The Emotional Weather Vane

I baked a chocolate cake Saturday morning, went to my meetings, met with Al-Anon sponsor, plus had an impromptu AA meeting with an elderly woman who showed-up looking for a meeting.

In AA we're taught to say "yes" when asked to be of service...in Al-Anon, it seems to me, we're taught to say "no', that "no" is a complete sentence but my sponsor explained it's more about discernment, to consider a balanced point of view. Well, there you go...more will be revealed.

Anyway, that night I took the birthday cake to the party and truly enjoyed myself. There were very talented musicians in the house (of course, this is Austin, Texas where it seems there's at least 2 musicians in every bush! LOL). They played classical guitar and violin, then another musician had a very peculiar shaped guitar and she sang soprano, then next thing you know we were all in a sing-a-long, harmonizing, blending our voices...beautiful.

Finally I arrived back home in time to feed Elvis and Stitch. We relaxed and rested while Sho whooped and hollered at the UT football game. I played my guitar, sang a couple songs and went to sleep. All was well with my soul...

Then Sunday came and went. I dropped-off Stitch at his home then went to Al-Anon and there was a bit of ruckus after the meeting but it did calm down later on. Principles before personalities indeed.

Who am I to judge anyone? There, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

I will say this...my sponsor was very clear with me...definitely, Al-Anonism is very presenting. To keep the focus on me, mmob (mind my own business), turn-up the self-care...jeesh. So it is.

Click here for Daily Reflections
P.S. I did talk with my boss yesterday re: job search. I put this in my Higher Power's Hands.

Hope for Today, "...I was like a weather vane that spun around according to the air currents that other people generated...husband criticized me...I lost my serenity...boss became upset...lost my sernity...I attributed these mood swings to nervousness, lack of self-assurance, and whoever else occupied the room at that time...Serenity always seemed beyond my control...was convinced I needed quietness to feel serene, so I retreated...today I don't need to withdraw to quiet places nearly as often...don't need to run away from life...can even stand in the middle of a frenzied atmosphere and let it swirl around me, while I remain unaffected...can tell myself to hush when my mind enters the muddy waters of "what if"...can sit still to the present moment and feel grateful...In my gratitude I experience serenity that I never knew before...comes from trusting that everything in my life is exactly as it should be...feel it when I apply a slogan rather than panic about something...when I choose to care for myself rather than to fix someone else...surrounds me when I seek GOD's will in prayer and meditation...envelopes me whenever I walk into an Al-Anon meeting, see the familiar faces of those who accompany me on my journey, and I know, once again, I am not alone..."Today I know that sanity and serenity are the gifts I have received for my efforts and my faith."---Courage to Change p. 248

ODAT, "Listen and Learn"...cultivate the knack of listening---uncritically---to everything we hear at a meeting or from an Al-Anon friend..."It is the privilege of wisdom to listen."-O.W. Holmes

Courage to Change, "You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love GOD and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art."---Francis de Sales

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, Great Spirit, thank YOU for this awesome journey and the multiple opportunities provided to practice loving YOU. O Lord, thank YOU for the bounteous beauty of each unfolding moment. Lord, YOU are The Source, The Greatest of All. Please help me be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU will. Love, Carol xoxox

A volunteer or a victim and 2 doors

Well, the family disease is doing fine and well. My granddaughter is in a pscyhiatric facility because she's threatened suicide. Plus,she doesn't want me to visit her. She told her mother that I don't love her like her older brother (who recently went to the Army). When she was asked by her father why she felt like killing herself, she said because they didn't love her like they loved her younger sisters, they did more for them. Jeesh. The nut doesn't fall far from the tree. I can totally relate to her. I put her and the rest of the family in God's Hands.

NOBODY's ever loved me the way I wanted them to love me. I'm not sure anyone possibly could. Not even sure it's humanly possible! LOL No matter what they say, or how they say it, or what they do or not do. One more time...it's an inside job. I KNOW this, I have the data, the information in my brain...but...it has to travel all the way to my heart...instead of outer space...inner space.

I went to an Al-Anon meeting last night and it was about self-esteem. The chairperson defined she only wanted people sitting in the inner circle to share and if there was time, people sitting outside the inner circle could speak. I hardly ever sit in the inner circle, mainly because I like to put my purse on the table instead of the floor, take notes, sometimes knit, etc.

At first, I felt angry. I thought and feared she had "control issues", was excluding me, was this and that. Then I felt relieved. I could just listen to hear what was said. Then I felt relaxed and went with the flow. Nice. Let Go and Let GOD, baby...yep. It works when I work it.

Day by Day, November 6, "We must never too narrowly define our work. Book-thumpers, hardnosers, do-it-on-your-own-timers...all of us contribute. And those who need our particular brand of help will be brought to us by GOD. Am I receptive to new and different ways?"

November 7, "Many...character defects stem from social acceptance motives...we don't need or have to "people please", only "GOD-please"...Knowing this, many defects no longer exist. Do I know it is not necessary to please everybody all the time?"

Click here to read beautiful Daily Reflections ...

ODAT, "GOD is present in all His creatures, but all are not equally aware of His presence."

Courage to Change, "If one person gets well, the whole family situation improves."

Hope for Today, November 6, "With those I do trust, I can be more flexible. If I allow my boundaries to be violated repeatedly, I am a volunteer rather than a victim. It's my responsibility to stick with people who are affirming and trustworthy and to limit my exposure to those who are not.

November 7, "I had a habit of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...was given an exercise to practice.
"When someone says something to me and I have a strong reaction---wanting to cry, wanting to rage, or thinking I am inferior---I stop and visualize 2 doors. One is marked "Same old, same old" or "My will". The other is marked "New and different" or "God's Will"...imagine opening mine and viewing what I would normally say or do...close my door and open God's.
"By the time I have done this, I've given myself several moments between the initial comment and my impulsive reaction...gives me time to practice the slogan "Think" and to choose a healthier response...to practice this self-restraint. Ironically, most times what's behind God's door is absolutely nothing...possibly mean that other people's behavior belongs to them and I don't have to make it mine by reacting to it?
"Practicing detachment before I react allows me to maintain self-esteem by choosing my response."

Dear Sweet Lord, thank YOU for the bountiful blessings YOU bestow upon us all. Thank YOU for the smiles, the joy, this moment to breathe in YOUR love, grace and compassion. Lord, please help me be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

The Job Search begins...GOD-willing

So now I'm beginning to look around for a different job because the targeted shelter population will be changing and the truth is, I'm changing. While aging, I see more and more limitations presenting. Externally, of course, but internally even more. I no longer want to be the "stand-in" if someone gets sick and can't make it in, or be the one who has to make sure this or that gets attention, or on and on. The fluidity of working at the shelter is necessary to keep it stable. The human dynamics require flexability, flux, and a bit of structure but not too much, etc.

Truth is, I've loved working there. It almost feels like an artform instead of just a job. The beauty of interacting on a daily basis with humanity on a soulful level is very humbling. The problem is the salary, opportunity for career advancement and skills development are pretty limited.

Another truth is, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I'm hoping I have another good 10 years of workability and it's important to increase the salary to further prepare for retirement. I turn this over to my Higher Power.

I plan to inform my boss today of these intentions and will begin submitting applications to possibilities that present. Start making the moves...GOD-willing, in the process of job searching.

Courage to Change, "Today, instead of aiming only for the results, I will consider taking actions because they seem to be the right actions for me."

Hope for Today, "How could anyone possibly like or love me? I certainly didn't...At first all I saw were my defects...encouraged me to seek out my assets as well...that I embrace my defects and my assets and celebrate them all as part of who I am...let my Hgher Power decide which ones I needed to keep...you can't love someone until you first care about yourself."

ODAT, "...learned the importance of Humility in coping with life's problems...the most important thing...was the way we help each other through love and mutual concern for each other's problems...the most important way to get that help was to listen to what is said, and not how it is said..."There are, it may be, so many kinds of voices in the world, and none of them is without significance."---1st Corinthians 14:10...would find answers from uncritical listening..."

 Click here for Daily Reflections reading for today...

Day by Day, "We deserve beautiful things and need not continue disparaging and punishing ourselves for our past behavior...They have a right to the joy of giving and we have a right to the joy of receiving. We also have a right to the joy of giving so others may receive. We can give material things...moral support...a friendly ear...best of all, we can give love....Have I learned to give?"

Dear Sweet Merciful Lord GOD Creator of it ALL, thank YOU for this day YOU give us freely. Thank YOU for the gifts of the Spirit, the fruits of YOUR labor of Love. How truly awesomely mighty YOU are. Lord, show the way YOU want me to go. Shine YOUR Light on the path. Only YOU truly know what it is YOU want from me. I surrender all, Lord. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Healing and Digging Deep Down to Heal

Well, I'm starting to think I wasn't so inconsequential after all. Maybe, just maybe, he really did love me at one time and it wasn't just me who loved him. I am willing to accept this love was never meant to be, never. Finally, I can let go. I truly am sorry for any hurt I caused him and if I ever had the chance it would be to express my deep remorse for ever hurting him in any way. It was never his fault. Also,I can stop hurting me about this now. I will put this in my GOD box. Let Go and Let GOD. Live and Let Live. One Day at a Time.

Daily Reflections

ODAT, "...dig down deep to see what we really feel would bring us contentment...dig still deeper for the real cause. Is it envy of others? Is it our inability to enjoy fully what we do have? Do we, in defense of our own shortcomings, look for excuses to blame others? I can find serenity only by rooting out my discontent...must acknowledge to myself the real reasons why I react the way I do. Am I doing my share?...my dissatisfaction may be due to unrecognized guilt. Is it difficult for me to feel and express appreciation?...will try to develop a sense of gratitude...Do I expect others to behave according to my expectations?...will live and let live..."It all adds up to this: that we're not satisfied with ourselves, and we can certainly do something about that."

Hope for Today, "Healing is a process that will continue the rest of my life. I know how unhealthy I've been, yet I also know that my recovery has begun. My participation in everyday, ordinary life is a small but firm step away from the pain of isolation and toward a life of loving involvement."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for it all. Thank YOU for the privilege to Live Life. Thank YOU for the breath of Life. Thank YOU for the song of morning birds and unfolding flowers still wet with dew, thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow upon us all. YOU, Lord, are The Source, The Power, The Light, The Great Spirit. YOUR Love is above all and covers all our mistakes. YOU are the Highest Vibration and transcend above it all. Thank YOU again and again. Lord, please, if it be YOUR Will, grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and the willingness to accept YOUR Will and to do it. As YOU Will. Love, Carol

Adjusting the Path

It's been f-u-n. I went to English Al-Anon, then Spanish Al-Anon, then an AA Big Book study, then to Innergroup's Bar-b-que Luncheon then I visited my sister, I went home, rested a bit, later went out to eat dinner with some AA ladies, went to Birthday Night celebrations and finally made it back home about 9:30pm. Wow. It was a lot of fun. Peaceful. Enjoyable. Thank YOU, GOD.

Hope for Today, p.308, "...taught me that I was right to think I can't control all of those outside forces...taught me that manipulating people and events to my liking is not the path to serenity. Serenity is a matter of inner stability. If I keep the focus on myself and let my Higher Power take care of the rest, everything seems to work out for the best....gives me the tools to keep myself on course, so I can maintain my serenity no matter what winds are blowing or which waves are washing over me...internal inspections remind me of my destination---serenity and a spiritual awakening---and allow me to adjust my path as needed...a wonderful feeling to take care of myself lovingly and no longer to fear the turbulence that sometimes still swirls around me."

ODAT, p.308, "..."Detach from the problem, but not from the person."...it never means disinterest...is to keep myself from being drawn into crises of the alcoholic's making. If I do not interfere, he will be compelled to find his own way out of his difficulties..."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOU are The Source, The One, The Solution to ALL my problems. Thank YOU for it all. Love, Carol xoxox

Racehorse Thoughts...Stop, Breathe, Let go

Well, so much has been going on, it's hard for me to figure out where to start. The other night I was reading YAHOO.com's blurps and there was a bit of information regarding how the Universe is accelerating, blah blah. That's all it took.

My thoughts took off like a racehorse at the gate...off I went...on my Magic Carpet Ride (a phrase a friend of mine uses). Intergalactic speculations on the possible demise of the Earth and its inhabitants, etc.

Talk about fear, terror and despair! Paranoia. Jeesh.

Finally I was able to rein-in my thoughts with the question, "How did I feel before I started thinking about this?"...I felt pretty good, at peace...So...If I could feel at peace without thinking about this material, EVEN IF IT MIGHT BE TRUE, I am powerless to make the Universe change its speed...this is GOD's business, not mine...I can change my thoughts about this. I can change my attitude, whether it's happening or not....b-r-e-a-t-h-e...

And I stopped fixating, obsessing about this. Immediately I was calm, at peace. I went to sleep.

To be awakened by the clashing, thundering sounds of a major violent storm. The howling winds, the house trembling as it shook with the sounds of heavy-thudding bangs of lightening clashing on the landscape outside, all intermingled with an onslaught of steady buckets of rain downpouring...the lights went out...and I remembered the intergalactic traumatic thoughts I'd had earlier so was able to put this storm on the list of things I cannot control, thst I'm powerless over. I might die. I didn't know. That was GOD's business. My business was to Let Go and Let GOD, and do the next right thing...GOD-willing...b-r-e-a-t-h-e...This, too, shall pass...and it did.

Discovering Choices, p.175, "...remember that I can do for one day what I couldn't imagine doing for the rest of my life...When my mind does stray, I need a ready tool to bring me back so I can center myself. The easiest tool for me to use is to pause for a moment and become aware of my breathing. I breathe in and breathe out in a slow, steady, continuous breath. As I breathe, I say to myself, "As I breathe in, I breathe in peace and serenity. As I breathe out, I release all tension and fear." I repeat this exercise several times intil I become calm."

Dear Sweet Merciful, Compassionate Creator, thank YOU for the truly remarkable opportunities to be of service to YOU and my spiritual sisters and brothers. Thank YOU for the privilege to live Life. To brethe in YOUR profound blessings of Life, Love and Happiness. May we do YOUR Will, Lord. As YOU will. Love, Carol xoxox

Yes.

Well, today is my son's bithday. He is my 2nd born child and I put him up for adoption to a woman who wanted a child so badly she ached and grieved. There was no doubt in my mind that he would be loved and cared for. I don't know if he will ever know this because I promised her I wouldn't be interfering, changing my mind, etc. I've honored this for 36 years.

It's been hard though. How many times did I put an extra plate on the table or repeat counting heads because I kept thinking I had one more child to feed or take care of? I guess it's just built in the DNA.

Anyway, I lit a candle this morning in thoughts of him. I wish him the very best. May he and his loved ones glow in health, vitality, joy and love.

Today's readings were amazing, as usual...

Discovering Choices, p.172, "...worry is an over-exaggerated sense of my own responsibility...My worrying about it wouldn't make one bit of difference one way or another to him, but it had the potential to paralyze me...learned a new way of acting in life---rather than reacting...I am not God in anyone else's life...Working my own program helps me to accept our many differences."

Hope for Today, p.304, "Trusting, then acting on that trust, was how I could turn my belief into something tangible...I knew my Higher Power was no longer just an idea...Step 2 invites me to develop my trust."

Courage to Change, p.304, "...I too needed to hit a kind of bottom, feel the pain, and reach out for help before I could find any lasting happiness...learned that gratitude and forgiveness are necessary to my peace of mind...Sometimes a tiny action can be a great step toward seeing my life with increasing joy."

ODAT, p.304, "...I learn from examining my own ideas and clarifying them. Many a solution to a difficulty of my own has come to me while I was helping someone else." "Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself?"-Romans

Day by Day, "During our confused times, we must take our bodies to meetings and our heads will follow."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator of it all, thank YOU for the honor and privilege to be here today. Please help me, Lord, to be of service to YOUR Will. As YOU wish. Love, Carol xoxox

Life Lessons

Well, this morning's reading strengthen and remind me to stay focused on recovery. Practice, practice, practice. LOL

Day by Day, "...important to start noticing what we are thinking and what we really believe."

Daily Reflections

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, "...the new member...understandably upset, distraught, and perhaps desperate. Just as ours did in the beginning...trials seem too great for a human being to endure...not yet aware...may be making it worse by complaining, weeping, and trying to outwit the alcoholic...learn not to do...may even distorted by hysteria---this is natural, too...should warn us not to make sweeping judgment on anyone else's problem or suggest making any decisions for her...can offer comfort and hope and the healing therapy of the...program."

Courage to Change, "The most loving form of detachment...forgiveness...think of forgiveness as a scissors. I use it to cut the strings of resentment that bind me to a problem or a past hurt. By releasing resentment, I set myself free...If there is action to take, I am free to take it...Where I am powerless to change the situation, I will turn it over to my Higher Power. By truly letting go, I detach and forgive. When my thoughts are full of bitterness, fear, self-pity, and dreams of revenge, there is little room for love or for the quiet voice of guidance within me...willing to love myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back, and then I can let them go."

Discovering Choices, pgs 141-2, "...beneath my resentment lies a fear of being abandoned and a deep fear of being alone...As I headed down to the river, the guide gave me several tips to keep in mind while I was out there.
1. There is only one river. I can't veer off and end up somewhere else. I may go down a wrong channel, but eventually I'll hit a dead end and then have to turn back and go back to the main river and continue where I left off. If I go with the current of the river, I'll be okay.
2. I'm going to feel lost. Everyone does.
3. If I tip over, just stand up. The average depth is three-to-four feet.
...I was exactly where I was supposed to be at exactly the right time. Another life lesson."

Dear Higher Power of my understanding, thank YOU for this amazing journey called Life. Thank YOU for YOUR constant Love, Support, Compassion and Understanding Guidance YOU provide us all. Please grant me the serenity, knowledge, and courage to know YOUR Will and the willingness to Accept and To Do It. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

A Full-time Job

There are those of us who NEED the 12 Steps, Traditions, fellowships, etc. Then there are those of us who can get by without. I am in the first party. LOL

No doubt here. It feels good to know. Liberating. Freedom at last. That space Victor Frankl talked about. It really is an inside job. No one else can do it for me. No matter how rich, cute, smart, strong, powerful, important, glorious, etc. Nor how much they love me, want me, etc. It is an inside job.

And it is a "job" for me. Full time. 24-7. For the rest of my life. Until I die on this earth-plane. So it is for me. That is my truth.

How hard is it? Depends on how hard I make it.

How do I make it hard? By depending on my best thinking, on me, me, me.

How do I make it easier? By following a few simple guidelines called the 12 Steps.

Day by Day, "People have to work to earn a living---we have to work our program to live. A job is a form of support, and our fellowship is also a form of support."

Hope for Today, "No matter how different we feel, we're all very similar. No matter how similar we seem, we're all very different....Making myself available to help and be helped by a wide range of people is key to my recovery."

Courage to Change, "When I stopped trying to analyze and explain everything and started living the principles, actually using them in my everyday situations, the...program suddenly made sense---and I started to change. Does analyzing my situation provide any useful insights, or is it an attempt to control the uncontrollable? Am I taking inventory or avoiding work that needs to be done by keeping my mind occupied? I have heard that knowledge is power. But sometimes thirst for knowledge can be an attempt to exercise power where I am powerless. Instead, I can take the First Step. A quote by Soren Kierkegaard, "Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards."

Discovering Choices, pgs. 133-5, "...begin to have a better sense of what is healthy. We learn to separate principles from personalities. Instead of reacting in a negative way to a personality, we come to understand how to apply a principle that can help make a relationship more positive....communication...was often a roadblock or a one-way street. People talked without anyone listening, or no one talked at all. Not much understanding passed between anyone...learned to listen attentively and to speak honestly and openly...learned how to detach from the drama...found a way to let go of things that they can't control...learned to make gratitude a part of their lives...learned to live happy, healthy lives...become willing to believe that our relationships can heal...members in service are putting in practice what they learned...become living examples to newer members, inspiring them to learn, just as we are now learning. But we only need focus on what we can do to improve our lives today...Whatever we choose to do, we can be confident that there is good reason to hope. That's the lesson we can learn from the positive example of so many others..."

Dear Lord Creator of All, thank YOU for the abundance of YOUR Love and may YOUR Truth, Compassion, Mercy and Grace light our pathway to YOU. Thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU bestow on us all to connect and stay connected to the lifeline of YOUR Love. YOU are The Source, The Essence, The Glory of us all. Lord, please grant the knowledge of Your Will and the courage, strength and willingness to accept and to do it. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Win by Surrendering and Accepting---an inside job

Win by surrendering and accepting. What a concept. Easy to say and hard as hell to do for someone like me. It seems I was born to fight. Fight this and fight that. Plant my banner on every hill in sight. I stand for this. I stand against that. I stand for that and against this. Flipping and flopping all over the place. The Battlefield of BS. Fighting a battle that isn't even mine to fight. The hardest thing for me to do is to relinquish the Will to Win, at all costs. And even harder than the hardest thing for me to do is to pause, relax, submit, turn it all over to my Higher Power and ask for help, guidance and support to do my Higher Power's Will, not mine or any other human's. Jeesh.

If it ain't hard, give me a minute. LOL

Win by surrendering, indeed.

Day by Day, "The physical part of our addiction is not the main factor of our lllness. Many of us have had allergies to things like milk, but we don't have to join Milk Drinkers Anonymous because we couldn't stop...the major contributing factor is spiritual deterioration, the emphasis in recovery should be on the spiritual."

Daily Reflections, "If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also"-12 and 12, p.90 "Suddenly I saw that I could do something about my anger, I could fix me, instead of trying to fix them...When I am angry, my anger is always self-centered."

One Day at a Time in Alanon (also called ODAT), "Without faith in a power greater than myself, I am like a storm-tossed ship without a rudder. I am flung from one trouble to another; however bravely I may battle the elements, my own strength and wisdom are not enough." 2nd Corinthians-"For we walk by faith, not by sight..."

Hope for Today, "...usually when I'm feeling insane, I'm forgetting my powerlessness and trying to control outcomes or other people...---in other words, when I try to get my way...the inevitable result is pain, frustration, and utter failure...accept my powerlessness and surrender to my Higher Power's will, however, I gain some measure of serenity and humility. I become spiritually teachable.---The pain is not in the surrender and acceptance. It's in the resistence...can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my Higher Power's care."

Courage to Change, "Sometimes the only way I can determine what to accept or what to change is by trial and error. Mistakes can be opportunities to gain the wisdom to know the difference.---A quote from ODAT, 'If a crisis arises, or any problem baffles me, I hold it up to the light of the Serenity Prayer and extract its sting before it can hurt me.'"

Discovering Choices, pgs 127-8, "I found myself reacting with old behaviors...disappointed with how I handled things and feeling judgmental toward myself, I called my sponsor...informed me that I could still practice detachment with love; only perhaps the love I would infuse into the equation could be love for myself. In time, with willingness and the help of the Higher Power, that initial expression of love could shift and grow...important thing, she told me, was that there be love and detachment involved in my own experience of the situation---my Higher Power could take it from there...Detachment with love gave me the space I needed to connect with my Higher Power and to remember my own intrinsic worth, regardless of what family members still suffering...may say."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator Great Spirit of All, thank YOU for all YOU do to care for us. Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower, the gifts and miracles evidenced every day of YOUR Love for us all. Please, Lord, help me to be of service to YOU and my family of spiritual sisters and brothers. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

I am my friend...

I have a friend I so-want to talk to her and tell her to stop! Stop ranting and raving, stop falling for the BS, stop, stop, stop...I even told my boss about this and he asked me, "Do you want to do this for you or for her?" I answered, "For me. Because if I was in this situation I would want someone to reach out and help me." That was yesterday, this is today.

Now I realize...I am my friend. Hmmm...

Early this morning, Elvis woke me up because he needed to go outside and I couldn't go back to sleep so I listened to Salvador talk about Step 3 while I crocheted on one of my shirts. How many times have I listened to this tape, heard the material he speaks about? This time I really heard him loud and clear...am I a good sister, mother, aunt, employee, citizen, neighbor, partner, etc. Not do I "do" good...do I "be"?

Day by Day, "Lord, help me to know that it's not my location that makes the difference in my life---it's what I'm working with inside."

Hope for Today, "...change need not be so scary. If I don't at least make an effort, I may never know how much I can accomplish....My Higher Power may be inviting me to walk further down my spiritual path by giving me a desire to change. Today I take a risk, understanding that GOD loves and guides me through the process. "...GOD's Will will never take me where His Love cannot protect me."

Courage to Change, "we are all as unique as our fingerprints, but as our fingers join in closing prayer, each of us is part of a circle of hope that is greater than any of our individual differences..."For the body is one and has many members, but all the members of that one body, being many, are one body."-the Bible

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, "Let me weigh my misdeeds on an honest scale and make restitution as well as I can. But let not the scale be unbalanced by the weight of what others have done."

Discovering Choices, p.118-120, "I used to think I had a sticker on my forehead that read, "Let me fix you."...learned a great deal about the diease of alcoholism and how it can destroy the grace and decencies of life...learned that people who have been affected by someone else's drinking are sometimes sicker than the drinker. I tried to fix my loved ones by arguing, threatening, jumping on moving vehicles, hiding keys, staging crime scenes, and anything else I could think of to convince them to stop drinking...learned I had a controlling nature and that my illogical belief that I could fix everything could also destroy a relationship---even when no drinking was involved...learned that drinkers don't drink because of me; they drink because they're alcoholics. Nothing I could say or do could cause them to drink or to stop drinking...learned that the only control I had was over me and my reactions...learned not to start a crisis on purpose to be able to have my own way, and how to stay peaceful in the middle of heated discussions...learned that there is more than one right way to do things and that my other half may be right too."

Dear Lord Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the wonder and beauty of it all. Thank YOU for each breath we take on this earth plane. Thank YOU for loving us all so much and caring for us. We need YOU, Lord, every step of the way. May we be of service to YOUR Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Fitting in the Puzzle

To say I feel deeply humble this morning is an understatement. I'm flummoxed. A good place to be. There is only one way to go at this point. Hand it all over to my Higher Power. I know what to do...now I just got to get off my "Easy Does It" ass and do it.

Discovering Choices, p.118, "In alcoholic families there are rigid rules to follow: don't notice, don't talk, don't feel, and don't trust---other people or my own perceptions. Those rules required that I keep secret from myself and everyone else, the truth of how this disease affected and disabled me. I am now disobeying those rules...I have learned to trust. I can be vulnerable, emotionally safe, and available...I now have acceptance and love for myself as I am. I can accept and love others by listening, being compassionate, and welcoming them...Only through sharing my story as it changes and evolves, and listening to others' stories, am I able to leave isolation and actually be one among mmy fellows."


Hope for Today, p.277, "I never felt like I "fit" in...Instead of forcing myself to fit, I forced those around me. I tried to manipulate and control everybody in my life to change the shape of their personalities to suit mine...The program taught me there's nothing wrong with the way I'm shaped mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. There's nothing wrong with other people's shapes either. Then I learned that the only piece I can change is my own. I have choices now. Instead of spending time with people and situations where I don't fit, I can look for the ones where I do. Regarding the puzzle of my family, I can't change the fact that I'm a member who doesn't always fit...Al-Anon gives me tools, such as detachment and the Serenity Prayer...and remember that this family gathering, too, shall pass. Soon I can move on to gatherings where I feel more comfortable...My goal is not to change others to fit me. I aim to change myself to fit my Higher Power's Will."


Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Spirit, thank YOU for it all. YOU are The One, The Source, The Center of the Universes. Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU shower on us all, the so-called "good" and the "bad", and the "oogly". Thank YOU for the gifts of Life, of Loving, and of being Loved. Lord, please please help us all make choices to follow YOUR guidance, YOUR Light. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Button Pushing

I've graduated to a new level in my B.S. Jeesh. Yesterday as I drove on my way to work, alone in the car, I started talking with Sho. I told him how I felt, how I can't talk to him face-to-face because he shuts the door. I said how absurb it is we can't communicate to the point I am talking to air, venting my emotions, speaking my mind...practicing. Almost like voice warm-ups before a performance. I laughed and said maybe I'll keep this experience for a comedy skit, how the illness can present itself. So silly.

It's a new level because most of the time I'm in my head. "He's going to do this, say that, because of...and he thinks...what he r-e-a-l-l-y means is...and where this is all leading to...". The old way is that Stinking Thinking, as if I know or can predict, etc. When in reality, a lot of times I'm surprised to find-out it wasn't at all like I thought it was going to be. I "forget".

In my family, some of the well-developed skills of denying responsibility were saying things like: "I didn't know." "I forgot." "Nobody told me." "It wasn't me." "It's not my fault." "I wouldn't have done it but they made me do it.", etc. I wonder what are some other ones?

Anyway, one of the biggest challenges for me is communication. I like to think I communicate really well. I mean, I can really hammer a point when needed. Sometimes a bit overmuch, like using a sledgehammer to kill a roach. Othertimes, I struggle to say how I truly feel, or what I truly think. BUT maybe an even greater communication roadblock may be in "Listening".

I remember hearing that the best #1 parenting skill is to shut up and LISTEN. So I practiced and certainly improved compared to how I used to be! That was then, this is now. How am I doing now? Am I listening without judging,criticising, thinking of what I'm going to say next as soon as the other person shuts up? Or am I truly listening to each nuance, phrase, point, feeling, sentiment, or whatever the other person is trying to communicate?

Let it begin with me, indeed...

Discovering Choices, p.117, "crisis...opportunity for me to wake-up and become aware that I am responsible for all my emotions: anger, happiness, resentment, joy, fear---you name it. If I let others push my buttons...then I'd better not complain about feeling lousy."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU for the extraordinary gifts of Life YOU bestow upon us all who are here. Thank YOU for the beauty of the moment and the exquisite potentiality of each breath we take. YOU rule, Lord. Please help me be of service to YOU and to my spiritual sisters and brothers. Also, Lord, please help keep me from pushing other people's buttons and remind me to take care of my own buttons. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Hand the Tiller Over

Well, more will be revealed, indeed.  I logged out then logged back in and this seems to have resolved the problem of not being able to use the "compose" mode.  Wonderful!  Now, hopefully I remember this is the solution...jeesh.

Anyway, Tuesdays continue to be a bit of a challenge in writing my blog.  I put this in my Higher Power's Hands because it seems no matter what I say, no matter how I say it...I keep "failing" to get it done.

Well, life keeps rolling on.  Thank GOD.  What a privilege!  The hard part of life is not living life to its fullest.  How hard it is to enjoy, relax, breathe, look around with fascinated eyes, loving each precious moment, squeezing the up most wonder of living...just living.  Jeesh.  Not fixating on how much money, prestige, power I can get...take from others.  Not obsessing on control, food, clothes, shoes, sugar, alcohol, sex, etc. to stuff my body, mind and soul with.  Instead...

Pause...relax...turn it all over to my Higher Power...trust it's all covered...then do my part to stay the heck out of the way, keep the channel open, hands-off!  LOL  Sounds so easy but it's hard for me to remember!  Easy Does It...I guess I'll forgive myself for all the mistakes I make on a daily basis.  And I forgive you, too.  :)

Hope for Today, p.269, "Today I humbly asked for help, "Show me the way off this merry-go-round," I prayed.  "Draw me closer and show me how to trust YOU."...Although I cannot do anything about the waves rolling into my life, I can hand the tiller of my life over to GOD and trust that I will be steered to safety."

Dear Lord GOD Creator Almighty, how precious the gifts of YOUR love, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, protection, guidance and care.  YOUR majesty, power and grace permeate all creation, all that was-is-will be-and might be.  Thank YOU for the privilege to be here and the honor to be of service to YOUR Divine Will.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol

Winning the Battle on the Battlefield of Spiritual Warfare

I'm really enjoying the readings this morning. Again, an opportunity presents itself for me to work this 12 Step program...Bring the focus back on me, myself and I in how I am contributing to the problems I face?

One Day At A Time In Alanon, p. 267, "This is the best reason for detaching our minds and our emotions from the minute by minute conflict and seeking a peaceful, orderly way of life within ourselves. If we stop fighting out every incident that happens, absence of an active adversary is bound to bring about wholesome changes in the home environment and everyone in it....I will not try to outwit or outmanuever anyone else, but will proceed quietly to live my life so I will have less reason for self-reproach. I will withdraw my mind from what others do, and think of what I am doing. I will not react to challenging words and actions." A quote from Epictetus, "When you are offended at any man's fault, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your own anger."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the privilege to live Life, to love and to be loved. Thank YOU for the wonders of this world and the multiple opportunities YOU provide us all to turn our lives and our wills over to YOUR care, guidance, protection and love. Lord, please help me to be of service to YOU and my brothers and sisters of the Spirit. As YOU Will. Love, Carol xoxox

Turning To the Light

Well, it's an interesting time. I go from the laptop to the desktop. Each one has it's challenges. Jeesh. Oh...lest I forget. Obstacles are actually opportunities. Turn boulders into stepping stones. Blah-blah. Easy to say...hard as heck to do! LOL

A couple of nuggets I found on today's reading excursions:

Day by Day..."When we practice living truth and love, the light of our Higher Power will shine through us." This reminds me of when I was a little girl holding my hand up to the light. The light glowed through, lit it up, the flesh translucent, reddish in hue.   Fascinating.

Daily Reflections...aha! Found this on the Web!  Click here...  Daily Reflections  GOD is good...

One Day at a Time in Alanon...September 1..."When our problems enclose us and saturate our thoughts, we find ourselves in an isolation that gives us an acute sense of loneliness.  We may confide in friends, but underneath we feel nobody understands what we are going through.

"Dwelling on our troubles only shuts out a world that is waiting to be enjoyed.  Nothing has real power to deprive us of the delights to be found in many daily experiences---even a routine household task, well done...I may have big troubles but I can, if I will, make them less painful by turning my thoughts to happier things.  I will not isolate myself in my problems.  I will observe and enjoy what is good and pleasant in the world around me.

":Let me not deprive myself of the many little joys that are mine for the taking."

September 9..."...an eye-opening, mind-opening question to ask myself:  What am I doing with what I got?  Instead of crying over what I don't have, and wishing my life were different, what am I doing with what I've got?..."GOD make me grateful for all the good things I have been taking for granted."

September 10..."Let not thy thoughts dwell upon the days of thy sorrows, but rather on those which brought thee brightness and peace."

Courage to Change, August 20..."...as I stumble by, I don't have to do better or differently.  The best that I can do is good enough.  I can relax and enjoy..."Sometimes we try so hard that we fail to see that the light we are seeking is within us."

September 9..."But I listen.  And through other people, my Higher Power does for me what I cannot do for myself.  Someone in the meeting shares and expresses the very feelings I am afraid to describe.  My world suddenly widens, and I feel a little safer.  I am no longer alone....A quote from the Navajo rain dance ceremony,

 "As I walk, as I walk,
The universe is walking with me."

September 10..."But I can forgive my extreme responses to extreme situations, knowing that I did the best I could at the time.  Today I can be honest and still be gentle with myself...."Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster."---Friedrich Nietzsche

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU so much for the bounty of YOUR blessings and love.  Thank YOU for this breath of Life.  Thank YOU for the multiple opportunities YOU give us to learn our proper place in YOUR Creation.  To learn to love and to be loved.  To extend our wills to submit to YOU.  As YOU Will.  Grant us the courage, the knowledge and the willingness to hand it all over to YOU.  One day at a time, sometimes one minute
at a time and maybe one second at a time depending on where we are on our hero's journey.  We love YOU, Lord.  Love, Carol xoxox

A Wild Time...

Well, it's been wild this past week.  A floor was installed in my room and the walls painted.  In the meantime I slept on the sofa.  Usually not a hard place to fall asleep on while watching TV.  Somehow, the experience is not the same when it was because my bed is in storage.  Jeesh.  Now, I know I didn't h-a-v-e to sleep there.  But I did.   Sleep is not really the word that comes to mind.  I felt uncomfortable, put-out, imposed on.  I didn't want to.  So for 3 nights my martyr role skewed my reality.  I'm a nut...not because I go there...I stay there.

I used to stay there for weeks, months, years on end.  Now, I've had a taste of the good life, a sober life, a sane life...I'm no longer willing to stay in the abyss.  And I know what to do...call my sponsor, go to a meeting, work the Steps, help someone else, journal, etc.

Yesterday I chaired a meeting, discharged some of the material, grieved.  Then turned it over to the group, got back on track.  We shared our experience, strength and hope.  Thank GOD.

Dear Lord GOD Creator, thank YOU for the blessings and opportunities YOU bestow...as YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Who Knew?

I didn't go to a meeting yesterday.  I felt wiped-out from Saturday's experience.  Not in a bad way.  Just pooped.  LOL  As the aging process unfolds I notice more and more limitations.  It ain't cute, let me tell you.  September 2, I will be 59 years old, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.  Age is a privilege.  "It is what it is", a quote by a wise woman named June (Honey Boo Boo's mother).

I'm waiting to hear from a Spanish speaking Alanon "baby" who agreed to call me in the mornings and help me with practice reading How Alanon Works.  My Spanish speaking and reading skills are atrocious.  I know.  It's evidenced by the the wincing, however fleeting, on the faces of adept speakers.   No matter.  Asking forgiveness along the way, I keep working on learning in hopes of being of maximum service to my Higher Power.  To carry a solution-based message in Spanish is definitely a high-fluting goal!

...In All Our Affairs, p.228, "I'll never graduate.  At times GOD still allows part of the pain from the past to surface to be dealt with, but only when I am capable of handling it.  This is a program for living, and even as old age creeps in, I feel I can still be of service and continue to grow and learn."

Jeesh.  Who knew I would read this today?

Dear GOD Almighty Creator, how amazingly wonderful YOU are.  Thank YOU for the multiple blessings YOU bestow on us all.  We need YOU, Lord, every day and in every way to show us the direction YOU want us to go.  Lead, O Lord, and let us not lean on our own understanding but instead on YOU.  YOU are our Creator, the Source, The One...As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Umlauf Garden in Austin, Texas, USA

The Prison Walls...Insider or Outsider?

Yesterday morning I went to visit women in prison in Gainsville, Texas.  Talk about a humbling experience.  It is actually a substance abuse treatment facility and had been in the news at one time...

http://www.austinchronicle.com/news/2008-05-23/627435/

You gotta read it to believe it.  Jeesh.

Anyway, I was there.  A friend of mine invited me to help carry the message.  She told some of her story and I had the opportunity to tell some of mine...with time constraints we didn't know.  It's all good.  LOL

I talked about my childhood experiences..some of them.  I shared about "secrets" I learned to air out, let out, speak it, share it...thanks to my Higher Power, the 12 Steps and Bernard Fleming (an excellent therapist who's helped me so much).  It takes what it takes.

I feel so deeply humble, grateful.  I know without any doubt whatsoever...there, but for the grace of GOD, go I.

I still remember the day when Steve Elliott, my Intensive Supervision Probation officer, closed the door to his office on South Lamar, he walked over to where I sat, leaned forward and pointed his index finger close to my nose and told me, "You are one person who should be in prison and I'm the one who's going to see you get there."  Words to that effect.  He revoked my probation and on my birthday September 2 I stood before the judge and was placed in the custody of Travis County jail for 47 days.  The l-o-n-g-e-s-t 47 days of my life.  For the first time I read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck and it opened my mind...a slight opening...but it helped start pointing me in the right direction.  Thank GOD.  At night I sang gentle, peaceful songs...my voice echoing on the acoustics of the jail.  Serenading us to sleep as the jail quieted...on the last day I heard, "ATW"...all the way...I was free at last.   I remember some of the younger women cried, "Don't leave us, Carol, don't go."  Very humbling indeed.  I put them all in GOD's Hands.

In jail, I learned the equation:  Freedom=Responsibility.  However free I want to be, that's how much responsibility I must take for myself.

Yesterday, brought it all back to mind.  Last night, I put my Big Book by my bed and read it in the wee hours of the morning.  I found me again on pages 204-207...

"...I began to get a picture of myself, of the temperament that had caused me so much trouble.  I had been hypersensitive, shy, idealistic.  My inability to accept the harsh realities of life had resulted in a disillusioned cynic, clothed in a protective armor against the world's misunderstanding.  That armour had turned into prison walls, locking me in loneliness---and fear.  All I had left was an iron determination to live my own life in spite of the alien world---and here I was, an inwardly frightened, outwardly defiant woman, who desperately needed a prop to keep going...

"Alcohol was that prop, and I didn't see how I could live without it...

"Then the miracle happened---to me!...

"...my eye caught a sentence ...'We cannot live with anger'.  The walls crumpled---and the light streamed in.  I wasn't trapped.  I wasn't helpless.  I was free and I didn't have to drink to "show them."  This wasn't "religion"---this was freedom!  Freedom from anger and fear, freedom to know happiness, and freedom to know love.

"I went to a meeting to see for myself this group of freaks or bums who had done this thing.  To go into a gathering of people was the sort of thing that all my life, from the time I  left my private world of books and dreams to meet the real world of people and parties and jobs, had left me feeling an uncomfortable outsider...and found I had come home at last, to my own kind.  There is another meaning for the Hebrew word... "salvation".  It is:  "to come home."  I had found my salvation.  I wasn't alone anymore.

"...my once overweening self-will has finally found its proper place, for I can say many times daily, "Thy will be done, not mine"...and mean it."

Dear Heavenly Lord GOD Almighty Creator Great Spirit, thank YOU for it all.  YOUR Will be done.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Martyr-face

I had a mask that is for Mardi Gra.  I gave it away yesterday.  It reminds me of how there are many times I wear an expression on my face that reflects the role I'm playing in my interactions in life.  Instead of how I really feel, or what I really think.  The authentic self is covered by the false self, the fake, the mask of people-pleasing, dominating, controlling, manipulating, mothering, smothering not only others but myself, too.  Jeesh.

What does it take to stop wearing masks and just be real?  Love and tolerance.  For myself and others.  Enjoying life, squeezing each moment for each precious happy, joyous and free minute!  Wearing a smile of gratitude instead of a sad, droopy face full of self-pity.  Keep the focus on me and let it begin with me.  Stop waiting for others to change...get busy in changing my own attitude and focus.

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.236, "Everyone around  this table is smiling---we've all put aside our griefs and our grievances.  Do we behave this cheerful way at home, or do we automatically put on our martyr-face?  I know I do---and right now I'm going to begin to change that."

Dear Lord Great Spirit, powerful and knowing are YOUR Ways.  Please lead me in the path of YOUR love, tolerance, and merciful forgiveness.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Free My Mind

I don't know.  Sometimes I experience my thoughts like getting stuck on a fly-trap, those sticky glue paper strips.  Negative thoughts and reactive emotions whir, buzz, gnash at my peace of mind until there is none.  Stuck.

Before the 12 Steps, I just guessed, trial and error, in finding ways to stop the obsession, fixation, compulsion or whatever you want to call it.  Resentment, hate, anger, fear, despair, etc. ruled the day and just h-u-r-t.

There is a way out...thank GOD.  And it does get better.  This, too, shall pass, indeed.

One Day at a Time in Alanon, p.235, "If I really do not want to be hurt, and if I am sure that self-pity isn't giving me a certain secret satisfaction, I will take all the steps necessary to free my mind from painful thoughts and emotions.  The best way to do this is not by grimly exerting will power, but by replacing those hurtful ideas with thoughts of love and gratitude."

Dear Creator GOD Lord Almighty, thank YOU for YOUR wondrous gifts of life.  The abundance of YOUR glory, compassion and love for us all is so amazing.  Thank YOU for helping me remember that just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I am a mistake.  I am YOUR creation and thank YOU for the opportunity to be of service to YOU and my spiritual brothers and sisters.  Love, Carol xoxox

Giving Freely of My Self

Well, I'm b-a-c-k!  LOL

I love it.  *big smile*  Today, of all the readings, the one that stands out the most is:

Daily Reflections, p.242, "My stability came out of trying to give, not out of demanding that I receive."--The Best of Bill, p.46-47.  

"As long as I try, with all my heart and soul, to pass along to others what has been passed along to me, and do not demand anything in return, life is good to me...I was never able to give without demanding something in return.  Little did I know that, once I began to give freely of myself, I would begin to receive, without ever expecting or demanding anything at all.  What I receive today is the gift of "stability"...but most of all, in my relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to call GOD."

Dear Sweet Lord Creator, thank YOU so much for those who show the way, who give so freely of themselves so that such a one as I can learn from them how to give freely.  Thank YOU for the multiple gifts of blessings YOU bestow on us all, O Creator.  YOU're awesome.  Love, Carol xoxox

Face it

I upgraded to Google Chrome and now the "compose" works!  Yeah!  I am soooo excited.  :)

Well, I continue to work the Steps with my new Al-Anon sponsor.  It's different than when I worked them in AA or worked them alone.  I snagged on the 4.  So many things showed up.  That old boyfriend for one.  Wow.  This brought a bunch of stuff smack up into my face.  The truth is I've been a lot sicker, deeper in denial,  than what I was ever willing to "face".  This smashed a bunch of denial.  The truth is I used him just like I've used other people as excuses for how I've lived my life.  Again and again confronted by it.

I worked some more on the 4 and am racing along.  This morning I wrote my grandson a letter, also my brother in Phoenix, and also a "thank you" letter to my dermatologist.  Actually I feel happy and successful.  Just for today...

Courage to Change, p.232, "Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself.  By facing reality, I become someone I can depend on."  A quote from As We Understood, "Awareness is so much better for me than closing out all feelings, shutting out people, withdrawing from living.  No matter how hard the truth is or what the facts are, I prefer to know, look at, and accept this day."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, than YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Untie the Knot

Well, no matter what I do, the "compose" button still doesn't work so I guess HTML will have to do for the meantime! It's been rough...not last Friday, but the Friday before, I dressed to go to work and discovered a tick latched onto my leg...I about fell-out. *shudder* Once thing I can't stand is ticks. Or spiders. Or snakes. Yep. There it was. So finally I was able to remove it by using tweezers and I cleaned the area, disinfected it, then put an antibiotic cream to help heal. Jeesh. It's been rough. What is hard about this situation is not the tick itself...it's what my mind does about the tick. Thoughts become tumultuous, rapid, what if's...what if the tick had Lyme's Disease? What if I now have Lyme's Disease? What would that mean? What does that look like? I don't know. I'll go do a search on the Internet...which brings up a lot of pictures of skin affected by Lyme's...omg...on and on. Then the emotions intertwined within the thoughts...scrambled...knotted together. A mess. I remember when my youngest son learned how to tie knots. He tied just about everthing he could, over and over. One time all the shoes in the house were tied together, strings here and there, a web of activity. Now, just because he knew how to tie doesn't mean he knew how to untie. So guess who did the untying and clean-up? Yep. Me. What a martyr. *hand salute to forehead in a pose of self-pity* Poor me. LOL Anyway, the knotted mess of my thoughts and emotions regarding the tick bite have challenged me to untie...clean it up. I do this by working the Steps. Step 1...I am powerless over the tick bite...it happened in the past, I can't go back to change that...my emotional and mental life become unmanageable with the bombardment of reflex reactions to this event of having a tick bite. Step 2...I believe that a Power Greater than myself is available and cares about me. This Higher Power bestows upon me the capacity to think in an effective way if I am willing to turn myself and my life over to GOD's care. I can take a breath...relax...and trust. I am a human and it is true that a tick bite can be harmful to me but there are things I can do to take care of myself. Dear GOD, help me please in this matter...and so it goes. Do the next right thing...So last night I remembered to heat some water up, cut some white cloth, poured a bit of Epsom salts in the cup of the cloth, made a poutice, then dipped it in the hot water and put it on my owwwie...feels much better. Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU for the privilege to be here, for the gift of Life. Please help me be of maximum service to YOU and my brothers and sisters in the Spirit of YOUR Love. Love, Carol xoxox

"compose" still doesn't work!

Hmmmm...the "compose" still doesn't work. Well, anyway, one day at a time... I did my readings this morning and once again...they help me soooo much to start my day just right. Thank you everyone who contributed to the writings that made it into those books! You really help me so much...

In All Our Affairs, p.207-211, were absolutely riviting reading! "...a program of hope...a way to become students of life on life's terms. ...learn that it is possible to find serenity within ourselves even when surrounded by chaos...sometimes doubt that we are making any progress at all...likens this aspect of the recovery process to climbing a spiral staircase: while it may seem we are getting nowhere, going in circles, we actually revisit old issues from an ever-high vantage point...learnthatt there is life after crisis, and that, with the help of these Steps, we can move on...find the quality of our lives continues to improve as we apply the ...program not only to crisis situations but to our everyday lives...by continuing to take personal inventory, acknowledgining our gains, and our gratitude, promptly admitting when we are wrong. No longer must we accumulate burdens of guilt or resentment that will become heavier and more potent over time. Each day, each new moment can be an opportunity to clear the air, to start again, fresh and free.

"...The 11th Step...means for filling the terrible, aching void that so many of us experience within...tried to fill this emptiness with practically everything---sweets, relationships, rage, shopping, overwork---and having failed to find lasting relief, we can turn to mediation for a solution....meditation fils us up from the inside out and leaves us a little more whole each time...
"...Prayer offers another way to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power...The huility that results from working the previous Steps reminds us that we don't always have the perspective to know what is best for us. So when we work the 11th Step, we ask only for "knowledge of GOD's Will for us, and the power to carry it out. Power here does not always mean strength, determination, or force; it may take the form of gentleness, willingness to bend, or surrender to GOD's Will."...
Dear Lord GOD Almighty Creator, YOUR Will be done. Love, Carol xoxox

Wow. It's been incredible....the "compose" area of the blog doesn't work. Finally, I clicked "HTML" and it's fine. That's not the reason I have'nt been blogging. I dropped into the aerospace of not doing it. In my history, I've done this before. Usually at certain times of the year. I notice this in my journals. A period of time I'm unavailable. Hmmm... Anyway, I'm back. I went thru a spin, a twist, a bended road of progress, never really seeing what's ahead and yet presevering, forging on thru the fog, smog, or whatever came my way. Finally...at long last...some clarity. I remember once driving on a road so foggy I couldn't see anything at all, like a wall, nothing. It was so bad I had to open my car door and lean down just to be able to see the middle yellow stripe to keep the car on the road. The fear, anxiety, uncertainty...slow...slow...slow. Then, finally, the fog disappears. Everything's clear again. Yep. It's like that. Some clarity...about time. I see now the "self-righteous, arrogance,and control" character defects that drive me to distraction...I put this in GOD's hands. HOPE FOR TODAY, p.216, "When I point my finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at me." Dear Sweet, Merciful, Compassionate Creator of ALL That Was-Is-Will be-and Might be, thank YOU for the wonderful gifts of Life, Love, and Happiness that YOU bestow upon us all. Lord, how great Thou truly art! Please help me be of maximum service to YOU, my brothers and sisters in the Spirit. As YOU Will. Love, Carol

The Backlash: Stronger I get, the sneakier the disease gets

Finally the doctor appointment arrived and she said I did a really good job of taking care of the problem.  She referred me to a dermatologist to look at it because he might remove the "gland" (I thought it was a pore?) because the architecture has been altered.  Jeesh.  Fancy words.   Is she sugar-coating?  Do I have a bigger problem than I realize?  More will be revealed.  I'll work on asking GOD to please help me keep an open mind and do the next right thing.  One day at a time.

One Day at a Time, p.202, "What is important and within our GOD-given powers to figure out, is what we are doing that confuses and complicates life for us.  When we discover that, and do something to change it, a good many of our troubles will vanish.  Every time I catch myself trying to figure out other people's motives, I'll stop and ask myself,"What did I say or do that prompted the action?  Why did I react to it as I did?  Does what happened make a major difference to me, or am I making something big out of a trifle?"  A quote from Thomas A'Kempis, "Leave off that excessive desire of knowing, therein is found much distraction.  There are many things the knowledge of which is of little or no profit to the soul."

In All Our Affairs, p.190, "...after taking positive actions for myself, I often experience uncomfortable aftereffects, which I call "backlash"...felt as if I had no recovery and that I had been ridiculous to even think for a second that I could do anything good for myself...occurs less and less frequently, backlash continues to arise when I take positive actions for myself...consider it one of the effects...learned to deal with it in various ways...remind myself that this "voice" is my disease and that whatever it has to say is a lie...Calling an Al-Anon friend will almost always set me on track.  Going to an Al-Anon meeting...enables me to remember that, although I am getting better, the stronger I get, the sneakier the disease gets.  Now that I understand more about how the disease works, I am learning to just accept this backlash rather than fight it and give it more power."

Dear Creator, I love YOU and thank YOU for loving me.  Please use me to be of maximum service to YOU and my sisters and brothers.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

The Fantasy and Mind Readers

Such a dramatic personality...if there is no drama, give me a minute.  LOL  In my mind there exists a creative energy that is remarkable in its intensity, leaping to the future or the past, lurching into uncharted scenarios, generating possible or impossible possibilities, all in a blink.  One of the things my mind creates is that other people can read my mind and not only know what I want or don't want...they'll take care of it for me.  This phenomena is subtle, subliminal, unobtrusive until the expectation falls flat...then I feel sad, angry, afraid, disappointed, retaliatory...oh, yeah.  Well, take this---whaaaaaaa.  A full-scale temper tantrum ensues.  But in the grown-up version...Jeesh.  

Hope for Today, p.201, "...I still yearn to have one other person in my life whose sole job is to anticipate and meet all of my needs without my having to ask...My undertaking now is to grow beyond this childlike fantasy by taking responsibility for getting my wants and needs met instead of expecting others to do it for me...tools that help me most with this challenge are Tradition 7 and "Let It Begin With Me".  Tradition 7 suggests being fully self-supporting...need to remember to support myself emotionally.  Even if no one else seems to notice or commend my growth and courage, I can pat myself on the back.  "Let It Begin With Me" reminds me that no one is a mind reader.  If I want or need something, I have to let someone know.  I need to ask, which means taking risks.  Maybe my request will be granted; maybe it won't.  If it is, great.  If it isn't, I'll still feel better for having asked, and then I can move on to someone else who might be able to help me.  I am powerless over alcoholics and alcoholism.  I no longer have to be powerless over me."

Dear GOD Almighty...thank YOU.  Love, Carol xoxox

Goodbye to the Martyr Salute

Whew!  A lot of things going on!  Seems like a whirlwind of situations requiring immediate attention spinning through my here and now.  Some of it is big stuff, some of it is small but all of it requiring attention, effort and energy.  Jeesh.  Setting priorities becomes very important.  Which ones come first in order?  Which ones can wait?  Some of it...just let it go.  Sometimes those are the hardest ones.  The ones requiring the least effort.  LOL

I've been listening to Al-non "Blanche" on xa-speakers.org and she has sooo many one-liners!  I like the one where she says her hand was stuck to her head...referring to the Al-Anon "martyr salute".  LOL

Anyway, I called my sponsor and she asked how I'm doing...what a question!  Feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed by life's situations, etc. I shared with her what's going on.  I whined my long list of grievances, near misses, some successes, etc.  She listened then asked me, "Are you calling because you want to vent, or do you want feedback, or a suggestion, a different point of view?"   I asked for her point of view.  She said I was doing great because already I'd done my morning literature reading, prayer and meditation, working my Steps and called my sponsor, she agreed I can do more prayer and meditation plus call other Al-Anons and to call EAP for outside help..  Some of us need it and I'm certainly one who does!   Kewl..  I followed through with her suggestions and WOW!  The results were dynamic.  Just like that...

Day by Day, "Practicing anything will eventually make us pretty good at it...getting high we were practicing insanity...at first it was a lot of fun...got so good at insanity we couldn't tell if we were playing or serious any longer...straight or high, insanity seemed to take over.  Now we practice sanity on a daily basis.  With the grace of GOD we can get pretty good at sanity, too.  Have I left my insane behavior behind me?  GOD give me faith, that I may know sanity is possible with YOUR grace."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.200, "The key...is to accept and use the program without any of the "Yes, buts" that would reveal only my resistance and uncertainty.  'I will not resist the impact of a new idea.  It may be just the one I've needed without being aware of it.  I will make my mind more flexible and receptive to new points of view.'

Courage to Change, p.200, "...I can't expect to recover overnight.  When I approach my life with an "Easy Does It" attitude, I treat myself and the world around me gently and lovingly...A quote from One Day at a Time, "We would be wise to take it slowly, concentrating on one idea at a time."

Dear Lord GOD Almighty, thank YOU for all YOU do for us.  The abundance of YOUR Love shines on us all.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox

Wound Care, Professionals and a Wounded Healer

Well, I cleaned the wound and went to bed.  Slept like a baby.  All night long, except when Elvis woke me up to let him go outside for his nocturnal walks.

The last few nights I spent hours taking care of the bump.  I heated water, gathered white cloth, epsom salt, hydrogen peroxide, gauze squares and Neosporin antibiotic ointment.  I'd put the salt in the cloth, dunk it in the heated water, let it lay until it cooled on the bump, time after time.   Finally the bump all came to head.  Even though I'd gently pricked it with a needle (first I put the needle in the flame from a cigarette lighter and let it cool for a second), nothing came out so I just kept the hot poultice stuff going. The next night the guck started coming out, more and more.  It then bled some, draining.  Now I went into wound care.  I pointed the nozzle of the peroxide bottle towards it and squeezed until a stream gently, thoroughly cleansed it.  Squeezed ointment on the gauze, then applied it as a protective shield.  Jeesh.  Ugh.

 Now I'm like having a hard time describing this because I feel a lot of emotions come up.

Scared.  Fear.  Uncertainty.  Inadequate.  Unsure. Worried.

I'd called my doctor but the soonest appointment was the 19th.  I thought maybe I'll go to a walk-in clinic or to the emergency room because...I need a "professional".  It looked pretty bad.  Maybe it's MRSA, or staph of some kind.  Or if not, it will be if I don't see a professional.  On and on.  I took care of it.  Kept my hands clean.  Everything I used I cleaned, etc.

All this because of a clogged skin pore.  Had it for awhile then...pow.  Here I am.  A mountain from a molehill indeed.  LOL  Anyway, it looks pretty good and hopefully it's just maintenance from now on.  GOD-willing and the creek don't rise.

I sound so primitive.  Like I have no doctor, no insurance, FSA account to take care of medical expenses, etc.  But why do I feel such a conditioned need to run to a professional, doubting myself, when I am capable of using common sense and have the experience of taking care of many kinds of hurts and pains?

Day by Day, "All we have to do is become willing to believe that a source of energy outside of ourselves is going to help us...Electricity works just the same after an electronics course as it does before one understands the nature of electricity...We needn't care if we understand GOD, we just need to believe that GOD understands us."

Daily Reflections, p.202, titled "Giving up Center Stage", "...not humbling myself toward other people, but towards GOD, as I understand Him.  Humility means "to show submissive respect," and by being humble I realize I am not the center of the Universe...consumed by pride and self-centeredness...felt the entire world revolved around me, that I was master of my destiny.  Humility ...to depend more on GOD to help me overcome obstacles, to help me with my own imperfections, so that I may grow spiritually...must solve more difficult problems to increase my proficiency and, as I encounter life's stumbling blocks...learn to overcome them through GOD's help.  Daily communion with GOD demonstrates my humility and provides me with the realization that an entity more powerful than I is willing to help me if I cease trying to play GOD myself."

One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, p.194, "'Let go of your clutching hold on the problem.  Let go and let the Divine Power, which works in all things, work in this, too.'...only reasonable course is to Live and Let Live---to learn to live my own life fully and to let others live theirs.  Or, more simply, to mind my own business.
     "Right now, today, I will lighten my burden by dropping that part of it which does not belong to me.  Today I will look more closely at my thoughts and impulses, and take only such action as is required of me."  A quote from Thomas A'Kempis, "Keep thyself first in peace and then thou wilt be able to bring others to peace.  Have, therefore, a zeal in the first place over thyself..."

Courage to Change, p.194, "...teach us to focus on ourselves?  It seemed such a contradiction...tended to think in extremes...Either I focused on myself and separated myself completely from the lives of others, or I wrapped myself around those others until I lost myself...come back to center...Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to myself, and I don't have to sacrifice myself in the process...still take care of myself.  "If you would be loved, love, and be lovable."  Benjamin Franklin

Hope for Today, p.194, "The more scared I was, the more I tried to control."  '...My Higher Power is the confidence within me that makes me unafraid...' a quote from As We understood, p. 105

As We Understood, p. 256, the last page of the stories in this book, "For her, and so many others like her, I am responsible, Let It Begin With Me."

In All Our Affairs, p.178, "...so lacking in confidence that we thought we couldn't do anything...incapable of making the simplest decisions for ourselves, yet could tell others how to run their lives....grow enough to listen to others' suggestions and realize they are just suggestions.  The choices and decisions are up to me.  Even if I decide to consult a professional, I still have to decide whether or not to accept the opinion...inform decision-making:  asking for and receiving suggestions, listing my alternatives and the probable realistic outcome, then making decisions based on the best information that I can gather....must also have flexibility...was such a rule follower...so ramrod unbending...difficult for me to learn to roll with the punches...went through a stage of being a people-pleaser, then reached another when I thought, "Well, I'll do whatever I want to and if they don't like it that's their problem."...learned that my decisions do sometimes affect others, and I try to take them into consideration."

Dear Sweet Lord GOD Almighty Creator, thank YOU.  As YOU Will.  Love, Carol xoxox