I'd been having a particularly hard time but I didn't even notice it. My control issues were exacerbated, I was dominance driven and I felt like I was fine just the way I was. The "I got it all together" was a thin veneer because just beneath the surface writhed a boiling mass of fear, fear, fear. Of what? Who knows? Take a pick...people, places, things, etc. Whatever caught my attention. That's where I'd fixate and scare myself.
We met at the bay and they backed up the boat down into the water, chugged it over to the side of the dock and up to this point I'd been fine. I saw Michael, Mike's son, get on the boat so I gingerly mimicked his steps and got in. It rocked a little but that wasn't too bad. I sat on my spot and promised myself not to move...ever. With everyone on-board we chugged out onto the waters of the bay.
First of all, let's be clear. I'm a landlubber and land lover. Second, the only times I've ever been on a boat were when Mr. Baker, our houseparent at WTCH, used to take us water skiing at a reservoir which was like a lake. So fast-forward, years later, here I am on a little tin boat (a 16 footer) which seemed to shrink even more when surrounded by the water of the bay. At this time I noticed some clouds far off in the distance, way, way, far away and I pointed them out to Sho and he shrugged, not a problem. Okay. Last thing I wanted was to be caught in a storm. Jeesh.
We cast our reels and after a bit I caught a fish. I tugged the line hard to yank the fish in. Sho yelled, "Watch out! You never know what's at the end of the line!" Sure enough. It was a stingray. Jeesh. I caught 3 of those and each one was big and bigger and biggest. At one point the boat got stuck where there were rocks and the depth of the water wasn't enough for the boat so Mike and Sho had to get out and rock it free. I felt relieved they didn't even bother to ask me to get my big butt out because that wasn't happening. I wasn't moving. I thought they were heroic to put their lives at such risk for us. All that water of the bay was intimidating. Around 1pm the line of clouds had bubbled up and blew closer. My fear and nervousness did, too. Maybe we need to go to shore Nah. "We're fine", they assured me.
The lap, lap, lap of the water against the boat became slap, slap, slap. The gentle cool sea breeze was no more for it was replaced by a chilly,.gusty, ruthlessly moist wind that promised rain. Let's go, let's go. As I looked back I saw Mike lift a can of beer to his lips and that really tripped me out! Oh my gosh. He was drinking while driving a boat and I was on that boat! Talk about fear. And we were buffeted by the storm. As the water swelled the squeal of the motor's propellers changed tone when the boat lifted up high. My nails clawed the side of the boat bench and I whispered, "Be still." to the water but it didn't work. I confirmed I had zero influence. I worked Steps 1, 2 and 3 and that helped me not panic or do something really stupid which is always a possibility. By the time we got to land and I weeble-wobbled off that boat I had to go to the restroom. I b-a-r-e-l-y made it before having to clean a big mess off myself.
I wanted to kiss the land. I was so grateful to live and make it back! I was cured for awhile of fear, controlling, dominating and acting as if I am responsible for everything and everybody else's problems. I just felt happy to be alive and free. Whenever Sho notices I'm stressed out he says, "Maybe it's time for boat therapy" and we laugh. Definitely worked! CYA...Change Your Attitude Now I don't need to get on a boat...I know what to do to change my mind and the direction it's headed in...pray, meditate, remember to breathe, work the Steps, pick up the phone to call my sponsor or a program friend, journal, read the literature, etc. Just do it.
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