 19, 2006 I attended Al-Anon.  I've been a hard nut to crack in Al-Anon because my compulsion to THINK I can manage, manipulate, "mother" and play the martyr which are major symptoms of this illness I live with. It does get better though.  Thank GOD!   What an honor it is to participate in both of these programs!  The 12 Steps have given me what I thought I'd never have...a family.  It has given me a loving, warm welcome into humankind's family...the family of "We".  

The Denial

Before I ever worked the Steps I lived in denial.  I couldn't accept the truth for nothing.  I rationalized, justified, minimized, maximized, pretended things were fine, pretended it would all go away, it wasn't that bad, etc.  I had a hard time changing my mind or I flip-flopped from one decision to another, never really sticking to one.  I kept thinking there surely had to be a softer, better, easier way and I was determined to find it!  Yep.  I've been a nut most of my life!  Hilarious in my own way!

Denial serves me well because it keeps me from looking at what's really going on.  I will live life mainly in my head, my thoughts being central focus.  Judging, criticizing, manipulating, etc. become my world because I'm stuck in there.  The whirling dervishes of possibilities rivet my attention and a lot of what I think becomes more real than what is right in front of me. There is a self-soothing aspect to this thought life because if I don't like the direction my thoughts are headed, I can change...except when I start to obsess, fixate.  I will think, think, think but it's a bunch of negative thinking, things I make up for the most part, plus I'll believe what I just made up more than what's presenting right in front of me.  Jeesh.  

What I have discovered is the softer, easier way is working the Steps.  Countless others before me know this and countless after me.  I'm just slow.  What happens for me when I work the Steps is they lead me from a place of Nowhere to a place of Somewhere to my Higher Power.  As a result of working the Steps I experience a spiritual awakening.  I plug in to the Greater Consciousness, the Greater Good, God, the Higher Power, the Flow or whatever you want to call it.  "A rose by any other name is still a rose" certainly applies here.  

The difference between me living in my head depending on me to solve all my problems or depending on my Higher Power as the solution to ALL my problems are two worlds apart.  One works and the other doesn't.  

Step 5

I finished writing my inventory on psoriasis, obesity and clutter.  I will meet with my sponsor this Saturday. She is a female, has worked The Steps, I have known her for a long time and I trust her.  Most importantly, I trust her. I know she will give me feedback and honor the process. This will be Step 5.

In an AA meeting there is a singleness of purpose:  to carry the message that the 12 Steps can help alcoholics recover from alcoholism.

In an Alanon meeting there is a singleness of purpose: to carry the message that the 12 Steps can help people suffering from the effects of being involved with other people's alcoholism.
Same thing for other addiction meetings.




Learning how to use the Steps has been my goal.  Reading the Steps is not enough.  Memorizing the Steps is not enough.  The actual practice has been critical to my recovery.  I've got to do the work. Going to meetings is important, too, but I MUST work the Steps.

A New Way

Alanon is upper grad school in spirituality.  AA gave me the basics, the fundamentals, the framework of the 12 Steps and Alanon has furthered my spiritual education.  I need all the help I can get and it has been freely given by this program. I feel deeply grateful for the warm, loving welcome and acceptance given by the Alanon fellowship.  The understanding and acceptance is amazing. Al-Anon encourages me to grow in learning to focus on my own recovery to love myself in a healthy way.

One of my big problems is "it's not that I am a slow learner, it's that I am a fast forgetter".  I keep forgetting to work the Steps in all my problems, on a day to day basis, sometimes even minute to minute.

I remember what it was like before when I had no program. My life was all trial and error. I didn't even know if I was coming or going. I kept making things up all the time. Namely guessing, taking risks, and generally not knowing what the hell to do. I depended on my thinking, my intellectual reasoning, as if my mind knew all the answers.  The problem was that most of my problems were generated by my best thinking so I needed to learn a new way of thinking, of living...a design for living life on life's terms.

A kit of spiritual tools was laid at my feet when I came to the rooms of the 12 steps. Now I needed to learn how to use them. That is why I read the literature, go to meetings, call others in the program, and then pass on what I learn.  No longer is it about what I know, for me, it is about keeping an open mind and learning what works.

Using alcohol, pills, food, anxiety, sex, anger, people, etc. as a substitute for my Higher Power never worked for me.  The 12 steps lead me back to what does work. My Higher Power.  "Lack of power was our dilemma". Jeesh...now if only I would only remember that.

H.O.W.

According to page 550 in the 3rd edition of "Alcoholics Anonymous", HOW stands for honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.  I love this book.  :-) I bought it in the summer of 1991 at  Dave Burton's barn sale in Del Valle, Texas. He sold it to me for a quarter and he saved my life. I remember I read that book when I was drinking. Sometimes I was so drunk the words were blurry and I saw more than one sentence at a time.  I squinted my eyes to see better or closed one eyelid to eliminate some of the extra sentences.  I remember thinking I really need to get my eyes checked.

Anyway, as a result of reading the literature, I quit drinking October 30, 1991.

On page xviiiis, FOREWORD TO THE SECOND EDITION, is written "A.A's message could be transmitted in the mail as well as by word of mouth." I guess I got the message by reading the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous because it worked for me. I read it like I was reading a novel. The stories were interesting and it sufficed for a while. It was like those early alcoholics were talking and trying to help me.  In the FOREWORD TO THE THIRD EDITION, page xxii, "Each day, somewhere in the world, recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with an alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope."

 I read it once in a while and then I relapsed July 4th, 1992.

What I didn't know was the history of how this book came to be. I had skipped reading the very beginning and had gone straight to the stories.   I didn't know the first 164 pages, although written by Bill W.,were actually a result of collaboration between over 100 alcoholic men and women who agreed with what was written. Now, I don't know about you, but for two alcoholics to agree about anything is pretty amazing. Can you imagine over a hundred?  When I heard about this, I focused a lot more on the 164, more than ever before.  But this came much, much later.  First I had to go through what is described here PERFECTLY by Don C., a Native American. 

Step 4

How I work STEP FOUR.

 This process is described in detail  on pages 64 thru 71 in the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous".

I get a pen or pencil and some paper to write on.  I find a quiet, secluded and comfortable space where I can write. First I pray and ask my Higher Power to please help me do the work.  I think about my life history.

I draw 5 columns across the page.  On top of the 1st column I write "I resent:" I make a list of who I resent, leaving plenty of space between each name.

On top of the 2nd column I write "Because".  Then I write exactly what each person did to me. I am very specific about the clearly observable behaviors they did. Not how I think or feel about the behaviors.

On top of the 3rd column I write "This affects my". For each behavior I listed in the 2nd column I write whether my self esteem, ambitions, finances, and/or sex relations were affected.

(I learned to finish the inventory process by adding 2 columns).

On top of the 4th column I write"My part". Here I write about how I contributed to this situation. Usually it was because of fear, selfishness, self-centeredness, and/or dishonesty.

On top of the 5th column I write" Ideal". Here I write what I believe is a better way of acting or reacting.

 I also make a list of my positive attributes. This helps with taking a balanced inventory.  I thank my Higher Power for helping me and ask for assistance in keeping an open mind, for more will be revealed with time.

NOTE:  The Al-Anon Fourth Step is in a booklet titled "Blueprint For Progress".  It is 90 pages.  The  Minnesota inventory is said to be 700 questions.  One of the last things Dr. Bob told Bill W. were words to the affect of, "Keep it simple. Don't louse it up, Bill." Another one I have heard is, "If it ain't broke, leave it alone."  My experience as a creative human being, I like to add a little here and a little there to make it MINE, to individualize it. Then what happens is I usually have to get back to basics and stop complicating things.  Jeesh.

Not enough

What I love about the 12 Steps of Recovery is that it's not a competition.  From my experience, recovery seems to be more of a collaboration, an effort to cooperate with my Higher Power, with myself and with others.

Since I was a little child, I struggled with willfulness. I wanted everything to be my way.  I was told I was " bad" if I cried, whined, screamed, demanded, stomped my feet, clenched my fists, etc. I was not allowed to want or need. If I had any feelings, I was not allowed to express them unless those feelings were pleasing to others. If I wanted more than my share then I was selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, and crazy. What I learned to do instead was to deny, lie, manipulate, act dishonest to get what I wanted, dog eat dog, compete, put others down so I could be up, shut up, retaliate, maximize, minimize, rationalize and justify. PLUS, keep all this to myself without others knowing what I was up to because if they knew what I really wanted, needed, liked or loved I would be deprived of it. This was my socialization process.

I usually kept my feelings to myself, except when the repression grew overwhelming then the feelings spewed without any control. This was usually at the cost of my family relationships. I did what I said I would never do. I repeated the cycle of my family dynamics. I did what I knew to do. I thought I knew better, and therefore, I would do better. This has not been true for me. I am grateful, however, in some ways I did do better. But it wasn't enough.

The reason it wasn't enough is because I relied on my own power, brute intelligence ,and a strong desire to survive. I thought this was enough. But I was wrong. What I didn't know was I needed a power greater than me to help me. I thought I was smart enough to figure out any problem but what I didn't know was the biggest problem in my life was in my mind. An OA speaker on-line named Klaus described this perfectly. 

Klaus in OA and link to his speech:  Klaus speaking at OA 50th Anniversary

For me, the solution is to rely on my Higher Power that I choose to call "GOD".

Steps 1, 2, 3

I wrote in my journal.  "Dear Heavenly Lord God Almighty, thank You for reminding me that You love me. Always have, always will. Oh, Lord, thank You for the awesome, incredible, multiple blessings You give to me and my loved and not so loved ones. You rule, Lord. You are The Most High, The One, The Source who makes this all possible. Thank you."
I wrote about my allergies. I also wrote about how I clipped my nails at work because one broke off and I just wasn't able to get to clipping it any sooner. Rather awkward. I wrote about how I feel sad, disconnected, dejected by any rejection I may experience even a little. I wrote that there are 3 things, or rather, relationships I want to work my program on. One is my relationship with my psoriasis. Second is my relationship with obesity. Third is my relationship with clutter.  Immediately I feel sad, overwhelmed, powerless, immobilized, inadequate, less than, incapacitated… a loser. Immediately my brain starts collecting the evidence of just how bad I am in terms of my skin, my weight, and my "stuff". My interior mind-life looms large in conflict, turmoil, pain, self-doubt and punishment, very negative. In response to this automatic,The EGO.  E.dging G.od O.ut  In my head, my thoughts take over.  Into a "party of one"...all this happens in about the blink of an eye.


The multiple vain attempts to "control" or eliminate the psoriasis, obesity, and clutter, at first, seem to work but not for long. Inevitably I fall back to the same behavior of not dealing with each one or not taking action. I feel powerless and my "world" is unmanageable because I keep spinning, in and out.  Each time I am in the "Stop and Go cycle" it just gets worse and worse. I complete STEP ONE by admitting how powerless I am over ______ (fill in the blank with whatever fixation or compulsion is active) and my life is unmanageable (refers to the inner world of chaos in my head).


Writing this to my Higher Power really helps me because I no longer feel so alone and I remember "who's large and in charge?" I remember I am not The One. My Higher Power is.  My Creator from whence I came and will return. That loves me, is unconditionally available and loving and lovable at all times. Always has and always will.  Compassionate, merciful, powerful, all-knowing, healing, protective, patient, kind. STEP TWO.



I make a decision to turn this all over to my Higher Power.  I "Let Go and Let God".  I say aloud, with an understanding person or alone, the Third Step Prayer:

"GOD, I offer myself to Thee---to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.May I do Thy will always!"        ...page 63 from the Big Book "Alcoholics Anonymous"

STEP THREE.


At STEP FOUR I get into "action".  Up to now, the Steps are done in my head, mentally.