The ever elusive "psychic change"

Why is it so hard for me to work the Steps?  Even when it hurts so much not to?  

The hard part is NOBODY is doing anything to me.  I am doing this to me. And I can't see the truth of this no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard people point it out to me.  I just can't see it.

Because in my mind, it's all their fault.  I'm not doing anything at all.  I am perfectly innocent.  A perfectly innocent victim.  See what they do to me?  It's all their fault.  I wasn't doing a damn thing to contribute to the problem.  I was just being nice and hoping they would be nice, too.  So I volunteered. 

Because in my mind, I make-up stories about how things are going to work-out or not work-out.  I want what I want.  So I write scripts and give others the roles I expect them to play so I can get what I want.  Sometimes I camouflage all these efforts and act like I do this all for them.  I get in the Director's chair...again.  One more time.  Only to find out, again and again, it doesn't work.

But I just don't see it for what it is.

Because I can't.

Denial is very strong.  Do I drink over it?  Or eat?  Or rage?  Or pity-party?  Not at first.  Because all I can do is THINK about it.  Or another word...fixate, obsess about it.

In the Doctor's Opinion, there is a part where it talks about..."once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules. "  Except for alcohol, I substitute this word with "control", "food", "sex", "martyrdom", "rage", or whatever else is presenting a challenge.

It's said, "I know where my best thinking took me.  It brought me to these rooms."  This illness resides in the mind.  I'm skewed in this area.  I cannot rely on the same mind that brought me into the quicksand to be the same mind to rescue me.

I need the Higher Power to do for me what I cannot do for myself.

That's why all I need to do is "follow a few simple rules" or Steps.

But, nooooooooo.I must first experience countless vain attempts to find an easier, softer way of relying on myself, my mind, my problem-solving self-centered will.   I must, over and over, try to control it.  Until it hurts so much.  The grip of restlessness, irritation and discontent of the illness is so strong that I just don't want to do it anymore.  Until the result is nil.  Then and only then will I be willing to let go, absolutely. 

That last Royal ass-whipping.  The one that hurts so bad, I'm willing to do whatever I got to do to avoid hurting like that again.  

G.ift 
O.f 
D.esperation

I get desperate enough...I will do the work...and then the psychic change will occur.   "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps..."  Sincerely, Carol xoxox