Step 10

Step 10:  Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Well, yesterday morning I woke up at 4:50am and watched the sewing crafts show,  then the Bob Ross painting show, put the coffee on, found something to wear, left to go pick up my grandchildren to take them to school.  Neither one of them is a little child.  One is a senior and the other a junior in high school.  I live a bit out in the country and they are not too distant.  I get there about 10-15 minutes on a good day with little traffic.  I also went to pickup my daughter before I went to their house.  Her car's transmission is going out.

She was walking Stitch, put him in the apartment, then we left.  We waited at my son's house for my grandchildren.  And waited.  And waited.  My grandson was quick but my granddaughter, well, took about 20 minutes plus I still needed to get my daughter to her job in time for an important meeting, etc.

I felt angry, resentful, agitated, pissed-off, sleepy, tired, put-out, dissed, plus I hadn't eaten breakfast yet, etc.  To put it mildly...I was at a "bad" place, in a "bad" way.  I doubt I have ever talked so bluntly and foul-mouthed to them.  Ever.

Now, my children had the fun of growing-up hearing my potty-mouth, belligerent, verbally aggressive, emotionally abusive, mentally unstable, say-anything-that-crosses-my-mind-in-the-moment, etc. bullcrap.  Most of it directed at them, about them.  Never about me and MY insanity.  And not in public.  In the privacy of the car or our house.  What could they say??  Nothing because when I was ranting and raging I didn't want to hear, listen or care about a damn thing they had to say.  I was c-r-a-z-y and busy blaming them, the world, my mom, the past, or anything else I could think of.

So...when my granddaughter came out to the car, not even a "thank you for waiting" or expression of concern or consideration for the inconvenience, etc.  I was triple pissed-off.  I started spewing my stuff.

I told her, "I am an extreme personality.  I am selfish.  There are 2 things I absolutely hate:  I hate to wait and I hate to look for things.  Guess what?  You're supposed to be out here waiting for me at 7am.  Not me out here waiting for you.  When I'm here waiting and waiting it makes me think you don't care.  Like you're telling me, "F--- you.  I don't give a sh-- if you wait for me or not.  I don't care if you get up early in the morning, take time from your life, reschedule your world, etc."  Words to that effect.  Jeesh.

The only saving grace in this narration is I didn't cuss her out, didn't call her names, didn't threaten or put my hands on her...which I've never done.  Thank GOD.  I feel like crying right now as I type this.  I grieve speaking so callously.  Even though I know she probably has heard a heck of a lot worse in her life, I feel sad that I contribute any pain, discomfort to her.  She is a precious child of GOD, just like me.

Last night I cradled the telephone in my hand and I kept wanting to call her and extend an amends to her.  To tell her I regreted cussing and discharging so much energy in the morning and to ask her how could I make it up to her.  I wanted to call but it was so late, I still wanted to call, but no, I might wake them up, etc.  So I didn't make the call.

I went this morning to pick them up...no one came to the car.  I arrived at 7:01 am, waited close to 20 minutes then I left and came back home.  I got on my hands and knees then prayed to my Higher Power.  I put it all in GOD's hands.

A few minutes later I received these texts:

"Good morning, Carol.  Wanted to let u know 19 yrs DOES matter,  Very grateful for your daily blogs, it's like we are going through same motions."

"We do the best we can today.  It's progress...not perfection.  We have come a long way and I am so blessed to have you as one of my dear friends on my journey."

"Hope you have a blessed day sweetie.  We keep doing this deal."

More will be revealed.

In the book of "Alcoholics Anonymous", page 84, it says..."Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code."

Sincerely, Carol xoxox