A Chance to Work the Steps

Yesterday I failed to write on my blog because the previous night I stayed up until about 4:30 in the morning as I wrote a narrative about the car wreck on July 31. I went to sleep for a couple of hours then I rushed to get dressed and prepared to meet with attorneys.  All this time since the accident, many friends and associates kept encouraging, "hire a lawyer, get legal help" but I kept hoping the insurance company would resolve the matter.

Anyway, I drove Hunter w-a-y over to the other side of town and got lost!  My anxiety was super high as I struggled to find the lawyers' office.  I even broke my own rule and used the cellphone while on the road.  Jeesh.   Wow.  The one good thing is this was a great opportunity to work the Steps.  Driving here and there, feeling anxious, panicked, worried about Hunter, hurting with back pain, not sure about anything, fear welling-up inside, thoughts of "Why bother? Just give up.  it's not worth all this angst.  Go home, go back to bed and pull up the cover over your head.  Stop trying. etc." A whirl in negativity.

Pause.

I looked at the sky, the ghost moon orb so silent, at the unfolding landscape of trees along the roadway and I thought about my Higher Power.  I breathed in deep.  Step 1...I admit I'm powerless over the past, that the accident happened, I was hurt, Hunter was hurt, the insurance company doesn't want to help, etc.  Step 2...Came to believe that a Power greater than me could restore me to sanity.  There is a Power Greater than me that is holding the moon up there and it ain't me.  It's real and it loves me.  It has everything covered.    Step 3...Made a decision to turn my life and my will over to the care of GOD as I understand GOD. Relax.  Breathe in the love, exhale the negativity.  I let go.  Breathe.  Relax. Let GOD.  Trust this will all work out just fine, just the way it will.  Step 4...Made a searching and fearless inventory of myself.  The truth is I resented writing the narrative because it stirred up the feelings I experienced at the accident.  It brought it all back to me.  I cried.  I felt surges of anger, etc. My part in this was I put-off doing the narrative until the night before.  I procrastinated.  The ideal was when I first made the commitment to write the narrative, that I made the time to pray first and hand it all over to my Higher Power, then at that time get pen and paper to write it.  Get it over with.  Step 5...Admitted to GOD, myself and another human being the exact nature of my character defects.  Avoidance and procrastination .  Step 6...  

I found the office and presented myself.  No matter what, that I even made it through those doors was a major accomplishment.  I felt disheveled, wonky, like I'd been in some kind of battle.  But rag-taggled or not, I felt victorious because I made it there.  Yeah! And so it begins...