Love and the Gift of Desperation

I love my family of origin, my brothers and sisters, cousins, etc.   For self-preservation's sake, I've learned to love them from a distance.  The whirling vortex of the family pathology is seriously dangerous and I've experienced tremendous pain from getting too close.  I used to feel helplessly drawn to this vortex like a moth to light, powerless to stop myself from being drawn into the overwhelming family illness that every one vehemently denied even existed as it consumed us all.  A family sickness where love is confused with the dervish, seductive dance of the addictions. A "love" illness.

Addictions is just another word for mental illnesses cloaked by a snazzier name than for what it really is.  The diagnostic manual used by psychiatrists clinically describes the symptoms and can qualify or disqualify a person for an official diagnosis.   However, the word "addiction" sounds more socially acceptable, almost respectable, especially in the times we live in where the common folk rub shoulders with elite superstars such as world leaders, athletes and movie stars.  Addiction...where the love/compulsive need for _______(fill in the blank) is much more important than a relationship with the Higher Power, one's self and others.

Tina Turner sang a song, "What's love got to do, got do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion..."  I asked the father of my children who battered me on and off for 16 years, "If love is a second hand emotion, what is the first one?"  Without a blink, he answered, "Survival."  How true.

The Hollywood version of love is disarmingly charming with everlasting love, sparkling whispers of "you complete me" and it all works out happily ever after every time like the fairy tales promise.  Jeesh.

When I was a little girl love appeared haphazardly like "I love you-I love you not-I love you..."  I remember how fascinated I felt playing this game of pulling petals off a pretty flower.  I contrived to make sure it ended with "I love you".  I was willing to manipulate and lie to myself even then in such a simple thing.

The first time I ever remember thinking of love in a healthier, sounder manner was when I read "The Road Less Traveled" by M. Scott Peck, MD.  Dr. Peck opened my mind in a way that has continued throughout the years.  He also wrote "The People of the Lie" which is riveting, enlightening and very helpful in describing the light and the dark sides of "love".  Ralph Waldo Emerson:  "The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions."

Finally, Alanon has gifted me with a wholesome, healthier perspective.  I've come a long way and have a long way to go but I know without a doubt in my mind...more will be revealed as I trudge the Road to Happy Destiny.  Alanon has given me a different perspective on love, loving and being loved or not.  So I keep coming back, a day at a time...sometimes a minute at  time...to the program that works if I work it.  I've noticed if I hurt bad enough I will drag my butt to a meeting, read the literature, pick up the phone, pray, meditate, journal, anything to stop the pain.  Pain can be a great motivator to stop the crap.   My willingness level to work the Steps goes up.  That's when the Gift Of Desperation makes all the difference in the world...thank G.O.D.!