Well, yesterday was a lovely, quiet day. I didn't make it to the 3pm Women's AA meeting but I did make it to Alanon. Afterwards I met my son, Beau, and his wife, Bonny, at Matt's El Rancho Mexican restaurant which was packed with people. At first we were seated inside but the loud, cacophony of everybody talking was just way too much so we moved to the outside patio which was very nice and not so noisy. Oh, my gosh, the huge platter of food was more than enough so I asked for a to-go container and brought some home for Sho. He didn't finish it either! Anyway, we talked about so many things and what I'd love to do is have a get-together at the house soon. I'll ask Sho to see if he'll barbecue some meat. We'll see.
Growing up as I did affected me in so many ways. One is that I react to sudden changes, loud noises, people's expressions, seemingly unobtrusive mannerisms, etc. Automatically I "read" into situations. My safety flags flash spontaneously in reaction to perceived potential problems. Paranoia is a good word to describe this or just an overly-developed sensitive survival suspicion which probably saved my butt many a time. That hyper-vigilance is actually a symptom of PTSD which is what I've been living with for many, many years. I didn't know it was a diagnosis. I just thought that was natural, normal. Jeesh. It was "normal" for me. The fear of "is everything ok"? "What's wrong with me"? "What's wrong with this picture"? Automatic, rapid, instantaneous flurry of thoughts and the rush of adrenaline as anxiety builds. One of my sneaky addictions, I believe, is that rush of chemical reaction whenever I'm catastrophic-sizing, future-rizing or imagine-izing in my head. A dangerous place to be. Apparently when I'm in large crowds, like at that restaurant last night, it triggers this reaction in me.
Everybody, and I mean everybody, seemed authentically engaged in their dining experiences. People being ushered to newly vacated tables where the busboys had just finished busily scooping off dishes, utensils and napkins. Waiters balancing their steaming, sizzling platters of food way up in the air as they hurried to deliver its bounty to hungry patrons. The exotic aromas of spices wafting, lingering in the air. Yummy. The chitter-chatter of animated conversations and laughter, a baby occasionally crying, etc. All's good.
Then I noticed two Hispanic men with a young female sitting at the next table to us. At first, it's no big deal. It just appeared like a guy with his girlfriend plus his buddy there with him. During the course of the evening I noticed certain behaviors that alarmed me. A lack of tenderness, of respect. A hard, hawklike, predatory expression in the "boyfriend's" eyes as he leaned towards her. A mean, cruel, however fleeting, look directed by the buddy at the girl who seemed completely oblivious to it all except her legs unconsciously giggled, rapidly and nervously under the table.
I sensed all was not right but there was nothing to be done about it except to dis-engage. So I consciously made an effort to re-focus my attention on dinner, family and my own dining experience but once in a while, surreptitiously monitored the situation. Just in case.
Why do I do this? How do I "know" there is a problem? What is it about me that I scan in this way? Is it all in my imagination or do I really have a "situation" radar before it even happens? Is it real or is it Memorex?
I can say I trust my instincts. There is usually a reason for how I feel although I may not know exactly what it is at first, but my experience is that more will be revealed with time. I'm not unique. I believe most of us have this ability, we just ignore or suppress it.
Before the 12 Steps I either mainly ignored, repressed and denied or acted on everything I thought or felt. No brakes at all or braking all the way. No gray. Just black or white. Right or wrong. The 12 Steps opened the doors of acceptance to where I can a lot more comfortably embrace polarized points of view while expanding the area between. Instead of just heads and tails, there are multiple facets like a diamond or a crystal.
Acceptance seems to hinge on my willingness to trust that my Higher Power has it all covered, no matter what's going on. Including those 2 young men and woman at the restaurant. No matter who, what, where or how...the GOD of my understanding rules... Step 1...
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