The Cycle

I love to watch old Bob Ross painting shows.  In his gentle, soft voice he said, "There are no mistakes."

I remember a time when I was a teenager living at The Home and I was having a huge pity party of one.  I lay back on my bed, cradled my head and fixated on all the wrongs in my world, past, and life yet to be.  I grieved, cried, sobbed silent tears of self-pity.  I anguished over all that had happened to me.  Why was I alive? Why was I even born?  What was the point?

For hours, a dark cloud of despair, frustration, anger, hopelessness engulfed me as I played the greatest role of MARTYRDOM, a heroine without a cause...and without an audience.  Thud.

I usually went on a downward spiral sometime around my monthly cycle.  Definitely hormonal influences there.  I can laugh about it now but then, it felt horrible.  I felt off-center, hyper-emotional, slightly unstable.  As soon as my period passed, I stabilized.  Felt ok.  Human again.  I learned to make allowances for that time of the month.  No heavy duty decisions, no shopping, and no spending money because I usually went overboard then regretted it.

Now as an older woman I no longer have the outward evidence of a monthly cycle and I feel a lot more stable, emotionally and mentally.  Not such a hormonal roller coaster ride.

I do notice however, there seem to be times of the year when my thoughts, emotions and reactions are exacerbated.  Mainly during the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and daylight savings time changes in the fall or spring.

When I am off-kilter, this is when I most need to do the 12 Steps.  My thought life is chaotic, emotions agitated, life isn't treating me like I think it should, etc.  This is when I can get a really good look at myself to see what's inside, what's really going on.  Kind of like stirring a pot of soup.  As the ladle moves around, the different ingredients swirl and show up so I can tell what's in there and what is missing. It might be compassion, mercy, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, love, faith, hope, charity, etc.

Then I get to let go and let GOD, to do for me what I never could do for myself...transform me to better serve my Higher Power and my Higher Power's children...GOD-willing.  Love, Carol xoxox