Following Directions

I am NOT one of those who walked into the rooms of the 12 Steps and instantly, immediately caught onto this program, did it just right, intuitively had all the answers, etc.  I am one of those, and there are many of us, who has been a hard nut to crack.  It is but for the grace of GOD that no matter what, no matter how hard it got, whether white knuckle or not, I have refused to take a drink over it.  I know, without any doubt whatsoever, I am one of those who has an allergy to alcohol in any form.  It does trigger the phenomena of physical craving in me where one is too many and a hundred aren't enough cause I want more, not just a taste. I don't know exactly why I am this way but I know I can't take credit or blame for this because that is like taking credit for the color of my eyes.  I seem to have been born this way.  I can tell you this...my family system seems to have a lot of addictions and mental illnesses.  In 2006 I learned the 3 C's in Alanon:  I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it...a couple of weeks ago I learned the 4th C...I can however, contribute to it.  I can make it worse.  This illness is progressive.  It just gets worse and worse if left untreated.

My problem is not so much the allergy to alcohol because as long as I don't drink, my allergy isn't triggered.  The real problem centers in my mind.  The way I think I am.  I think I only mean well, no intention of hurting anybody, I just want what's best, just do what I say, wish, want then everything will be fine.  That's crazy, because I am not GOD, I am not all-powerful or all-knowing, etc.  I deny and deny that I'm acting this way by controlling, manipulating, lying by omission,  getting people on "my side", etc.  The truth is if I could stop being this way, I would but I can't so I won't.  I am the problem.  That's why "WE" is the solution.  Group Of Drunks.  I can tell me all the lies I want but in a group, somebody will tell it like it really is, the truth and that's why I keep coming back to the meetings. My mirror can get pretty foggy, distorted by myself but when the group holds the big mirror I get clear pretty quick!  LOL  Meetings are so vitally important.  One of the common denominators of people who relapse is they quit going to meetings.  I truly believe the Higher Power is right there in those meetings, I just gotta keep an open mind and willingness to hear what is being said.

The first 164 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is the exact recipe, the directions to working the 12 Steps.  On page xiii, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book." Bill W. used italics to signify the special importance of these words. At
 xa-speakers.org are the speaker tapes of Joe and Charlie as they study the big book, the basic text of the 12 Steps.  Very helpful.  I like to hear Chris and Myers, too.  It takes what it takes.

If nothing else works, I can do as suggested by so many who have succeeded in this program...follow the directions.  Love, Carol  xoxox