"We are only as sick as our secrets". I've heard this said so many times and I agree. People in the program have told me not everyone has been abused. I think we all have, to one degree or another. Some of us have been horrifically abused. It's easy to see when it's clear observable behavior. The child abuse that so much is written about. Sexual molestation, incest, the beatings seem easier to disclose because of the visual, solid physical aspects of these forms of abuse and therefore describable. The abuse harder to acknowledge is the one that's difficult to "see" it for what it is as it pretends to not exist or it isn't really that bad. The screaming, uncontrolled angry fiery outbursts, slamming doors, clanging pots and pans, the frigid cold icy walls of resentful silence, the tip-toes of quiet withdrawal, the thudded sounds from another room, the questioning fear of uncertainty, the dark emotional abandonment of neglect and then later on the "Pleasantville" pretense of "we have to look good/avoid looking bad". The "big people" were out of control. The gods had spoken. All covered with the cloak of the Wizard of Denial.
My experience is ANYTHING that blocks the unfolding, blossoming potentiality of a developing human being is abusive. Whether young or old---age has nothing to do with this. How many times and ways of abuse impacted me? My history was to sit in it. Wallow in the self-pity. Stay in the learned helplessness. And keep it to myself, don't tell anyone because it was all my fault. Sad and afraid. This was the biggest secret. What I truly felt and thought I kept to myself. I stayed closed to not let anything out so nothing entered either. Change was unavailable as long as I stayed that way.
Recovery for me has been about pulling the curtain open to expose the humongous, loud-voiced, pompous, controlling demands of the Wizard of Denial as it really is. A little, old bitty thing that only has as much power as I give it! Working the Steps, relying on my Higher Power, going to meetings, having a sponsor, reading the literature, writing in my journal, helping others...learning to love and be loved by like-minded folk who also want to blossom and grow in the Realm of the Spirit. GOD bless us all on this path and those who are not.
P.S. Today I tell my story. Please pray for me to carry the message and not the mess! Thank you. Sincerely, Carol
2 comments:
It was a truly special AA/Alanon/run the meeting day for me yesterday. You are really impacting me with your kind guidance and others. And, I got to meet some new friends. I am missing my family tonight - my son, my ex-husband and am grateful to have a place to put it -even in a little digital box. I know I'm powerless over the fantasy I have that my ex husband will see how well we could all be together when he is just learning to survive without alcohol. Big sigh. I am also visiting my parents on Wed who are stirring up trouble so the readings, the tools, the experience yesterday is all an essential preparation for what could be a very pleasant visit - if I just let it. Thanks Carol.
Thank you, Lulu, for helping me along this pathway. I enjoy reading your comments so much! When you create a blog please let me know so I can visit! I'd love to read and give comments, too.
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