An Obsession to an Attachment

Well, I've suggested to a few people to go to dogontheroof.com and listen to Sue Drum work through the Steps.  She's  interesting because she uses the big book of "Alcoholics Anonymous" and the Al-anon 12 and 12  to work through them.  It's been a while since I've listened to her but I've decided to listen again since I keep pointing people her way.  The day I think I've already heard it all I will be in serious trouble!  I must stay teachable.

I'm having trouble with staying asleep all night.  When I awaken, I can't go back to sleep.  I find myself grieving and thinking about the wreck.  A better word is...obsessing about it.  Jeesh.

What I realize is there is a common thread throughout my life's major painful memories.  They are like prickly, spiked pearls of daggers strung together on a particular attachment.  I thought it was the indignity, the life-threatening fear of being hurt in the first place but no, that isn't it.  I have an attachment to "all I ever wanted was to be cared for" and the shock value amplified after being hurt because the perpetrators had absolutely no commitment to do anything like this at all.  And that is what I have a really hard time letting go of.  The whole string of those memories labeled "Please Care About Me ATTACHMENT".  Grasped, guarded, clung close to my chest but they hurt me more and more, long after the event.  C-r-a-z-y.  All I gotta do is let go, right?  But how?  I've done this for so long.  It's all I know to do to live life...or is it?

Step 1...I admit I am powerless over the obsession on the attachment of "all I ever wanted was to be cared for" and that my life is unmanageable because I relive over and over the internal anguish, grief, shame, rejection, neglect, abandonment, guilt, punishment I perpetrate on myself by obsessing on what the perpetrators did to me so I continue the painful cycle for them l-o-n-g after they've even forgotten about it, moved on in their lives or died!  This reminds me of the movie "Ground Hog Day".  LOL
Step 2...Came to believe a Power Greater than myself  can restore me to sanity.  I come to, realize, awaken, become conscious that I'm whacko, off-track, off the beam, crazy. Stuck in my head.  Mental.  Don't even notice it.  Feels natural, right, normal but I'm so not.  I think I got it all covered but I don't.  There is, however, a Higher Power all-knowing, all-powerful, all this and that, who really does has it ALL covered.  It ain't me.  May I find it now...and plug-in.
Step 3...Dear GOD, please help me.  Take away my difficulties with this attachment that I may be of greater service to You and others.  That others may see that Your power and grace, Your way of life works, it really does.  Love, Carol
Step 4...

And so it goes...