Came to Believe

come

 

1.

to approach or move toward a particular person or place

2.

to arrive by movement or in the course of progress

3.

to approach or arrive in time, in succession, etc.

4.

to move into view; appear.

5.

to extend; reach

come (to)

 to recover consciousness; revive.

b.

to change one's opinion, decision, etc.

c.

to visit: Come around more often.

d.

to cease being angry, hurt, etc.

be·lieve

 

1.

to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so

restore
1.	to return to an original or former condition
2.	to bring back to health, good spirits, etc
3.	to return (something lost, stolen, etc) to its owner
4.	to reintroduce or re-enforce: to restore discipline
5.	to reconstruct sanity  1. the state of being sane 2. good sense or soundness of judgment

Step 2:  Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I'm enjoying the process of looking up the definitions of these words and making this collage.  It is suggested to sponsees to look up the definitions of words so they can get a deeper, fuller understanding of the different meaning of words.  

I've heard it said one of the greatest moves the 12 Steps has is where we have the freedom to choose our own conception of GOD.  Page 12, "Alcoholics Anonymous", describes how Bill struggled with this.  At last he was able to be freed from the cold shadows of his massive, frigid, rigid, icy mountain of intellect that blocked him from the Sunlight of the Spirit.

A lot of times I want to "think" my way into recovery but my experience demonstrates over and over that how to work this program is to stick with the essentials, with what works.  H....honesty, O....openmindedness, W.....willingness.  

I've heard a relapse starts w-a-y before we ever take a drink, a pill, a lover, a bet, a donut, etc.  It starts in the mind.  The famous Stinking Thinking.  Rationalizing, Justifying.  The Shitty Committee starts up.  The mental fixation, obsessive, compulsive thoughts and emotions whirl, stirred faster, faster...then we act-out for relief but we are caught in the cycle, whirling in the vortex...til we hit another bottom.  Jails, prisons, sanitariums, treatment centers, burial caskets, etc. are full of people who have hit many, many bottoms.  

It takes courage to change, to face the demons, to fight back back by submitting to a Power Greater than ourselves, that can do for us what we cannot do for ourselves nor can any other human being do for us or themselves.  This Power Greater than ourselves can and will help us if sought.

I fired the god I was taught was mean, punitive, knew everything so it could and would punish me forever, scary, withheld its favor as a condition of love, neglectful, spiteful, depriving, vindictive, only cared about me if I was kissing its arse, it was absent when I most needed it, and only really cared about the "good" people which I never seemed to feel like I was.

photograph by JLMC

My new job description for my Higher Power:  Is my Creator, I am created in its likeness, is compassionate, loving, merciful, forgiving, giving, 100% loving, 100% lovable  wise, just, inclusionary, multi-talented, all powerful, Present at all times, brilliant, all-knowing, a healer, life-giving, a teacher, visionary, protective, supportive, caring, miracle-maker, etc.  I love my Higher Power and it loves me.  It doesn't look  like a man or a woman...t looks like love.  

This is one gift from the 12 Steps...it's given me a Higher Power I can embrace and hold close to my heart.  I'm very grateful....sincerely, Carol xoxox 

  

Fully Concede to Our Innermost Selves

World English Dictionary

fully  (ˈfʊlɪ)
— adv
1.	to the greatest degree or extent; totally; entirely
2.	amply; sufficiently; adequately: they were fully fed
3.	at least: it was fully an hour before she came concede  (kənˈsiːd)  — vb 1. ( when  tr, may take a clause as object ) to admit oracknowledge (something) as true or correct 2. to yield or allow (something, such as a right) 3. ( tr ) to admit as certain in outcome: to concede an election innermost  (ˈɪnəˌməʊst)  — adj 1. being or located furthest within; central 2. intimate; private: innermost beliefs One of my AA friends always refers to page 30, "Alcoholics Anonymous", where it states, "We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics (Alanon, compulsive overeaters, gamblers, etc.).  This is the first step in recovery."  She is so awesome when she says this in meetings because she's completely embraced it and it's saved her life.  She believes it.  So do I. The major #1 symptom of alcoholism, Alanonism, etc. is DENIAL.  In the Theory of Change it is the stage of Pre-contemplation...I don't have a problem.  I'm fine just the way I am. This has nothing to do with race, creed, color, age, intelligence, nationality, etc.  It is a symptom, an indicator.  The same way that Hep C testing looks for the antibodies produced by the body in reaction to the presence of Hep C, so is denial to the presence of addiction.     It shows up the most when I'm mostly trying to cover up the addiction.  That's how I know.  LOL Step 1 must smash DENIAL.  I must look straight back into the eyes of my illness and see it for what it truly is.   Cunning, powerful and baffling.  Ruthless, wrecking havoc on my body, heart, mind and spirit.  Devastating my life and those who love me.  At the beginning stages of this illness it's effects can be so subtle but by the end stages everybody else can see how messed-up I am BUT I CAN'T because DENIAL doesn't let me. The chapters of The Doctor's Opinion and Bill's Story describe so well the nature of the disease and how it looks as it presents its physical and strange mental twists.  Those of us who have used substances like alcohol, food, marijuana, pills, etc. to achieve mind and mood altered states can sometimes quickly see the connections between using or not using.  But some of us have never used, never taken a drink and can still get very, very sick.  How is this possible?  The mental obsession, compulsion is also described.  The phenomena of craving seems to apply to people, places and things. I maintain that before I ever took a drink I was an untreated Alanon.  I was very ill.  I still am except I get treatment for my illness.  I work the Steps, pray and meditate, go to meetings, read the literature, pick up the phone to call others, listen to online speaker meetings, etc. This illness is progressive if left untreated but recovery is possible if I'm willing to do the work.  Yeah!   Every day, buddy, one day at a time...and it does get better.

The Magic of Recovery

I remember way back when Atari had a simple tennis game where a player hit a dot which represented a ball.  The ball began at a slow speed but went faster and faster after each volley.  I spent a lot of time hitting that darn ball.  There was something hypnotic about this game.  Then came PAC-Man, Tetris, etc.  After a while I was too buy to play video games but I was aware of them.  There was one game in particular where the player was on some kind of quest and was gifted with magic potions, powers, gold coins, or whatever else when it achieved whatever that earned the boon.   Walls that were barriers disappeared, bridges materialized to span the gaps, etc.  I felt fascinated with this game because of the magical aspects of it.

Recovery has the same feelings of magical qualities.  Boundaries are now in place where there were none.  Where there was no hope, there is now.  The greatest gnashing of teeth, crying despair, grieving sobs are hushed by walking the Steps that lead to the heartfelt surrender to the still, silent, serene pool of my Higher Power's love in the Sunlight of the Spirit.  Where all is well with my soul quieted, comforted and protected by the Creator, from whence I came and will return.  Now, that is true magic. 

I must remember this when caught up in the drama of living life.  When a mistake seems to mushroom into gigantic proportions as automatic inner thoughts begin their wailing laments of how stupid I am, I'll never get it right, why bother?, why try?, I'm worthless, unworthy, I hate me, I'm no good, why am I even alive?,  on and on.  Or just as easily the whip of condemnation can switch onto others as I judge and criticize people, places, and things rather than myself.  The thunderous clamor beating an insistent negative dramatic 2 note bass-line like the one on the movie, "Jaws".  Jeesh.  

That's why I practice the Steps on the days when there's not a cloud in the sky, not a blip on the radar, not a fly in the soup.  So I can be ready for the moments of Life's inevitable tailspins when I go slipping, skidding and sliding all over the place, bumping into walls and other people.  My experience is I'm much quicker to go to Step 1 and working the Steps.  Thank GOD...it works when I work it. 

H.A.L.T.

H....Hungry
A...Angry
L...Lonely
T...Tired

Charity told me whenever I was feeling 2 or more of these feelings at the same time that I needed to STOP whatever it was I was doing and take care of those needs.  If I felt hungry, take the time to feed myself.  If angry, take the time to address the anger.  Mainly it was to just take the time to take care of my basic needs and to stop ignoring them.  Self-care seems so simple, common sense but for some of us it takes real effort to get in the practice of attending to our own needs and stop focusing so much on what every body else needs.

The other thing about HALT I've noticed is when I neglect and deprive myself of personal attentiveness I am much more likely to relapse in behaviors and attitudes.   I'm likely to lash-in or lash-out.  I am more inclined to say and do things I regret afterwards.  That's why it's important for me to remember HALT.

Dear Higher Power, please help me remember to stop and smell the roses along the path, to eat when I'm hungry, etc.  As You Will.  Just for today.  Luff ya, Carol xoxox 

The Tip of the Iceberg and the 4 C's

Well, yesterday I went to meetings in AA and Alanon, briefly met with a couple of sponsees, did my recovery dance...whoopee.  What is absolutely fascinating is the mix of people showing up!  Wow.  It does take all kinds.  And yet, underneath all the differences are the exact same underlying issues.  Over and over.  Looks different...but are the same and no one is excluded.

I remember hearing how the tip of the iceberg is used to describe this is what we see, the very top of it but underneath the waterline is a huge massive mountain.  The tip is what equates with clearly observable behavior, not with what we think or feel or believe, etc.  A friend who worked at the Austin State Hospital said she remembered during her orientation training she was paired with an experienced mental health worker.  Together they walked their rounds into different parts of the hospital then at the end of the excursions they compared notes on behaviors they observed to see if the trainee was relying on her eyes to gather information.  She listened with her eyes.  Excellent skills building.

The tip can represent the behaviors of addictions.  Alcoholism, Al-anonism, compulsive food eating or not eating, sex, gambling, emotion-ism, etc.  Clearly observable behaviors.  The lying, manipulating, using people, places, and things with impunity, self-effacing, selfishness, negativity, stealing, people-pleasing, risk-taking, self-centeredness, etc.  Not only me doing this to others and myself, but also allowing others to do the same to me.  Such are the effects of this spiritual malady.  It spreads like peanut butter.  And it hurts.  Someone said, "Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional".  A new one I heard is the 4 C's..."I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and  I can't cure it but I sure as heck can contribute to it!"

With the help of the 12 Steps and other like-minded folk who have worked this program it is possible to stay honest, open-minded and willing to accept life on life's terms, just for today...and stop contributing to the disease.

Self-Care in Recovery and People-pleasing

The times we live in are incredibly amazing.  I called-in my blood pressure and cholesterol med refills by just punching some numbers on the phone.  Wow.  I feel a positive feeling of accomplishment for such a simple thing because I'm taking care of me.  Self-care is so important in recovery.

This is one of my efforts to honor the 7th Tradition in that I'm "self-supporting, declining outside contributions" by doing the things I can for myself without depending on others to do for me what I am perfectly capable of doing myself.  Even with such a small thing as pick-up the phone to call-in for refills.   I honor the 7th Tradition by also allowing others to take care of themselves without depending on me to do for them what they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves.  Sounds pretty easy but it's hard as heck to do for someone like me who is soooo nice, I only want to help, please let me do this for you so you can need me, etc.  Sneaky-sneaky.  People-pleasing hooks.  Jeesh.

Just for today...may I please stay out of the people-pleasing business, dear Higher Power, and instead work on pleasing YOU...love, Carol xoxoxox

Six P's in a Pod

Yesterday the Physical Therapist called to say I have been approved by Workman's Compensation to get 9 sessions.  Awesome.  The one appointment I went to was such a relief!  She explained I am no longer in the Acute stage.  I am in the "Chronic" one.   I can tell the difference but I still hurt.  I received a letter from the other driver's insurance company which stated my claims case was transferred to a Sr. Claims rep. so I will call them on Monday to find out what that means.  I also received a letter from Workman's Comp. and it had a plastic card which will pay for any medications needed as a result of the accident.  I cried.  I just sat there and blubbered.   I'm such a crybaby at times.  The morass of self-pity I know so well as I sink into feeling sorry for myself and my tale of woe.  I'm full of it.  LOL  Anyway,  I felt grateful for the relief knowing I am provided for by Work Comp, that I wasn't just floundering with no way to get help.  I still struggle with having had to file for W.C., that my employer's insurance has to help me when the other driver's insurance hasn't helped me at all...and it was his liability, his responsibility that he hit my car!  Jeesh.  B-r-e-a-t-h-e.

I am one of the working poor in that I live pretty much from paycheck to paycheck.  So when a so-called "little" accident messes me up, the consequences can be pretty traumatic on a lot of levels, not only physical.  The streets of many cities around the world are littered with people like me, who from one trauma or another ended up homeless, destitute, and stuck as they grow dependent on hand-outs instead of a hand-up out of the mire.   There, but for the grace of GOD, go I.  And I know it.  I'm one of the lucky ones in I still have a strong relationship with my Higher Power, sobriety, a family and a domestic partner that love me, a bed to lay my head on at night, a job, a weeble-wobble uglier car but at least it gets me from A to B and back, brothers and sisters in the program and on and on and on...the multiple blessings of the 12 Steps because if I didn't have this program I feel very confident my story would be extremely different today.  Today I know to live my life effectively in the Sunlight of the Spirit is to apply the 12 Steps to all my problems, just for today keep a honest heart, an open mind, and a willingness to do the work....Step 1...

Building Spiritual Muscles

Yesterday I heard a co-worker  kind of complain to me in a questioning, uncertain tone of voice, "What's happening?  Why are you so nice all of a sudden?"  Jeesh.  I've been "nice" all along except I kept putting the hot iron of accountability on those who messed-up and I quit taking up the slack when they dropped the ball.    What's different today is, since the accident, I'm quieter in the accountability area and am hunkering down to take up the slack again which is something I'd stopped doing as part of my recovery.  I had stopped co-signing the B.S.  Apparently I am in a re-evaluation stage of development.  I'm one of those who are like a pendulum...I swing wayyyyy too far to the right, then wayyyyyy too far to the left, back and forth, then eventually, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I usually make it to a happy, moderate medium not too high, not too low, not too lefty-loosey and not too righty-tighty as I spiritually grow and develop one day at a time in the 12 Steps program.  

Growing in this way is definitely a process.  My experience has been 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 5 steps forward, 8 steps back, 10 forward, etc.  The minute I think I'm done, I've arrived...I'm in trouble!  I must not rest on my laurels.  It's also like bodybuilding muscles.  My brother, Tomas, at one time explained muscles appear to be long, sinuous strands but in reality they are made of tiny, small fibers that require breaking then healing as they build up to grow in strength and mass.  

My fearful needs for perfection, control, manipulation, etc. are all strands of dishonest, narrow-minded, unwilling rigidness to change that I learned as a child to survive in a topsy-turvy, unstable, potentially violent, hurtful world.  That's the cleaned-up version.  LOL  The difference today is the courage to change  and be changed, one day at a time, by exercising the spiritual muscles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness as I grow in this new way of life in spiritual recovery.  The 12 Steps are the barbells.  If I pick them up and use them my spiritual muscles grow...it works when I work it on a daily basis, not just when I'm in crisis and needing my Higher Power.  That's like sitting around, not moving or exercising, then all of a sudden I need my muscles to perform the Herculean task of picking up my butt off the sofa in a split second!  LOL  Well, anyway, just for today I can work these Steps to the best of my ability (the 4th Agreement:  Always Do Your Best!)...yeah!  I'm grateful this program is about progress instead of perfection!

Cease Fighting Everything and Everybody

There was a time, during my teenage years, when I was like a legend in my own mind.  "Don't you know who you're talking to?" was my attitude and retaliation was on its way.  I spent a lot of time in my head contriving, manipulating, devising, plotting, planning the next move.  Then worked on my "friends" to help me execute my plans.  I spent a tremendous time of focus and energy as I studied and premeditated what I was going to do without being the person in front doing the damage.  Very devious.  I was a coward and feared being found out just how afraid I felt.  I had a strong commitment to making sure no one knew so I worked hard on pre-empting any aggression headed my way.  Real or not, it was all the same.  I might not have been able to out-fight them physically but I was determined to outsmart them.  "Them" being anyone who I felt threatened by.  I learned at a very early age to hide how I really felt, what I really thought and wanted.

Not too long ago, as I was driving and the radio was playing a song, I had an epiphany.  I've always wondered why my half-brothers, Ray and Rudy, were so mean with me.  I thought it was because they, too, had been mistreated and so, did the same to me.  However, I've seen how when Elvis and Stitch were growing up that Elvis was the first born puppy but Stitch was stout, stronger, and bigger.  Elvis used to act like he was bigger, stronger, king of the pack.  He had a commitment to make sure Stitch knew that Elvis was the Alpha-male otherwise, if Stitch had wanted to, he had the ability to beat the crap out of Elvis...but Elvis made sure Stitch stayed baffled and submissive.   Now looking back, I realize that because my father was over 6' and 250 pounds, I inherited some of his height and certainly girth, although as a child I wasn't really fat,  I was just physically bigger than my mother and siblings.  I see now where it was very important for my older brothers to keep me baffled and submissive, especially in the barrio and in those times.  LOL I remember them taunting me on how stupid I was, over and over.  Demeaning me, depriving me.  I see now this was their inept way of trying to survive.   So I guess a part of my own survival was to buy into what they said, too.

I learned fighting was crucial.  Fighting was not only about striking back.  Although it was sometimes about brute force, like gladiator times where the biggest, baddest, strongest wins.  Most of the fighting was in my head.  I've played chess and I'm really not very good at it because I have the attention span of a 2 year old.  It doesn't enthrall me.  It's interesting but it doesn't keep my focus.  However, drama...now that keeps my attention.  Whether real or imagined.  I've noticed when I'm not engaged in living my life, doing the things that groove me, move my passions, enjoying the love, intimacy, happiness of being close to family, art, music, etc. then I am much more likely to go to that other place of living in a virtual reality life.  Schizophrenic in that it's all in my head.  Where what I think takes precedence over reality and this feels normal to me.  A way of life.  No big deal.  But I'm living life in my head.  Jeesh.  Not a good place for someone like me.

The 12 Steps program leads me to the solution...working the Steps takes me from this Nowhere Land in my head to the other place where the Sunlight of the Spirit is.  In the Big Book of "Alcoholics Anonymous" it says over and over...we cease fighting everything and everybody.  Wow...love and tolerance is our code...Dear Higher Power, may I do Your Will today that I may be of service to You and show by example to others that Your Way of Life works...as You Will....sincerely, Carol  P.S. And please help me stay out of my head! xoxox

O Divine Master...Thy Will be done

Wow...my first visit to physical therapy was mainly focused on initial consultation.  Maureen, the therapist, did have me lay down on a flat, firm platform then encased my shoulders and neck in a wonderfully warm wrap.  The final touch was when she propped my feet on a stool...I felt blissed.  20 minutes of awesome.  She showed me exercises to do during the day and now I'm waiting to hear if she can provide me with more sessions.  I hope so.  That was lovely.  Tomorrow I go for a followup with the Pro Med doctor.  I also need to call my regular doctor to schedule an appointment so I can update her of what's been happening and for her to assist me in addressing a bone density test, etc.

On my kitchen window that's over the sink I have an inexpensive, green, stained-glass knic-knac that I get to enjoy every day because it has the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi written on it...I'm one of those who needs to feed my heart, mind and soul with everything I can find of higher thoughts, beliefs, feelings and healings...every day on my road of recovery.

Trust GOD and Keep Rowing

This morning I go to my first physical therapy session since the car accident on July 31.  I look forward to learning what I can do to help my body recuperate and I fear hearing anything that says I may never truly heal from the accident's impact.  Not because the collision was so bad but rather my own health, where the bones are concerned, is so bad.  I hand this over to my Higher Power.

There is also a flurry of paperwork that needs to be done since I filed for Worker's Compensation.  I received a letter on Saturday from the W.C. adjuster requesting information so I typed a letter and mailed it yesterday.  On and on...I act in faith it'll all work out however it's supposed to and I still do the work.  Like the saying goes, "Trust GOD and keep rowing." Keep working those Steps!  LOL

No matter what, the biggest challenge is to remember that at the end of the day the two most important questions I will need to answer are:  How much time did I spend with my Higher Power?  What did I do today to be of service to my Higher Power's children?  

Go or Not Go to a Meeting?

Please know I write this blog with the "take what you want and leave the rest" idea in mind.  I attend meetings with the same perspective.  I heard a new one yesterday at Alanon that I hope to keep.  "However I stand in front of a mirror I can only see 60% of myself".  This was in reference to the process of working a 4th Step inventory and the importance of the 5th Step where we need each other to help see sides of ourselves that we are blind to.  I so enjoyed the meetings yesterday, actually I enjoy the meetings every time I go.

I remember in early sobriety how I r-e-a-l-l-y didn't want to go to meetings.  I thought it was such a hassle to get dressed-up, go listen to blah-blah-blah and to act as if I knew what the heck I was doing.  Even under those circumstances, where I may have arrived in my own head, by the time the meeting was over I felt so much better.  Clearer.  Saner.  Didn't even notice the difference until I went to a meeting to help clear it all up!   LOL

Even though I enjoyed the aftereffects of attending a meeting, I struggled with resistance and reluctance to make myself go in the first place.  "It's raining."  "It's too hot."  "I'm too tired."  "I'm too busy." "I have way too much to do."  "I don't have time."  "It's too late."  "I don't have enough gas in the car." "I don't have a dollar to put in the 7th Tradition basket." It's such a hassle."  "I have nothing to wear."  Oh, my gosh...there are more where those come from!  Excuses and reasons to not go.  Charity, my sponsor, encouraged me to think of 12 Steps meetings as treatment, like people who have cancer go to chemo treatments, or people with kidney disease go to dialysis, so it is that people with Alanonism, alcoholism, etc. go to 12 Steps meetings for treatment and recovery of their illness.   Hmmm.

A measurement or tool I used to determine whether the reason or excuse justified not going was a simple question:  "If I was going to _________ (fill in the compulsion, for example:  go buy alcohol, drugs, sex, Hostess Donuts, "talk" to so-and-so, etc.) would I let this stop me from going?"  If the answer was an honest "yes" or "no" then I applied it to whether to get my butt to a meeting or not.  This still works for me, PRN...as needed.

Well, it's Monday morning and just for today may I keep an honest heart, an open mind and a willing spirit to do my Higher Power's Will...one day at a time...just for today...

Making Amends to My Children and R.I.P.

I had a person say to me, "You're so nice to me.  Like a mom.  Except my mom was mean to me."  "Maybe", I said, "she was stressed out, overwhelmed and didn't know what to do?"  "No", he said, "she was mean to me because I was bad."  My heart went out to him because I could relate to him in my own development and relate to his mom the way I did to mine plus to the "mom" I personally used to be.  I see now where children in their heart-filled loyalty to their parents can internalize the "blame" for all the things that go "wrong" and in this way absolve parental guilt.  Like sacrificial lambs of the spirit they take on the blame which become legacies of generational, traditional and racial guilt.  Some people will completely deny their parents had problems, they were "guilt-free".  They were fine and so, therefore, are their children who grow up to be "fine".  Denial is incredibly powerful.

The truth is I fought so much to not be like my mom but I was more like her than what I could see during that time.  The biggest legacy I carried was of emotional, mental and physical abuse wrapped around neglect, abandonment, and deprivation and guess what?  That's what I passed on to my children.  Maybe I didn't do this all the time and in everything, I did it enough to hurt them.  Maybe not on the level for the law of the land to intervene but I did it enough to pass on the family legacy.  Did I know then?  I knew something was wrong but I didn't know exactly what it was and what to do to fix it.

Not all abuse is apparent.  Some of it is hidden behind smokey mirrors, foggy windows and spooky incantations of "don't say anything".  A lot of the times children keep things to themselves to protect their parents who might not be able to handle the truth.  I've seen Dr. Phil and Oprah shows where children told their parents who in turn acted-out and in the long run the children ended-up in worse, life-threatening desperate situations than before, plus without their mom or dad who ended up in prison for life.   Jeesh.  It seems to me, when children survive to adulthood it is a big testament to their amazing courage, resiliency and independent thinking.  Wow!  Good job.

The gift of recovery is not just about me.  A great motivator in coming to AA and quitting drinking was to help my children.  I knew I could never go back and change the past and all the harm I'd done to them.  No amount of words would ever change the past.  I've learned the best way to extend a loving, healing hand to them is by making living amends.  As I work the 12 Steps program there are multiple opportunities to clean my side of the street by owning up to the messes I made and asking how can I make it up to them?  My mom was never really able to do this for me but she gave me a great opportunity to see how it felt to not have it and want it so I could, in turn, by distinguishing the difference, extend to my children what I'd wanted from my mom.

How can I make amends to my own children?  By working the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions I can change the family legacies of "me, me, me" and "more, more, more" to Freedom At Last in the Sunlight of the Spirit, so help me GOD...one day at a time placing principles above personalities...etc.

Ask or Don't Ask?

Stitch came over on Thursday night and will probably go back home today.  Before I went to work yesterday, I gave him and Elvis separate showers outside on the back porch.  I tied a leash on a post to hold and connect one dog at a time.  I had already watered the garden I've pretty much neglected since the accident while the dogs ran up and down their enclosure as they were "hunting".  Although there really are occasionally wild rabbits around here, I have yet to see those dogs catch one.  Anyway, I used the water hose with the handle spigot sprayer at the end and enjoyed  watching their pleasure in being taken cared of.  Elvis, in particular, because I haven't bathed him in quite a while.  That's because after he's clean he usually likes to go roll in the dirt and turns very dusty, like Linus in the Peanuts cartoon.  Every time he moves there is a dust cloud.  Well, I'm exaggerating but you get my idea.  This can aggravate my control issues because I want my dog to be clean and cute.  He wants to be dusty and happy.  He wins.  Hopefully I can cut his hair today before he takes that darn dustbath.

My sister, Deb, has a best friend, Jean, that I believe GOD brought into her life.  At first I didn't trust Jean because I didn't know her and I feared she was trying to take advantage of my sister who, as a result of addictions, now lives with mental illness and a closed-head injury.  Now I see that Jean is a 5 star friend and a real blessing for Deb.  Jean explained to me that her older sister, who recently died, had also lived with mental illness and an obsession with a boyfriend that excluded her from the family similar to the way Deb's obsession with Manuel has pushed her sons and others away.  Jean says she's watched how Manuel preys on women's affections and insecurities then seems to enjoy pitting them against each other.  That's how Deb ended-up in jail.  Jean says Manuel called Deb on the cellphone and told her he was upstairs in her neighbor's apartment having wild, uninhibited great sex with M***, Deb's neighbor.  Deb believed him, every word he said, not a doubt, no questions asked.  She ran up the stairs, banged on M***'s door and insisted on seeing Manuel.   M***, who also lives with mental illness, opened the door and said Manuel wasn't there but Deb didn't believe her.  M*** tried to shut the door but Deb pushed herself inside then slapped M***.  Police arrived on the scene and Deb was charged with burglary of a habitation because she pushed into the apartment, I guess.  She stayed about 4 months in jail and was released the other day.  I talked to a co-worker about this yesterday and she shared a story with me about a woman who was in the state mental hospital.  This woman would sit quietly, peacefully self-contained, seemed normal in every way except when she got a fixed stare in her eyes as she looked at you then said, "You look like the woman who was messing with my man." then she'd attack.  No questions asked.

In sobriety, I've learned to ask questions.  When I was young "Don't ask" was drilled into me.  Don't ask why.  Don't ask cause you might not really want to know.  Don't ask, you're in my way.  Don't ask, just do it.  Don't ask, it takes too much time.  Don't ask, don't tell.  Don't ask, you don't need to know why, just do it.  Don't ask...because I said so.  Asking questions was asking for it.  To ask a question was to hear rejection, sarcasm, insults, etc.  Not all the time...just enough to shut me up.  About a year or two ago, a co-worker who is a trained therapist shared with me how important it is to ask questions in the moment whenever someone is telling me things, especially if it's "call to action" stuff, and especially if it raises my emotions.  She encouraged me to ask, "Who said that?" "When did that happen?" "What needs to change?" "Where did it go?", etc. Instead of just taking whatever people say at face value, as if GOD has spoken.  Jeesh.  At first it was really hard to do but it is getting easier and easier.  Now I'm wanting to remember to ask in the moment.  I'm full of questions later on but I need to ask right then.  It really puts people on the spot and the accountability raises up quite a bit.  This also stops a lot of B.S.  We get "real" real fast.  The "Don't make assumptions" and "Don't take things personally" Agreements certainly apply here.  It's okay to ask, otherwise I might never know what it is I needed to know and this might make all the difference in the world.

There is a time when it's better for me to not ask.  When I need to be minding my own business and staying out of others' personal business.  The MYOB...Mind Your Own Business.  I've paid a huge price on learning this life skill.  I depend on my Higher Power by working the 12 Steps to help guide me thru the maze of Ask or Don't ask?  It's all about progress instead of perfection.

The 12 Steps program empowers me to have the courage, strength, and wisdom to try out new behaviors and to be honest, open-minded, and willing to accept the new world I'm living in as the miracle of transformation happens...one day at a time.

Get Bitter or Get Better?

I'm not blogging from the top of some safe spiritual mountain where I'm unaffected by life's gale storms of troubles and dictates.  I'm down here in the mix, smack dab in the middle, living life as best I can the same way we all are.  I'm no one special, different, mightier, richer, smarter, etc.  I'm just a common garden variety human being that's facing and accepting life on life's terms with the help of the 12 Steps program on a 24 hours a day basis.  This blog helps as I write about what presents.

Yesterday I went to see a Pro Med doctor and I'm filing for worker's comp. because when I was in the accident  I also had my car full of supplies that I was delivering to the shelter where I work.  The other driver's insurance hasn't contacted me since the agent left a message saying the witness's phone had been disconnected.  Anyway, I went to see this doctor and he asked if the ER had x-rayed  my neck because I had a neck fusion 39 years ago when I was in an abusive relationship.  He ordered x-rays and said the reason this accident affected me so much is because my neck now has arthritis and osteoporosis.  Oh, GOD.  I g-r-i-e-v-e-d hearing this.  Tears come to my eyes as I write.  Feeling pretty sorry for myself.  He said if I were younger, healthier and without this pre-existing condition the impact wouldn't have been so hard.  He wants me to go to physical therapy 3 times a week and scheduled a return appointment for the 22nd.  He asked if I had a family doctor and if I'd had a bone density test.  I told him how my mom and her mom had osteoporosis.  When my mom aged, her head sunk down into her shoulders and she looked like E.T.  As I drove from there to the shelter I thought about what all this means.  I guess if I live long enough I got a lot to look forward to...E.T. go home.  Jeesh.

Afterwards I went to the shelter and the regular person to work the floor wasn't there so I filled-in.  I had a chance to serve the pre-cooked meal but I added a few spices and fixed it up to where the aromas wafted throughout the shelter.  When I served them dinner it wasn't just food.  It was love and care and sincere regard.  A loving wish for them to know how much I care about them and that they are important, too.  This helped me (I am very selfish) to get out of my head, to think of others and to be of service.  Sometimes I feel embarrassed to know I am paid to do this job because it's like I'm being paid to work my program.  That's a GOD-thing, not a "me"-thing.

Anyway, as I go forth this day I know my Higher Power has it covered and all I really need to do is my part.  Let Go and Let GOD and ask for guidance to the next right thing....

Love and the Gift of Desperation

I love my family of origin, my brothers and sisters, cousins, etc.   For self-preservation's sake, I've learned to love them from a distance.  The whirling vortex of the family pathology is seriously dangerous and I've experienced tremendous pain from getting too close.  I used to feel helplessly drawn to this vortex like a moth to light, powerless to stop myself from being drawn into the overwhelming family illness that every one vehemently denied even existed as it consumed us all.  A family sickness where love is confused with the dervish, seductive dance of the addictions. A "love" illness.

Addictions is just another word for mental illnesses cloaked by a snazzier name than for what it really is.  The diagnostic manual used by psychiatrists clinically describes the symptoms and can qualify or disqualify a person for an official diagnosis.   However, the word "addiction" sounds more socially acceptable, almost respectable, especially in the times we live in where the common folk rub shoulders with elite superstars such as world leaders, athletes and movie stars.  Addiction...where the love/compulsive need for _______(fill in the blank) is much more important than a relationship with the Higher Power, one's self and others.

Tina Turner sang a song, "What's love got to do, got do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion..."  I asked the father of my children who battered me on and off for 16 years, "If love is a second hand emotion, what is the first one?"  Without a blink, he answered, "Survival."  How true.

The Hollywood version of love is disarmingly charming with everlasting love, sparkling whispers of "you complete me" and it all works out happily ever after every time like the fairy tales promise.  Jeesh.

When I was a little girl love appeared haphazardly like "I love you-I love you not-I love you..."  I remember how fascinated I felt playing this game of pulling petals off a pretty flower.  I contrived to make sure it ended with "I love you".  I was willing to manipulate and lie to myself even then in such a simple thing.

The first time I ever remember thinking of love in a healthier, sounder manner was when I read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, MD.  Dr. Peck opened my mind in a way that has continued throughout the years.  He also wrote "The People of the Lie" which is riveting, enlightening and very helpful in describing the light and the dark sides of "love".  Ralph Waldo Emerson:  "The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions."

Finally, Alanon has gifted me with a wholesome, healthier perspective.  I've come a long way and have a long way to go but I know without a doubt in my mind...more will be revealed as I trudge the Road to Happy Destiny.  Alanon has given me a different perspective on love, loving and being loved or not.  So I keep coming back, a day at a time...sometimes a minute at  time...to the program that works if I work it.  I've noticed if I hurt bad enough I will drag my butt to a meeting, read the literature, pick up the phone, pray, meditate, journal, anything to stop the pain.  Pain can be a great motivator to stop the crap.   My willingness level to work the Steps goes up.  That's when the Gift Of Desperation makes all the difference in the world...thank G.O.D.!

Family of Porcupines

My 54 year old sister, Deb, was released from jail yesterday.  She stayed there for about 4 months.  She is one of the persons who influenced me to go to Alanon.  At that time I had 13 years of AA under my belt but I felt terrible and didn't know why.  I moaned and groaned, felt like crap, as I worked the Steps but there was no relief, just bewilderment and confusion.  Why?  Weren't the 12 Steps enough and AA?  Apparently not for me.  The happy, joyous and free were fleeting moments which flickered but didn't stay on.  Why, why, why?

My sobriety is more than abstinence from drinking.  The core experience of sobriety for me is sober thinking instead of whacko, sober feelings instead of wildly swinging moods and sober behaviors instead of erratic survival fight-or-flight behaviors.  I had sobriety but I couldn't hang onto it.  It felt mercurial, fickle, flighty instead of solid and strong which I longed for.  I felt pretty mangled by the time I crawled into Alanon on Sunday, February 19, 2006.

The difference Alanon has made for me is amazing.  I can still feel crazy at times and go loop-da-loop but the biggest difference is the love and acceptance this program offers me.  It loves me back to where I need to be, in the hands of my Higher Power.  I do believe Alanon is higher education in spirituality.  One of my goals in life is to grow up to be a black-belt Alanon and to open a can of whip ass whenever the isms show-up!  LOL

Just for today...may I open that can whenever needed...PRN...instead of taking a pill, a drink, a blow, a donut, or whatever...I'll take a Step.

.  

Comparing One's Self to Others

Along the pathway of my recovery are so many gifts from the Universe.  One of those gifts is a book that I believe is one of the greatest books Dr. Wayne Dyer, a philosopher of our times, wrote.  "Your Erroneous Zones".  In 1993, Charity recommended this book so I forced myself to read it.  A huge resistance kept getting in the way.  I was too sleepy, too tired, too busy, too anything than finish that darn book!  But I did.  Dr. Dyer, or rather, Wayne has no idea the hope, inspiration and epiphanies this book gave me.  It was like a huge light shone on the dark crannies of my life.  I gave a copy to my brother, another copy to my sister, etc.  I have a hard-copy that's falling apart but I also have a copy on my Kindle, too.  Wow.  The times we live in.  What a privilege.  

Around 1999 I paid $325.00 which left me with $25 to survive until payday.  I paid this money so I could attend the Landmark Forum.  Now I don't know if you've ever heard of the Landmark Forum but it was like being in a room for a long time and listening to an intensive, comprehensive, all-encompassing narrative of stuff.  In the material covered were, for example:  what's the difference between a rock rolling down a hill and a human being rolling down a hill?  Answer:  the human being has a story about rolling down the hill.  There were many, many different perspectives and ideas crammed in these sessions.  Another one that stands out in my mind is:  98% of the world is cynical and resigned so it works from the perspective "Gotta Look Good, Avoid Looking Bad".  2% are extraordinary, outside the box, authentic, game free.

 I walked around most of my life wishing I was someone else other than me.  I fantasized other people had it made.  They were luckier, smarter, cuter, etc.  Basically, just better and certainly more interesting.  Period.   They "looked" that way.

Then, in 2006, Alanon Mary #1 helped me see the hurt which appears when I compare myself to others.  She said I'm comparing my insides to their outsides and this is like comparing apples to oranges.  Every time I make comparisons somebody wins and somebody loses.  Usually me.  I remember my mom making comparisons.  "Why aren't you more like so-and-so, she's so ____ and ____ but you're not.  You need to be more like her than the way you are."  She may have been the one who planted the seed of this enormous erroneous weed but I'm the one who nurtured and pampered it.  That's my part in it.

Working the 12 and 12 is an "inside" job.  Working this program helps me alongside my Higher Power to re-move the weeds in my garden of Life so I can grow and blossom in the Sunlight of the Spirit.  As I do the work, keep the focus on doing my part this naturally affects other people and so-on.  They get to blossom without my weeds blocking some of their views, too.  "Let it begin with me..."

Top of the Pile or Bottom of the Heap

Well, I finally get to go back to work today.  I'm excited and look forward to earning my keep.  I had a dream last week I returned to work and was a superstar awesome employee doing everything and being all that plus a pack of potato chips.  I woke up feeling happy, feeling good about myself then I thought, "When I go back to work instead of being a superstar I'll probably be fired because I'm slow and not all that."  And snap!  There went my glow of happiness.  My high in life.  My natural buzz.  Just like that and then the anxiety set in.  The sadness welled and I felt sorry for myself that I'm slow, haven't been to work, nobody cares, etc.  Wah, wah, wah.  The morass of self-pity is but a blink away.  Top of the pile or bottom of the heap, indeed.

It all feels very real but this is actually a symptom of the spiritual illness, one of the bent neuropathways grooved in early childhood.  I believe there were instances I felt so deeply sorry for myself as a child and never really had a chance to discharge, cry, vent, process these feelings so they integrated into my system of being as a major neuropathway with complex interactions on my personality.  I remember my mom being angry and chastising me for laughing too hard because that meant I was going to suffer, feel bad.  I wasn't allowed to feel too happy for too long because that was bad.  Fast forward to the here-and-now.  She is no longer around to put the brakes on my happiness.  Now I apply the brakes by not embracing the full capacity of my humaness.  So now it's a part of me.  There's nothing wrong with feeling sorry for myself once in a while if things aren't going my way.  This is a part of the human experience, no big deal.  It is when it looms large and robs my birthrights to peace, happiness, fulfillment and love.

My experience is prayer and meditation help resolve this conflict.  I ask my Higher Power for knowledge of my Higher Power's Will and the courage, strength and wisdom to carry it out.  Just for today.  Then I shut-up.  Sit quiet.  Who's large and in charge?  My Higher Power that I choose to call GOD.  When I do this, it seems GOD is available to change me, by GOD's grace, into the person I was meant to be all along.  Just for today.  When I stop relying on me for the solutions to my problems and instead rely on that Power Greater than me to help, then things seem to turn-out even better than what I expected.

HUMILITY

“Humility is perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble, it is never to feel fretted or vexed, or wonder at nothing that is done to us, even to feel nothing done against us. It is to be at rest when nobody praises us or when we are blamed or despised. 

It is to have a blessed home in ourselves where we can go in and shut the door and kneel to our Father in secret and be at peace. As in a deep sea of calmness when all around and about is seeming trouble.” 

Master Storytellers and the BS Sifter

My elder AA friend Linda, who has over 30 years in the 12 Steps program, says she is technologically challenged.  She only uses TV, radio, a cassette player and within the last few years she bought a cellphone so she can be notified whenever her aged mother gets sick.  Anyway, she called yesterday to say hi and we talked a bit.  I'd just finished writing "The Great Divide" blog so I read it to her.  That was fun.  Usually I read a finished blog to Elvis and sometimes he gets excited.  Not because of the blog.  It's because that means it's time for breakfast and a walk. He has his priorities!  LOL  I enjoyed sharing the blog with Linda and she asked if only a few private people could read it online and I told her the world wide web has access to the blog.  The times we live in are so incredible!  Truly remarkable.  We laughed and chatted for a bit then wished each other a good day.  Lovely to hear her unique voice and to know she's around.  If I feel sad, angry, troubled I know what to do to connect with her or another human being.  Pick up the phone or go to a meeting. This is so convenient.  Got an emergency...call 911.  Need to talk to someone...phone them.  Easy.

Just imagine how inconvenient our primitive ancestors must have had it when they gathered around campfires as they huddled for safety, warmth and connection.  Their herd instinct satisfied as they told each other stories by grunting and gesturing. The silhouette shadows dancing and pantomiming their hunting stories of prowess and power to kill or be killed by the huge saber-toothed tiger, hairy mammoth,Tyrannosaurus Rex or whatever else they had to contend with.  

Now we huddle in a spot with a computer screen in front of us and click buttons.  We play games within games and spend time, hours and hours of time, as if it is of no value.  Our basic human contact translated from computer to computer.  There is also a magic to this, I suppose.  It is powerful to think something then type, and poof!  There it is in writing and click...lots and lots of people can read it, close to real time, around the world.  The skills for survival have changed but our need for stories is the same.  

I've heard the technology of a human being is we are natural born storytellers.  Another word for storyteller is a liar.  Basically, I'm a natural born liar and I struggle with telling the truth.  Apparently I'm not unique and rather common, at that.  I make-up stories in my head, then I act as if they're true and this gets me into trouble a lot of the time because other people have their own stories going on and sometimes our worlds collide.  Jeesh.  Before I forget, also add mind and mood-altering stuff to the mix.  Wow.  Now what we got here?  Multiply this by how many untreated alcoholics, food addicts, sex addicts, drug addicts, gambler addicts, etc. and survivors of such there are in the world.   Master Storytellers or better known as Master Bullshitters that believe their own BS stories.  LOL  What to do with such mayhem?  Individuality is really something to aspire for but how do we achieve this in the real world where our "worlds" can co-exist or collide?

The 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions are powerful BS sifters.  It's hard to BS a Master BSer.  It takes one to know one.  A cocaine addict can BS an alcoholic pretty easily but not another cocaine addict.  The levels of deception are different.  It is kind of like a key.  Most keys look alike but each has slots specific for its own lock.  An alcoholic can dance and punk slap the crap out of an untreated Alanon but is unable to do the same to a black-belt Alanon fortified by the 12 Steps.  The difference is the program.   A simple set of spiritual tools freely given that help sift the truth from the BS.  I'm one of those who needs this program because it works when life happens and that's when I need it most.  So my experience is it works when I work it.  Thank GOD!  LOL