When I was a little girl we got our first console TV. We were so excited. It was a black and white TV which means the picture had no color but we didn't care. It was big, encased in wood and had center spot in the living room. We huddled together in front of the TV and were admonished, "move back, don't sit too close you'll go blind! It has radiation that's bad for you" and we looked at each other, shrugged and when not supervised, we scooted closer. When dad was home he loved to watch the Dallas Cowboys football game. He was treated as if he was a British Royal. He had the best seat in the house and he ruled...as long as he was in good favor with my mom all was well in the kingdom. Otherwise there was mayhem. Screaming, cursing, hysterical aggressive verbal threats, hate spewed from my mom's megaphone mouth and it was scary to behold because she was only 4'11" and probably weighed about 85 lbs. wet while he was over 6' tall and more than 250 lbs. It was always questionable who was going to kill or be killed. He was like a gentle, predictable, singing giant and she more like a spit-fire unstable, overwhelmed, explosive TNT. He'd try to calm her but she'd have nothing to do with it so he'd leave...and then her venom spewed our way...jeesh.
Having a TV caused problems because it showed things I never realized existed. It fed my imagination. I had always suspected other people in the hood were like my family. We acted one way at home and another one in public for the most part. This is how I interpreted family behavior. Well, let me tell you, TV flipped my worldview! "Leave it to Beaver", "The Flintstones", "Lassie", etc. catapulted my perspective in a big way. Books had already ignited my imagination as I climbed the harsh, snowbound Alps to hear the yodeling in Heidi's world, or wandered in the green meadows to meet Winnie the Pooh with his honeypot, Piglet, Eeyore or Tigger, and ran around with Dick, Jane, Sally and Spot. I loved reading "The Little Bear" which filled my heart with such warm, fuzzy feelings of love and safety as Mama Bear cared for and protected Little Bear. There was something about the smells from the pages of the books and the tactile power of flipping a page whenever I was ready to go forward or go back to re-read whatever I wanted, such power at my fingertips. I blossomed when I read. TV sealed the deal.
ANYTHING and
ANYBODY else was better than what I lived and I longed to be "them" instead of me.
I'm not sure exactly when my world became black and white with its grey tones to give variety but I do know when it became colorful again. In vivid living color. My life's palettes changed when I stopped "using" people, places and things. Instead I started using a few simple guidelines called the 12 Steps. My emotional palette used to only have sad, scared and mad. My mental palette fear, anxiety and despair. Now I experience a full range of thoughts and emotions, a rainbow sparkling of potentialities available to pick from. It doesn't mean I never have negative thoughts or feelings...it means I don't have to stay in black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, either or...there is so much more. Today I get to choose. That's what is different..today I get to color me blue or any other color I want. It's my choice and my concept of a Higher Power I choose to call "GOD" (aka The Juice of The Universe) is the Source of Power which sustains my stamina to continue this freedom to choose one day at a time. When I choose to do my Higher Power's Will paradoxically I am free from the Bondage of Self, my selfish driven, ego-centric, shrunken worldview of me, me, me. Instead the world expands and the question becomes, "Who's large and in charge?" Then I relax, enjoy and participate in the rainbow of freedom and love so freely given in the Sunlight of the Spirit.
Anyway, I wrote this song a long time ago in an attempt to musically describe my efforts to overcome a spiritual malady which so many suffer with. I hope you can sit still long enough to hear what I wanted to say...
Color Me Blue...the amazing talented guitarist is Marty Christian He is a true gift from the Universe and I'm glad I said "yes" to his kind, supportive, empowering friendship. His website is at
http://www.martychristian.com where you can meet him and listen to his music. Tell Marty I sent ya! He has no idea I even have a blog...jeesh, I'm slow getting around to these things.
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