Since I was a little child, I struggled with willfulness. I wanted everything to be my way. I was told I was " bad" if I cried, whined, screamed, demanded, stomped my feet, clenched my fists, etc. I was not allowed to want or need. If I had any feelings, I was not allowed to express them unless those feelings were pleasing to others. If I wanted more than my share then I was selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, and crazy. What I learned to do instead was to deny, lie, manipulate, act dishonest to get what I wanted, dog eat dog, compete, put others down so I could be up, shut up, retaliate, maximize, minimize, rationalize and justify. PLUS, keep all this to myself without others knowing what I was up to because if they knew what I really wanted, needed, liked or loved I would be deprived of it. This was my socialization process.
I usually kept my feelings to myself, except when the repression grew overwhelming then the feelings spewed without any control. This was usually at the cost of my family relationships. I did what I said I would never do. I repeated the cycle of my family dynamics. I did what I knew to do. I thought I knew better, and therefore, I would do better. This has not been true for me. I am grateful, however, in some ways I did do better. But it wasn't enough.
The reason it wasn't enough is because I relied on my own power, brute intelligence ,and a strong desire to survive. I thought this was enough. But I was wrong. What I didn't know was I needed a power greater than me to help me. I thought I was smart enough to figure out any problem but what I didn't know was the biggest problem in my life was in my mind. An OA speaker on-line named Klaus described this perfectly.
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| Klaus in OA and link to his speech: Klaus speaking at OA 50th Anniversary |
For me, the solution is to rely on my Higher Power that I choose to call "GOD".
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