Hitting Bottom in Sobriety

You know, I've hit bottoms in sobriety.  Notice "bottoms" is plural.  I thought once I quit drinking, everything would be hunky-dory, just right.  W-r-o-n-g.

There's a saying, "I thought I'd feel better....and I do...I feel sad better, I feel mad better, I feel fear better, etc."  Jeesh.  I mean, I r-e-a-l-l-y feel it.  Deep, down in my very heart and soul.  Crushingly real.  And my reaction is to *u*s*e*.

Stop the pain,  Numb the pain.  Run from the pain of whatever is bothering me.  Anything but f-e-e-l it.  It's like having the feeling itself is worse than whatever is causing the pain.

I went to the Big Book study workshop on Saturday and listened.  I met Myers and he didn't look at all like I thought he would.  So much for preconceived ideas.  I also asked him a question that my AA friend, Jean, had mentioned at the table I was sitting at.

Myers and his friend, Chris, had been on the 4th Step.  They had talked about working the resentments, then fears, then the sex inventories.  It was time for a break in the session.  They had also mentioned guilt, shame and remorse but didn't elaborate so Jean wondered about this because it sounded like there was column work for these, too.

During the break, I introduced myself to Myers and also asked him about how guilt, shame and remorse were addressed in the inventory columns.  After the break, Christ explained that essentially, as a natural part of the process of working the 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12 Steps the guilt, shame and remorse are resolved.  Oh.  Okay.

I seem to be one of the nuttier ones, I guess.  I have a RELATIONSHIP with guilt, shame and remorse.  I need to work the Steps on these relationships, just like the relationships with TRUST, LOVE, HOPE, GOD, PATIENCE, ETC.  Seems to me, I have a strong relationship with guilt, shame, and remorse to the point where they are not just feelings, they are entities, beings in my head.  More will be revealed.

I felt relieved to see a few of my AA friends at the workshop and I felt their companionship during this event.  This was actually a highlight of the experience for me was to see their beautiful faces right there alongside me in this adventure.  :)

Anyway, the biggest emotional, meaningful thread in the whole workshop that I strongly felt was I need to get down on my knees and pray to my Higher Power.  Period.  I usually don't do this.  I am either laying in bed, at my puter, or sitting at my chair THEN I pray.  I am willing to try getting down on my knees, humble.  Starting today.  Love, Carol xoxox