Humility vs Humiliation

Humiliation...to lower or hurt the dignity or pride of

As a child I had many humiliating experiences.  A few were major life-changing but most were just common, everyday small, almost not even worth noticing much less mentioning since there were so many.  To admit, out loud, "Hey!  That hurt!  Stop!" was so-not-okay.  Being pushed around, waiting to be fed, frowned at for asking, wanting or needing something, talked about as if I wasn't standing right there and heard everything being said about me, being compared to others and found wanting or less than, being slapped, pushed or hit as if it didn't hurt me, being threatened with violence if I didn't comply, the embarrassment of being yelled at or belittled in public not even in the privacy of home, disregarded as if I was too insignificant to be treasured, loved or cared for, withstanding a cold, arrogant, tyrannic, sneering voice of disdain or downright cruelty mocking my fear and sensitivity as weaknesses, etc.  It seemed every little good thing I received had a catch, a condition, a price I had to pay.  Humiliation was something I grew up with.  This is what I knew.  I hated that feeling and cringed to think I, too, not only humiliated others, I humiliated me, too.  I kept doing to me what used to be done by others.  How to stop the cycle?

Humility...the quality or condition of being humble;  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

When I arrived to the rooms of the 12 Step program I was beat-down.  I was ready and willing to do anything to stop the pain.  My self-confidence, self-will, self-knowledge and self-reliance brought me down to my knees.  I crawled in and asked for help.  I became ready to take the cotton out of my ears and put it in my mouth.  I shut-up and learned to listen to another possibility.  That if I kept coming back to meetings, read the literature, practiced the 12 Steps on a daily basis, meditated, got a sponsor, used the Serenity Prayer, wrote a gratitude list, depended on my Higher Power, helped another suffering person...if I just did the work...

Just for today, I am humbled and have learned my rightful place, rank, importance in the matrix of the Universe.  There is a Director,a Power Greater than me that has everything covered.  I have power but it is limited in scope except when I'm plugged into the Higher Power then it's amazing!  Kind of like, if a cart is hitched in front of the horse---it might work but pretty limited with a lot of bungling.  Whereas, if the cart is hitched behind the horse's strength, power and grace then the cart flows effortlessly behind.  So it is with me...pause, make sure I remember who's large and in charge, relax and go with the flow, do the next right thing.  If I don't know what is the next right thing, I ask my Higher Power...more will be revealed. One day at a time.  Sincerely, Carol xoxox 

P.S  There is a lovely poem "Just for today" somewhere on the Internet...C.