Powerlessness and Helplessness

Well, I'm reading and starting to work the ACA Steps workbook.  So much of it seems redundant from my recovery efforts in the other fellowships that I notice a smugness, "I already know this", yeah, yeah attitude slowly creeping in.  Very quietly the doors to my heart, mind, body and soul close and I don't even notice because it's so slowly subtle.  That's my illness.

I'm amazed, absolutely fascinated by how it manifests itself and says, "I don't really need this.  I already know it.  Why bother?"  La, la, la, la, la, la.  Just like that.  The doors are shut and nothing gets in...and nothing gets out.

My shutting down, trying to go to sleep reaction to studying this material tells me to PAY ATTENTION more than ever.  At this time, I need want to diligently learn, read, meditate, ponder, wonder, and act like I've never heard it before.  It's all new.  Even if I've heard it a million times.  Keep an open mind.

So, I am at page 28.

Powerlessness:

1.  How is powerlessness different than helplessness?  I went to the online dictionary.

World English Dictionary

powerless  (ˈpaʊəlɪs)
— adj
	without power or authority helpless  (ˈhɛlplɪs)    — adj 1. unable to manage independently 2. made powerless or weak 3. without help I learned as a child a bunch of crap (I call it the "razzle dazzle") taught by those in power who thought they knew everything, or so it seemed to me.  I was a child, dependent and it was in my best interest to survive.  I learned helplessness   I learned to be busy in other people's stuff and I learned to abuse and be abused.  I learned to tolerate levels of painful rejection, neglect, abandonment, shame and guilt regarding the necessary acceptance of a-b normal conditions---as if it was normal.  I was taught so many erroneous things and many of them socially accepted.  I learned to co-sign other people's bullshit.  I learned to co-sign my own BS.  I learned to try to control the uncontrollable, which seemed to work some of the time so promoted the delusion it surely had to work all the time...but it didn't.  I learned to take responsibility for things that were NONE OF MY BUSINESS, like how other people think, feel, believe, live, act, etc.  I learned to depend on others who were undependable.  I learned to love others who withdrew love, were unavailable to love or be loved, who hit, demeaned, and acted as if it was my fault, that there was something wrong with me for how they treated me.  Trying to people-please, help them, fix them, save them, give it all to them so maybe, just maybe, I might get what I want and  need.  As a child, I was like a small leaf hanging on to a tree branch, fearing to let go, fearing to die, fearing the rejection of the tree, fearing the inevitable cold wind of life that would rip me from my only source in life but in reality, I wasn't even a leaf.  I am a magnificent human being, a great event in the cosmos but I lost touch with my divinity.  Instead of flying up like a spiritual eagle enjoying the freedom of the GOD-given blessings of the wind, I lived like a gobble, gobble turkey waiting for its turn on the family's holiday platter.  The great sacrifice.  With the battle cry of the martyr, "After all I did for you, this is what I get?".  Jeesh. As a human being I lost connection with the source of true spiritual power...the Higher Power.  Instead of plugging in, I became confused and thought the Source was what other people thought of me, or what they did or didn't do for me, or what I thought or did for them, etc..  As if THEY were my god or l was theirs.  Like I had the solution to everybody's problems.  Like I would fix it.  Otherwise it was all my fault.  Like I had "the power", the balls, the know-it-all.  True powerlessness exists for me in this domain.  The kingdom of the Spirit which manifests itself on the physical plane.  "On Earth, as it is in Heaven."  I am not the Cause, the Cure, the Control of this spiritual, mind-numbing, heartbreaking, sleep-walking spiritually bankrupt-dead phenomena illness.  Only GOD is the power and the solution to all my problems.  True powerlessness is accepting the truth...I need help.  I cannot do this alone.  I need GOD's help...there's not another human being, constitution, or institution that can do for me what only GOD has the authority and power to do..set me free from the bondage of Self...to love GOD, myself and others.  One day at a time. "Let it begin with me..."  Love, Carol

The Burning Ring of Fire

Well, night before last, about 10:15pm there was a knock at the door.  Elvis was barking and Sho went to answer it.  An elderly white man stood outside and asked if we were burning anything in the back yard because there was a fire.  Sho and he raced over to see, dragged the water hose, turned the water on then sprayed the fire.  I ran to the bathroom window and was able to see the fire as they doused it with water.

The fire itself was about 10 feet in circumference.  A perfect ring, like a glowing red, dancing, stenciled, neat line.  It looked eery in the pitch dark of the night.  Like in a movie.  Anyway, I called 911 and the bomberos (firemen) came to help.

No problem.  The fire was out and they just made sure there were no smoldering embers around.

Apparently what happened was a leaning utility pole's wires had brushed another pole, a spark fell to the ground, and since there was absolutely no wind blowing,  it burned the leaves and brush in a slow, outward circle.  Amazing.

In the morning, the electric company came and repaired the wire, pole, etc.

Wow.
 NOTE:  update:  encountered this beautiful group singing...a ring of fire by the dearly departed Johnny Cash

Sho agreed GOD was so obviously involved in helping us with that fire.  In how many ways it's hard to say.   It is definitely a miracle.  Thank YOU, Higher Power.
A humbling experience.  One more thing to be grateful for.  Divine intervention.  Yeah!

Last night I went to an Alanon speaker meeting and had the privilege of listening to Mary #1 tell her story.  Afterward I saw Blackbelt Al-Anon Mary had a lovely, large yellow book titled "Twelves Steps of Adult Children:  Steps Workbook".  She had an extra one in her car so I bought it for $10.  I am all into recovery literature.  I love the mental chitter-chatter of reading these authors' conversations.  Also, I found it online at....http://www.shop.adultchildren.org/12-Step-Workbook-100-3.htm

Anyway, I've learned to keep an open mind, a willing heart and acceptance that more will be revealed as the journey unfolds.  Love, Carol xoxox

Honestly...how important is "honesty"?

I did a search at http://anonpress.org/bb/index.htm.  In the first 164 pages of the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous" the word honesty shows up 6 times:

Page 58 ...of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest. Our stories disclose in a general way...

Page 73:    open
  ...all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story. More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage...

Page 65  ...We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent 

Page 140  ...above-board chap could be so involved. But these scrapes can generally be charged, no matter how bad, to the abnormal action of alcohol on his mind. When drinking, or getting over a bout, an alcoholic, sometimes the model of honesty when 

Page 145  ...example, reveal that he has padded his expense account or that he has planned to take your best customers away from you. In fact, he may say almost anything if he has accepted our solution which, as you know, demands rigorous honesty. Can you charge this off as you would a bad account and start fresh with him? If he owes you money you may wish to make terms. If he speaks of his home situation, you can undoubtedly make helpful suggestions. Can he...

Page 13  ...when these things were done I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator; that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honesty and humility 

This word is also on page 570 of the 3rd Edition..."Willingness, honesty and open mindedness are the essentials of recovery.  But these are indispensable."

I am a natural born liar, or more genteelly put, a natural born storyteller.  Am I a truth-teller or a compulsive truth-teller?  Is there a difference?  Do I tell the truth about you much quicker than the truth about me?  What about the saying, "Truth without love is brutality.  Love without truth is people-pleasing."?   Where does that fit in the truth-telling continuum?  

Do I tell the truth when I know it will be used to discriminate against me?  What is the difference between honesty and stupidity?  Or do I only tell the truth about things that can be found out?  Do I pick and choose the truth of what I know or just throw it all out there causing injury to myself or others?

The truth for me is...I live with me, day and night.  "To thine own self be true." works for me because other people's tolerance for fudging and smudging the truth might work for them but for me, my experience is I must be rigorously honest in all things, except when to do so would be injurious.  My experience is to call a person strong in the program and consult with them.  My experience is go to page 86 and meditate.  My experience is...take it all to my Higher Power and ask for G.ood O.rderly D.irection.  My experience is...I don't always know what is the next best thing so I submit to a Power greater than myself that DOES KNOW and I ask for help.  GOD is everything or nothing.   

Page 53  ...crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn't. What was our choice to be? Arrived at this point, we were squarely confronted with the question of faith. We couldn't duck the issue. Some of us had already walked far over the Bridge of Reason toward the desired shore of faith... 

And I love page 60 where it says:  "God could and would if He were sought. Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our will and our life over to God as we understood Him." because as I stand at the crossroads in my daily life, there are multiple opportunities to make the decision to turn it over in all my relationships...even my relationship with "honesty" and how it applies to everything else.

Me, myself and I are not the solution but are much more likely to be the cause of most of my problems.  The Higher Power is the solution, the spiritual solution to all my problems.  It's easy to say...hard as heck to do at times.  I feel grateful this program is about progress and not perfection...jeesh.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Cycle

I love to watch old Bob Ross painting shows.  In his gentle, soft voice he said, "There are no mistakes."

I remember a time when I was a teenager living at The Home and I was having a huge pity party of one.  I lay back on my bed, cradled my head and fixated on all the wrongs in my world, past, and life yet to be.  I grieved, cried, sobbed silent tears of self-pity.  I anguished over all that had happened to me.  Why was I alive? Why was I even born?  What was the point?

For hours, a dark cloud of despair, frustration, anger, hopelessness engulfed me as I played the greatest role of MARTYRDOM, a heroine without a cause...and without an audience.  Thud.

I usually went on a downward spiral sometime around my monthly cycle.  Definitely hormonal influences there.  I can laugh about it now but then, it felt horrible.  I felt off-center, hyper-emotional, slightly unstable.  As soon as my period passed, I stabilized.  Felt ok.  Human again.  I learned to make allowances for that time of the month.  No heavy duty decisions, no shopping, and no spending money because I usually went overboard then regretted it.

Now as an older woman I no longer have the outward evidence of a monthly cycle and I feel a lot more stable, emotionally and mentally.  Not such a hormonal roller coaster ride.

I do notice however, there seem to be times of the year when my thoughts, emotions and reactions are exacerbated.  Mainly during the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and daylight savings time changes in the fall or spring.

When I am off-kilter, this is when I most need to do the 12 Steps.  My thought life is chaotic, emotions agitated, life isn't treating me like I think it should, etc.  This is when I can get a really good look at myself to see what's inside, what's really going on.  Kind of like stirring a pot of soup.  As the ladle moves around, the different ingredients swirl and show up so I can tell what's in there and what is missing. It might be compassion, mercy, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, love, faith, hope, charity, etc.

Then I get to let go and let GOD, to do for me what I never could do for myself...transform me to better serve my Higher Power and my Higher Power's children...GOD-willing.  Love, Carol xoxox

Unfolding, Growing, Blossoming

I went to my meetings yesterday and met with a couple of sponsees.  I'm grateful.

At the 3 o'clock AA meeting we had a speaker.  She was lovely to hear because she used the "How it works" chapter to tell her story.  So her story had a recognizable structure.

What fascinated me the most was a part in her story where she described feeling "different", "not fitting in".  She said it was late in the evening and her family was in the backyard just hanging out.  Her 5 other siblings were sitting in the lighted area with the parents and she had separated herself from them all.  She was in the dark and thought, "They don't like me, they're all talking about me."  This experience was something she wasn't able to talk about, to process, and became a part of her she did not talk about, was uncomfortable about.  She added other things she wasn't able to talk about through the years.  Until finally arriving in the rooms of the 12 Steps process.

I embrace her and all the others who have arrived...AND KEEP COMING BACK.  It really does take an act of courage to work this program, to go to the meetings, to read the literature, to walk the talk, to do the deal.  I love her and all the others who suit up and show up to be a part of this unfolding miracle of healing and growing.  I feel moved and happy to "fit in", feel at home.

I may not be "all that and a pack of potato chips" but I am all of me, like no other, uniquely qualified to help others who also suffer from this spiritual malady.  Just like you are.  Like fingerprints, there are no two exactly alike but they all come from fingertips.

I have been to the pit of hell and know what it feels like and what it takes to keep my butt out of there because I can go there in a flash, a blink of an eye, at any time of day or night if I don't do the work.

"Change only happens when
                        the pain of holding on
                                         is greater
                                                    than the fear
                                                                   of letting go."

Yep.  It's like that...I got this quote from http://www.teen-anon.com/quotes.htm.  I hope you visit this site and find some you like to pass on!  Love, Carol xoxox

Wow...survived Thanksgiving Day! Yeah!!

Well, the Thanksgiving holiday was pretty interesting.  Ultimately, Sho and I cooked our meal then later grazed at leisure.  I went to work at the shelter which was sweet and humbling.  After work I went to my oldest son's house and everyone was pretty much gathered there.  Family and friends, children playing.  Chitter, chatter.  Finally I made it back home later on in the evening and rested.  Quite a lovely day.  My daughter and her husband came to pick up Stitch after their return from visiting his parents in another town.  They planned to drop off Stitch then go to Will's house for the gathering.

I'm grateful.

There is a new person working at the shelter and she is a-m-a-z-i-n-g!  She's in AA and is a whirlwind of PROGRAM in capital letters.  I'm starting to think I'm just a wanna-be.  Jeesh.  She even was going to visit a prison this weekend to "carry the message".  I believe the Higher Power brought her to the shelter and I'm definitely influenced by her to up my program.

More will be revealed...and I'm excited!  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

P.S.  It's official...I gained 1(one) pound.  Thank GOD it wasn't 5!  Jeesh.---C.

Loving it...just for today

So I went and dropped off a large bag of oranges and also some pomegranates for my grandchildren last night.  Sho and I are invited to go to their house on Thanksgiving Day, as usual.  There will be many family and extended family members.  I thanked them for the invitation but we probably won't go since I'll be working and Sho will watch the game at home.  We will prepare the turkey, fixings, etc. but like the quiet, sedate, peace instead of the hyper-activity of very large family gatherings.

Although, when our children were at home, we provided a nice celebratory event for them.  Games, running and playing, art, etc.  Football or a basketball game.  Food galore.  Music.  I'd play guitar and they knew all the words of most any song I played.  Just a nice, family festive time.

Now Sho and I are chilling the most.  :)  Kicking back.  And l-i-k-i-n-g it.  :)

I know, I know...we "should" be doing Thanksgiving like expected, BUT we want to do it this way.

What I enjoy is watching them have a good time creating their own celebration and  enjoy themselves.  Cute.  :)  Pass it on...

Just for today, I hope to continue to relax, be at peace, and enjoy my life.  It may not be perfect, okay it's far from perfect, by anyone else's standards, but it is my life.  This is the only one I get and for me, the biggest deal is that I enjoy it.  Enjoy living it.  Share this brief time here on earth with others.  GOD bless and keep you all during the holiday season.  Drive safe and stay-off those darn cellphones while driving!  Love, Carol xoxox

At the end of the day...

I have some unfinished business to take care of...go visit and make amends to my granddaughter who in all likelihood is fine, so over it, while I'm emotionally enmeshed in it.  Jeesh.

EVERY problem in my life has a solution, especially when I apply my program to it.  The suggestion is to start my day in meditation and prayer to the Higher Power, page 86.

When in doubt........pause...ask GOD.

Why do I forget to do this?  When I know it works every time?  Thank goodness this program is not dependent on doing it perfectly...it's about progress.  Yeah!

Well, Thanksgiving Day is fast approaching.  The illusion or social expectation is we will all be gathered around the table, laughing, talking, enjoying ourselves and our families.  Whereas, in reality, many of us will not be doing this.  

Sho and I discussed what we plan to do.  I will make my famous, yummy cornbread dressing and bake a small turkey, etc.  He will stay home and watch the game while I go to work at the shelter for a while.  We will graze, relax and enjoy our day.  

Will our children come over?  I don't know.  They make their own celebrations and sometimes we go visit.  I like to go visit because I can leave when I'm ready.  Pretty selfish if you ask me.

Anyway, at the end of today, of Thanksgiving Day, of any day, including the last day of life...the questions we will need to answer are (from page 86):

Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life?

"I"

Well, I picked up Stitch yesterday and he spent the night.  He and Elvis have this ritual of who is top dog?  Stitch complains to me that Elvis is looking dangerous at him so after I redirect Elvis, Stitch runs over to get a milkbone out of the big box on the floor.  No fights yet, so I guess all is well in their kingdom.

Today I hope to reconnect with my granddaughter.  I plan to ask her how can I make it up to her for my rudeness, inappropriate language, and crazy behavior of talking "lip".  I must own it before I can change it.

Empty promises mean n-o-t-h-i-n-g.  I must walk my talk.

I see where my game playing revolves around not using "I" statements.  Earlier this morning, I googled "I" statements on the Internet and found many sites regarding this communication skill.  Also, there was a situation not too long ago at my job where a co-worker really irritated me and I talked to my boss about this.  He looked at me quizzically and coached me to use the "I" statement.

Jeesh.

The "I" statement is a basic, fundamental skill in communications.  I learned it many, many years ago.

Why am I struggling to use it now?  Growth and development seem to spiral up or down.  Not linear...like 2 forward, 1 back, maybe.

Anyway, I can stay in "my head mode" trying to analyze, figure out, fortune tell, hind sight, use up precious present moments in a neighborhood that's dangerous (in my head!) or I can get in the action mode.

Do the deal.

Step 1...Love, Carol xoxox

Step 10

Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Well, yesterday morning I woke up at 4:50am and watched the sewing crafts show,  then the Bob Ross painting show, put the coffee on, found something to wear, left to go pick up my grandchildren to take them to school.  Neither one of them is a little child.  One is a senior and the other a junior in high school.  I live a bit out in the country and they are not too distant.  I get there about 10-15 minutes on a good day with little traffic.  I also went to pickup my daughter before I went to their house.  Her car's transmission is going out.

She was walking Stitch, put him in the apartment, then we left.  We waited at my son's house for my grandchildren.  And waited.  And waited.  My grandson was quick but my granddaughter, well, took about 20 minutes plus I still needed to get my daughter to her job in time for an important meeting, etc.

I felt angry, resentful, agitated, pissed-off, sleepy, tired, put-out, dissed, plus I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, etc.  To put it mildly...I was at a "bad" place, in a "bad" way.  I doubt I have ever talked so bluntly and foul-mouthed to them.  Ever.

Now, my children had the fun of growing-up hearing my potty-mouth, belligerent, verbally aggressive, emotionally abusive, mentally unstable, say-anything-that-crosses-my-mind-in-the-moment, etc. bullcrap.  Most of it directed at them, about them.  Never about me and MY insanity.  And not in public.  In the privacy of the car or our house.  What could they say??  Nothing because when I was ranting and raging I didn't want to hear, listen or care about a damn thing they had to say.  I was c-r-a-z-y and busy blaming them, the world, my mom, the past, or anything else I could think of.

So...when my granddaughter came out to the car, not even a "thank you for waiting" or expression of concern or consideration for the inconvenience, etc.  I was triple pissed-off.  I started spewing my stuff.

I told her, "I am an extreme personality.  I am selfish.  There are 2 things I absolutely hate:  I hate to wait and I hate to look for things.  Guess what?  You're supposed to be out here waiting for me at 7am.  Not me out here waiting for you.  When I'm here waiting and waiting it makes me think you don't care.  Like you're telling me, "F--- you.  I don't give a sh-- if you wait for me or not.  I don't care if you get up early in the morning, take time from your life, reschedule your world, etc."  Words to that effect.  Jeesh.

The only saving grace in this narration is I didn't cuss her out, didn't call her names, didn't threaten or put my hands on her...which I've never done.  Thank GOD.  I feel like crying right now as I type this.  I grieve speaking so callously.  Even though I know she probably has heard a heck of a lot worse in her life, I feel sad that I contribute any pain, discomfort to her.  She is a precious child of GOD, just like me.

Last night I cradled the telephone in my hand and I kept wanting to call her and extend an amends to her.  To tell her I regreted cussing and discharging so much energy in the morning and to ask her how could I make it up to her.  I wanted to call but it was so late, I still wanted to call, but no, I might wake them up, etc.  So I didn't make the call.

I went this morning to pick them up...no one came to the car.  I arrived at 7:01 am, waited close to 20 minutes then I left and came back home.  I got on my hands and knees then prayed to my Higher Power.  I put it all in GOD's hands.

A few minutes later I received these texts:

"Good morning, Carol.  Wanted to let u know 19 yrs DOES matter,  Very grateful for your daily blogs, it's like we are going through same motions."

"We do the best we can today.  It's progress...not perfection.  We have come a long way and I am so blessed to have you as one of my dear friends on my journey."

"Hope you have a blessed day sweetie.  We keep doing this deal."

More will be revealed.

In the book of "Alcoholics Anonymous", page 84, it says..."Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code."

Sincerely, Carol xoxox

A Rough Day After

After I left the workshop on Saturday, I felt a tsunami of emotions sweep over me. On Sunday it was worse.

The thoughts were tumultuous, huge waves of self-loathing, self-pity, doubts, fears,  selfish and self-centered to the extreme.

Thoughts like, "Why do I even bother?  Who cares?  So what if I have 19 years of sobriety?  What difference does it make?  No one even notices.  I'm nothing in the mix of all the people who make it or don't make it.  Why don't I just give up?  It doesn't matter to anybody.  Not even to myself.  There is no point in it.  I might as well just give up.  Who needs a 20 years birthday in AA?  I don't.  No body else appreciates me.  Why don't I just stop doing this?  It's useless.  I'm stupid.  I keep on trying to do this Program, these Steps, and I still don't get it right all the way, all the time.  I still have to keep learning, learning, learning like I'm too slow to get it like everybody else seems to be getting it.  Look at them...they got it.  I don't."  Wah, wah, wah.   Jeesh.  It was m-e-a-n, cruel, incessant.  Resentment is a number one offender in that it's so sneaky, feels so natural, like second-nature.  Don't even realize I'm in it, like an emotional quicksand sucking me down into the mire and guck of the abyss, the hellhole of separation from my HP and fellow human beings.

I felt bewildered, beleaguered, confounded.  Whoa.

I realized I over-did it the day before.  The workshop lasted all day.  There were breaks but it felt like I'd been in a marathon.  I didn't even want to go to the restroom because I felt afraid I'd miss something.  Plus at the end of the day, I realized the whole workshop was pretty much what I'd already heard on-line.  And I felt disappointed in me.  :(

So Sunday I stayed home most of the day, prepared to go to the 3pm meeting but on-route I changed my mind.  I dropped off Stitch's grooming comb and lint brush at my daughter's apartment then I went to Goodwill (a thrift store) and browsed, looked around, relaxed for a few hours.  Not really wanting or needing anything, just curious to see what the Universe brought there.  Like an Easter egg hunt...a surprise if I find something I really like.  :)  LOL

Anyway, after resting and relaxing I felt so much better.  My place in the matrix of where I fit readjusted itself.  The Higher Power rules and I submit.  My sobriety does matter.  It matters to me and to others who may feel a ray of hope that no matter what, I got 19 years under my belt.  I may not work the Steps perfectly and that's okay.  Just as long as I keep working them.  More will be revealed.  And it does get better.  Just like the disease gets worse and worse if left untreated.  The healing and growth in the Program gets better and better as long as I suit up and show up and work those darn Steps...yeah!  Love, Carol xoxox



  

On My Knees...

Remember I wrote yesterday I planned to get down on my knees?  Didn't do it.

I can tell it on myself.  :)

That's what is different today in sobriety than ever before.  I could tell it on YOU but not me, no way.  I had a strong commitment to "Gotta look good, avoid looking bad".  What others thought of me was vitally important, more important than what I thought of me.  I was quick to berate me, put me down, tell me things that if it was someone else telling me these things I'd want to fight them.

Today I actually catch myself thinking sweet, kind, gentle reminders or re-directions to myself.  "It's okay, sweetie.  You can try again tomorrow, or next time."  I'm not so hard on me.  And not so hard on others.

It's about progress, not perfection.  Yep.

I'm getting down...on my knees...right now...instead of waiting for life's circumstances to dictate this...I willingly, voluntarily submit to my Higher Power.  As GOD wills...so be it.  Love, Carol  xoxox

Hitting Bottom in Sobriety

You know, I've hit bottoms in sobriety.  Notice "bottoms" is plural.  I thought once I quit drinking, everything would be hunky-dory, just right.  W-r-o-n-g.

There's a saying, "I thought I'd feel better....and I do...I feel sad better, I feel mad better, I feel fear better, etc."  Jeesh.  I mean, I r-e-a-l-l-y feel it.  Deep, down in my very heart and soul.  Crushingly real.  And my reaction is to *u*s*e*.

Stop the pain,  Numb the pain.  Run from the pain of whatever is bothering me.  Anything but f-e-e-l it.  It's like having the feeling itself is worse than whatever is causing the pain.

I went to the Big Book study workshop on Saturday and listened.  I met Myers and he didn't look at all like I thought he would.  So much for preconceived ideas.  I also asked him a question that my AA friend, Jean, had mentioned at the table I was sitting at.

Myers and his friend, Chris, had been on the 4th Step.  They had talked about working the resentments, then fears, then the sex inventories.  It was time for a break in the session.  They had also mentioned guilt, shame and remorse but didn't elaborate so Jean wondered about this because it sounded like there was column work for these, too.

During the break, I introduced myself to Myers and also asked him about how guilt, shame and remorse were addressed in the inventory columns.  After the break, Christ explained that essentially, as a natural part of the process of working the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 Steps the guilt, shame and remorse are resolved.  Oh.  Okay.

I seem to be one of the nuttier ones, I guess.  I have a RELATIONSHIP with guilt, shame and remorse.  I need to work the Steps on these relationships, just like the relationships with TRUST, LOVE, HOPE, GOD, PATIENCE, ETC.  Seems to me, I have a strong relationship with guilt, shame, and remorse to the point where they are not just feelings, they are entities, beings in my head.  More will be revealed.

I felt relieved to see a few of my AA friends at the workshop and I felt their companionship during this event.  This was actually a highlight of the experience for me was to see their beautiful faces right there alongside me in this adventure.  :)

Anyway, the biggest emotional, meaningful thread in the whole workshop that I strongly felt was I need to get down on my knees and pray to my Higher Power.  Period.  I usually don't do this.  I am either laying in bed, at my puter, or sitting at my chair THEN I pray.  I am willing to try getting down on my knees, humble.  Starting today.  Love, Carol xoxox

TGIF

Thank GOD It's Friday...yep.

This morning I go pickup my grandchildren and drop them off at school.  Today my blog is short.  I guess I just want to write what I can for this day.

I talked with one of my sponsees last night.  She asked me how I was doing and I told her about it being Day 2.  She wondered if my sponsor has challenges with food.  No, she doesn't, as far as I know, she's mainly a recovered Alcoholic and Al-Anon.  What about OA?  Have I tried this?  Yes and it worked until I quit going to the 3pm Sunday OA meeting so I could go to the 3pm Sunday Women's AA meeting.  Hmmm...I told her I'd start listening to online OA meetings and get my foot back in the door.  Also, I still have OA phone numbers of people I can call to help me.  My sponsee said she used to have problems with food but the compulsions were removed when she did her Steps regarding  alcohol.  Awesome.

So, for today, Day 3, there are some things for me to do.  Listen to OA meetings online and pick up that 5000 pound phone.  Stick with my food plan.  One day at a time.  What an awesome sponsee...I think sometimes they help me so much more than I help them.  Somehow it all works out.  Thank GOD.  LOL  Love, Carol xoxox

A Problem with STAYING Stopped

Well, this is Day 2 on my food plan...already I get wobbly.

The saying is, "I don't have a problem stopping...I've stopped a million times...I have a problem staying stopped."

If nothing else, just for today I do have a program.  I have the Steps to help me process the insanity of my thought-life where in the landscape of my mind run the sometimes berserk unresolved feelings and thoughts regarding people, places and things of yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Talk about a hurricane of feelings and thoughts.  Before the feeling...I had the thought that generated the feeling.  My thoughts trigger emotional responses wherein lie the irritable, restless and discontent symptoms of the illness.  Which in turn, can trigger the impulse to act-out physically.

As long as I keep the plug in the jug, leave the drugs (a donut can be a drug) alone, avoid laying a bet, avoid shopping compulsively, avoid eating compulsively, avoid venting my emotions on anyone, or avoid whatever else I may have a  problem with,  I keep the physical phenomena of craving contained.  I have a chance.  Otherwise, I don't.  Otherwise, I'm in the grip.  The vortex of the control/release, guilt/shame/remorse cycle of addiction which never gets better, just worse and worse with each relapse.  Just a matter of time.

 How to stop the crap?  Work the Steps.

Step 1...Love, Carol x0x0x

living & loving large

Well, I arrived home last night and after feeding Elvis, I ate 2 donuts.  Stuffed them down would be a better word for that experience.  I can't say I e-n-j-o-y-e-d them because the experience didn't last long enough to relish, embrace, love the moment.  So much for the Steps.  Where were they in that moment?

I met a man not too long ago who has 5 stents in his heart, too many meds to count, overweight, diabetic, high cholesterol  not supposed to eat salt, etc.  Might not live long enough to see his next birthday in a couple of months.  And I watched him devour 2 porkchops, mounds of potato salad...I asked him about this and he just looked at me bemused because no matter what, he craved those port chops.

I saw how my Aunt Hilda died...she craved that last cigarette, no matter what.  Same thing like that guy with the porkchops.

Same thing like me with those donuts last night.

So...

I went to Amazon.com and downloaded the book re:  the DASH food plan and menus.  This morning I''m counting my food stuff for today.  My doctor told me in JULY she wanted me on 1500 calories a day.

Today is day 1.  I weigh....260.2    I'm working on complying with my doctor and cutting the crap.  Get on or get off the pity-pot and take care of business.  One day at a time.  Just for today, dear Higher Power, just for today....  Love, Carol xoxox

P.S. Instead of craving food stuff...I want to c-r-a-v-e enjoying life and living large, loving large.  :)

Sponsorship Workshop

I am sooooo excited!  This coming Saturday at the Riverbend Church there is a 12 Step sponsor workshop for only $20.  It's an all day event and lunch is provided and most of all...Myers R. will be there teaching, sharing about sponsorship.  I'm going...GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.  I have never met Myers but I think I have a crush on him.  He's so articulate and the first time I heard his speaker's meeting mp3 recorded in Iceland I felt so deeply moved, I cried.  At last, someone was telling my story in AA.  How I struggled and flipped and flopped and skittered here and there AFTER arriving in the rooms of AA, always wanting a quality of recovery that some people seemed to have but never quite getting it.  Almost so close, but so far away.

AA Jean and Charlotte and I agreed to meet up at Riverbend.  Yeah!  Hopefully I can get in.  There are only 250 seats available.  I put this in the hands of my Higher Power.  It's been my experience that Al-Anon's who keep an open mind and attend these kind of opportunities get an extraordinary chance to become black belt Al-Anons.  Wow.  LOL  Awesome.

Well, today I am at peace.  The good thing is I feel serene, blessed, stress-less.  Thank GOD.  :)  Love, Carol xoxox

The Body Doesn't Lie

I remember when Bernard asked me how I felt I told him I didn't know how I felt.  He encouraged me to "feel" my body, connect to it.  So I noticed my legs were clenched together tightly, knees glued side by side.  I told him how I felt the lower part of my body clutched, constricted.  That is when he instructed me to pick one of the four feeling words:

1.  Angry
2.  Happy
3.  Afraid
4.  Sad

But why did he tell me to connect with my body?  Because it doesn't lie.  It just is.  If I connect and listen to it, it tells me how it really is.

The most powerful time in the world is in the here and now.  But how do I get in it?  How do I know where I am?  In the matrix of times past, present, future, what might have been, etc.?

I've noticed if I'm feeling overly stimulated, anxious, agitated, angry, annoyed...I'm not in the present moment.

If I'm overwhelmingly sad, withdrawn, dejected, neglected, abandoned, depressed, etc. I am not in the present moment.

How do I get in the present moment?  I crinkle my toes and feel the sensation of what my toes are feeling.  The instant I register the feeling of what my toes are scrunching on...I'm here.  I'm in the NOW.  Simple.  The body doesn't lie.  It works for me every time.

There are many, many ways to accomplish this.  I did an Internet search  of "how to get in the present moment" and this was the result.
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=mcafee&p=how+to+get+in+the+present+moment

Anyway, now that I'm in the NOW, what do I do?

Step 1...                                                Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Honesty is a tricky word

Honesty is a very, very tricky word for me.

World English Dictionary

honesty  (ˈɒnɪstɪ)
— n  , pl -ties
1.	the condition of being honest
2.	sincerity or fairness
3.	archaic  virtue or respect
4.	moonwort , Also called: satinpod  a purple-flowered SEEuropean plant, Lunaria annua,  cultivated for its flattenedsilvery pods, which are used for indoor decoration: familyBrassicaceae  (crucifers)

There are many kinds or levels of honesty.  Hey, I'm not an authority on this by any means.  I just notice that in my life honesty tends to flip flop in many ways.  Some subtle and some not so subtle   I can tell the truth about other people.  I have a harder time in seeing the truth about me, much less speaking it.

I've been known to be blunt spoken.  What I think and how I feel...about others.  Quick on the draw.  But the real me, deep down inside...now that is very slow.  I hesitate, hide, hem and haw...anything but be real about how I truly feel, deep inside.  The superficial is fast.

I can be honest about other people's "stuff".  After all, it's all their fault I am the way I am---all shaky inside, uncertain, bewildered, unsure, fearful, fixating on "what's wrong with me, or with them, or with us", etc.  I get to blame them.  Finger-pointing.  Faultfinding.

I know about compulsive truth-telling where  I used to tell "the truth" because I felt like I had no choice.  If I was asked a question, I blurted "the truth" whether it was appropriate or not.  The truth was black or white.  I had no gray areas, no holding back the horses...straight out...right over me and others, leaving people black and blue in the wake.

I used honesty like I was at war for power.  You're wrong and I was out to prove it, so help me God.  There was a bitter, compulsion to be "right".  I "win".  You "lose".  At all costs.  Winner takes all.

There is a saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets."  So I got busy trying to be as open and honest about what happened to me as a child, as a young woman, etc.  What I got busy with was the FACTS.  I thought that was being honest and to a certain degree, this is true.

For me, at this time, the greater truth is how I FEEL.  Feel is a hard word too.  :)  Bernard has worked with me about this.  Because I tend to reside so much in my head, he encouraged me to only use four words to describe how I "feel".

1.  Angry
2.  Happy
3.  Afraid
4.  Sad

The acronym being ahas!   Sounds easy, doesn't it?  Let me tell you, I really struggled with this.  It has been an important part of my recovery though.  How can I be honest about how I feel if I don't really know how I feel?  I learned to stuff down my feelings, deny, adjust, pretend, anything but be honest about how I truly felt.  It was in my best interest to lie, lie, lie.  Little white lies, lies by omission, minimize, maximize, rationalize, defend, offend, justify, haggle, trade off, etc.  It got to where I lied about lying.  On top of that, I've never really been very good at lying.  After all that practice, you would think I'd be great at it.  Half the time I forgot what I said, plus many people have told me you can pretty much read my face.  Jeesh.

Anyway, to stop playing a game, the honesty I need to use is where I just put it out there.  What I put out there is how I truly feel while I respect others may feel differently.   I say, "You know, I feel sad (or happy, angry, afraid) about this."

Sounds simple, doesn't it?  I'm such a game player I try to turn feelings into games, too, but I don't even notice it.

When I work the Steps, to the best of my ability at that time, call my sponsor, read the literature, pray and meditate, journal, etc. this helps me stop the lying half the time I don't even realize I'm doing because this is what I've done for so long it feels like second-nature, a part of me.  Don't even notice it.

I guess the part of awakening is where I DO notice.  I ask my Higher Power for help...and it arrives...and I actually can see it for what it is...a Power Greater than myself has done for me what I could never do for myself...set me free from the bondage of the Lie.

There is a book titled, "The People of the Lie" by Dr. M.Scott Peck.  Fascinating.  It's like that. Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Get off or stay on the Carousel

I decided whenever I had children, all my children were going to have the same dad and no matter what they would have their dad, no other, like Leave It To Beaver had his mom and dad.

I decided I would never leave the father of my children, no matter what, for their sake, not break up the family unit.

As I write this, I am actually starting to sweat.  Strong feelings of anger are gathering in my body.  I'm starting to agitate, like a cat that swishes its tail.

After all the major bull**** I put myself through, I'm lucky to be alive...after all the hell my children went through because of my decision to stick it through, I'm lucky they even talk to me at all.  I am definitely crazy in this area because even though new data, new information kept presenting itself, deal breakers were happening left and right, no matter what, I stuck to the decision I made at a younger state of mind, a younger Carol made that decision and I never wanted to let my younger self down.  Because to fail meant I was a failure.  Terribly rigid erroneous thinking.  Unwillingness to change.  Dishonest to the core.  Because I kept lying over and over to myself and everybody else.

"It's not that bad.  Other people go through things and they stay together.  It'll stop one day.  It could be worse.  I'll teach him a lesson.  I'm stronger than him and his addictions.  I'm good people, good enough, better than anyone else he can get, he'll see it one day.  He is the father, like it's said, "Father knows best."  We will be as "one".  I hate the behavior, not him.  This time, it'll be different.  I'm sorry, so is he, we'll work it out someway.  That's IT.  This is the l-a-s-t time I'm  putting up with this.  I'll never do it again."

B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.  My self-esteem plummeted further and further down.  I put up with stuff that a normal person in their right mind would absolutely NOT put up with one minute.  Slowly but surely, day by day, my goose was cooked.  AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.  I stayed right there in the middle of the roasting pan, sweating it, thinking "it's not that bad, it'll get better".  Jeesh.  As it kept getting worse and worse.

Break-up.  Make-up.  And here we go again.  Over and over.  Slowly just getting worse and worse.  Now I know whenever I hear the words "This is IT." I'm in a game and I need to s-t-o-p it.  The only way I know to stop playing games is to be honest.  Period.  Otherwise, I'm choosing to "play the game" and the role I have a lot of experience in playing is "Victim/Loser".  The other 2 roles are "Judge/Persecutor" and "Rescuer/Savior".  My experience is I can move from role to role or I can stop it.  Get off the Carousel of Denial.

How to stop is the key.  By working the Steps.  To do this requires Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness.  Simple.  Hard as heck to do.  No one else can do it for me and I must stop waiting for somebody else to do it first.  Let it begin with me.  It's an inside job.

Dear Higher Power, as You Will.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

The ever elusive "psychic change"

Why is it so hard for me to work the Steps?  Even when it hurts so much not to?  

The hard part is NOBODY is doing anything to me.  I am doing this to me. And I can't see the truth of this no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard people point it out to me.  I just can't see it.

Because in my mind, it's all their fault.  I'm not doing anything at all.  I am perfectly innocent.  A perfectly innocent victim.  See what they do to me?  It's all their fault.  I wasn't doing a damn thing to contribute to the problem.  I was just being nice and hoping they would be nice, too.  So I volunteered. 

Because in my mind, I make-up stories about how things are going to work-out or not work-out.  I want what I want.  So I write scripts and give others the roles I expect them to play so I can get what I want.  Sometimes I camouflage all these efforts and act like I do this all for them.  I get in the Director's chair...again.  One more time.  Only to find out, again and again, it doesn't work.

But I just don't see it for what it is.

Because I can't.

Denial is very strong.  Do I drink over it?  Or eat?  Or rage?  Or pity-party?  Not at first.  Because all I can do is THINK about it.  Or another word...fixate, obsess about it.

In the Doctor's Opinion, there is a part where it talks about..."once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules. "  Except for alcohol, I substitute this word with "control", "food", "sex", "martyrdom", "rage", or whatever else is presenting a challenge.

It's said, "I know where my best thinking took me.  It brought me to these rooms."  This illness resides in the mind.  I'm skewed in this area.  I cannot rely on the same mind that brought me into the quicksand to be the same mind to rescue me.

I need the Higher Power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

That's why all I need to do is "follow a few simple rules" or Steps.

But, nooooooooo.I must first experience countless vain attempts to find an easier, softer way of relying on myself, my mind, my problem-solving self-centered will.   I must, over and over, try to control it.  Until it hurts so much.  The grip of restlessness, irritation and discontent of the illness is so strong that I just don't want to do it anymore.  Until the result is nil.  Then and only then will I be willing to let go, absolutely. 

That last Royal ass-whipping.  The one that hurts so bad, I'm willing to do whatever I got to do to avoid hurting like that again.  

G.ift 
O.f 
D.esperation

I get desperate enough...I will do the work...and then the psychic change will occur.   "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps..."  Sincerely, Carol xoxox

Quiet morning...

Well, the holidays are definitely on their way.  Also the Holiday Blues.  Something to be aware of.

Anyway, yesterday we did karaoke at the shelter and it was lovely, exciting, transformative.   I saw faces glowing with smiles, outright laughter, and fun.  Nice.  Swaying, dancing, giggling.  It was really different from the usual, day-to-day  routine.  Just a bunch of people having a good time.  Really lovely.

Sho returned from his fishing trip last night and it was good seeing his face, knowing he's back safe and at home.

Just for now, everything feels quiet and peaceful.  For this I'm grateful.  Love, Carol xoxox