I went to work yesterday but came back home after only 1 1/2 hours. Maybe by Monday I'll feel better. I put this in my Higher Power's hands. I do want to say I love my job, boss, co-workers and miss being in action. All this isolation is starting to get to me. I'm talking to myself...answering questions like, "well, what do I do next?" or talking to Elvis out loud to hear my own voice. Listening to TV is okay but it is mainly a background noise, passive, no real life engagement.
However, during this past week I talked with many different agents from AT&T, Asurion, Time Warner Cable, and Wellsfargo. There were multiple opportunities during these conversations to scream, curse, cuss and verbally abuse the representatives. Passionate emotions of frustration, fear, anger and hostility were exasperated as I struggled to communicate with them. I thought I'd been overcharged for services rendered, one more hoop for me to jump through to get what I want, what an inconvenience, "poor me" being taken advantaged of, been in a car wreck, now no car, in pain, can't go to work, etc. Like Vinny in the movie "My Cousin Vinny" says when he's had enough and he crosses his arms across his chest, "Let's see...what else can I pile on?" or something like that. Jeesh. I can go there in a flash. The program helped because although my feelings were pretty rocky I managed to not throw rocks. It was a close call though.
The brief excursion to and fro the job enabled me to see Jessika, my daughter, and her husband, Justin, who drove me to work. Also my son, William, and his friend, Randy, picked me up then brought me back home. Yeah!!!!
Today my son, Beau, and his wife, Bonny, plan to visit so I'm excited! He's planning to upgrade my old desktop and maybe I'll be able to upload video on this blog. Another Yeah!!!!
Also this evening, the Sunday 3pm Women's AA group sponsors Birthday Night at the 617 Foundation. Guess who is responsible to get the cakes from Randall's to the club? Yep. Me. This gives me a chance to practice a rusty, mostly unused skill...asking for help. One of my favorite delusions is to think I'm a solo flight navigator with an "I can do it by myself" attitude and superhuman strength, knowledge and gumption. But it's not true. As I age and mature the reality of my limitations asserts itself more and more.
Most of my life I've denied just how much I really do need other people. I've been afraid to depend on them because they'll just let me down or put me down. Now I see I mainly projected learned beliefs about myself onto others. Whatever I thought and believed about them had NOTHING TO DO with them. It just looked better on them than on me.
Nothing changed until I changed when I started owning my stuff then cleaning up my mess. That's what working the 12 Steps do...clean it up. My side of the street. Not yours or others. With my Higher Power's help nothing is too hard, too impossible or too late. Thank GOD. I'm grateful to have an opportunity today to be of service to my Higher Power and others. Just for today.
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