Get off or stay on the Carousel

I decided whenever I had children, all my children were going to have the same dad and no matter what they would have their dad, no other, like Leave It To Beaver had his mom and dad.

I decided I would never leave the father of my children, no matter what, for their sake, not break up the family unit.

As I write this, I am actually starting to sweat.  Strong feelings of anger are gathering in my body.  I'm starting to agitate, like a cat that swishes its tail.

After all the major bull**** I put myself through, I'm lucky to be alive...after all the hell my children went through because of my decision to stick it through, I'm lucky they even talk to me at all.  I am definitely crazy in this area because even though new data, new information kept presenting itself, deal breakers were happening left and right, no matter what, I stuck to the decision I made at a younger state of mind, a younger Carol made that decision and I never wanted to let my younger self down.  Because to fail meant I was a failure.  Terribly rigid erroneous thinking.  Unwillingness to change.  Dishonest to the core.  Because I kept lying over and over to myself and everybody else.

"It's not that bad.  Other people go through things and they stay together.  It'll stop one day.  It could be worse.  I'll teach him a lesson.  I'm stronger than him and his addictions.  I'm good people, good enough, better than anyone else he can get, he'll see it one day.  He is the father, like it's said, "Father knows best."  We will be as "one".  I hate the behavior, not him.  This time, it'll be different.  I'm sorry, so is he, we'll work it out someway.  That's IT.  This is the l-a-s-t time I'm  putting up with this.  I'll never do it again."

B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.  My self-esteem plummeted further and further down.  I put up with stuff that a normal person in their right mind would absolutely NOT put up with one minute.  Slowly but surely, day by day, my goose was cooked.  AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.  I stayed right there in the middle of the roasting pan, sweating it, thinking "it's not that bad, it'll get better".  Jeesh.  As it kept getting worse and worse.

Break-up.  Make-up.  And here we go again.  Over and over.  Slowly just getting worse and worse.  Now I know whenever I hear the words "This is IT." I'm in a game and I need to s-t-o-p it.  The only way I know to stop playing games is to be honest.  Period.  Otherwise, I'm choosing to "play the game" and the role I have a lot of experience in playing is "Victim/Loser".  The other 2 roles are "Judge/Persecutor" and "Rescuer/Savior".  My experience is I can move from role to role or I can stop it.  Get off the Carousel of Denial.

How to stop is the key.  By working the Steps.  To do this requires Honesty, Openmindedness, and Willingness.  Simple.  Hard as heck to do.  No one else can do it for me and I must stop waiting for somebody else to do it first.  Let it begin with me.  It's an inside job.

Dear Higher Power, as You Will.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox