The Inner Chaos

I had a co-worker ask me if I was in menopause because I reacted to a situation at work the other day.  Jeesh.  I didn't lose control, scream, holler, cuss, lash out, threaten to hurt, denigrate, degrade, bully, spew whatever entered my mind.  I do know how to do those things seeing as I am an expert at doing them from previous experience but I have never given myself the luxury of acting in this way at work.  

I expressed a difference of opinion.  I felt strongly about it and said so.  How dare I?  Who the hell am I to say how I really feel and think, especially if it isn't what the majority feels and thinks?  There must be something wrong with me.  Hilarious.  By the end of the discussion, believe me, I felt provoked and antagonized but I recognized my strings were being pulled so I disengaged.  I referred the situation to my boss, await to hear his perspective and decision then I'll support it.  He has the vision and responsibility to decide what direction we need to steer as a team.  I'll do everything I can, GOD-willing, to help. 


The 12 Steps empower me to stay steady on the path to my Higher Power which I need because one of the things I notice internally is the multitude of feelings that arise as a consequence in speaking my perspective.  The peer pressure is incredibly powerful.  It's as if I have displeased the "gods" and therefore must be banished after the royal ass thrashing I'm due for not bowing down, not acquiescing to their point of view.  The biggest fear that wells up is the fear  that I don't have THE RIGHT TO HAVE MY OWN POINT OF VIEW AND IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHAT IT IS ANYWAY.  THEY WIN.  I LOSE.


This has nothing to do with them.  Who's thinking all this?  Who's feeling it?  Who's saying it?  It's all about who?  Me, me, me.  This is the core of my illness.  Self-centered, self-will run riot, in my head.  However, my head loses its way if not connected to the Higher Power.  It also s-w-e-l-l-s and becomes the Big Head.  Spinning, spinning, spinning.  Thoughts whirling around and around creating a vortex of painful negativity, doubt, fear, despair, abandonment, neglect, terror, rejection, etc.  Its tornadic volume rises and falls with each thought casting debris throughout its path of destruction. And I haven't even gotten out of bed yet.  Jeesh.


The 12 Steps are necessary for my happiness because they act like anti-inflammatory medication for The Big Head.  The swelling eases.  It ceases to intrude, block, jar the doorway to the highway of my Higher Power which leads to Serenity, Peace of Mind and Happiness.  


Yes, yes, this all sounds corny, but what the heck.  It works for me.

Morning Prayer

Dear Lord,

So far I've done all right.

I haven't gossipped,

haven't lost my temper,

haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent.

I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God,

I'm going to get out of bed.

And from then on,

I'm going to need a lot more help.