World English Dictionary
There are many kinds or levels of honesty. Hey, I'm not an authority on this by any means. I just notice that in my life honesty tends to flip flop in many ways. Some subtle and some not so subtle I can tell the truth about other people. I have a harder time in seeing the truth about me, much less speaking it.
I've been known to be blunt spoken. What I think and how I feel...about others. Quick on the draw. But the real me, deep down inside...now that is very slow. I hesitate, hide, hem and haw...anything but be real about how I truly feel, deep inside. The superficial is fast.
I can be honest about other people's "stuff". After all, it's all their fault I am the way I am---all shaky inside, uncertain, bewildered, unsure, fearful, fixating on "what's wrong with me, or with them, or with us", etc. I get to blame them. Finger-pointing. Faultfinding.
I know about compulsive truth-telling where I used to tell "the truth" because I felt like I had no choice. If I was asked a question, I blurted "the truth" whether it was appropriate or not. The truth was black or white. I had no gray areas, no holding back the horses...straight out...right over me and others, leaving people black and blue in the wake.
I used honesty like I was at war for power. You're wrong and I was out to prove it, so help me God. There was a bitter, compulsion to be "right". I "win". You "lose". At all costs. Winner takes all.
There is a saying, "We're only as sick as our secrets." So I got busy trying to be as open and honest about what happened to me as a child, as a young woman, etc. What I got busy with was the FACTS. I thought that was being honest and to a certain degree, this is true.
For me, at this time, the greater truth is how I FEEL. Feel is a hard word too. :) Bernard has worked with me about this. Because I tend to reside so much in my head, he encouraged me to only use four words to describe how I "feel".
1. Angry
2. Happy
3. Afraid
4. Sad
The acronym being ahas! Sounds easy, doesn't it? Let me tell you, I really struggled with this. It has been an important part of my recovery though. How can I be honest about how I feel if I don't really know how I feel? I learned to stuff down my feelings, deny, adjust, pretend, anything but be honest about how I truly felt. It was in my best interest to lie, lie, lie. Little white lies, lies by omission, minimize, maximize, rationalize, defend, offend, justify, haggle, trade off, etc. It got to where I lied about lying. On top of that, I've never really been very good at lying. After all that practice, you would think I'd be great at it. Half the time I forgot what I said, plus many people have told me you can pretty much read my face. Jeesh.
Anyway, to stop playing a game, the honesty I need to use is where I just put it out there. What I put out there is how I truly feel while I respect others may feel differently. I say, "You know, I feel sad (or happy, angry, afraid) about this."
Sounds simple, doesn't it? I'm such a game player I try to turn feelings into games, too, but I don't even notice it.
When I work the Steps, to the best of my ability at that time, call my sponsor, read the literature, pray and meditate, journal, etc. this helps me stop the lying half the time I don't even realize I'm doing because this is what I've done for so long it feels like second-nature, a part of me. Don't even notice it.
I guess the part of awakening is where I DO notice. I ask my Higher Power for help...and it arrives...and I actually can see it for what it is...a Power Greater than myself has done for me what I could never do for myself...set me free from the bondage of the Lie.
There is a book titled, "The People of the Lie" by Dr. M.Scott Peck. Fascinating. It's like that. Sincerely, Carol xoxox
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