Building Spiritual Muscles

Yesterday I heard a co-worker  kind of complain to me in a questioning, uncertain tone of voice, "What's happening?  Why are you so nice all of a sudden?"  Jeesh.  I've been "nice" all along except I kept putting the hot iron of accountability on those who messed-up and I quit taking up the slack when they dropped the ball.    What's different today is, since the accident, I'm quieter in the accountability area and am hunkering down to take up the slack again which is something I'd stopped doing as part of my recovery.  I had stopped co-signing the B.S.  Apparently I am in a re-evaluation stage of development.  I'm one of those who are like a pendulum...I swing wayyyyy too far to the right, then wayyyyyy too far to the left, back and forth, then eventually, GOD-willing and the creek don't rise, I usually make it to a happy, moderate medium not too high, not too low, not too lefty-loosey and not too righty-tighty as I spiritually grow and develop one day at a time in the 12 Steps program.  

Growing in this way is definitely a process.  My experience has been 2 steps forward, 1 step back, 5 steps forward, 8 steps back, 10 forward, etc.  The minute I think I'm done, I've arrived...I'm in trouble!  I must not rest on my laurels.  It's also like bodybuilding muscles.  My brother, Tomas, at one time explained muscles appear to be long, sinuous strands but in reality they are made of tiny, small fibers that require breaking then healing as they build up to grow in strength and mass.  

My fearful needs for perfection, control, manipulation, etc. are all strands of dishonest, narrow-minded, unwilling rigidness to change that I learned as a child to survive in a topsy-turvy, unstable, potentially violent, hurtful world.  That's the cleaned-up version.  LOL  The difference today is the courage to change  and be changed, one day at a time, by exercising the spiritual muscles of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness as I grow in this new way of life in spiritual recovery.  The 12 Steps are the barbells.  If I pick them up and use them my spiritual muscles grow...it works when I work it on a daily basis, not just when I'm in crisis and needing my Higher Power.  That's like sitting around, not moving or exercising, then all of a sudden I need my muscles to perform the Herculean task of picking up my butt off the sofa in a split second!  LOL  Well, anyway, just for today I can work these Steps to the best of my ability (the 4th Agreement:  Always Do Your Best!)...yeah!  I'm grateful this program is about progress instead of perfection!