It takes what it takes

Well, I went to see Bernard yesterday and talked to him about my current situation.  It feels so good to have a professional therapist that is excellent at his job!  I can rant, rage, cry and blubber as I discharge the energy stuck inside.  I feel safe to do this with him because he can handle my human emotions spewing all over the place while I sit there at the end of the sofa.  When I walked in I felt as if I was Linda Blair on "The Exorcist", as if possessed by the emotional memories from July 31st.  By the time I left, I felt cleaner, clearer, a lot better.  I went to work and disclosed I'd been to see Bernard. Talk about feedback!   My co-workers said they were glad because I'd been very irritated, tense, and easily agitated.  That it was obvious I was having a hard time letting go of what happened to me.  Jeesh.  And here I was thinking I was holding it together pretty good!  White-knuckle indeed!

Also, it's interesting how people react to the idea of therapy.  One of my co-workers has never been to a therapist and probably never will.  Whereas another co-worker is a therapist and fully embraces the process of self-disclosure, open-expansive healing.  Some people are completely put-off with the idea of mental health and taking care of it.  But really, mental hygiene is just as important as dental, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual, etc.  I have heard about red and yellow, brown, black and white, smart and dumb, rich, poor, educated, uneducated, scientists, cashiers, psychiatrists, pediatricians, police officers, judges, lawyers, astronauts, movie stars, athletes, doctors, nurses, teachers, students, parents and children, etc. who don't and won't address their inner needs so then they end-up acting-out and on the headlines, exposed in all their human goriness instead of their glorious-ness.

We are fully capable of reaching incredible heights of spiritual freedom and also capable of plummeting to the very gates of hell.  Jeesh.  And we need each other.  I believe we are hardwired to care for and to help each other on the path of Life. Then there are those off the path, misled.  Those who lurk in the shadows, eclipsed by the darkness but they, too, have their place.  Like the black notes beside the white ivory keys building tension and drama on the piano, black paint by white contrasting and dividing space in a picture, and the black velvet background showcasing the brilliant, glittering, diamond-studded stars on the darkest of nights.  If nothing else, they show us how not to be.  "There, but for the grace of GOD, go I" is the saying.  "Never spit up" is another.

I have lived in the shadows.  I know what it's like to be on the outside-looking-in.  Living in the grip of addiction is exactly this.  Lurking in the shadows, brief skitters into the light, wanting, hoping but never getting it.  Scattered, chaotic, destructive trails of where it took me.  Like the aftermath of a skipping, back and forth tornado.  But I couldn't see it.  I could see it in others but never in me.  Denial has its place.  It looks a heck of a lot better on others than on me.  I had a hard time owning it.  I am still slow in this area but I'm still growing.  Yeah!

For today, I want to live in the full Sunlight of the Spirit.  I know what to do and that is work those darn-tooting Steps!   Jeesh.  So I pick them up and just do it...one day at  time.  And if therapy is a part of my recovery, so be it because half-measures avail me nothing.  It takes what it takes.  Sincerely, Carol