The Denial

Before I ever worked the Steps I lived in denial.  I couldn't accept the truth for nothing.  I rationalized, justified, minimized, maximized, pretended things were fine, pretended it would all go away, it wasn't that bad, etc.  I had a hard time changing my mind or I flip-flopped from one decision to another, never really sticking to one.  I kept thinking there surely had to be a softer, better, easier way and I was determined to find it!  Yep.  I've been a nut most of my life!  Hilarious in my own way!

Denial serves me well because it keeps me from looking at what's really going on.  I will live life mainly in my head, my thoughts being central focus.  Judging, criticizing, manipulating, etc. become my world because I'm stuck in there.  The whirling dervishes of possibilities rivet my attention and a lot of what I think becomes more real than what is right in front of me. There is a self-soothing aspect to this thought life because if I don't like the direction my thoughts are headed, I can change...except when I start to obsess, fixate.  I will think, think, think but it's a bunch of negative thinking, things I make up for the most part, plus I'll believe what I just made up more than what's presenting right in front of me.  Jeesh.  

What I have discovered is the softer, easier way is working the Steps.  Countless others before me know this and countless after me.  I'm just slow.  What happens for me when I work the Steps is they lead me from a place of Nowhere to a place of Somewhere to my Higher Power.  As a result of working the Steps I experience a spiritual awakening.  I plug in to the Greater Consciousness, the Greater Good, God, the Higher Power, the Flow or whatever you want to call it.  "A rose by any other name is still a rose" certainly applies here.  

The difference between me living in my head depending on me to solve all my problems or depending on my Higher Power as the solution to ALL my problems are two worlds apart.  One works and the other doesn't.