Ask or Don't Ask?

Stitch came over on Thursday night and will probably go back home today.  Before I went to work yesterday, I gave him and Elvis separate showers outside on the back porch.  I tied a leash on a post to hold and connect one dog at a time.  I had already watered the garden I've pretty much neglected since the accident while the dogs ran up and down their enclosure as they were "hunting".  Although there really are occasionally wild rabbits around here, I have yet to see those dogs catch one.  Anyway, I used the water hose with the handle spigot sprayer at the end and enjoyed  watching their pleasure in being taken cared of.  Elvis, in particular, because I haven't bathed him in quite a while.  That's because after he's clean he usually likes to go roll in the dirt and turns very dusty, like Linus in the Peanuts cartoon.  Every time he moves there is a dust cloud.  Well, I'm exaggerating but you get my idea.  This can aggravate my control issues because I want my dog to be clean and cute.  He wants to be dusty and happy.  He wins.  Hopefully I can cut his hair today before he takes that darn dustbath.

My sister, Deb, has a best friend, Jean, that I believe GOD brought into her life.  At first I didn't trust Jean because I didn't know her and I feared she was trying to take advantage of my sister who, as a result of addictions, now lives with mental illness and a closed-head injury.  Now I see that Jean is a 5 star friend and a real blessing for Deb.  Jean explained to me that her older sister, who recently died, had also lived with mental illness and an obsession with a boyfriend that excluded her from the family similar to the way Deb's obsession with Manuel has pushed her sons and others away.  Jean says she's watched how Manuel preys on women's affections and insecurities then seems to enjoy pitting them against each other.  That's how Deb ended-up in jail.  Jean says Manuel called Deb on the cellphone and told her he was upstairs in her neighbor's apartment having wild, uninhibited great sex with M***, Deb's neighbor.  Deb believed him, every word he said, not a doubt, no questions asked.  She ran up the stairs, banged on M***'s door and insisted on seeing Manuel.   M***, who also lives with mental illness, opened the door and said Manuel wasn't there but Deb didn't believe her.  M*** tried to shut the door but Deb pushed herself inside then slapped M***.  Police arrived on the scene and Deb was charged with burglary of a habitation because she pushed into the apartment, I guess.  She stayed about 4 months in jail and was released the other day.  I talked to a co-worker about this yesterday and she shared a story with me about a woman who was in the state mental hospital.  This woman would sit quietly, peacefully self-contained, seemed normal in every way except when she got a fixed stare in her eyes as she looked at you then said, "You look like the woman who was messing with my man." then she'd attack.  No questions asked.

In sobriety, I've learned to ask questions.  When I was young "Don't ask" was drilled into me.  Don't ask why.  Don't ask cause you might not really want to know.  Don't ask, you're in my way.  Don't ask, just do it.  Don't ask, it takes too much time.  Don't ask, don't tell.  Don't ask, you don't need to know why, just do it.  Don't ask...because I said so.  Asking questions was asking for it.  To ask a question was to hear rejection, sarcasm, insults, etc.  Not all the time...just enough to shut me up.  About a year or two ago, a co-worker who is a trained therapist shared with me how important it is to ask questions in the moment whenever someone is telling me things, especially if it's "call to action" stuff, and especially if it raises my emotions.  She encouraged me to ask, "Who said that?" "When did that happen?" "What needs to change?" "Where did it go?", etc. Instead of just taking whatever people say at face value, as if GOD has spoken.  Jeesh.  At first it was really hard to do but it is getting easier and easier.  Now I'm wanting to remember to ask in the moment.  I'm full of questions later on but I need to ask right then.  It really puts people on the spot and the accountability raises up quite a bit.  This also stops a lot of B.S.  We get "real" real fast.  The "Don't make assumptions" and "Don't take things personally" Agreements certainly apply here.  It's okay to ask, otherwise I might never know what it is I needed to know and this might make all the difference in the world.

There is a time when it's better for me to not ask.  When I need to be minding my own business and staying out of others' personal business.  The MYOB...Mind Your Own Business.  I've paid a huge price on learning this life skill.  I depend on my Higher Power by working the 12 Steps to help guide me thru the maze of Ask or Don't ask?  It's all about progress instead of perfection.

The 12 Steps program empowers me to have the courage, strength, and wisdom to try out new behaviors and to be honest, open-minded, and willing to accept the new world I'm living in as the miracle of transformation happens...one day at a time.