I can't, GOD can, I think I'll let GOD

Such a simple concept but for me, hard as hell to do because one more time...I can let go except I tend to let go with claw marks.  You know, there are drug rehab treatment centers that drug addicts, alcoholics, etc. can go to.  I suspect the places that untreated Alanons go to are mental health facilities!  Jeesh.

When I am in the disease it's as if I am responsible...I am the center of other people's worlds.  What would they do without me? Around me whirl all the things I have to do because no one else will help me or they won't get things done the way I think they should be done or all the reasons and excuses why I have to be the one to save the ship or I fixate on my martyrdom feelings of "after all I've done for them" and whatever other well-camouflaged thought I can create and generate to keep me #1 in their world. My selfishness and self-centered willfulness is at the core of this mess. And the sneaky fear that I'm not enough or not good enough, never have been and never will be.

I step in the game of "alcoholic" where the shifting roles of "victim", "prosecutor" and "rescuer" dominate.  The only way to not play is to be honest.  This is much harder to do than to say because I'm such a liar, or rather a more genteel description would be "a creative storyteller".  A lot of the times it's hard for me to distinguish what's real or not real.  Someone once said, "I can always tell I'm lying because my lips are moving".  What would  life be like if I no longer lived that way?  If I stopped playing and started LOVING LIFE AND LIVING IT FULLY?  How would it be different?

This is where the 12 Steps help me...identification with others who have suffered too with this illness and who know the way out by following simple guidelines, a pathway to recovery..  I have  paid my dues to belong to this illustrative society of the 12 STEPS now all I need to do is is suit up and show up...it works if I work it.