Happy Mother's Day, Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, and all other "special" days still have difficult connotations in my memory. These were the days that promised to be different, fun, special but instead were days of some kind of disturbance, of grief, pain, yelling, one more belligerent drunk to deal with. At least this is how I remember my early childhood holidays. I seemed to be in survival mode a lot. I thought it was my fault. If only I were different...and I felt so alone, separate from everybody else...different, not fitting in. Sad but trying to hide how I felt as much as I could and certainly not telling anyone.
As an adult I feared passing on that legacy to my children. I wanted so much for things to be different for them. If only I knew then what I know now.
In recovery I talked with my children about how much I regret mistreating them when I yelled at them, spanked them out of my frustrations, stressed to the maximum, wanting them to succeed in school, etc. I was abusive by neglecting them and depriving them of my attention because I was much more fixated either on drinking or on "my man". I remember one time when I bought a super large bag of pre-popped popcorn and that's what they had for dinner while I used what little money I had on alcohol to drink. How incredibly selfish! When I grieve about this and want to make amends they assure me they had fun and truly loved the popcorn because it was different and it felt like a party to them! So I make living amends today by keeping an open mind, staying honest , willing to accept and available. I may not like all they do but I still love them no matter what. Plus, I've learned to LET GO and LET GOD...stay out of their affairs and focus on my own. Wow. That truly is an accomplishment!
The AA 12 Steps helped me get started on recovering from a hopeless, out-of-control compulsion to drink alcohol. As of January 17, 1993 I haven't had alcohol, not even in pill form. I did what the old timers said, "Put the plug in the jug". Two days later I went to the first AA meeting I was ready, truly ready to do whatever it took to stay sober, one day at a time. For this I am deeply grateful. As of February 19, 2006 I attended Al-Anon. I've been a hard nut to crack in Al-Anon because my compulsion to THINK I can manage, manipulate, "mother" and play the martyr which are major symptoms of this illness I live with. It does get better though. Thank GOD! What an honor it is to participate in both of these programs! The 12 Steps have given me what I thought I'd never have...a family. It has given me a loving, warm welcome into humankind's family...the family of "We".
The AA 12 Steps helped me get started on recovering from a hopeless, out-of-control compulsion to drink alcohol. As of January 17, 1993 I haven't had alcohol, not even in pill form. I did what the old timers said, "Put the plug in the jug". Two days later I went to the first AA meeting I was ready, truly ready to do whatever it took to stay sober, one day at a time. For this I am deeply grateful. As of February 19, 2006 I attended Al-Anon. I've been a hard nut to crack in Al-Anon because my compulsion to THINK I can manage, manipulate, "mother" and play the martyr which are major symptoms of this illness I live with. It does get better though. Thank GOD! What an honor it is to participate in both of these programs! The 12 Steps have given me what I thought I'd never have...a family. It has given me a loving, warm welcome into humankind's family...the family of "We".
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Every year I'm stuck in the card section at CVS, Target, wherever trying to find the one that says - to a mother who expressed her love through worry, anxiety, strictness, physical and mental control and manipulation, but never find it. I have to sift through the gushing ones that say - to "my friend" ..."my support" and find the most general card possible - the one that just says
"Have a nice mother's day." because otherwise I feel dishonest. Then, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Yet, my mom has shown me love. I know that, but most of the time it's been clouded by her intense alanon behavior where she has disowned me, called me a whore, told me I was going to kill my baby having a home birth, criticizes constantly, told me I deserve any pain I feel and gave me a concussion once. She has cloudy memories of all or any of this, so she says and has never apologized. I don't think ever. I have a lot of resentment towards her, but have also through alanon been able to have compassion for her and can see her behavior for what it is - just behavior of an abandoned girl with 3 drug-addicted/alcohol addicted brothers, 2 of which are dead already at 43 and 50. I've created better boundaries with her, but holidays do fuck me up. I did get to enjoy the day in a different direction in the immense love I feel for my son and the supportive presence of his father, who I am separated from, but is dedicated to his own recovery and is dedicated to being a good father to Lucas, our son and "friend" to me. I was truly touched by his willingness to let the whole family be together yesterday for a nice breakfast with a very loving family I know. The whole thing was just a blast and because of Alanon and supportive women like you Carol (and Mary, Nadine, Lucinda, Nancy, Debbie, ...alanon moms - I found yesterday instead of a sad, lonely place I can equally locate in a split second. My friend performed music at the place and her mother was there - one of the kindest women i have met in Austin and I wondered why I always cleave to her, though I don't know her very well. It's that model of a mother - that she can be soft and open - I really needed to see it and share it and I'm grateful for her, Polly and everything else that went down yesterday.
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