Baby Steps to Flying

When first arriving to the rooms of the 12 Steps, my sponsor named Charity kept reminding me that I was a baby in recovery.  I certainly believed her because I was down on my knees which is what brought me to AA in the first place!  King Alcohol completely, irrevocably whipped my butt.  Down on my knees indeed.

I kept wanting to run, fly, know all the Steps, know-it-all, be all this and be all that.  I'd be hard on myself, expecting more and better.  Critical, judgmental, beating myself up for any and everything.  As if I had no right to make a mistake and then beat myself up for thinking this!  There is a part in the movie "Liar, Liar" where Jim Carey perfectly portrays this phenomena of self-castigation.  He violently throws himself against walls, jerking, slapping, ruffling his body here, there, everywhere then after a while finally staggers out of the restroom.  A man says something like, "Oh, my god, what happened to you!"  "I'm kicking my ass!", replies Jim.  Hilarious.  Yep.  It's like that.

The Steps are powerful medicine for what ails the Spirit.  So are the slogans.  "Easy Does It" saved me over and over.  Charity encouraged me to "Easy Does It", to not be so hard on myself.  As an alcoholic early in recovery, a "baby", it was important to stop sucking on a bottle, can or goblet of alcohol as the solution to all problems.

What qualifies me as an alcoholic is not how much alcohol I drink.  It is the EFFECT alcohol has on me.  It changes me.  Something biochemically happens.  It has something to do with the hardwiring in my brain.  I am abnormal in this respect because a normal person does not lightup like a pinball machine just thinking about taking a drink.  Normies report drinking almost feels boring to them.  Sometimes I wonder if they are honest about their experience but I must honor their truth the same way I want my truth honored.  Because the truth for me is alcohol transformed me.  I grew ten feet tall, stronger, braver, sexier, cuter, smarter, and so much more.  It became my best friend.  I cried into many a beer as it nursed me through whatever "tragedy" presented.  It seemed to do for me what nothing else did.  Eventually, somewhere along the way, I crossed an invisible line.  The line of no return.  In the same way a cucumber can be changed to a pickle but never changed back to a cucumber so it is with a social drinker who becomes alcoholic...never to return back, although will try everything to prove differently even at the cost of their life or someone else's. 


It seemed every thought led straight to getting high as better than anything else.  My relationship with alcohol reigned supreme.  No one and nothing else mattered. Anyway, instead of a friend, an ally, alcohol became my greatest enemy, King Alcohol.  I had to be beaten down to submit to a power greater than me to help conquer this cunning, powerful and baffling life-threatening enemy which headquartered in my brain's thoughtlife.  


That's how it was for me when first arriving to the 12 Steps.  I felt ready and willing to do anything to stop the hurting, the pain, the craziness.  I was beat down.  That's how I became available to be Honest, Open-minded and have the Willingness to pickup the simple spiritual tool kit laid at my feet.  The 12 Steps, the slogans, prayer & meditation, meetings, phone numbers of other member of the Fellowship, the literature, a sponsor, etc.  As long as I remember this, I'll be fine.
  

I remember being a baby in this program as I crawled, scooted on my butt, toddled, bumped into furniture and others, weeble-wobbled, then walked, hopped, skipped, ran.  Now, sometimes, it seems I "fly" effortlessly soaring, gliding on the love given by my Higher Power as I aspire to be the person I was meant to be, kind of like the song "The Wind Beneath My Wings".  Then I forget to spread my wings in surrender.  I hold them close to me and I thud hard to the ground.  I forget to stop relying on me, myself and I.  One more time.  What works is to STAY HIGHER POWERED.  Jeesh.