My 54 year old sister, Deb, was released from jail yesterday. She stayed there for about 4 months. She is one of the persons who influenced me to go to Alanon. At that time I had 13 years of AA under my belt but I felt terrible and didn't know why. I moaned and groaned, felt like crap, as I worked the Steps but there was no relief, just bewilderment and confusion. Why? Weren't the 12 Steps enough and AA? Apparently not for me. The happy, joyous and free were fleeting moments which flickered but didn't stay on. Why, why, why?
My sobriety is more than abstinence from drinking. The core experience of sobriety for me is sober thinking instead of whacko, sober feelings instead of wildly swinging moods and sober behaviors instead of erratic survival fight-or-flight behaviors. I had sobriety but I couldn't hang onto it. It felt mercurial, fickle, flighty instead of solid and strong which I longed for. I felt pretty mangled by the time I crawled into Alanon on Sunday, February 19, 2006.
The difference Alanon has made for me is amazing. I can still feel crazy at times and go loop-da-loop but the biggest difference is the love and acceptance this program offers me. It loves me back to where I need to be, in the hands of my Higher Power. I do believe Alanon is higher education in spirituality. One of my goals in life is to grow up to be a black-belt Alanon and to open a can of whip ass whenever the isms show-up! LOL
Just for today...may I open that can whenever needed...PRN...instead of taking a pill, a drink, a blow, a donut, or whatever...I'll take a Step.
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